I'm 40 years old.
I've never dated, but haven't even looked in about 5 years. Before I took on taking care of my Mom I'd get jobs through the temp agencies, hoping for something I'd like that would become full time. I've even given up going out once a week.
The social workers at the last place Mom stayed when she had pneumonia told me to spend some time to myself, which on their recommendation I did, and Mom told me I should have instead stayed and worked on our, admittedly messy, home.
My family when I try to vent frustration to them only respond with "You chose this life by only having temp jobs" or "You'll regret saying that when she's gone". The only one that seems to be on my side is my niece who keeps insisting on our getting a respite worker to work at least once a week, which Mom says she doesn't want and doesn't see a need for.
Given my age, should I be trying to get my life started or continue spending most of my time with Mom and waiting for the unfortunate end to come, one I pray every six months to be pushed back another six months, and then get things rolling? I'd like to have a family of my own someday.
So as PStiegman says, you HAVE to build a life apart from your mom. You need friends and activities that will ground you and keep you engaged and involved in life when your mom is no longer here. If you don't need work for the money, then get out and do some volunteer work that is far removed from caregiving. Find a volunteer activity that is something you like. Or start going to church or get involved in some kind of group. You deserve a full life apart from your mom. Your family (other than your niece) just doesn't get it. But we do, so come back here for support.
If your mother is in her final stage of life, that puts a little different spin on things. Then she should be on hospice, you should be getting support and encouragement from the hospice team, and your unwillingness to leave the house makes more sense. Hospice offered me some respite care, but I declined, saying I could deal with the last few months with my own support system.
But you do not indicate that your mother is near death. Any of us could die at any time, of course. Knowing that should help us be kind to each other and resolve relationship problems quickly. But it does not call for us to cling to each other. It does not call for us to give up our own living anticipating someone else's death.
It is possible, but not very likely (unless she is already in final stage), that Mother could die while you are away. It is possible that she could die while you are asleep, or in the shower. It is possible (but not very likely) that you could die while you are away. These things are out of our hands. Trying to structure our lives around the possibility of unexpected death is just not healthy. (My attitude is a little different once someone is in the active process of dying.)
Please do not base all of your decisions on what Mother says she wants or thinks is necessary. She is not well. She may not be capable of seeing the big picture. People who are ill often become self-centered in ways they cannot help. You must do what is right for you, as well as do your best for your mother.
Talk to your own spiritual leader. Is it right to not fully embrace this life you have been given? How can you balance your love of your mother and the commandment to love yourself?
I hope that you can start living your own life now.
yea theres angst watching your life slip past but i contend that caring for her was more rewarding than than dating insincere women.
Hey captain there are some nice women out there BUT i can imagine that being a carer means that we are suckers and some people male and female pray on this you just have to wise up to the genuine of the species!!! I know I would find it attractive to know a man who cared so much for his mum! I dont need my automobile fixed I need AN AUTOMOBILE gotta find a sucker to get me one!!!!
If you can't see yourself pulling away from mom, you may want to see a therapist.
Unless you are wealthy, you will need a job. What about your own retirement? You cannot wait until 60 to start planning for that.
Bluntly, a 40 year old without a career, much less a job, will have a very difficult time dating. Not because women are gold-diggers, but most women want to be with someone that can offer security and has at least an equivalent job. More importantly, you need to be your own man before you think of sharing a life with someone else.
Live your life. Mom did.
When your mom says that *she* doesn't need respite, tell her that YOU do. YOU need to know she's safe (to my way of thinking, worrying that she might die is just too demoralizing) **and** YOU need a bit of a break, so that you can continue to take care of her.
It scares me, as I've mentioned before, plus this being at least 3 to 4 months, and that's much longer than I've been away from her in 5 years.
Just take a short break, find a hobby, let mom recuperate in the rehab center... and face tomorrow with a brighter outlook!
Good luck!
You need a full time job with benefits and a 401k and quickly. You can't count on mom to leave you anything whether you care for her or not.
You can meet someone and form your own family for the lifetime ahead of you and you deserve that. They will be there for you when mom no longer is.
Sounds like you are looking for permission. You got it. Read thru all these threads and you will find many who have given up everything to care for a loved one and then then once they die; they find they have spent their best years with their life on hold. They find it hard to re-socialize, old friends lost, skill sets outdated, and earning years cut extremely short, no retirement or savings and then they can't find income enough to stay in their residence or worse, families kick them out when they want to liquidate estate to decide up the spoils.
I know it sounds cynical, but it would be selfish of mom to want you to give up your life for her remaining years.
You can still be a loving, caring and compassionate daughter and have a life.
bigger plan. Don't put yourself in a position to "wish I woulda" the rest of your life. Life with family is the most important thing...but, you have to also look at your own life so you don't get burned out and/or resent the situation the REST of your life. I wish you the best with what YOU feel is right.
I bought a tiny dilapidated cottage on 2 acres in the country for me and the pets which I've been fixing up ever since. Today I'm putting the second coat of paint on the living room and dining room. On top of Parkinsons and dementia, my mother broke a hip in the spring and had a stroke a couple of months ago. She's unable to sit up or stand by herself and the dementia she's had for many years is pretty much full blown now.
Frankly, she treated me, my poor father (RIP) and anyone who crossed her path like dirt and I'm grateful to be rid of her but now I must try to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life. I'll spend the rest of the winter finishing up renovations. Come spring I'll be planting a garden, keeping some chickens, leading a simple lifestyle and looking into doing some volunteer work - there's a hospital nearby. The years of so much stress have taken their toll. My hair is falling out, I have a boil on my bum and my stomach starts to thump when I have to go visit. At 64, it's my turn to have a life for whatever time I may have left.
It's a long road but you must rebuild your life. Good luck!
Dad would like me to spend every day with him. I respectfully decline and tell him that I need to work. He understands that and thanks me for the time we do spend together. It seems that when our time is somewhat limited, he appreciates the time we do spend together. This is not to say you should not spend as much time with your Mom as feels right for you. It is saying not to spend more time than you can spend in a healthy way.
As far as dating, it's just part of the balance. I met a wonderful man in my 40's. He is a great partner in caring for Dad. We have a healthy relationship that is built on mutual respect. No one is looking for the other to fix our lives. I can honestly say that I am a better daughter as a result of our partnership. This has nothing to do with him fixing my car or supporting me. It has to do with trusting, respecting and being there for each other. There are a lot of women out there looking for a good partner. However, healthy women will likely want to see that you are healthy and balanced.
I will admit it's scary on many levels. I feel like I'm turning my back on Mom trying to work on myself. I'm afraid of becoming the wreck of a person that I was before the facility.
I'm not sure how to overcome the fear, but at the same time, it is somewhat freeing as well.
Thanks all who's replied to this, I felt I owed the update.