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It never bothered me at the beginning, but now after almost 10 years, I find it patronizing. This is mainly because these are the same people who constantly ask how I'm doing/how my Mom is doing, yet will not lift a finger or even offer to help me. Most of the time they just walk away, stop communicating, etc, leaving me constantly feeling let down and isolated.

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It's correct when you say only those who have experienced the same circumstances as you will understand. They really don't understand and probably don't really know what to say to make you feel better. It doesn't sound like they're delibertly trying to be mean. However, it's clear that you may be burnt out and you need a break. You probably shouldn't really expect them to help because, they may have things they're dealing with in their own lives. I'm the primary caretaker for my mother who has a recent diagnosis of dementia but she's still in her own home at this point. It's not an ideal situation but it's works for now. I don't plan to become a 24/7 caregiver until it's absolutely necessary. We also have video cameras in her home to monitor her around the clock. These cameras are inexpensive and they are really worth the money. I visit her daily for running her errands and the medical appointments. Sometimes, other family will drop by to visit and help when it's convenient for them. All her bill's are set up auto pay which helps with keeping the bills paid and up to date. Hiring someone to come in to help would provide some respite, if it's affordable. Currently, my mom is getting home health care for ongoing chronic health issue. You should try to pull in all available community resources, they are out there. I will be looking into Meals on Wheels this week. Have you checked with your local Area on Agency, United Way, Health and Human Services and the Alzheimer Association? They may be able to provide information regarding low cost or subsidized elderly care programs for seniors living at home and aging in place. In my city we have a medical clinic that specializes in geriatric care. These providers can be a wealth of knowledge when it comes to elderly care. Good Luck!
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Can you ask them to help you? Make them feel needed? If they know there is something they can do, however small, they will feel needed. They could send a card, or keep you in their prayers, or bring you flowers from their garden. They might bake some cookies if you asked them.
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I forgot to add something to my previous post...another irritating statement is, “Oh, you’re soooo lucky to still have her!!!” I want to strangle people who say that dumb stupid remark. Hugs 🤗
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kdcm1011 May 2020
I know! I sure didn’t feel lucky & then felt guilty & selfish because I didn’t consider myself lucky.
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Our children cannot handle seeing us elder and they avoid visiting and calling. We've accepted their reactions and our friends once in a while can help. Usually those who are helpers and doers are helping and doing for others than just one person. I've come to the conclusion - I smile and thank them for their consideration and let them know I've got plenty for volunteers to do.

Secondly, I know I've got to hire people to do chores and let the things go that can go. Different now - I certainly quit caring what others think - I'm doing the best I can.
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It used to bother me when people would say that to me but now that many of the same people are helping as well as telling "I am a good daughter" I have a better understanding and appreciation. We have had to pack up mom's apartment by using pictures and a phone. It was amazing how people took turns helping pack and sort! I sort of felt like a robot telling others what to do with each item. We are "good daughters" and I am sure are patronizing us but take it as a compliment.
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Cascia May 2020
I absolutely hate the people say you're a good daughter - it completely irks me. I am single and going through a though situation, 87 year old dad well on his way to being bedridden and a narcsistic unstable 84 year old mom who was always difficult. Am amazed at the people that reach out and the ones that don't- Dad went completely downhill the last month during Covid - was independent a month ago and due to a lumbar infection now may be bed ridden- mom complicates everything and its always a complicated thing with her- now sure how I am gouging to get through the next few months if he keep going downhill and she keeps being herself always fighting me.
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You need help for yourself. I can read this ...it is a cry for help.
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I understand your point of view, but i don’t agree With it. If these people are not family members, why do you feel they have a responsibility in your mother’s care? Others here have said they may have their own issues/responsibilities and don’t feel the need to take on more. Sometimes a question of “how are you doing” is just rhetorical and if you are responding how you’re having a tough time, and your attitude comes across as let down or disappointed by them, then of course they are going to walk away.
Understand these are the hard times when you learn who a real friend is and sometimes the answer is none, but it’s still is not their responsibility to help out with care for your mom. It’s the path you chose and perhaps its time to make other decisions for mom’s care. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I’ve seen this over and over..my next door neighbor is 89, kids don’t come around, and the kids call the other neighbor to tell her to make sure mom takes her meds, etc. Utter bs and we both said no.
I do wish you well, but you need a break from this...10 years is an eternity in caregiving..
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Happyplace May 2020
I never expected them to help and I don't ask them. However, I didn't think it was too much to expect close friends of 20, 30, 40+ years to offer some emotional support beyond a dismissive response (perhaps a follow up phone call? answering a text message? etc.) but apparently it is. Lesson learned.
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Most of them who say that are really saying -- I'm glad you are doing this for your mom because if it was up to me, she would be in a nursing home.

It would be nice if those family members could just offer or agree...without all kinds of stipulations...to offer a week or so relief. I've heard things like I just can't do what you do, I don't know how you do it, I'm not giving up my life to take care of someone else, when you can't wipe your own butt - you need to be in a nursing home. ETC

Those same people managed to work with intolerable people for months and years - everyone's had a period of awful working conditions in their life. Seems to me if you have someone willing to be the pack mule for a parent, you'd be more than willing to give that ol' mule a rest before he breaks down and can't haul the load up the mountain. These are the folks that shoot the mule and let the buzzards pick the leftovers.

Next time, try, I'm not the good daughter - I just happen to be the daughter that others don't care enough about to release from bondage for a break.
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Happyplace May 2020
Thank you. You absolutely understand. I started using "I'm not really that great of a daughter. I'm just the only one here."
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I would say it's "textbook" behavior. Their eyes glaze over after the first sentence of response comes out of your mouth. I would say, "Don't take it personally", but I know you do. I DID. It hurts.
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Caregiving is hard and many, if not most times, thankless. Most people to not understand how hard It can be, nor do they want to do it. When you tell someone how difficult it is, the first thing they are thinking is that you want them to help you., so it is best limit or change the subject because you probably really do not want that person to help you anyway.
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Thank you everyone for your responses. They've all been so helpful and have given me things to think about.

From my own experience, platitudes like "you're a good daughter" or "you're mother is so blessed to have you" are simply a polite way of saying "I don't want to get involved" (for whatever reason.) It is highly annoying especially when you're going through a rough patch or getting burned out.

I am seeking more help and support from professionals, because in my life anyway, I have learned over the years that they are more reliable. I learned a BIG lesson in life when my best friend since childhood (who I regarded as a sister) did not attend my father's wake/funeral (and never even told me she wasn't coming.) Unfortunately that ( and other examples which I won't get into) has made me realize how unimportant me and my family are to so-called friends. I've learned I'll just have to pay for help if I want it. Emotionally, working and caregiving is very difficult, but so much easier than to have the rug swept out from under me by people who I expected I'd be able to count on in my darkest hours.
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Ricky6 May 2020
My only comment about your best friend not attending your father’s wake is I am a person who does not attend funerals/wakes. Maybe your friend is that way too, and she just did not know how to tell you.
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It took me a little while but I started asking for help. My sister and I started out doing whatever mom needed but after a couple of years we knew we were going to get burned out so we finally asked my brother to help. He was glad to do it but lots of times people don't like to volunteer :) He was only able to help with several suppers a week because he still worked full time so eventually we found a woman in the neighborhood to help us for a reasonable fee. It was wonderful. Eventually it came to 24/7 care needed so we had to line up day and night care. Again we found someone to help out a few nights a week (and brother stayed on Saturday night). Long story short.....if you need help please tell them. If they can't help they may be aware of someone who would love to make some extra money sitting with your mom. I know how you feel. I hope you can get help with your mom. We got tired mentally taking care of mom but I feel so blessed that my sister and I both had retired before mom got this way and that we were able to take care of her the best we could. When she died we were at peace knowing we had taken care of our mom. I have to mention too that my mom was a sweetheart and appreciated everything we did for her. God bless you.
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Take it for what it's worth and that is that it isn't worth getting bothered about because the person(s) said "You're a good daughter." They are just stating the facts. Instead of getting upset about it, take it as a compliment.
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You can always tell these people that you choose not to discuss your situation with them, but thanks for asking.

You could also just say, "she is very blessed to have such a great daughter!"

You are pretty awesome and amazing that you have been caring for 10 years. Please keep in mind that she may need more care then you alone can provide. Seek solutions for respite for you. Hugs
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Yes, it's commonly thought that daughters in particular have an obligation to give up their lives in service of an elder. I have no idea why people make that assumption. We all have only XXX number of minutes on earth and to spend a significant portion of your life in involuntary servitude is just wrong. No wonder you are upset with people who say things like that. That type of comment does nothing but reassure the speaker that what you are doing fits into their narrative.

After 10 years of that, if this were me, I'd be looking for alternatives for caregiving that don't involve myself. As one other commentor noted, not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. You've done your time in the hole. If someone needs caregiving for 10 years or more, that's too much to expect from one person. What would they do if you dropped dead?
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Happyplace May 2020
"What would they do if you dropped dead?"
Ha my motto over the last few months has become "you're gonna miss me when I'm gone."
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Does your mom have the funds to pay for respite care so you can atleast have 5 days to yourself? Or, could she afford to go to a daycare daily or how ever often you need? Ten years is a long time to care for someone and it does take its toll. I believe you are already burned out and need a break from care giving. Is placement for your mom out of the question?
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I get the same crap. Blahh, blahh. “You are such a good daughter.” I’ve come to realize that the comment only makes them feel better. I just stare at people when they say that to me. What else can I do? No point in discussing or conversing about the topic. It’s just gonna give me a bigger headache.
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sister46 May 2020
Love this! Been there. I cared for my mother for 10 years. I was an only child, hence no help. What do you think my mother's four younger sisters said to me? "There's nothing we can do". I hadn't asked them to "do anything". I hadn't even hinted. They made sure to tell me more than once ahead of time, "There's nothing we can do". How did they know? I'll never forget it. There was one harmless thing they could have done, like simply coming to visit.
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That’s exactly what I get...”you’re a great daughter, you’re a blessing to your mom”.

So tired of hearing that crap from so called friends or family!

I feel like saying you wanna help? Send over some prepared food once in awhile or pay my mom’s lawn cutter or ask if she needs some money to pay a necessity bill or (before COVID-19) come over and watch her for a few hours so I can get some respite...something, anything!
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sister46 May 2020
Right on! You said it all. I completed ten years taking care of my mother and ten years taking care of my father and three taking care of my mother-in-law and eleven years taking care of my husband and by the time it was over, I didn't want anything to do with anybody I'd ever known. I was so disappointed in people.
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Yeah, I’m with you! My older sister always tells me I am being such a good daughter and all I want to do is yell at her and tell her to CALL YOUR MOTHER!
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I would be so furious, I'd like to beat them on the head. First, they are totally stupid, ignorant fools and say what they do because they are "free" of being in your shoes and would not help anyway. They truly neither care nor understand and so do these things. I learned the hard way long ago - no one will take care of someone else - yes, there are some who will but they are far and few between and often they can't due to their own responsibilities. If you get help, you are blessed but don't ever think or depend you will get it. I know - experience. Walk away from these people - don't let them near you to upset you.
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sister46 May 2020
You are right on. Good advice.
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These folks do not understand your situation. They may not be able or desire to take the hard path of listening and helping problem solve or empathize. They think you need encouragement that you are doing the right thing and being a good______ (fill in the blank).

Find your "tribe" - people who understand (like here) and can give you what you need. When you find people going the "you're such a good ______" route realize they are not going to be part of your tribe.
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sister46 May 2020
Excellent advice!
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I think most times either people don't want to hear about it, understandably (they fear having to deal with it, or they have dealt with it and it's behind them). Or they truly mean you are...and they don't know what else to say; they may mean they don't know how you do it or how they would ever do it. My usual response, for better or worse, is to convey I'm not that good, and I mean it. I willingly admit to my exhaustion and frustration and yes, anger. I am a dutiful daughter, I am paying back for the support I have received over many years out of gratitude. But not happily. I curse. Both my mother who was spiteful and nasty before dementia was diagnosed and at times my even more demanding father who is deaf so can't hear any of it. Often under my breath. So let people thing good things about us, correct them/elaborate if you feel like it, and for sure lower your expectations of ever having anyone offer to help. Sometimes you have to ask, sometimes you have to hire. You may be burning them out. Try to find a caregiver support group, virtual or otherwise. Beware burning out your friends that are left.
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It is even worse when they try to tell you what to do instead of offering platitudes much less to help. As if they have ever had to care for anyone. my brother has been very hands-off in the care of out parents. He was even been MIA for many years during their divorce, and health issues. He has recently been involved, but instead of offering to help care for, run errands, etc, he takes on a bossy attitude and tells me what to do to care for them. Makes me so angry and frustrated. I only pay attention to other caregivers now. It makes things much easier.
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sister46 May 2020
One thing I resented from people who had no intention of ever giving me some relief was sentences that began with, "You need to.......". UGH! After a person began a sentence with, "You need to....." I tuned out.
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My question here is this:
Are you annoyed with them or with yourself?
I am an RN and one thing I believe is we are not all cut out to be caregivers.
We dont all have the patience or energy for it. That doesn't mean you dont want the best for your mother. As a nurse I have seen and experienced a lot of things; some of it very good and some very bad.
There are caregivers who have endless patience and energy and truly enjoy spending hours caring for, not just their own loved ones, but the loved ones of others too. There are also people who just dont have the patience, stamina, skills or emotional capacity to deal with people who are ill. Those people have talents and abilities that are RIGHTLY served elsewhere. I am not saying this is you. In fact I am speaking in generalities here for anyone who might be reading. Only you can decide if this is a temporary feeling on your part, or if you need to find some other way to care for your loved one. Not being able to or even wanting to care for a loved one is not a sin, if I were ill I want someone to care for me who WANTS to be there, not someone who is forced to. If I had to choose a daughter who could come see me happy VS a daughter who was tired, mentally exhausted, depressed....ect ect ect I would choose a happy daughter and assisted living, home health aides or someone else. People can only give their best to others when they feel their best. Sometimes being a caregiver is not meant for everyone. It takes a lot of self reflection to truly decide what is best for a loved one. Other people dont know and are just trying to be nice. If you want answers for a situation you are not happy with that starts with you.
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Frances73 May 2020
Thank you, I love my mother and willingly took over the supervision of her care but I am so tired of all of this! The constant stress of dealing with medical issues, dr visits, her demands and needs, etc. I am 65 and wanted to enjoy my retirement but everytime the phone rings and I see the name of her SNC I want to hide under the bed!
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I reach out to my 4 sisters too and get the same avoidance. As long as it's my house she's lived in almost 10 years that's where the conversation ends. Mom is also extremely possessive with her "hoarding" that I have worked so slowly to free my house of without success. The useless storage on my back porch (5 years now) has got to go. Not to mention the youngest 2 sisters and their family coming in constantly without notice! I'm so tired..... Nothing will change until one of us is gone. At this point, I feel hopeless, used and alone.
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2020
I think the next time the uninvited visitors show up without calling ahead, i would do one of two things. Open the door and tell them you are not receiving visitors today, this week, this month, then close the door in their face....OR, dont even open the door. If they are that insensitive to YOUR needs, then you have the right to put a stop to their shenanigans!!! Take care of yourself!!
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It is understandable to feel the need to have friends offer to help in your situation. Ten years is a very long time to have to care for a loved one.
However, don't be so sure that friends or family do not care about you because they do not offer help. You never know what people are going through in their own lives. Many people do not talk about their own problems or situations. There are those that have things happening we would never be aware of. For many, it is impossible to help others beyond what they are responsible for in their own lives.
It would be good for you to find some support for yourself though. Search for support groups or organizations in your area. You may be surprised how many there may be. Some are volunteer to help or very minimal pay. Being able to talk with people going through something similar to your own situation helps a great deal. These places also have resource information that may help.
Best to you, I hope you find the support you are needing.
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I find that others think I have it all under control. It is my fault if I don't tell them what help I could use.
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Same thing happens to me. I just smile and say, "Thank you". I have also learned that the person who says to call if I need anything will have an excuse not to help if I do call. Besides caring for my mother in my home, my husband is in early stages of alzheimers. Our nurse daughter-in-law is the only one I can count on. Will pray for you.
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Mysteryshopper May 2020
Oh definitely. The "call if there's anything I can do" crowd. Yep. Don't try calling them because they do not understand and it's embarrassing for the one who needs the help because one should be able to reach out to someone who offered. They were making themselves feel/look good in the moment they "offered" and they don't get it. Having someone like that "help" you would end up being more work for you in the long run anyway as they will make things difficult so you don't ask them again. I've learned that sometimes the people who "get it" the best are the ones (ironically) who don't offer to help. A lot of those folks already have their own spouse, elder, etc and are already providing care, so they know exactly what it entails. We may or may not know about those personal details sometimes. It's all so difficult. All the same, no one should make an offer to someone they already know is overworked and then be surprised when they are asked to follow through.
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Plan, if not role play/practice your responses to these people in advance. Be ready for them, asking for help/support and watch their mouth open and nothing comes out. Such as: I learned that asking for support and assistance from friends "LIKE YOU" is how I am becoming a really good daughter. . . . Can you offer me an hour or two now and then?

While you don't want them to feel defensive, you do want them to stop in their tracks and consider what you need and what they are saying to you.
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People mean well. They actually do not get the frustration or level of mental exhaustion. I just say..Thank You..
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