My mom has good days and bad days as far as her memory goes. She has difficulty walking and currently uses a walker. I got married this past Dec. My husband and I have been living with her. My husband is worried about her falling and getting depressed, thus causing mental and physical decline. He's not sure it is the right decision to move.
Your husband's concern should be whether or not you are getting depressed. Not your mother.
If your mother still possesses enough mental faculties that the three of you can sit down and have a talk with her, have one. Tell her what her choices are. She can move to a senior community where she won't be alone. She can go to AL where she will get meals and help that she needs. She can stay where she is and have live-in caregiving help. You and your husband will of course make sure she is cared for before you move. You two can be her advocates, not her slaves.
Please don't let any of the martyrs and "saints" here make you feel guilty and ashamed because you don't want to sacrifice your life to be your mother's caregiver. You and your husband have a right to live your lives and to do so wherever you want.
My mother is trying to put the guilt trip on me now because I'm back together with my ex-husband and moving out. We're buying a place with an 'in-law' suite. She's angry because our son is going to live there because he's in school. I told that kid he better get a Ph.D and stay for a long time.
My mother told me that she knows I don't love her. I told her she is wrong.
I do love her. Only I love my husband, son, and myself more. That's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. I will make sure she has homecare services. I'll still help her out. Only it will be on my terms not hers.
I would feel guilty if I left and didn't get my mom in a safe environment and surrounded by the care she needs.
Unless you can get her into an AL or unless you can get her round the clock oversight at home, I think she is very vulnerable being alone unless she has other supports you didn’t mention.
I know you want to start your new life but your Mom needs help and unless you have a serious care plan in place, she’s at risk for hurting herself.
Seems harsh unless there are plans to take care of her.
A senior doesn't need to fall to become depressed, or start having memory or cognitive or loneliness issues.
Your choices are:
- transition into a nice, reputable AL -- either in the town where she currently is (and before you move); or to a facility in the town where you are moving.
- you hire a rotation of aids to keep her in her home, if she can afford it and you wish to manage it daily (and it won't be cheap or easy during the current labor shortage).
No matter what solution you choose she probably won't like the change. If you are her PoA you do what works for *you*.
If I were in your shoes I'd opt to move her to a facility where I'll be living. There can be much to manage and at 94, she's not far from a profound health event or accident that will require more of your involvement, at least for a while. Trying to deal with it from afar will be pretty stressful.
Don't be concerned with the argument that she won't know anyone in your new home town... at 94 and with limited mobility her social life is extremely limited anyway. This is why I personally would opt for a nice facility that has a good reputation, plenty of staff and daily activities, clubs, and events for their residents. And accepts Medicaid.
Your original question is about whether you should feel guilty if you move away. This depends on whether you are her PoA. And how connected to her you are. It's not whether you *should* feel guilty, but can you prevent yourself from feeling this way? Honestly, I don't think I could at her age. If she were 74 it'd be a different scenario.
I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
The other day I was in a medical facility and had a long --i.e. 20 minute -- chat with a woman who has worked for some 16 years in what she called a "senior residence." There are so many types nowadays, I don't know what kind exactly. But here's what struck me from what she said. To summarize: "We are no longer accepting ANYONE on Medicaid. And the ones we do have who are on Medicaid, we are putting them now 2 to a room." This reminds me of a Canadian who posted something recently about how people there with very little resources end up 3 to 4 in a room.
I have no idea if this is a trend that's going to sweep the country or if it's already swept the country and we don't know it, whether it's "regional" for certain parts of the country, etc.
If she has memory issues now, be prepared for a possibly quick decline. Often, when things change in the home, there is a mental decline.
It kind of sounds like your husband is more reluctant to move than you in regard to his concern about your mom. Sounds like he would be willing to stay put. Is there a reason you don't want to be there any longer? And would mom's finances afford her the same caregiving situation that she has with the two of you at this time?
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