My mom has good days and bad days as far as her memory goes. She has difficulty walking and currently uses a walker. I got married this past Dec. My husband and I have been living with her. My husband is worried about her falling and getting depressed, thus causing mental and physical decline. He's not sure it is the right decision to move.
I would not want to oversee in home care from a distance. So my suggestion would be place Mom in an AL. Where us her choice.
You don’t give much in the way of details of the day to day. People here are assuming you do full time care based solely on her age. I think if you did you would have said so. You also would have explained how you planned to replace that. The fact you say your husband is concerned only about falls implies you don’t. And given he is concerned about depression etc coming as a result of a fall tells us she is OK on those fronts now.
So tell her you want to move out to live your married life in your own home and she can then decide with your inout what help she might need to obtain when you are gone.
Expecting any 94 year old to live alone is a recipe for disaster, sorry. Especially 94 year old with mobility and memory issues who are used to having loved ones living with them full time.
I would feel guilty if I left and didn't get my mom in a safe environment and surrounded by the care she needs.
A senior doesn't need to fall to become depressed, or start having memory or cognitive or loneliness issues.
Your choices are:
- transition into a nice, reputable AL -- either in the town where she currently is (and before you move); or to a facility in the town where you are moving.
- you hire a rotation of aids to keep her in her home, if she can afford it and you wish to manage it daily (and it won't be cheap or easy during the current labor shortage).
No matter what solution you choose she probably won't like the change. If you are her PoA you do what works for *you*.
If I were in your shoes I'd opt to move her to a facility where I'll be living. There can be much to manage and at 94, she's not far from a profound health event or accident that will require more of your involvement, at least for a while. Trying to deal with it from afar will be pretty stressful.
Don't be concerned with the argument that she won't know anyone in your new home town... at 94 and with limited mobility her social life is extremely limited anyway. This is why I personally would opt for a nice facility that has a good reputation, plenty of staff and daily activities, clubs, and events for their residents. And accepts Medicaid.
Your original question is about whether you should feel guilty if you move away. This depends on whether you are her PoA. And how connected to her you are. It's not whether you *should* feel guilty, but can you prevent yourself from feeling this way? Honestly, I don't think I could at her age. If she were 74 it'd be a different scenario.
I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
The other day I was in a medical facility and had a long --i.e. 20 minute -- chat with a woman who has worked for some 16 years in what she called a "senior residence." There are so many types nowadays, I don't know what kind exactly. But here's what struck me from what she said. To summarize: "We are no longer accepting ANYONE on Medicaid. And the ones we do have who are on Medicaid, we are putting them now 2 to a room." This reminds me of a Canadian who posted something recently about how people there with very little resources end up 3 to 4 in a room.
I have no idea if this is a trend that's going to sweep the country or if it's already swept the country and we don't know it, whether it's "regional" for certain parts of the country, etc.