I am a 34 y/o single female with 2 elementary aged boys. My parents were never married, and provided the best they could or knew how to do. They both were/ are alcoholics, smokers and addictive to gambling. I never went without the basics. I bought a 4 bedroom house by myself when I turned 30 for the boys and I. I lived there for a year when my grandmother and mother moved in with me. ( not for financial, it would be single floor living for them.) In that time I have taken in a cousin and her two daughters for about 6 months. I have moved out of the house and into an apartment because I can not live with my mother. I currently have a 2 bedroom apartment for me and the boys. My mom helps with daycare. My father (70) had a stroke 10 years ago, and my aunt has been caring for him, as I was pregnant with my first son. Her husband just suffered a massive stroke and I am currently helping with my father. At her home he lives in the basement, bathroom upstairs, and the house just has so many tripping hazards. Since her husband had a smaller stoke maybe 2/3 years ago, she’s being caring for them both and her health is declining and so has my fathers. Also the home they live in needs attention. I see him now and he could barely walk, get up or down stairs, and not taking care of his hygiene. I have suggested to both of them, I am now ready to take care of my father, but she doesn’t want to talk about it and he dosent want to make a decision. I need to know what to do such as taking FMLA, looking into a 3bedroom, or just do nothing, and let him go back for her to care for her husband( if he makes it) and my father. ( who she said can go down the stairs on his bottom if he needs to.) She is a difficult women, who’s own son dosent want anything to do with her. Her other siblings had always had a hard time with her, and she plays the “ woe is me” card. I ideally would get a 3 bedroom apartment, and get one of those programs that pays loved ones to be the caregiver. Along with his finances I would be able to afford not going back to work for a few years. I don’t know what to do. I am dealing with anxiety and depression ( therapist says it’s situational), but do I try to take the responsibility or do I sit back? I appreciate what she has done, and told her I can help more and let her take care of her matters. She told me I can visit, but when I do call or try to visit “today is not a good day” and her house is not child friendly.
As for being a paid caregiver, watch out. Once you get in, you're sucked in deeper. Is that fair to your children? Kids often don't react well to having an old person in the home, taking up your attention, requiring care from all of you, and many accommodations that inconvenience them.
Also DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB. You need to keep your benefits, whatever they are. You should be contributing to a retirement plan if your employer has one. Do you have any idea what it's like to be with a sick old person 24/7? You are already anxious and depressed, and caregiving will almost certainly ensure that you'll be even more anxious and depressed.
I can't think of any worse idea than what you're contemplating.
Best for everyone is to find a safe place where he can live with proper care for his needs without all the other chaos that your own life will bring to it.
If you want your kids to know your dad, you can bring them to visit him. You don't just bring a virtual stranger into their home and expect them to love him.
The thing is, you're looking only at two opposite options: 1. you do nothing and 2. you do everything, at considerable cost not only to you but also to your two young sons.
And when it comes to your father's wishes, he said he'd like to live independently but he knows that isn't a realistic choice. To me, although of course I don't know him at all, that suggests that he would like not to be depending on his sister, which could be for all kinds of reasons, but based on what you've mentioned in passing might include not having to hear daily about her sacrifices and not being made to feel that he is a burden and a nuisance.
Meanwhile, you are concerned about possible neglect of his basic needs such as support with his personal care, access to daylight and fresh air, opportunities to socialise, perhaps access to food, fluids and medications management as well. Not only do you not really have the time to provide the necessary support but attempting to tends to bring you into conflict with your aunt who perceives your input as being critical of her and intrusive to boot.
The smell of burning martyr coming off her must become quite overwhelming at times - and it's your poor father who has to live with it.
You need more options between the two extremes. Where can you get advice about support services, and possibly about supported living too, in your father's location? Have you approached your Area Agency on Aging?
You’ve already attempted to segment yourself into too many pieces for adults who made their decisions, and chose badly. you’ve paid your dues to adult family.
Your children need you to be their mom, without distraction or division.
Do that.
I think I have my answer.
You have heard of F.O.G.? Please assess yourself for this.
Fear - of what Aunt or others may think or how they may judge you? Is this anything?
You feel you"owe" it to him? What does *owe* mean to you? Owe / obligation - same?
Guilt? I can feel that coming through. You feel you need to help. To take care of him. Sure. What does "take care of" mean? Does it have to mean under your roof? Provided by your own hands? Or are there other ways?
If you want your Father to move in - you will do it. But please think long & hard first. Then get all the practical things arranged first. Never take on the responsibility without the legal authority (POA etc).
Leave yourself a pathway out!
"I bought a 4 bedroom house by myself when I turned 30 for the boys and I. I lived there for a year when my grandmother and mother moved in with me. ( not for financial, it would be single floor living for them.) In that time I have taken in a cousin and her two daughters for about 6 months. I have moved out of the house and into an apartment because I can not live with my mother. I currently have a 2 bedroom apartment for me and the boys."
Are you the one who takes care of the ones who can't be self-sufficient as your self-designated role? Do your grandmother and mother pay rent? Is the cousin the daughter of the aunt who is taking care of your father?
You move out of YOUR house to let your mother live there?
I thought social workers didn't make much money. You must be one of the ones in private practice to be able to make the kind of money that you can subsidize your family like this.
I will chime in with the rest to NOT become your father's caregiver. Somehow I suspect you will still do it, though.
If you're concerned that his basic needs are being neglected - not through anybody's fault, I'm not blaming your aunt, it's a matter of her having only two hands and just the standard 24 hours in the day - then there are other things that can be done about it besides your subsidising another house purchase (!!!) and disrupting the boys' home life.
Concentrate on your children. They deserve to have a mom. You deserve to enjoy your children. They grow up fast!
Please don’t get yourself into a stressful situation like that. You will end up feeling trapped and regret it horribly.
Best wishes to you and your family.
thank you :)
Keep your focus on bringing your children up & earning a living. These are your responsibilities.
"My father (70) had a stroke 10 years ago, and my aunt has been caring for him, as I was pregnant with my first son".
That reads to me like you added that "as I was pregnant.." as the *excuse* to why you didn't step in to be his caregiver at that time.
You didn't then & you don't now, need an excuse. You can say No, I cannot do that. No to making his life needs completely overrun your own & your children's.
Your Father had a stroke. If your Aunt chooses to be her Husband &/or Brother's caregivers - she can. Crazy, dedicated or a martyr I dunno.. but that's her choice. She has other options.
Start asking yourself some honest questions.
1. WHY do you want to move your Father into your home?
thank you :)