My mom doesn’t always remember to take her medicine and refuses to go to Al. All she does is watch tv all day and pretty much the same movie. I don’t think she is eating. She has gone from 169 lbs to 140 since November 2022. She doesn’t shower and hasn’t washed her hair since November (I only know this because she doesn’t wash her hair anymore because I have to take her to the beauty shop and they said the other day she hadn’t been there since November). I knew it looked terrible but I thought maybe my sister possibly my sister (who doesn’t want anything to do with her care anymore, even though she has dpoa) might have taken her. She doesn’t clean anymore the 1/2 bath she uses most of the time is just disgusting. I keep trying to get up enough nerve to clean it. She has 3 flights of stairs to use to go up and down to shower do her laundry and get her clothes. She had in home health for 4 weeks and only did everything they wanted her to do so they would just go away. She said she was evaluated and was told she was just fine to live there by herself. Quite honestly this is becoming to much for me to handle on my own. I cried for at least an hour the other night. It’s effectaning my marriage and family. I go up once a week to put her medicine together and spend at least 6 hours but she honestly could use someone 2/3 days a week. In which she isn’t going to pay for and neither is my sister. My sister won’t make her go to assisted living because she is trying to keep as much in heritance as she can. I’m on ssd which makes it hard to do a lot. Plus I live 45 minutes away and can’t afford the gas to go up there more than I do, even though she does give me money for gas, I also have a Jeep that has 300,00 0 miles so I’m not sure how much longer it will hold up we have put a lot of work in it the past few years which gets into our monthly income which isn’t much since we’re both on ssd.
Your mom’s safety and welfare AND YOURS, are BOTH at risk. BALANCE is important in caregiving.
Your sister (her POA) isn’t helping. She may or may not, be a “good person” too.
She may be overwhelmed, she may be trying to save herself, she may be desperate for the money she thinks will come to her when your mother dies, she may be denying care for some reason that SHE doesn’t realize.
To cut to the chase, YOUR MOTHER IS NOT SAFE, and YOU need the support of someone who will help you sort this out and decide what you can/can’t/should/shouldn’t do.
So TODAY, get on your computer and SEEK OUT SOMEONE TO TALK TO about this.
Is there a Board of Social Services In your town or county? Contact them.
Do you attend religious services? Contact the lead official there. Even if you DON’T, a pastor, priest, rabbi may have information that can help you.
JUST doing this kind of search can empower you, and you NEED empowerment f your own, for your own welfare.
You need to stop contributing your finances. until HERS are being used for HER CARE.
Whether she resists residential care or doesn’t MAY be irrelevant TO provision for her safe and reasonable need for care. Her present lifestyle indicates that she needs a higher level of care than she currently receives.
You may need to “back off” so you can figure out what’s really going on, and what you can realistically contribute while taking the best care possible of yourself and your family. Tough to do, but possibly your only realistic and reasonable choice.
Hard, painful thoughts and choices, with no “happy endings”. Most of us here have had to make some. Please keep in touch.
It’s terribly selfish of your sister to be thinking about an inheritance when your mom needs to be placed somewhere and be cared for properly.
I would call the police to do a welfare check, plus APS and report your mother’s situation to them.
I wouldn’t give your sister a second thought. Your sister has shown that she only cares about herself. She doesn’t care about you or your mom.
Best wishes to you and your mother.
Two siblings. One sees that Mom can't look after herself anymore.
The other: Doesn't see it, doesn't agree. Or agrees but cant to accept it. Or even agrees & accepts it but won't take action.
I think when this situation arises, it's time for outside people have a look. For a health evaluation & needs assessment to be done - by trained people. That may even be Adult Protection Services to start.
Having outsider input, then a family meeting with a professional AND including Mom, can get everyone refocused: onto what Mom wants & needs.
Sometimes the 'must stay at home' sib is in denial. Or is stuck in 'keep Mom happy' mode. Clueless... or even greedy wanting to save their perceived inheritance. Then they need a giant kick up the A & to renounce their POA to someone more worthy.
Just maybe Mom could stay home a little longer with much more support? IF this is possible: if affordable, if available, if Mom likes being alone.
Or maybe it's time for 24/7 supported living. With regular prepared meals & meds, a regular routine & socialisation.
If I felt strongly Mom could no longer live alone safely, I'd make that call.
I would not attempt to do much more given your own limitations. If this cannot be helped by intervention of APS, then I doubt there is a whole lot of help for the situation and Mom and Sis will likely go on until there is a medical emergency.
So sorry. Not everything can be fixed. Going to recommend you read Liz Scheier's memoir Never Simple about her mentally challenged Mom.
You're able to do all of this going there just once/week?
What does your brother do? He also doesn't get along with your sister, as you mentioned in another post.
The State will not take over unless Sis revokes her DPOA. If Mom has a Dementia she cannot assign a new POA. You maybe able to go for guardianship but its expensive. If you win, the cost can be taken from Moms money.
You can do this anonymously or at least ask that your mom and sister are not told who called. It'll also get a much faster response than calling APS directly.
Someone called the police for my parents, which was absurd. They were completely fine, my dad was still driving and active in the community, and he had no health issues. My mom was fine and being cared for properly.
Dad was appalled and embarrassed by the call, but it did put them on the town's radar and they called me to talk about the check. We never did know who called, but it's irrelevant now.