My 92 yr. old Mom has been living with me for over 8 years and the time has come for her to move to an assisted living facility. She wants to move to Las Vegas or Florida where she has friends. I live in the Northeast and think she should be closer to me. She doesn't value the help and care I have given her so it makes sense that she is willing to move away. Although, it would be less expensive to have her move to either of these places and easier for me, I do feel conflicted because I know better. She, however, is very stubborn and says that I am not her Boss. Any thoughts on this matter is appreciated!
I would move her to a local facility. If she wants to keep up the pipe dream of moving far away, fine. She can dream all she wants. BUT I would do absolutely NOTHING to help facilitate this dream. If she can figure it out and make the plans on her own, well, off she goes. But at least you will have her in an appropriate facility. Once she gets settled, hopefully she will be happy there and give up her big plans.
Even in the early stages of Dementia their ability to reason is gone. You can't argue with them.
Has Mom been diagnosed and shown incompetent to make informed decisions? Do you have POA? If yes to both, you now make the decisions. And as Alva said, if she is 92 how old are her friends? Probably in the same boat. So no help there. And she shouldn't expect their children to help they have their hands full. (Oh yeah she could think this. No longer able to think logically)
What I would do, for now, is place her nearby telling her you will look into places in Fla and LV. Saying that because they are farther away its going to take some time. Just a little fib. When she asks, tell her your working on it maybe even show pictures of places. Maybe eventually she'll get used to the AL and forget about FL and LV.
We all know you will never move her to either place but you have to humor her. Really, logically, how are you going to get her to FL or LV. I live in NJ, I would never drive a someone suffering from Dementia on a 2 or 3 day trip to Fla or fly. Been to Vegas and would not fly a person with Dementia from Philly especially if incontinent. And then getting them thru security. You never know how they will react to unfamiliar things.
Why didn't Mom go live in FL or LV 8 yrs ago? Be aware that this is all in her head. Like a 4 yr old she wants what she wants. She does not realize what goes into moving her and trying to care for her this far away. Actually, she probably doesn't see herself as an old woman of 92. In her mind she maybe lots younger. It comes down to its not what she wants anymore but what she needs. You are the caregiver and the one this will effect, so you do what you need to do to make it easier for you. So, no asking what she wants, find a nice AL and move her in.
If your Mom is completely rational enough, and able, then such a move is fine as long as she understands you will not be able to visit her nor to address her needs and it is unlikely these friends will be able, and knows that once this is done it is DONE for good, she will have to hire a fiduciary in the area to manage her care as you cannot do it long distance. If she is rational and in enough control of her mental capacities, then she can do this. Otherwise the answer is "No, we cannot possibly do this" and for the reasons above. End of discussion. IF you are her POA.. Only you can judge your Mom's dementia, and how "rational" her ability to make this decision and her understanding of the repercussions are.
Wishing you both good luck and the very best.