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If she is of sound mind and body, sure. But given her diagnosis and age, I am very doubtful that those things are true. If you are planning on continuing to assist her and to be a part of her life, then I would say a hard no to Vegas and FL. Maybe you could tell her the hard truth of how life will be if she moves away from you. Not making a big deal about it or being upset, just the factual reality that she probably does not fully understand. She may be wearing rose colored glasses thinking about how wonderful it will be in her new surroundings. Sorry, but I think she would be seriously disappointed with. the reality.

I would move her to a local facility. If she wants to keep up the pipe dream of moving far away, fine. She can dream all she wants. BUT I would do absolutely NOTHING to help facilitate this dream. If she can figure it out and make the plans on her own, well, off she goes. But at least you will have her in an appropriate facility. Once she gets settled, hopefully she will be happy there and give up her big plans.
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bethny58 Jun 2021
Yes I think you are correct about the rose colored glasses. She does think she will feel better somewhere else and doesn't remember about all the things I do for her. Thank you for your thoughtful advice!
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Everything Alva said.

Even in the early stages of Dementia their ability to reason is gone. You can't argue with them.

Has Mom been diagnosed and shown incompetent to make informed decisions? Do you have POA? If yes to both, you now make the decisions. And as Alva said, if she is 92 how old are her friends? Probably in the same boat. So no help there. And she shouldn't expect their children to help they have their hands full. (Oh yeah she could think this. No longer able to think logically)

What I would do, for now, is place her nearby telling her you will look into places in Fla and LV. Saying that because they are farther away its going to take some time. Just a little fib. When she asks, tell her your working on it maybe even show pictures of places. Maybe eventually she'll get used to the AL and forget about FL and LV.

We all know you will never move her to either place but you have to humor her. Really, logically, how are you going to get her to FL or LV. I live in NJ, I would never drive a someone suffering from Dementia on a 2 or 3 day trip to Fla or fly. Been to Vegas and would not fly a person with Dementia from Philly especially if incontinent. And then getting them thru security. You never know how they will react to unfamiliar things.

Why didn't Mom go live in FL or LV 8 yrs ago? Be aware that this is all in her head. Like a 4 yr old she wants what she wants. She does not realize what goes into moving her and trying to care for her this far away. Actually, she probably doesn't see herself as an old woman of 92. In her mind she maybe lots younger. It comes down to its not what she wants anymore but what she needs. You are the caregiver and the one this will effect, so you do what you need to do to make it easier for you. So, no asking what she wants, find a nice AL and move her in.
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bethny58 Jun 2021
I do have a POA and a dementia diagnosis for her. Thank you for giving me clarity! You are correct about everything!
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Given that she's 92 and has been living with you for almost a decade I wonder just how many friends she actually has left in LA or Florida, even those she might still be in touch with are not likely going to be the supportive social group they once were.
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bethny58 Jun 2021
Yes I agree! The friends paint a picture about their lives that is not accurate. I think to make my Mom envious! Thank you!
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ARE you her boss? What I am asking here is why after 8 years is she leaving your place? Do you think she is doing this to "get back" at you because you are asking her to move to care? Is she suffering from dementia severe enough that you are her POA and in essence you are her boss? Are we certain these friends of hers are still alive? How long will they be alive? Does she regularly communicate with these friends? What are her plans when they are not alive? Does she expect you to handle her affairs for her long distance? Will you be attempting to do so, or hiring a fiduciary in the area to do this? Logistically how will you do this because unless she is one strong 92 year old such a move is difficult.
If your Mom is completely rational enough, and able, then such a move is fine as long as she understands you will not be able to visit her nor to address her needs and it is unlikely these friends will be able, and knows that once this is done it is DONE for good, she will have to hire a fiduciary in the area to manage her care as you cannot do it long distance. If she is rational and in enough control of her mental capacities, then she can do this. Otherwise the answer is "No, we cannot possibly do this" and for the reasons above. End of discussion. IF you are her POA.. Only you can judge your Mom's dementia, and how "rational" her ability to make this decision and her understanding of the repercussions are.
Wishing you both good luck and the very best.
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bethny58 Jun 2021
Thank you for thinking this thru for me! Her friends are also in their 90's and still driving. Yikes! She has some idea in her head that things will be different for her if she was closer to them. I am her POA but she thinks that she can make all her own decisions and of course she cannot because of her dementia and frailty. It's so very hard. I appreciate your help!
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