My parents are currently living 60 miles away (mom is late 60s and healthy, dad is mid 70s and basically healthy, but overweight and doesn't move as fast as he used to). My mom drives up to our house and stays with us 2-3 nights a week to babysit my 1 year old while I work part-time, mostly from home. We do not have any other family nearby and so do not have childcare on the weekends or days when I'm not working. My husband and I are starting to try to get pregnant with a second child and are debating moving into a larger house so my parents can live with us for childcare purposes (this would be a 3000+ sq ft house and everyone would have their own bed and bathroom. We can afford the move so money is not an issue). My mom is already living with us basically half the time, does not enjoy the long drive, and is unhappy with their current living situation renting in a senior mobile home park, so she is on board with the move. We also get along quite well. My dad is more ambivalent about it because he has other family and friends near his current home. He is also quite loud and can get on my nerves when I visit for a long weekend. Basically, I'm concerned that if my parents continue to live far away, childcare will be difficult with 2 children. I'm also worried my mom won't be able to handle the long drive. On the other hand, if my parents move in with us, I'm afraid we could drive each other crazy and am also afraid of unexpected caregiver responsibilities should their health go downhill. My husband is easygoing and says he doesn't have any preference. If anyone has any experience with a similar situation, I'd love to hear about it. Thank you!
Everything was good until everyone got older. The kids didn't need a babysitter anymore and the parents wanted their house back. The grandparents
weren't needed anymore but are/were ever present or they have healthcare needs that need assistance or cannot afford to buy or rent even the smallest place due to high real estate prices. Now no one gets along and everyone points fingers at each others "selfishness". Really think this through because it will probably be for the next 30 years.
Thinking dad being in my house would be fine, he has his own car, etc..... disaster. There was a reason I moved out at 21 and got married. Now we had one and a half years of an empty nest, now we are full again, Having a daughter and drunk SIL move in on top of that was a nightmare.
Things change quickly, if your father annoys you on weekends it will be 1000% worse day to day. The great thing about sitters is they go home and give you space. Soon someone else will be calling the shots in your home.
It's good you gave this some thought. Wait until they are in need. Sounds like at some time soon you will be the sitter.
I will not be moving my parents in with me. My husband and I are going to help them get a nicer place near their current rental home so we have room to visit with the grandkids, but they also have their own space (something they, too, want). I will arrange for local childcare when it becomes necessary, likely as soon as we have 2 kids (COVID is a big part of why we haven't already looked into this).
Thank you all for your help with this! I am only in my 30s and obviously not very familiar with aging care issues. I really appreciate the feedback <3
Childcare is difficult to arrange and expensive, and you have my unlimited sympathy about that. But your mother can't afford to make you and your young family the heart and soul of her entire universe. The shoe will be on the other foot before long, and it will not be possible for you to reciprocate and provide her and your father with free care and/or unstinting support - willing or not, grateful or not, it won't be *possible.*
What are everybody's Plans B?
Think it over before you send you kid off to daycare.
If there's a reasonable option to move them closer, pursue that. It's their decision ultimately.
Best wishes.
You have said that mom doesn't like it. Sound like dad doesn't care. I would not help them move in any way. If either of them do not like the new living arrangements it will be your fault. This is solely their responsibility not yours on where they will live. Why did they choose this community to begin with?
Worried about the cost of child care when you have #2? Your children are only this young once with so many firsts. I would not hesitate to quit my job and concentrate on raising my children.
Good luck.
childcare for 34 years sure it's rough at times but very much doable. Plus I want to do things with friends & travel enjoying retirement & not be tied down because I must babysit. Parents are getting older they must think what's best for them & future, they will need care & sounds like that's not for you. Dont move them in for your benefit.
Way to go, forum!
Instead of all sharing the same space; what about buying a home with an in-law apartment. That way both families have their own space - or buy a place with enough room for their trailer or a small separate home on property.
As your children become less dependent on child-care and your parents age and start needing assistance then your parents would be close at hand to have their needs met by you and hubby.
If you end up hating your parents around all the time, how will you then ask them to leave?
The nanny can be fired and changed to your liking with no “bad vibes,” connected.
You consider moving them in with you to continue to benefit from the child care arrangement. Then turn around and say you are afraid of becoming 'unexpected' caregiver if their health fails. Failing health for seniors should never be on the list of 'unexpected' happenings. All in all, this would be a cozy arrangement for you as long as mom can take care of current kid and one in the planning stage IF dad could be a little more sedate in his ways. Dad is smart to want to stay where he is so he can continue to enjoy being around people who enjoy being around him. His personality and voice level is not going to change if he moves to your house. And, it doesn't sound like you are prepared for any benefit of care to be extended to mom if she can no longer be the babysitter.
I don't think this would be a win for the parents in any sense of the word. You move them both to get day care from mom, dad misses his friends and irritates you. Good health is promised to no one. Should one or both of them suddenly need care, it doesn't sound like you are going to step up to that plate. If you are only working PT and finances are not an issue, why not be a FT mom to current kid and the one being planned - then invite mom to come for real visits, not to work. And be able to go visit them for a few days at a time, too.
The only other plan I can think of IF both are interested: Get a property that has a separate living quarters for parents. Mom close by to help you out, if that is her desire. Dad can't irritate you. Don't charge them any rent or utilities or food. When the day comes they need caregiving service, let all of their own income be tossed toward the cost of home health. You're going to have to be willing to help them when they need help if you plan to depend on mom to help you now.
Maybe you should re-read your post to completely understand how my answer came to be what it is.
Child care aside it sounds like the perfect time and important now to plan for and set up the future for your parents needs. You don’t mention siblings or the other dynamics about where your parents are living other than to say your dad has family and friends around but your mother is less connected. Having close connections around is of course important, for both of them so it’s something to really consider but who the organizing and caregiving responsibilities or help is going to fall on is also important. So if that’s you and only you there will come a time when having them 60 miles away will present a bigger problem, especially with a young family. Perhaps either moving them to your area or at least closer so they are somewhere in the middle if other family will travel is a good thing to consider or if there is close family who will pick up some of the hands on needs maybe that changes things. If they move closer to you keep them in separate housing don’t move them in with you. First you don’t want to strain your relationship with Dad by forcing yourself to live with someone who you know wears on you and just as importantly it will be far less disruptive to your family life if they are in their own home as they need skilled help, best case they move now into a “retirement” situation that also offer assisted living and skilled nursing if and when the time comes, a step up situation if it’s doable. This could be either in your area or theirs depending on what is best for them and you. Tough with each of them having differing needs to make them happy right now but don’t avoid it. Oh of course also make sure legal ducks are in order POA/DPOA directives that sort of thing. Easier for them to adjust to a move now than later and for all if you become familiar with medical and financial matters now while they still have control and can share with you on their own rather than having to “take over” later.
good luck!