My parents are currently living 60 miles away (mom is late 60s and healthy, dad is mid 70s and basically healthy, but overweight and doesn't move as fast as he used to). My mom drives up to our house and stays with us 2-3 nights a week to babysit my 1 year old while I work part-time, mostly from home. We do not have any other family nearby and so do not have childcare on the weekends or days when I'm not working. My husband and I are starting to try to get pregnant with a second child and are debating moving into a larger house so my parents can live with us for childcare purposes (this would be a 3000+ sq ft house and everyone would have their own bed and bathroom. We can afford the move so money is not an issue). My mom is already living with us basically half the time, does not enjoy the long drive, and is unhappy with their current living situation renting in a senior mobile home park, so she is on board with the move. We also get along quite well. My dad is more ambivalent about it because he has other family and friends near his current home. He is also quite loud and can get on my nerves when I visit for a long weekend. Basically, I'm concerned that if my parents continue to live far away, childcare will be difficult with 2 children. I'm also worried my mom won't be able to handle the long drive. On the other hand, if my parents move in with us, I'm afraid we could drive each other crazy and am also afraid of unexpected caregiver responsibilities should their health go downhill. My husband is easygoing and says he doesn't have any preference. If anyone has any experience with a similar situation, I'd love to hear about it. Thank you!
Think about what your life will be like a few years down the road if you move your parents in with you.
A toddler, a baby, and two elderly people. Mind you old folks love babies and little kids. Especially their grands. It's a different story when they live with them though. Your parents will get tired of that situation fast. Then you will be dealing with two fussy, ornery elderly people along with a toddler and a baby.
I'd think long and hard on this one before you do anything, my friend.
Bonus points if single floor
Bottom line, It sounds like you are using your mom and dad as babysitters, your dad doesn’t want to move due to his connections. Your folks are my and my husbands age and I can’t even imagine living with my children. I would want my own space. Don’t do it is my opinion.
I used to live around 35 minutes away (50 minutes during rush hour), and we took turns driving the children there and back. When my oldest grandchild was ready for kindergarten I could see that this would no longer work. My husband and I bought a house in the same neighborhood that both my sons live in. We are within walking distance now.
I watch the grandchildren at my house. I have toys and baby/toddler furniture, and provide food, and like that I have control over those things (no sugary drinks or chips, none of the more obnoxious toys, and everything kept organized and clean to my satisfaction). My sons pay for me to have a house cleaning service and yard service.
It's a good solution because my husband and I have our time together and my sons have family time with their wives and children, but we are all available for each other.
I will add that it is a little trickier to provide care for my son's children than my friends who provide care for their daughter's children because I am dealing with two women who were raised with different ideas about household management and child-rearing. They are naturally diffident when dealing with their mother-in-law, but also have a strong desire to be in control of their children's well-being. We manage with good communication and mutual respect, and the reasoning that the children can learn to deal with different rules at Grandma's house if necessary.
Your parents are in good health now but that will change over time; are you prepared to be their caregivers because that is what you may become if they are living in your home.
It's great to have parents involved in your children's lives but you need to pay for your own child care. If your parents where not available for any reason now.... you would have to do as thousands of others do and find something else.
Let Mom and Dad figure out if they want to move closer to you and then help them search for appropriate living quarters outside of your home. Find daycare for your children (before you have the second one). Life is not static. It changes faster than you can imagine. Don't lock yourself or your parents into the "photo" as it is now because it is guaranteed to change.... sometimes drastically.. quickly.
Sones like you're mom would be OK to live with but, you already know your Dad is loud and you don't like being around him very long and living with him is a very long time.
Don't Do It Unless you have Private Quarters for your Dad! Everyone would be happier including Dad to have his own space, not just a Bedroom.
It could be a very nice arrangement, to have mom as a Live In Baby Sitter and awesome to have a trustworthy person to watch your children and for your children to have such a closeness growing up with their Grammy and Grand Pa.
BUT, for it to work. You must have Servant's Quarters/Guest House/ In Law's Quarters/Garage Apt/ Garage Conversion to Apt.
That said, this situation is not going to make anyone happy. Your father wants to stay where he is. Possibly he has no idea how much your mother puts up with to please him. It's time they lived where she wants to live. You need help with wee ones and she likely needs help with your father. With luck there is a compromise in there somewhere.
I came from a culture where family helps family no matter how far away everyone is. I moved from one state to another to take care of my Mother when she had Alzheimer's Disease. Growing up, we always had at least one grandparent in the house. First my maternal grandfather after my grandmother died - he had RP3 (Retinitis Pigmentos type 3) and couldn't live alone. then much later other grandparents.
But your parents are not unable to live alone, unless I've missed something, so this is a trickier situation. Especially if you and your father can't get along.
Once my husband passes, I plan to shop for 55+ communities and put plans in place for a move to one after my dad passes (when I should have enough to be able to get into one of those communities). I'm looking for one that has the whole package -- cottage or apartment to AL to NH if it comes to that. I don't want to stay in my current area as only one son will be here (if he can buy our house) and no grandchildren.
Even if one of my kids invited me to live with them, my answer will be no.
So, in terms of having your folks move in with you, I'd say a big nope.
Of course you want your parents involved with your children, but not as your unpaid employees.
The arrangement you propose would be unfair to everybody. Instead, you could help both your parents find their own home and get involved in something purposeful and interesting, independent of you. They are still young and deserve to live their own lives fully. You do realize they could have another twenty-plus years ahead of them, right?
1. Will your mom be able to handle two babies, then a baby and a toddler, then two toddlers?? and for how many hours a week? And for how many years? This needs to be spelled out in large print.
Since you work form home part-time, it sounds more manageable than a full-time job away from home.
2. You will be giving up the privacy of your own home. Do not underestimate how important that is. I am a caregiver with lots of help and really miss having the place to myself. Your Dad will not stay in his room 24/7.
3. When will your parents move out? Also needs to be in large print. When the kids are in high school? College? This "end date" might run right into your parents needing your help as in elder care, and THAT is a commitment with no end date. Read through this site to see how much fun elder care is not.
Could your parents move near you but not in the same house? Rent an apartment? That would give everyone some help but still privacy and independence.
Just a thought.
I think that is a wise decision.
If your parents want to live closer to you, it should be in a separate house or apartment. Do not "move them in for childcare. "
I get the difficulty in finding good affordable child care, I have family facing the same challenges right now. IF the parents are willing to uproot their lives to move closer IMO a shared multi-generational household is the least desirable way to accomplish that, much better that they have their own separate home. And it's not a grandparent's responsibility to provide free childcare, even if they lived next door.
Find Assisted or Independent living near you if they want to move. Then the drive will not be so hard on your mom.
Look for childcare close to you either daily or 2 or 3 days a week. Do not depend on your mom for childcare.
If mom wants to watch your child great, but I bet watching more than 1 will be difficult (it wears me out watching more than 1 and they are old enough to pretty much take care of themselves).
If you truly want to do this I advise an in-law apartment attached so that your parents have their own space as will you and your family. And I would make the in-law unit handicap accessible. Your parents are not going to stay in their mid 60’s - 70’s and healthy forever.
It rarely works out 2 households living together.
OMG...THIS COULDN'T BE A WORSE IDEA ON SO MANY LEVELS! :-0
In my opinion, childcare is not a good reason to move your parents in. In fact, considering all the things we went through with my in-laws, both good and bad, having 5-miles worth of privacy was essential. My mother-in-law got very ill, my father-in-law fell apart, but because they were in a senior residence, we knew their basic needs were all taken care of. And they were around people their own age.
It sounds like you can afford to not work. Once baby #2 comes along, I think it would be much harder on your mom to watch two children one of whom is a toddler and one an infant. You can take the kids to visit your parents.
And while your husband may be easygoing, things can change quickly if he gets roommates and things don't work out the way he would like. And your dad already drives you nuts. He's not going to change. And he may resent having to leave his friends and family. Do you really want your parents becoming dependent on you and your husband for their social lives?
Why are you relying on your mom for childcare?
If your mom wanted a more "spendy" lifestyle, she could easily get employed by a childcare center or school.
This whole arrangement smacks of codeoendence to me
My own grandma moved in when I was 11, and although we didn’t get along when I was younger, we grew a strong bond once I got older. I matured, and she mellowed.
We built a granny apartment onto our existing house, and I would HIGHLY recommend you to look for (or build) something similar. Even if you get along great, trust me, everyone needs their own space. My grandma enjoyed entertaining and having her own friends over, and if we were all confined to the same living room, I imagine we would’ve felt squished.
Try to avoid basement apartments for them, as their knees won’t hold out indefinitely, and you want something that won’t require another move in the future.
I cherish the time I had with my grandma (especially the later years once we both “got” each other. I think growing up in a multi-generation home truly teaches the young the value of looking after family and creates a powerful bond.
If you can afford a 3000 sq ft house you can afford to pay someone to care for your kids. I hope you pay Mom something. It costs her gas to drive there and her time. I charged my daughter. 5 years later it got us a nice trip to Universal as a family.
We don't pay my mom- we have offered multiple times, but she refuses to accept it. We have helped my parents out financially in other ways though, including several out of state vacations. I would rather quit my job than pay for childcare because childcare in my area costs more than I make.