I've taken care of my folks since I was 9, I'm 45 and finally engaged but can't bear to stop caring for them. They are both near the point of needing a NH and I'm so torn over putting them in. I fly every two weeks from Denver to Detroit to spend two weeks caring for them. Caregivers are draining me ($1500 a week). I feel like I'm giving up on them by thinking about a NH but they need constant care. When I'm with them, I get no sleep, just constantly up n down. I want my life and don't want to end another (this is #13!!!) relationship b/c of my parents. 7 siblings all have their lives, I'm the one taking care of both of them now. I guess I'm looking for support and permission. Is it so wrong that I want a life with someone. It's too late for me to have kids but not to get married. Thanks to whoever writes back. There's more of course but can't be longwinded on here. lol.
your parents is used to be without you every 2 weeks . im sure they ll do just fine with out u during the whole months ahead .
you can find a good place for them maybe move them near your home so u can go ck on them every so often and have a new life with a husband and start a family of ur own .
good luck and god bless
I believe what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I have only been caring for my mother for a year now and can honestly say there are days when I think & say, "I cannot put myself, my children, and my husband aside just to care for her. With that said, & realizing that fact, I am able to balance things better. Is there any reason why your parents cannot move closer to you? I moved my mother from OH to VA. In OH she had many family members who could have helped out, but didn't. I am the only one here, so it was a juggle for me at first. My mother was recently in a nh for a week after having surgery (she has cancer), and it was difficult for me to see her in there. Have you checked out an assisted living facilities? They seem to be a much better option than a nursing home. My mother cannot afford assisted living though. I have also noticed that my mother can do and will do much more for herself when I am not around. Sounds as though your parents are doing the same to you. You're very caring & kind and have done the best you can for your parents, but you must take care of yourself too. Good luck to you.
My guess is that you are probably the youngest of your siblings and what you mean by caring for your parents at age 9 is that you became one or both of your parent's emotional support almost like a little adult. If that is true, then I can understand that because this is sort of like what took place between my single parent mother and me as her only child. It is an emotional/psychological enmeshment that makes it very hard for us to get own with our own life.
I didn't get married until I was 31 and my wife was 34. We both had mom issues that we have had to be in therapy to overcome. The fact that this relationship is the 13th one at age 45 suggests to me very good evidence that some professional counseling would do you and your current relationship a lot of good.
You are quite normal for wanting your own life and left me be bold enough to say that unless you cut this emotional enmeshment with your parents that your future husband is not going to feel that he is fully married to just you. I would bet the 12 previous relationships ended because they didn't feel that you were fully in the present with them and that part of you was somewhere off with your parents. White it is too late to have children, you could adopt a child.
It's high time that your parent's took some responsibility for their own care either through the finances that they have, long term health insurance if they have any or see if they qualify for Medicaid if they have nothing at all. It's not your responsibility for you to pay for their caregivers particularly is they have the money. How can you have a life much less hold down a good job with flying back and forth every two weeks? Flying is expensive and that much flying is not good economics although it does help the economy.
It's all so high time your siblings stopped being so slack because of your over functioning and help with this whole situation. Who has durable POA? Who ha medical POA? What is the doctor's evaluation of each parent's health and where they should live? Have your mom and dad written up their wills and does someone know where they are? Do either of your parents have a living will? Have your and your 7 siblings talked about all of this as a family?
Frankly, you are letting yourself get used by both your parents and by your siblings at the expense of you having a life with the collateral damage of 12 broken relationships over all these years and ate age 45 your almost totally alone at the very time that your aging parents will eventually be gone and then what will you have? I've seen people do this for the sake of something their parents parents promised them, but they are some of the most bitter and angry people that I've ever met.
I have three deadbeat sisters, and I do not allow them the luxury of "they are busy with their own lives" BS. I had my own life, twenty years of strong community ties and income, and let go of that "busy" to care for my mother. They can darn well start now and UNbusy their current lives to BUSY themselves with THEIR parents. They can immediately just drop what they are doing and come help. Pretend it was the Katrina hurricane. I know, fat chance. so you have character and they don't. They will let your parents go down the drain to be cared for by someone else, the state, some nursing home.
So now you are trying to stop yourself from feeling hurt because you'll be abandoning (relatively) your parents after all these years. There are a lot of posts here like yours, with the underlying theme of "how can I stop this from hurting?" Hurting them and hurting you.
When I went to ER with my mother thinking this would be a short hop to the nursing home for her (it wasn't, miraculously)...and they were doing invasive procedures that had my mother screaming in agony...I threw such wailing fits in the ER that the halls filled with security guards, a bouncer, and somber nurses and doctors droning "just let them do their jobs." I screamed such great lines as "WHERE IS THE MERCY? I want my mother to go to the MERCY hospital !!!"
When I thought I couldn't take care of Mom any more, with her agonizing urine retention problem, I threw myself wailing on the sofa and hit the cushions with "I just can't handle your problem any more. I'm so sorry. I can't I can't." I think this impressed my mother that she was worth more than a serious discussion about "how things are now." In cases like this, "understanding is the booby prize."
Those of us who came at this age 55+ have had our "best" years already, but you've not had any good years yet. Recently, I reached the state of internally knowing when I will give up and put mom in a nursing home: when I cannot MEDICALLY handle her day to day. And by that I realized it could be something as minor as sinus congestion/post nasal drip. Her physical discomfort and confusion turned her into a person I could no longer control, actually she became insane.
Best compromise is to probably move them closer to you so you can still be part of their lives. If you are spending all this money, obviously they are indigent themselves, so get them qualified for Medicaid.
Cut the blasted umbilical cord around your neck, find a way that they can be cared for and safe without such a drain on your personal finances as well as evidently 12 previous fiances, and get on with your life before you die in the emotional womb that will become your psychological, physiological, relational, social, financial tomb!
If your sibs won't do anything, then do as Crowemagnum says and make sure your parents are safe and then do what you need to. If you don't, several years from now I think you will wish you had.
DulcifromDenver has sacrificed way too much to her own detriment beyond a reasonable call of duty or responsibility and over the top of any sound definition of selflessness or denying oneself.
I never said she should just cut loose and live soley for herself, but that she should get and deserves freedom from the crushing burden of responsibility that she treads beneath by making sure her parents are safe and cared for but then move on with her life so that the current fiance does not become the 13th example of collateral damage.
Some days are diamonds, some days are stones. (heck, some SECONDS are diamonds, some are stones on many days). I'm new in the caregiving game, and I'm not the primary (Dad is, while I'm at work), but so far, there is nowhere I would rather be than caring for Mom. When my aunt used to say that about being with Grandma, I didn't fully understand. I helped care for her because I loved her and knew I should, but NOW I understand that my aunt chose to be with her mother for herself as well as for Grandma. That's where I'm at. (But it still sucks sometimes, of course. Mostly it sucks when Mom realizes that her mind has slipped far away nearly all of the time.) OK, 'nuff rambling.
DulcifromDenver, you DO have to live your life, and somehow you have to figure out exactly what that looks like and do the best you can to pursue it. Much easier said than done. The advice from others to get your parents closer to you makes sense to me as a start. Good luck. Thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Anyway, the rooms. They were very very small, tiny bunks, and the cruise director lectured us saying, "believe me, 'they grow on you.' "
And do they did. It was amazing how quickly we forgot about our real lives and made alliances and friendships on board. It wasn't until we hit the entrance to the Panama Canal at 2 am, amidst foggy lights, roaring diesel engines that set off the screaming monkeys that we remembered home at all. Most of us stayed up all night in our bathrobes, drinking great booze we'd scored for next to nothing at Virgin Islands...anxiously awaiting mail call on the other side of the locks in the morning.
Nice memory. I recall that every time Mom is in the hospital or recuperating in the nursing home. She quickly makes IT her home, with staff as the leading characters. Of course, she knew she'd return. Eventually, though it took over a year, I accepted that Mom's home was now my home, and all the whining and pityparties in the world wasn't going to magically send me back to my REAL home on Orcas Island. I still consider that my home after being here 8 years, and now condensing a 3 bedroom living space to the confines of the living room. That's where we both live now, cept for kitchen stuff.
It is going to be very difficult to put them away. I took care of an uncle who didn't even know me, for three years, making sure he was taken care of in the local nursing home and he still got injured and died. My dad was in the local home after his stroke, the first night he thought he could walk, they weren't watching and he ended up with a fractured shoulder, four nights later, he had bruises all over his body from another fall. Nursing homes are dangerous and that worries me.
Yes I want my fiance, I know he is being patient. I think I am too with him for other reasons. He missed the end of his dad's life except the last five days. His mother died when he was just 10 months old. He knows what living without parents is like.
My parents are very loving people to me and always have been. It's so hard now that my dad sometimes rarely knows me. I was his best and only friend for years and now he hardly talks to me. He talks to the caregivers but not me. It is getting closer and closer to the time. I do deserve to have a life and happiness. I never wanted kids. I've had kids since I was 9.
I do thank you all for your comments to a newbie to this site. :)
Dulci
You are an angel.
You are not, "putting them away." This is a natural progression in their lives and also in yours. They are very ill and need 24 hour care. You have no choice but to place them where they can get that type of care. Because of their degeneration, you are going to benefit. This may seem a little callous, but after all these years of dedication and follow through, don't you deserve for some of that weight to come off of your shoulders. I don't see you just giving up on them after you place them. You will still be all over their care, making phone calls and flying out often to see them. I bet you have a list of the doctors on call at the home as well as the names of all floor nurses so that you will be able to contact them directly.
I very much understand your reservations regarding nursing homes. Prior to bringing our Mom home she was dropped twice. She is heavy and has to be moved around on a lift. One time they left her in the hall and another patient bumped into Mom and somehow Mom wound up on the floor. Slipped out of her wheel chair. Our elderly do not get quality care in the normal nursing homes. Is it at all possible to place them into a "better" home? Perhaps your siblings would be willing to help with the costs?
I know that when my grandmother had to go into a home the state would not help her until all of her funds were spent. I am guessing that this is the case with your parents. Which would null and void my suggestion in the above paragraph.
If this man loves you, then he knows you. That means that he is very aware of your dedication to your parents. Most likely this is something he admires and respects. If you get the slightest inkling that he does not, he is not the man for you! As your parents continue in their life path, you will gain more time in your life. This man should be patient, you are well worth the wait. You are only 45, still young but old enough to know better!
Don't be afraid to allow the chapter of your life with your parents to wind down and eventually to end. You have many chapters yet to write.
You are a high quality person, you deserve a high quality mate. The other 12 simply could not keep up with your shine. You are a doer, an achiever, a very accomplished woman. That's hard for most men to deal with, but that's not your fault. It's theirs.
I have no doubt that you will find your way through this.
Pattie
Activities of Daily Living mean: Self feeding, self bathing, going potty alone and some form of ambulation (even if wheelchair bound). Can they do any of these things/
You deserve a life and a love.
You are a wonderful daughter and you have sacrificed much, but your parents need more care now than you are able to provide.
Investigate the NHs nearer to you at a lower elevation where your parents can breath easy. The time you spend researching now will benifit you and your parents. Try to stay away from the stock yards. lol
Don't be afraid to take the step. It's now or later and it sounds like now is the time.
N1K2R3
p.s. It'll all be over someday./
Last November my aunt (80) got a flu and since then she has had a huge aray of health issues: high blood pressure with to hypertensive crisis, one mini stroke, diabetis. I have had to stay to take care of her as my mother was not capable of doing it -- she is 70. This month my aunt has los her mobility and now she is bed stricken -- she has been refusing to eat etc. etc.... Because of security considerations in country X where I am now, we cannot hire a help -- it is not safe to let someone into the house with two elderly ladies only. So I and my brother have to take yearly turns to care for them.
My husband is in NJ, doing well jobwise -- he is refusing to come and stay with me while I am with my parents. He is not sending any money to support me since I cannot go to work now. I have to do it out of my savings. What he says boils down to this: I will wait for as long as necessary untill you come back ...? He lives in the house I own -- and does not pay any rent, so there are somethings financially that I am doing for him with no reciprocity. We both come from the same country of origin, and he got his US papers through my sponsorship... I am heartbroken... knowing that I cannot abandon my elderly parents in a country where they have no other relative living, he just doesnot care ... that he cares in words, but not deeds. I start wondering if we are in fact housband and wife, and if I should consider this marriage any longer ... He has a choice and I do not... and his choice is his life without me when I so overwhelmed here alone, in a country I hardly recognize...
The way out of the F.O.G. is most often some hard work via therapy.
It is still easier in the court system today to bring up a dad for child abuse than it is a mother. Frankly, some single parent mothers or moms in bad marriages should be charged and found guilty of emotional incest of the opposite sex child which happens more than we want to admit with collateral damage that stays with that person for years and they often don't even realize they are a victim.
Verbal abuse is much harder to spot and try right when it is going on. Far too often these are either narcissistic or borderline mothers who can wear the most wonderful masks around people they don't know but be the wicked witch of the west with their own children and spouse. I'm not sure how true this is but a lawyer once told me that a higher percentage of single parent moms murder their children than single parent dads. I think we need to stop operating from outdated and unreal stereotypes and start evaluating things as they are from the realization that anyone is capable of almost anything and let the facts speak for themselves.
My fiance yes he does have a job and he does come out when he can take a day off work. I don't have a lot of money. I do have caregivers in 24 hours a day when I'm not here but it's $240 a day, $1500 a week. My parents income is $4500 a month. Hmm how long will that last? Plus $1000 rent and $1000 utilities/cable/diapers/food.
My dad is 88, mom is 86. Dad had a stroke, has arthritis that is in his spine so he is bent over now all the time, and had only 30% function in his kidneys. He is in a wheelchair bc if he walks, he can break his bones just by walking. Mom has been partially paralyzed since her brain tumor in 1974. She can barely walk. both of them have dementia, use diapers because they are both incontinent with both bladder and bowels, and on good days they remember my name.
I miss my parents. My dad was and actually still is extremely funny. Except now he wants all the caregivers, well, just the pretty ones, to sit on his lap constantly. Mom just screams and tells him to shutup. Life is one big party.
They both are funny and can be fun but my dad is sinking fast. Ever since his dog ran away three years ago he's faded. We still go looking for that darn dog almost every night. He can't remember what we had for lunch but he remembers that dog.
No they can't move to Denver. Tried it several times, never worked because they cannot breathe out there without added oxygen. They need full time nursing care but because of the way Medicaid works, thanks to my generous uncle who after he died my mom got a bunch of money but gave $5000 to each of her eight kids, we are in a penalty phase because she gave away the only inheritance any of us would ever get. They have nothing after working 80 years for what they had. and they can't even give their children a dime without having to account for it.
Oh yeah, and did I mention I pay the caregivers but I receive nothing? If they had to pay me for my billable time working for them, I don't even want to think about it.
Thanks again for all your kind and some not so kind comments. I do appreciate them. We are all under a lot of stress and yep someday it will be over.
Until then, I am planning on getting married 10/10/10 and by golly I'm gonna do it. lol.
I'm glad to hear of your marriage plans and your determination to follow through with it.
Am I understanding you correctly that you are paying the help out of your own pocket every month? That, plus flying back and forth each month sure explains not having a lot of money left over, but you are able to do all of this because of being the owner of a successful business which allows you to work anytime from anywhere. That's nice. It is very sad to read that at their old age that your parents are having to pay rent.
To me,$5,000 per 8 children is pocket change and does not really make each of you rich. I assume that your mother was on social security disability before starting to draw social security retirement which I can't imagine is very much. I guess the rest of their income comes from his pension plus social security income. I would not think that having to rent one's housing for one's entire life means that they have hardly any financial means that would prohibit them from getting Medicaid even with them giving each of you $5,000 from an inheritance. Also, I would think that with their medical expenses that their net income would be very low and not taxable. .I don't know a lot about medicaid, but it would help a lot if they qualified. From the detailed description above, each of your parents are long overdue being in need of a nursing home and there are good nursing homes out there.
I wish your siblings were willing to get involved in this, but they are voting their opinion of what needs to be done with their feet by choosing not to help out. They must not care or have any respect for their mom and dad at all, but you are the only one. I hope you don't mind my intrusive questions, but I just trying to understand the various aspects of this mess. I'm also wondering about your being gone two weeks out of every month and its possible impact on your marriage because practically speaking it will mean living two weeks out of every month as if you were still single and to me that does not sound good.