Need your help again, friends. If you read my babbling, you now that this year has already been a nightmare for us. Hubby was rushed to the ER on January 4th with what I firmly believe was Coronavirus. He’s been in hospital/rehab since then and will be coming home tomorrow.
I work 5 hours a day, 5 days a week at a small daycare. These ladies have become like family to me. I make next to nothing and until I sit down to figure out our financial in-come and out-go, I’m not even sure how much difference this small paycheck even makes. It’s more of an “escape” for me—a break from caring for my husband.
He wants me to quit my job. I am currently laid off due to the pandemic and the director says she believes daycares will not open up much before mid-summer. So, I’ll be without a paycheck for approximately 4-5 months anyway. Hubby says I’m “too old” (I’m 66) to work any longer. And when I come home exhausted, I know it does impact my caregiving.
However, although he is not super-demanding, he is bedridden and I do everything for him but feed him. He also has me under a microscope. He questions my every move and makes suggestions as to something else I should be doing. He thinks I need to be doing housework from sunup to sundown.
I am completely on the fence. Hubby is still not well and could very well wind up back in a facility. Do I want to give up this job and face being alone for the rest of my life?
Also, should you find that you need another job, you may have a lot of difficulty at 66 finding a new position. The best way to FIND a new job is to already HAVE a job; it means that you are "employable" to potential employer.
DON’T LEAVE YOUR JOB. Again,
DON’T LEAVE YOUR JOB!!!
It’s not about the money.
Do Not Leave Your Job.
Take care.
1 - Does your hubby need somebody to care for him 24/7? Is his condition such that you can not leave him for extended periods of time? I usually ask myself, can this person get to and from the toilet, feed self, and get out of home if there was a fire?
2 - What do you need to stay healthy: physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially? If your job is not really needed financially, does it provide for your other needs? Are there other means of meeting your needs that allow you to stay home with your husband?
3 - Financially, what does your family need to "make it"? Consider income and usual expenses. Also consider any "gap" payments you will need to make - the amount of financial obligations you need to cover for medications, doctor appointments and hospital stays. Unfortunately, the "gap" usually becomes more as we age.
4 - You also mention not "being alone". During COVID-19 pandemic everybody is experiencing some amount of social isolation. Now is a good time to find new ways to make friends and interact with others online.... and look forward to meeting again in person.
The timing is actually good. Your husband needs a lot of care right now, coming home from rehab, and you are there to help.
When things get back to a new normal, make arrangements for his care during the day and go back to your job.
was your husband a Veteran? Look into Aid & Attendance to help fund home care or even a daycare situation.
Was your husband always this controlling? You need to get out from other his prying eyes and his attempts to control your day and your life. If it's only to take a walk or drive, take time for yourself away from your husband. Good luck.
For the record, I don’t think you are too old to work. Look at the stats on seniors working. Lots do. My husband’s grandfather was married to a miserable woman.
He felt like being at home with her all day would kill him. He worked until he couldn’t anymore. He didn’t retire until his 80’s.
He would hop onto the streetcar with his newspaper and head downtown to his office.
Also, look at the elders who volunteer in hospitals, museums, etc. Plenty of seniors have part time jobs like you do.
I really do feel like this job is more than a paycheck for you. It is filling a need in your life. It is serving a purpose. You are appreciated and needed. You would be missed if you left.
Plus, it sounds like the teachers at your school have a strong bond that has a ‘family’ atmosphere.
Treasure that sense of community. Don’t throw that away. You are blessed to have that. They are blessed to have you. You are benefiting from each other.
You’re not dead yet! You have plenty of years left. It’s going to take a toll on you if you aren’t working. At the very least, accept a volunteer position.
Do NOT quit your job. You deserve happiness.
Tell him if he doesn't lay off, you will have him in a facility.
Besides, taking care of him with all his physical needs will kill you before it does him.
It sounds like you have bent over backwards to please him.
Please, please take care of yourself and do what pleases you. He will just have to learn to live with it. It's YOUR turn!
”I’m not looking for input on that right now, but thank you.”
Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.
I do not think this job is about the paycheck, it’s about your peace of mind and your break/escape from caring for your husband. He wants you to quit. What do you want? I think only you, your mind, your body, and your goals can determine if you're too old. But come on, 66? I see people way beyond that age bracket with much energy.
What do you mean when you say it impact’s your caregiving? Who says? I tell you as women we can guilt ourselves right into feeling like we're not doing enough. Then we have others telling us we're not doing enough and then we get into agreement.
But honestly, I think you already have your answer when you said, “you don’t want to give up your other family” and most importantly you need that, “break/escape from caring for your husband.”
Finally re-read what you wrote in the brackets. This is a hard life in itself. I know. I have a similar marriage. It only improved some once we separated and almost divorced behind control issues. You and I need that balance and I pray you find it and keep it. Read my post from long ago.
[He also has me under a microscope. He questions my every move and makes suggestions as to something else I should be doing. He thinks I need to be doing housework from sunup to sundown.]
Hugs Ahmijoy.
I am 66 and quit my job end of December before all of everything today was going on, and wanted to stay home helping my mom (95 y.o.) who lives with me, and now I kind of miss working, BUT with all the COVID going on, I am staying home to prevent mom or me from getting it.
BUT, after reading your letter, I would say NO, do not quit when you have the ability to go back. My mom is very healthy and "young", and needs very little assistance, AND we are finally getting along better!
But for you, your situation is totally different and I agree you need that outlet !!! You must think of yourself and your mental health and happiness. I've often that about all the caregivers out there who do so much more than I am doing and feel very fortunate. If/when my mom would become bed bound, I honestly don't know if I could continue. But with this coronavirus, wow, I just hope the day she needs one is a long time from now.
Good luck to you and stay well and HAPPY, think of yourself!!!
But I would not let go of your outlet at all, for I have learned through my caregiving classes I have taken that you need that. You need to do whatever it is that makes you happy and gives you some enjoyment, maybe you could do movie nights with the girls there as well. You need to talk with other people other than your husband.
You will need an escape once in a while without getting the third degree on your wearabouts.
That will just add to your stress. No need to put yourself through that
GOD BLESS!
Yours is still a tough decision to make, especially if you can afford to put the money issues aside. Do you have funds to hire someone to help? Even someone once a week to clean? I'd do what is best for YOU. Money issues aside. Do you want to work even more part-time? Is that workable? Exhaustion shouldn't be in the picture, or you should try for it not to be...either from the job or caregiving. But if you get anything good out of the job, which you elaborated on, I'd keep it. Hubby will need to adjust. These next months will give you time to broach the new plan and to check out some private hire resources if only just for cleaning. And, if you decide to quit, hopefully you have made connections and can keep in touch even now with your coworker friends. Good luck!
contact your Division for Senior Services in your County and see if there are any free or affordable services your husband maybe entitled to that could help him while you are at work.
Was he a Vet? Try calling the VA to see what they can assist with.
PS. I worked until I was 69 and then had to help out two sick parents. Just got a call from my former employer, wanted to rehire me as a contractor, again, for the 5th round. Decided that even for $ 100 an hour, I was done with that. I want some retirement years to myself. But for some seniors, outside work is life.