Few years ago I repeated what the doctor said about mom. She had dementia. She flatly refused to believe and then gave her evidence why she does not have it--she is retired nurse.
Several years later, mom is mad at her doctor for revoking her drivers license. She believes the doctor did this because of her age (87yrs). Should I try to change my mom's mind? Mom is having issues living alone, but she firmly believes she is doing great, and does not want my help.
Now, your focus needs to be on keeping her happy (but not at the expense of yourself), and and playing along.
Mom: “I don’t know why they took away my driver’s license! That doctor is crazy!”
You: “Doctors sure can be crazy. People too. Weird, huh?”
Noncommital. Agreeing with her, but not committing yourself to do anything. And then just defer to tomorrow. You’ll call the doctor tomorrow. You’ll see about it tomorrow. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow.
It is a song and dance you’ll learn well.
Might as well take the oppurtunity to fill in the blanks with some personal beliefs, faith, ideologies, (oddities in my case)
My mom has pre-dementia, lately hospital delerium it would seem. Her and I have always been unusual, my dad too actually. Unusually honest, to the point where 'normal' people would quietly and nervously move to a different part of the room, ha.
And I see and hear the hospital healthcare staff lie to her. Hey I don't blame them, she is a plateful!
But I just tell her the truth, at least one time, once a day I suppose.
"That's great mom, but this has nothing to do with integrals, ok? Integrals are an abstraction, you cannot touch them, right? The hospital, home, me, we are real life. I'll be here if you get bored in math land, ok?"
"No mom you're hiding in your dreams again."
"OK, you sound like the poster woman for alzheimer's right now mom. nobody is trying to steal your $25, ok" -I say with a smile.
If she repeats it, then of course i just nod along.
The way I see it, it takes -extra- effort to lie to someone. Yes, it does annoy me to hear her say nonsensical delusional crap. But she is family, so i'm not going to put on a happy face about it. Ill tell her, just once so she knows what I think, that she is being annoying. I definitely stop myself before it turns into verbal assaulting though(that's an important line to not cross).
Actually, it really makes looking after her a lot easier, on me. I'm pretty sure it's not my imagination, but it seems to help her snap back into sane and rational mom, the oddball math professoer, that never made a mistake, at random times.
She'll start mocking herself, with the meta-awareness of her condition.
"Well, not that anyone cares what I have to say, cause I'm a senile cranky old &%(&^(" and she explodes laughing.
It is pretty funny actually. Dark sure, but funny too.
Sadly meta-awareness is associated with early/light dementia. So your mother may not get around to facing the truth. But hey, I dont have a fancy degree or anything, but if I have it in me to just remind her once in a while of the bare real truth, it probably helps slow down her cognitive decline. Distinguishing old age vs. primitive denial/delusional defensive ideation is probably best left for the experts, so who knows?
Do what you believe is right. There is a -good- chance it is something entirely different than what I do!
You don't have to be normal, especially when you are in the company of such a forgiving memory, just my $0.02.
Best wishes!
>Tell her her reflexes are wanting, her vision isn't up to snuff (peripheral vision decreases as we age, like it or not), or something else related to her age since that's what she already thinks
I don't see why people feel the need to convince someone that they have dementia. It's a terrifying diagnosis, and you're literally telling someone they're losing their mind. Would you want to be told that, especially repeatedly? I sure wouldn't.
If you have no POA or guardianship and cannot get your mother to go for diagnosis and staging it may be time to contact Adult Protective Services so that Mom can be taken, by Ambulance if necessary for her diagnosis, and to assess with OT and PT whether she is safe on her own. I think you should be prepared that she may not be and that you will need to take over as her guardian, or she may need to be a ward of the state, and have placement handled by their appointed fiduciary.
You can sit and quietly explain to your Mom the steps that will have to be taken if she cannot cooperate in assessment; however, from what you say this may not make a difference.