To make it short, my sisters and I believe our mother (who is 72) has a version of some type of factitious disorder. Not only does she exaggerate/make up illnesses, but she does it with "being old" as well. Medically speaking, there really isn't much wrong with her. She has literally been tested up one end and down the other over the past couple years. She has also become anorexic again. I say it that way because she did this sort of thing years ago under stressful circumstances. I believe this latest bout is because of my parents moving from PA to FL after 30+ years in the same house. She is also depressed. Unfortunately, my father doesn't seem to want to understand what she's doing and wants second opinions instead. I am not permitted any say in this matter, and neither are my sisters. I have wanted to give her doctor this information just so he is aware of this. However, I wasn't sure if I should. It makes me angry hearing her lie to her doctor on the phone. Has anyone else had this issue?
Fortunately my mom is ok with me being in on doctor appointments to be able to adequately describe what is going on. We now know she has vascular dementia but for the most part is pretty 'there' most of the time.
So you can imagine how it went when she started answering questions.
"I feel great!" After she had injured herself from a fall.
"No I'm eating well," when she refused all food from me.
"Yes I'm up and walking." Bedridden as all get out.
"Oh I have someone here all the time. Day and night." Hadn't hired a caregiver yet.
I finally snapped and said "None of what she is telling you is true," and I got that "shushing" motion from her as if I were 5 years old. I laid out every lie she told.
What did the doctor say?
"Yes Maddy, I can tell." Mom was madder than a wet hen. I literally looked at her and said, "You can get as mad as you want," and shrugged my shoulders at her.
It hasn't forced her into anything such as going back to skilled nursing, nor has it had her admitted back into the hospital because her stories weren't adding up, but it gave her pause when she was "tattled on." She was/is doing it because I overheard her say, "I'm going to say anything I need to to keep from going back to the skilled nursing place." It was a lovely place that took good care of her, but didn't fawn all over her or jump at a finger snap with her requests, so naturally it was a prison.
I told her if she keeps lying, the truth will out her, and I'm trying to keep that from happening in the most disastrous way. If, of course, that's possible.
OK. I was not asking him to talk to me as he had no permission to do so. I was attempting to inform HIM of a behavioural change in his mental health patient before something happened that would be hard to undo. Patient wasn't doing anything that would make him a 5150 if I called the cops. Taking him to the ER wouldn't have gotten me anything either. It was ME who noticed the change and I felt it was significant to let SOMEONE know rather than do nothing. I would assume that a mental health professional has a protocol for something like this, but apparently they don't (or at least this guy didn't).
On top of giving me attitude about reaching out, he then CALLED the patient and informed him that I was trying to step in and advised patient of what I'd said. So, next call I got was from patient berating me for "interfering" with his doctor relationship. About a week later, patient told me he "finally got it all straightened out" regarding what I'd disclosed to the doctor. Translation of that is that patient lied over and above the TRUTH that I'd told so that he can continue to manipulate doctor. I was angry and a little disturbed by this whole thing, but I stand behind what I did.
I say give the doctor any info you feel he/she needs. Just be sure enough about what you're doing and know that it all could blow up as it did for me.
Good news in my situation was that the odd behaviour DID stop. Interesting.
Finally, her PCP retired and she has not been able to find another Dr so easily swayed.
I personally never had ANY problem with the ER docs asking me to talk to them out in the hall about her antics, and I KNOW I wasn't on her HIIPPA form.
I don't think that a lot of docs really look at that and 'obey'. I take a friend in to the local VA sometimes and she WANTS me to come in with her. Obviously I am not on HER list of people who can have access to her care--so, IDK, it's sort of a personal thing for the Drs. Patients don't tell the real truth in a lot of instances, esp with regards to things like falls.
I took my FIL to the dermatologist the day after he got out of the hospital after a 2 week stay. Doc asks if he's been hospitalized recently and dad says "No". Doc says "You were here in the hospital YESTERDAY" and dad replies, well that was YESTERDAY, I'm not in NOW." Again, I wasn't on dad's HIPPA form, but the doc still addressed all info to me.
I was plunged into a deep depression when we did our first move, because we moved from California to Colorado where the natives make good and sure you know how much they hate Californians. I didn't think the culture would be that different, but boy, was I wrong. I ended up in therapy and eventually was pretty content there.
We were there 13 years before being sent back to California, and now I live in a neighborhood where no one knows each other.
Trust me, it's really really hard. Don't discount your mother's ailments. I guarantee you she's depressed, and the anorexia is her trying to be in control of SOMETHING in her life. She needs therapy and possibly medications, but to say she's lying is cold-hearted.
Help your dad get her to the correct doctors. Write her current doctor a note telling him that she's recently moved, is possibly depressed and feeling out of control. Leave out the "lying" part, because that's dismissive of what are very real issues to her. The doctor can't reply to you because of HIIPA rules, but at least he'll be up to speed on what might be behind her symptoms.
I would discuss this with Mom, but especially the depression component. I would suggest she herself seek the help of her MD and that she discuss possible needs for therapy or to try a mild anti-depressant to see if it might help her.
After that, try not to pick up her luggage. By that I mean, such patients often tak long and long with friends and family when they are in this space. The friends listen and say something to the effect "Oh, Irma. I am so sorry. Have you tried this concoction or that. Did you tell your doctor? I hope you feel better" whereas family picks all that baggage up and hauls it, feeling responsible to "fix it all".
When your Mom is elderly, and you are her POA, you will have access to her MD and you can inform the MD that your Mom has a bit of a history of this. However, for now she is ONLY 72; in our times young (I say this relatively, of course, as I myself am 80). And I can tell you that, at 80, I would be very resentful of any daughter of mine that went to my doctors without telling me. So just my opinion for you to weigh, and I wish you the very best no matter what decision you feel you must make for yourself.
I have dealt with this sort of problem with my mother since I was a little kid.
I don't know if you've ever seen an episode of the 1970's sitcom 'Sanford and Son' where the father Fred Sanford would start grabbing his chest with a "heart attack" any time anyone called him on something. This is my mother.
Since I basically drew the short straw with the brown end in my family I've been her caregiver for years (which I'll be walking away from soon) so I have to accompany her to her doctor's appointments. I really lay it on the doctor and right in front of her. I tell him that she's dying and gasping for breath and has every devastating illness that modern medicine has a name for. Having an illness as yet unheard of and getting it named after her is I think her dream in life. See, when she gets in the doctor's office, she's fine. She plays the "being old" bit a little. Going on progress to visit her doctor collection is entertainment for my mother. She's done it for years and years. Only now we're honest with the doctors when she goes because she knows I will call her out on her BS. When she wants to entertain she tries to find someone else to take her to an appointment. Good luck with that I tell her.
If you and your sisters get no say in any of it, then I'm assuming your father takes her to all the uneccesary, ridiculus doctor's appointments. He needs to start calling her out on her bullsh*t in front of her to her doctors.
If there's nothing wrong with her physically, then her problems are mental. The "white elephant" in the room has to be addressed or this nonsense of running from doctor to doctor will only get worse.
Your mom needs mental health services to help her work through the eating disorders and hypochondria. These are real disorders and people who have them need mental health professionals to help them cope.
The first thing your father needs to start doing is refuse to go along with all her doctors appointments and stop giving her attention when she starts up with all of her imaginary illnesses. He's not doing her any favors enabling her behavior and has to stop.
Yes, I do think you should speak to her doctors and let them know that she's lying and is a hypochondriac with anorexia. Tell them to please not tell her that you called. They won't tell her. They might have a word with your father though. They will tell him exactly what I'm telling you. That her problems are mental and she needs mental health services.
Truth varies: their version of the truth differed from mine. Eg Q are you eating well? A yes.
*Well* to me is;
- not fast food & instant meals
- not skipping meals or extreme diets
But to them it was 'well'.
Safety: the person does not feel safe enough to disclose what's really going on. Have embarrassment about discussing mental health.
Insight: the person lacks insight into their own behaviour. What they doing.
I think you could write to the Doctor if you feel strongly to. It possibly may instigate the Doctor asking more questions surrounding diet & mood. But someone has to be willing to discuss & seek treatment. If your Mother answers it's fine, it's all fine, then there is not a lot the Doctor can do.
IMHO anorexia can be a stress response. When life is stressful with many things outside their control, causing worry/anxiety, food intake is something WITHIN their control.
The recent move could well be the trigger. Moving is a very stressful time.
'Adjustment disorder' is a label I've heard;
"An adjustment disorder is an emotional or behavioral reaction to a stressful event or change in a person's life".
Usually by about 6 months, emotional adjustment takes place - that's what I was told.
Would your Mother be open to getting some counselling?
I found that really helped me. I have much less reservations about seeking that out for other future stressful times.
Truth varies: their version of the truth differed from mine. Eg Q are you eating well? A yes.
*Well* to me is;
- not fast food & instant meals
- not skipping meals or extreme diets
Safety: the person does not feel safe enough to disclose what's really going on. Have embarrassment about discussing mental health.
Insight: the person lacks insight into their own behaviour
I think you could write to the Doctor if you feel strongly to. It possibly may instigate the Doctor asking more questions surrounding diet & mood. But someone has to be willing to discuss & seek treatment. If your Mother answers it's fine, it's all fine, then there is not a lot the Doctor can do.
Imho anorexia can be a stress response. When life is stressful with many things outside their control, causing worry/anxiety, food intake is something WITHIN their control.
The recent move could well be the trigger. Moving is a very stressful time.
'Adjustment disorder' is a label I've heard;
"An adjustment disorder is an emotional or behavioral reaction to a stressful event or change in a person's life".
Usually the adjustment settles by 6 months - that's what I was told.
Would your Mother be open to getting some counselling?
I found that really helped me. I have much less reservations about seeking that out for other future stressful times.
I remember when I had to move my parents from FL to CO to be close to me after dad had to stop driving. Mom worked herself up into SUCH a frenzy that she caused herself 2 hospital stays with ulcerative colitis, then a DVT in her leg, then depression, then pulmonary emboli. It was the worst bunch of months of my life. She was on the operating table at midnight on Christmas Eve having an IVF filter put into her to prevent blood clots from killing her. And still managed to get the PEs the following month. And she was hysterical the entire time which just exacerbated an already stressful situation. I'm surprised my father didn't die of heart failure throughout the ordeal. She too stopped eating when the depression set in. So I made yet another phone call to the doctor to inform him of her state of mind bc she NEVER would've admitted it in a million years. I had POA though. The doc put her on Wellbutrin which helped a lot.
I know how hard all this truly is. But if dad is good with schlepping her around, and you don't have POA, I'm not sure what you can do except call her doctor ahead of time.
Good luck.
As much as a person can "work themselves up" and believe me my mother is the queen of this, a person cannot panic/anxiety attact themselves into a DVT requiring emergency surgery. If your mother was anything like mine, and it sound like it then she did get some pleasure and satisfaction from her ordeal. It ruined the holidays for everyone. My mother would LOVE this.
Your poor father.
Doc "Do you fall?"
Pt No. Never. Well hardly ever... Anymore.
Doc "I see. When was your last fall?"
Pt Ages ago.
Doc "You seem to have a few bruises, on hands, arms."
Pt. Oh that's from when I fell on Saturday. And I was so annoyed as it was the 2nd one that week.
Gotcha
BUT
Do not expect a reply if you are not listed on HIPAA forms.
Other than that the only suggestion is
Back off.
If they are both cognizant then they can make decisions they want.
Even if your mom would not be considered cognizant her husband is the one that makes medical decisions for her.
About all you can do is the Waiting game.
You wait until something happens that will require medical intervention.
You could, if you wanted to alienate your parents report self abuse to APS (starving oneself would be self abuse) But I doubt anything would come of it.