After two months, my parents are still adjusting to memory care. I need to sell the house and their cars. I will start the process in May.
I am not sure what to do regarding telling them or not. I want to be honest, but I don't want to traumatize them again or repeat it.
When we moved my MIL into AL she kept insisting on being taken back but we told her the HOA was making extensive repairs, or we couldn't do it that day but later in the week. Eventually she stopped asking.
Best of luck.
Just take care of their finances as necessary and keep the dirty details to yourself. Sometimes folks with dementia get on what I call "auto-loop" and ask the same question over and over again. If they keep asking about their home and cars, just tell them not to worry and that you are taking care of everything for them. Then change the subject and ask them a question. It's a little nippy today, do you want to wear the blue sweater or the brown one?
No different than dealing with a small child. Keep the conversation appropriate for what they can handle.
I would not tell them. Like said fib.
Tell them the electricity is off and the power company is working on it but it could take weeks. Tell them the water is off. Tell them the street is being dug up for repaving and it will take awhile.
As for current home vs. childhood home, that's a tough call. I use to think my Mom, who was in a nursing home, was talking about the house where my Dad was still living that they had shared for decades. Until my Mom asked if Dad had put the cows in the pasture. Ah ha, it was Mom's childhood home that she was asking about and the Dad was her own Dad.
So I quickly had to use the fibs again, so not to upset Mom. Any time Mom {90+] would ask to go visit her parents, I would tell her "they are visiting the old country" and that put a smile on Mom's face, as in her mind she remembered how much her parents love to visit the relatives overseas.
Then Mom would ask to visit her siblings [all of whom had passed on], so I had to quickly do a fib that Mom would believe. Again, more smiles :)
Are they ever, ever gonna come back to that home? are they ever, ever gonna be driving those cars again? When I took the car away from my Daddy I was the worst daughter ever! Maybe my soul is hard but I didn't care. I knew he was ill and his memory was fading. I would not feel right if he was driving and killed some one and I could have stopped it. While he was in the memory care he asked about his car and I showed him pictures of it. I told him I had just washed it and it was not as shiny as he could have done but when he comes home he can clean it again. He never physically saw that car again and never came home. He's gone now and I know he is looking down knowing in his right mind that I did the right thing. Many think its wrong to say these fibs but is it fair to tell my daddy that yes I sold your beloved car and you will never drive it again. He would have been sad and heart broken at least he had some sort of hope even though it was false hope. And besides maybe he's driving around in heaven in his dream car! :)
Are they understanding that MC is their new home?
If so, then tell them that no-one was in the house, you can't rent it, and they were losing money maintaining it, so it makes sense to sell it so they can pay their rent at their new place.
If they don't understand the need for MC or why they're there, then deploy the fiblets, determining what doesn't upset them. Sometimes that's going to be you telling them that the car is in the shop...always.
This is not an honesty or respect issue, this is determining what information is helpful to share with a person who, along with their memory has lost their ability to process information. They can no longer use reasoning and good judgement, or have insight regarding the need for decisions to be made on their behalf. People with dementia may forget conversations, but they retain emotions, especially negative ones. If finding out their house is going to be sold agitates them, then adjust the story to what they can handle.
Alternatively, you can decide to tell the truth and have the same circular conversation each time, but if you've already placed them, I'm guessing you know how that will go. I do disagree with those who say that telling the truth to a person with anosognosia is best. It's not kind or loving to tell the 'truth' over and over to a person who is not mentally capable of processing the information, when that information upsets them or exacerbates their feelings of loss.
My mother would have absolutely lost it if she'd known her beloved home of 50+ years was being sold. As it turned out, we didn't sell it until after she died, but her questions about it stopped pretty quickly after she moved to a nursing home.
My biggest mistake was taking her to it just once when she and I were heading home from lunch one day, we both had to go to the bathroom, and the house was closer than her nursing home. That quick stop to go to the bathroom turned into 90 minutes of her wandering through the house weeping, and I never took her back.
Like many things in dementia (telling someone a spouse has died, for example), the reality of these upsetting events feel like the first time for them and they're just devastated.
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