Hello, My mom is 88, has always been emotionally immature and self-absorbed (no dementia). I've never set many boundaries with her. She doesn't 'get' boundaries. Example- She's always called me and talked and talked(!) about nothing and I've listened. So draining. Over the years, I've asked her to not call so much. I don't even like talking on the phone, am a total introvert. She doesn't stop. She cries when I ask her to stop. I would describe her as on the low end of the narcissistic spectrum. But since January, things have escalated...
In Jan., my stepdad (age 95) and mom got Covid. He died of it. She is ok now, but it affected her heart and kidneys. My brother and I (1 brother, no sisters) have spent SO MUCH TIME dealing with her- doctors, hospital stays, moving her to an independent living facility, doing her finances, groceries, etc., etc. (I live 5 hours from her; my brother, 1 1/2 hrs.) My mom has always been needy and dependent. She expects us to do everything for her now. My brother? Jumps through hoops to do whatever she wants. I help, but I don't jump.
About 6 weeks ago, I reached an 'aha' moment realizing that my mom is a covert narcissist. She has many bad behaviors toward me, but they've gotten WAY worse. (And it's not from grieving.) She bullies me. She compares me to other daughters my age. I've asked her to stop. She doesn't stop. Too, she has always interrupted and talked over me. I've been speaking up for myself the last few weeks. I ask her over and over to stop interrupting me. She's interrupting when I'm asking this! It. Does. Not. Stop.
To everyone else, she's this sweet lady. To me, she's the opposite. I've been calling her out on her bad behaviors lately. She doesn't like it and turns things around and blames me. She yells at me. In July, she went into a RAGE. I hid in her condo bathroom to get away. She hides her bad behavior from others. The rage was when my husband went to do a curbside pick-up. Of course, she stopped right before he got back.
In the past several weeks, I've read 22 books (no kidding!) about emotionally immature, self-absorbed, and narcissistic parents. Wow, did they open my eyes!! They describe my mom to a T. I see patterns now over and over (from decades!). My brother, whom I felt so close to most of my life, is now treating me differently. I'm pretty sure my mom is triangulating. I see my brother is the Golden Child. And I am the Scapegoat. My brother's wife has always treated me passive-aggressively. Now, I feel this united front of the 3 of them against me. My husband totally sees it too. It's distressing and disturbing.
Last night, I lost it with my mom over the phone. She doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to her on the phone and only want to correspond by text or email. I told her I'm treated kinder that way. She doesn't listen though because she's interrupting me! She was yelling at me. And sadly, I was yelling back. I'm so very angry with her. She DENIES all her bad behavior. She denied going into a RAGE in July. Huh?! She denies comparing me to other daughters though she does it over and over. She gaslights. Her answer when I tell her something she said was hurtful? "I never said that!"
I am accomplished in my field, have a master's degree and also play the piano. My mom didn't go to college, has no hobbies, is not musical. (I'm way more like my dad, who passed away 31 years ago. I miss him so much.) On top of everything else, I think she's envious of me too. I have a good marriage, 4 wonderful grown kids, and 4 adorable grandkids. My life is good. Except for the relationship with my mom. It is eating away at me. Too, last night my mom asked 2x why I don't get along with my brother now. I wanted to (though I didn't) scream that she's manipulating our relationship and causing the rift! Everything channels 'through' her, has for many years.
My question- Do I go grey rock? Or should I write my mom a letter/email explaining why I feel so mistreated by her?
In the past year, she only has had one relapse and I shut her down fast. I’ve made so much progress in my healing, I’m not going back there again. If she can’t stop, I will walk away. If you feel you’ve reached that point, do it. Life is too damn short to torture yourself feeling indebted and allowed to be revictimized again and again.
Make the most of your life, surrounding yourself with positive energy, love, health, and happiness. After all, what if you died before your mom? How would you want to spend the last of your days? None of us are promised a tomorrow. Enjoy whatever time God grants you be it 2 months or 20 years surrounded by people who love and respect you.
Make it clear to your brother, and write a letter to your mom. If for no other reason, it will give you the opportunity of clearing your slate so that you can move on, free of baggage.
Best of luck.
:)
hug!!
i hope your life is going ok.
:)
we must do everything, to make our life ok!!
don’t let narcs “win”.
their goal is to destroy us, make us miserable.
maybe there’s some love. there’s also a lot of hatred towards us.
THEY DON’T HAVE OUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. WATCH OUT.
you wrote:
“To everyone else, she's this sweet lady. To me, she's the opposite. I've been calling her out on her bad behaviors lately. She doesn't like it and turns things around and blames me. She yells at me. In July, she went into a RAGE. I hid in her condo bathroom to get away. She hides her bad behavior from others.”
typical.
all over the world, narcs do the same thing.
it’s not a disorder.
they’re simply mean.
a person with a disorder/crazy, acts the same towards everyone. this is intentionally targeted at you ONLY.
they can switch it on/off anytime. proof: if there are witnesses, they behave better.
typical:
cruel mother against sweet daughter.
a woman against another woman.
i think many of us would love to hear from the narc, “you’re right. i did all those bad things against you. i’m sorry.”
we’d like them to admit, and this might give us peace.
but they’ll never admit.
not on deathbed, not ever.
hugs.
succeed in your life.
and try to keep those ugly words away from your ears/head, otherwise the ugly/unfair words will swim around your head, during the day and night (while you try to sleep).
they’ll never stop.
hugs!!
we must succeed, how ever you want to define “success”.
the best would be, to be a happy, financially successful daughter.
hug!!!
you know what?
i succeeded!!
she tried to destroy me, but she didn’t.
i’m happy. i’m financially independent/successful. i have wonderful friends, etc.
she continues trying to destroy me. but it doesn’t work. i’m a happy person.
very sorry to hear you went through that.
i’ll try to follow some things you did.
hug!!
My mom has been in the hospital the last 12 days (again, she's 5 hrs. from me). She's not doing well. My brother has been at the hospital with her (he lives 1 1/2 hrs. away from her). He's still jumping through hoop after hoop. After hoop. He mostly texts updates to me and my husband. I've spoken on the phone a couple of times with my brother. (He always sounds irritated.) Today was a disaster with him. So disturbing to me. The cardiologists and nephrologists are trying to decide whether my mom is well enough for some procedures - angiogram, TAVR, etc. She called me this morning before my brother went to the hospital. She asked me what she should do, have an angiogram or not. (She's ALWAYS wanted me to make decisions for her.) I told her what I thought and suggested we have a group call when my brother arrived by 11am. I texted him and said Mom had called and I'd like a group call. He texted he didn't think a group call would be helpful. I responded I'd like one. He responded 'not interested.' Just wow. I was totally dismissed.
I get that he's doing everything. I helped a lot until about 2 months ago when my mom went into the RAGE at me. I emailed him about that several weeks ago. I've since said a couple of times to him how appreciative I am of him doing things for her and please let me know if he starts feeling resentful toward me. No comment from him. Honestly, I'm scared to go see my mom because of Covid. Where she lives, there are SO many cases of it. My brother and I are both vaccinated, but he's braver about going in places. I'm actually surprised re all the stores, etc. he goes in. I often babysit my 4 grandkids and I do not want to get Covid. (And I believe my mom is in the condition she's in because of getting it in January! I told her last summer (2020), though I'm sure she wasn't listening, that if she got Covid I couldn't come help. She was going in stores, church, etc. before there were vaccines and I told her I didn't think she should be going all those places. She dismissed me.)
I hate to think what's going to happen when she passes away and I have to deal with my family dynamics (also all the 'stuff' she would not get rid of before moving to the independent facility in early Sept. My brother helped move her. I suggested she get rid of lots of things and I went in July to help re that. She got rid of practically nothing. My brother's comment - "Whatever Mom wants.")
All so dysfunctional. In an email several weeks ago, I wrote my brother I feel like I won the scapegoat lottery and my family (implying Mom, him, his wife) are throwing stones at me. He didn't respond to that comment. But that's how I feel. I didn't, and do not plan to, say I think they're narcissists. It would make everything worse to say that. But, wow, what is happening is totally straight out of all the books I've read. We're textbook Scapegoat, Golden Child, and Triangulation. I'll never be able to get them to see it. Sad.
Thank you for 'listening' and letting me vent!!
An update- now I record on my phone everytime I hear her lying to family members or treating me abusive when noone is in the room. She has told me countless times that she definitely doesnt need my help when she becomes unable to take care of herself. Currently I am my father's p caretaker along with my children who help as much as possible.
I take these videos because in the future they will speak for themselves. I will be able to let go of any guilt or obligation to care for her. I have come to her aid my entire life, have the scapegoat role, and refuse to let her poisonous behavior take my retirement years or cause so much stress that I become ill and my children will have to care for me as a result. My only obligation in life is to take care of my self and be as healthy as I can and to be responsible for my well being. Just because I gave life to my 4 terrific children does not give me the right to expect love and care in return. That is earned by how I treat them.
I also record what she says and does as a real reminder of how important words and actions are. I do not want to be like her. When she cries self pity I will play her the videos.
It is the only answer and the ONLY thing that will set you free.
No letter. Don’t try to explain yourself. Your mother has a thimble full capable of love. Yours is much, much larger. She is not capable of understanding you. She was never a mother. She was never a mother you wanted, needed, or deserved. Acknowledge that and bury it.
I am your age. I have gone through exactly what you have. And I saw one of the best therapists after I was emotionally crippled by my last visit to my NPD mother. I almost committed suicide. This therapist told me she would not treat me unless I went no contact. I needed her help and I was so afraid. So I emailed my mother and told her point-blank that I was in therapy and I could not contact her according to my therapist. It worked. My therapist gave me strength and she worked fast. I turned my life around in literally 10 days. But the healing took much, much longer.
To this day I have not contacted “mother” and although she has written me and continues to send gifts to the home, I have not responded.
Nothing trumps no contact. Do it.
If you want the name of the person who saved me, it is Lindsey Peterson. Google her name or “the Responsive woman.”
After you do, then I highly recommend looking into other resources to address depression, social skills, and other areas of your life that have been affected by having an NPD mother. i first bought a dozen or so books on the topic and educated myself.
Now, I take daily walks and listen to a life coach who is also giving me social skills training (at my age if you can believe it!). I’m also considering TMS for depression. All of us have crutches because we have addictions. I am doing Hypnosis for mine. Finally, I am planning to volunteer and participate more in MeetUp groups to expand my social network. But that is *my* plan. Your plan will be different. It will be for you.
Then God blessed me with this video. I have downloaded it and watch it every day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7a0HjVlD7g
Since following their advice my stress level has plummeted.
May I suggest you do the same.
"Grey rock" is a method. You use it when dealing with Narcissistic, abusive people you find yourself having to care for. Its basically ignoring them. You do what you need to do but don't look them in the eye or engage verbally. You do not show they are getting to them.