My partner(29) and I(26) have been together for 3 years. Our partnership has had an unimaginable amount of very difficult hurdles and we've always been able to work our way over them. He's an incredibly caring person with a heart of gold and an absolute hard ass who doesn't put up with BS and works his ass off. He protects me as a trans woman and doesn't put up with disrespect aimed at me. From friends or family.
Recently his 94 year old Grandmother has been increasingly unable to care for herself. From the short time I've known her she's been incredibly independent for her age and shows no signs of cognitive issues. But her refusal to admit that she needs help has ended up causing her more harm. Between infections from gardening, not eating properly, improper hygiene due to mobility issues, and falling everywhere, she's at a point where she has finally asked for help because of a recent fall scare. Because of my partners positive history with her, he wants to step up.
She's offered us to move in with her, rent free, aside from assistance with utilities. I just worry how this could negatively impact, not only our relationship, but our well-being. He works a high stress, very physically demanding job, and even before this last incident, his grandmother has always been a topic of worry for him. She currently can't walk well because of her last fall and requires assistance getting around while she heals. She can't hear very well at all(working on getting her hearing-aids), and she also can't speak english. Care would require making sure the house stays clean, helping her move around the house while she heals, getting her to doctors appointments, making her food, and ensuring proper hygiene.
As for the relationship between her and I, aside from the initial curious stare I got from her upon our first meeting, she has been very loving towards me. Despite the language barrier, she seems to have become very fond of me. She asks how I am, insists that I come over more often, and frequently compliments me when I'm not around. She's also incredibly hilarious. My partner translates the jokes she makes for me, and while out of pocket, they make everyone laugh. I do genuinely care about her. Unfortunately she's also a massive horder. I understand why, but it has to be fixed if we decide to move in. Infact it has to be fixed regardless because it's a general hazard for her at her advanced age. I worry that she won't be very fond of us putting a lot of her things inside a storage unit and it may create resentment.
Anyway. Sorry for the long post, but I just need to know if it's a good idea. I know there's potential for us to learn from this experience. Being a part of the end of her life. Because despite her strength, she's showing heavy signs I haven't mentioned that it may be drawing to an end. And because of how close my partner is to her, I feel like it may be important for his grieving process. I just worry about the potential toll that it could take on our relationship.
Edit: I wanted to discuss a few more of my fears. I worry about our intimacy, privacy, and our social life. I've seen the horror storys on here about people who have been in longer relationships that are facing similar situations. I don't want that to happen to us.
Moving into such a situation is pure lunacy.
What jumps out of your post is that your loved one's grandmother is a hoarder. Hoarding is a complex mental illness which requires professional interventions that go beyond simple "cleanouts".
I would never, NEVER go into a family caregiving situation like the one you are thinking about without a clear understanding of the person's physical and mental health diagnoses and prognosis, durable POA for medical and financial affairs and a caregiver contract drawn up by a lawyer specifying duties, payment and means of termination.
Do not give up your present living accommodations without clearly understanding how much work you're undertaking now and how much work it is likely to become.
Mare sure that your partner and gma understand Medicaid regulations in her state so that when/if facility care becomes a necessity she hasn't run afoul of those complex rules.
Granny has some nerve expecting help with utilities. Not only should she be covering all household expenses, but she should also be paying the caregiver (you?) a salary with taxes taken out.
And she is a hoarder and doesn't even speak English?
To go through with this plan? Well, that way lies madness.
A little supervision & company? Some help around the house in return for cheaper rent?
Or all day / intermittent hands-on assistance, every day, preventing one of you from leaving the house for paid employment. Working in opposite shifts, no couple time.
Helping someone live mostly independently, with a little help is very very different to keeping a person in their home who is/has become fully dependant on others.
A spectrum from: Helping..to..Enabling.
Having a clear picture of Grandmother's needs is a good starting point. Then being realistic about what you/partner can offer.
Heartfelt wishes & love are not enough - certainly not magical superhero style thinking either (just checking in with partner here..).
Keep your practical thinking hat on.
If you wrote out what the tasks would be *just the facts* what would the list be?
Your partners grandmother requires more help than either of you can possibly give her, and it's unrealistic to think that things would work out. All of us on here that have been or are currently caring for a loved one can tell you that it is by far the hardest job we've ever done, with little or no time left for ourselves, and it definitely takes it toll on you. So go in with eyes WIDE open.
And hoarding is a mental disorder and can't just be fixed overnight. It takes many years for a hoarder to take the steps needed to change their ways. And at her age, I highly doubt that she will ever change.
Instead your partner should be looking into ways to either hire some help(with her money of course)to come in and assist her or be having the talk with her about moving into the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires, and he can get back to just being her loving grandson and advocate.
Best wishes in getting this all figured out.
With a high stress, demanding job I doubt your SO will be able to do all that will be necessary.
Living in her home rent free is not adequate compensation for being a caregiver.
If you have had a lot of "unimaginable" hurdles not living with grandma and being a caregiver it will not get easier.
One thing that might make it easier..If she qualifies for Hospice you would have a Nurse that would come at least 1 time a week and a CNA that would come at least 2 times a week to help with bathing and ordering supplies. You would get all the equipment that you would need as well as all the supplies that you would need,
BUT
This is not going to be easy on your relationship.
This is still HER house. And she probably will not let you forget it.
IF you decide to do this you need a Caregiver Contract.
You should get paid for caregiving. (legit, taxes taken out and reported so that your Social Security quarters are counted)
You need to decide what your "line in the sand" is. At what point will you no longer be able to care for her. AND there needs to be a plan for that.
And I would suggest that any contract be able to be reviewed in 6 months so if you realize that you can not do this there can be other plans made.
And does she qualify for any other services? Or can she afford to pay another caregiver at least 2 times a week so that you get a break. And so that you and you SO can get out and have some time for yourselves.
Going to assume ya'll don't have a lot by way of your own possessions, that moving in with someone who has occupied .. I'm going to make a very mild guess here -- every wall of the house (ie there are no walls without furniture or stoarge totes or w/e against them) doesn't seem daunting.
In a hoarder's house there will be no room for your life. Also, any large changes in that environment might show you that she isn't as 'with it' as she might seem. There's a lot that can be hidden when someone is living alone in the same places for ages.
Even fully "healthy" (non-dementia'ed) removing a hoarder's horde and replacing it with yourself will direct the full bent of her attention onto you. You would need to be ready for that.
And then if she does start sundowning or whatever and suddenly stops recognizing you... oof. Then you're up from later afternoon till 2am and you're in a situation where she can't be left alone etc.
My mom is pretty with it and I have to schedule sitters if both of us want to leave the house. The last time we were able to leave the house with her staying by herself was in July. Then we had a romantic getaway to my specialist dr's appointment in November when hospice sitters could give me coverage.
I was all about the phiosophical/social/spirital/experience of helping someone to the end of theri journey. It's not that I am not now.. but it means you need to *stop your own, completely*, if you do it this way. And that is a lot to ask of anyone. For many it is too much.
You will think you're strong enough. You will think you've dealt with so much already that this can't be hard.
Then next thing you know there's 'nighttime agitation' and the commode in the corner and alarms going off five times a day and you realize, oh oh boy, this isn't that romanticized "I promised I would never leave you alone".
Hubby and I spent years apart fussing with immigration. That is probably the only reason our relationship can still survive. We're in the same house and we're miles apart.
As for intimacy hahahahahahahaha ;) You better already be pretty hardened to energy drinks ya'll need it :D
This sounds like it could create many fights, especially as her filters come down.
-Unfortunately she's also a massive horder. I understand why, but it has to be fixed if we decide to move in.
Hoarding doesn't get 'fixed'. It's an anxiety disorder that a psychologist is hired to deal with the person on TRYING to manage. It rarely works. If you clean out the woman's hoard, she'll be livid and just bring more stuff in.
- She can't hear very well at all(working on getting her hearing-aids), and she also can't speak english.
Grandma can't hear AND she can't speak English. How exactly do you plan to bathe this woman when you can't speak her language AND she can't hear what you're saying OR understand it? JUST a hearing problem alone is enough to drive a sane person off the deep end, with all the WHAT'S and the misinterpretations of what's been said, never mind not understanding the language being spoken in the first place. A real recipe for disaster, to put it mildly!
-I worry about our intimacy, privacy, and our social life.
What 'intimacy, privacy & social life'? It'll vanish in short order once you move in with an elder who requires 24/7 care. #Truth
You already know the answer to this question in your heart of hearts. Don't make a decision you'll live to regret. While grandma has showed heavy signs that the end of her life is drawing near, don't be fooled. She can wind up living another DECADE. My mother was drawing near to the end of her life for AGES before it finally happened, at 95, with advanced dementia, congestive heart failure, pulmonary hypertension, neuropathy, afib, and being wheelchair bound with incontinence for 3 years at play (w/c for 3 years; incontinence for 6). My 'uncle' George was just under 102 when he passed a couple of weeks ago. In reality, it can take a VERY long time for an elder to finally pass away b/c the human body is a REMARKABLY strong machine. This is not to say anyone is 'wishing' grandma TO die, just that it can take quite a long time for it to actually happen, wreaking havoc on YOUR lives in the process. You & your b/f are 26 & 29........it's a big commitment to take on, in reality.
Wishing you the best of luck
See All Answers