How to deal with a much older sibling wanting to micromanage without becoming the caregiver himself?
My brother is 14 years older than me. My mom has Alzheimers. It's technically in the early stages and she is still living on her own. Dad died earlier this year, after a quick battle with cancer. I have two brothers, and the three of us have been trying to navigate this since then.
Here's the problem. He lives 1000 miles away. The plan, for the last 6 months, was that mom was going to move down to where he lives, either to live with him and his family, or to live in an assisted living facility. He has the grandkids and a large extended familial unit there - here, it's just me and mom. And I am in school and have a full time and part time job. It has always been clear that no one expects me to be the caregiver. I am not equipped for it.
He recently stated that mom won't be moving to Texas because, according to him "she doesn't want to move". I am now the primary caregiver here, by myself. However, he seems to feel as though he needs to micromanage everything from 1000 miles away. Literally. He will call and ask me what a $15 charge on her debit card is. He refuses to put me on the checking account (he IS on it) and generally refuses anything I say. It is quite clear that, in this situation, I am inferior. I am the little sister who, although she is 30 herself, has no business being the caregiver of anything OTHER than mom herself. It has been this way in our family always, he gets it from dad - women especially just don't get as much say. I've been fighting it my whole life. Every decision must be run through him, and he refutes just about every opinion or idea that comes to the table from myself or my other brother (he's my twin). My other brother doesn't live in either city, so he's pretty quiet on everything.
I don't know how to do this. It's causing so much strife with a sibling I thought I really understood, and so much anger and bitterness because really, if you're going to dictate that she stays with me, by ourselves here, it stands to reason that you would say, "You know what? You're there. You make the daily decisions for mom, financially, emotionally, etc. Big decisions can be made with all of us. Everything else, I trust that you're making the best decision for yourself and for mom." I know it's hard to give up that control but I just feel so crapped on.
None of this has been my decision, or anywhere close to what I want. Decisions are being made for me without my approval or consent, and I feel so chastised and condescended to. I'm often feeling so angry that I'm in tears at the end of the day. I don't know how to fix this.
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I think you're justified in telling him that if you're going to take care of your mother, you need flexibility, leeway, and above all, RESPECT. If he won't authorize you to sign checks yet scrutinizes a $15 purchase, tell him that either he learns to trust you or he can take over the caregiving, including moving your mother down to his home area.
What your mother wants is not the only governing factor; what you have in your life (education and jobs) as well as what you want and have time for are major factors as well.
He'll probably get angry, say that's not realistic, and you can counter with the fact that he's not being realistic in expecting you to bear the complete work burden of caregiving while he keeps a tight rein on the purse strings. I'm sure from what you wrote that he'll come up with something to disagree with that approach.
This sounds like more than family dynamic; it sounds like the chauvinistic approach that the woman should be the caregiver while the man manages the finances. That attitude may still, exist in some geographic areas, so apparently your brother needs a lesson in women's rights as well.
I'm sure he'll make everything uncomfortable for you. Stand your ground, limit your conversations, and if you have to, just communicate in writing because I have the feeling that conversations will get nasty and he'll be demanding.
Turn the situation around; YOU set the standards, you tell him what you need and that's the only method by which you'll handle the caregiving. And think what you'll need in the future as well, especially outside care.
Make it clear that you're not compromising yours jobs or education. Be firm, even though he may get hostile. You don't need to be bullied by either him or dominated by your mother.
Best method is to do this by e-mail, including any compromises or agreements he makes. That way you have proof that he acceded to your demands.
Mom may have to adjust her thinking as well and agree to move, as the situation as it is now is untenable for you.
If he takes the ultimate irresponsible attitude and accuses you of being responsible, you can point out that YOU'RE trying to work things out but he's not. If he were responsible, he wouldn't be interfering with your care of your mother.
Keep shifting the blame back to him.
You can also talk with your mother and tell her that if she wants you to remain as her caregiver, she needs to shift the financial responsibility to you. Otherwise, it's just not a workable situation.
Good luck; this isn't going to be easy, but don't give in. You're in the right; he's wrong.
Do not blink. You are NOT going to be saddled with every OUNCE of responsibility for your moms care without having the AUTHORITY for financial and healthcare decisions when mom is no longer able to handle her own affairs.
If mom is no longer able to sign new POAs, either your brother relinquishes the checkbook or he picks her up at the train station.
Honestly, if you said, "Mom, we have to move you to Texas.", she'd agree and go along with it. I think what really happened is that we got to the point where we were going to move her, and he decided that isn't what he wanted, and asked her what she wanted, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that she would say she wanted to stay in her house. Then he wiped his hands of it. He literally said, "Well, mom said she doesn't want to move, so I've stopped worrying about it.". Unfortunately that motto of, "It's what mom wants/doesn't want." can only go so far in an Alzheimers patient, and if you're not going to use that logic with anything else (he hasn't been), it doesn't seem fair to use it here.
I can understand though that it's a tough choice for her. And it might be that if she does move to Texas, a hot state, from the cold state of Illinois, she might find the climate an uncomfortable challenge.
It seems to me that the better solution is for her to remain in the house, with funds from your brother to your to provide assistance in home with care and house upkeep, and the grandkids can visit during the summer. That meets all 3 issues: her desire to stay in the home she lived in with your father, your access to financial support and visits by the grandchildren.
There is no respect, only expectation. It is EXPECTED that I will be okay with this, being the female of the siblings and a "natural" caregiver. It is EXPECTED that I will acquiesce because I'm here already. It is EXPECTED that I will do anything and everything because she is my mom and I love her. Anything that isn't that and I'm selfish.
I just don't want to do this alone. I can't. I don't want to be the only one here, taking care of her, or visiting her several times a week, or dealing with her decline without the emotional support they all have down there. Doing this now is almost impossible, I cannot imagine how it will be when she loses so much more. It's heart wrenching and it makes me so lonely. To say nothing of her sadness - it's still early enough that she is completely aware that she has Alzheimer's, and with this being the first holiday season since dad died...SHE needs the emotional support, so much more than me right now.
I'm really glad I found this site. I imagine it's going to be invaluable to me in the coming months and years. Thanks to all of you for your advice and support as well. I think mom spending the winter down there is a great proposal, though I'm 99% sure there will be some excuse not to.
Also, can I just say, a BIG middle finger to Alzheimer's. Truly.
Ask your mom if she'd like to move to Texas. If she says yes, he should step to the plate and start doing some real caregiving.
Having watching my mom care for several of my grandparents when we were children (and having been emotionally neglected as a result), I think the natural habitat of the elder in need of care is a facility, the same way that the natural habitat of a school aged child is school. Human beings, even the least sociable among us, do better in groups than we do with a single worn out caregiver.
"Okay. I love you so much, but here's where I'm at. I am not interested in playing this game with you for the next 10 years. It's unacceptable. You either trust me implicitly and respect me - as I do you - or you don't. If you don't, then okay, that's your choice; I will be moving her to Texas on my own, and putting her up in the best facility closest to you that I can find. I am not interested in stealing money from our ailing mother, and everything you're doing is indicative that you think otherwise. This is not okay - it's illogical, hurtful, and such a disgusting idea that it makes my stomach churn. She will not live here if this problem continues. I will not be moving in with her if this problem continues.
This is a terrible situation that we've all been put in, and I know that you, much like Dad, need to feel in control of all situations. I know it's hard for you to see me as an adult; after all, you changed my diapers. I know that Mom's decline is scary and heartbreaking and sometimes, that control is all you've got to keep you from feeling like your world is crumbling. I so often feel that way.
Unfortunately, it's not an acceptable situation the way it is now. It is up to you to decide the next step. This is your choice, but she will not live here if that is the road you continue to take. I will not lose my relationship with you over this, but I'm also not going to be the person who's good enough to be the caregiver but not good enough to be trusted with anything else.
None of this is up for compromise. I love you, very much."
Also, you seem to say that you would be willing keep your mother near you and to take on the role of caregiver if you are given the authority to do so, didn't you say that you feared taking on the burden of caregiving alone because your family supports were so far away?
Best regards
It's good that you wrote the DRAFT e-mail to get some anger out, and you can keep doing that if it makes you feel good, but DO NOt send it. KISS is the better philosophy, as Babalou demonstrates.
I would also add that you cannot under any circumstances care for your mother without financial control. Therefore, under the circumstances by which he maintains and has continued to consolidate financial control, you feel it would be better if he assumed physical control for your mother.
You could add that this would be a great option because it will allow her the opportunity to have more contact with her grandchildren.
Don't give him anything about which to get angry or fight with you; but do put the burden on him to affirm that he's not giving up financial control. And above all, make it clear that you cannot and will not continue to care for Mom under the existing circumstances.
Keep rewriting the e-mail until you get it down to less sentences, ones that are neutral, not angry, but that convey your message.
And in the meantime, you can look for a place near you as well as advise him that you're also looking for an attorney to draft a DPOA and Advanced Directive in the event that you do continue care.
Good luck. I know this isn't an easy thing to do.
I might also double check on the mom's DPOA and Healthcare POA. See if brother is legally able to operate as POA as an out of state resident. I think that if there is real estate, he may be limited in what he can do without having an agent in the mother's state. An Estate Attorney should be able to confirm that.
I am her medical POA, and yes, I will definitely check with an estate attorney on what he's able to do as a financial POA out of state.
What I'm HOPING will happen with that eventual email is that he'll say, "Well, I'm not comfortable giving up that control." and I can say, "Okay. She will be moving to Texas, then." Being in control of all things, for him, for dad - that's priority number one. I believe at the end of the day, that it's the only way they know to take care of their loved ones, but if often gets lost in translation with people who are just as strong and unwilling to take a backseat.
He may have expected to live his life with his parents as a single child, then along come 2 other siblings. We have no idea how he felt about that. We don't know if your parents had to make financial sacrifices in order to raise the two of you while your older brother was almost an adult.
If he resented you and your younger brother, he may still harbor that resentment. It may also be that he had to help your parents raise you and he still feels the need to maintain that control. There could be so many factors from those earlier years, and I suspect many of them are ingrained.
Snottiness from people with financial POA is something I had to endure too. If I'm proud of nothing else, I am proud of not having punched anybody. It was touch and go at times. Like you, I was conscientious and reasonably organised (it got better with practice) about expenses; but it's the sanctimoniousness with which they wield the fine-toothed comb that just gets up the nose, don't you find? And, yes, I couldn't agree more, the insulting attitude that you're good enough to do the donkey work but not to be trusted with a bank account. It IS insulting. There! - now I've got myself all cross about it again.
The way I see it, you have two separate but equally major issues, here.
1. Where your mother is to live, and how she is to be cared for. Until such time as she has lost capacity, which is not likely to be that soon, this decision is for your mother to make. However. If your mother's plan relies heavily on your co-operation, unless you consent to it then she will have to come up with another. No one can force you to commit to it.
2. The great Responsibility v. Authority debate. At the moment, you are in the untenable position of being held responsible for your mother's welfare, with no authority to back it up. Your email to your brother could be reduced to one sentence: "responsibility without power: the prerogative of the eunuch through the ages. Not doing it."
I learned all this much too late: by the time I'd gathered the information about POAs, who had it, when they came into force and so on, I was already living in the same house as my mother and royally stuck. Moreover, mother's cognition was too frail to do anything about it, even supposing it would have been kind or sensible to reopen the debate. We live and learn.
So be warned, because you're not at that stage yet. You are well placed to think carefully about what you are and are not prepared to do in terms of caring for your mother, and what legal and financial tools you will need to do that much. But a tip for negotiations: don't present a position and say it's non-negotiable. Instead, ask what is required of you and ask your brother what he would do in your position. It's a negotiation, remember, not the last word. Practice detachment, too, and hold tight to your sense of humour, particularly when a proposal is being imposed on you that is absurd to the point where no one who didn't have 'welcome' tattooed on her forehead would agree to it.
Your other brother - tchah. Just tchah. I've got one like that, too.
Let us know how you're getting on. This will get better, just mind your boundaries. Hugs to you.
I wonder if having the medical MPOA might tie her in a bit, too.
Tricky one, whichever way you slice it.
For clarification:
- I do not use her credit card. She uses her own credit card, and I have her debit card, specifically for things like an unexpected bill, or groceries for her on my way to her house, or if she says she needs me to get some cash out for her. We do not share bank accounts, but I do take care of paying her bills on time.
- I don't live with her. I live with my boyfriend about 20 minutes away from her. There had been talk of the two of us moving in with her (meaning he and I talked about it. Then I made the mistake of telling my brothers and they took off like a shot with that plan, though it was made clear it had only been a discussion of "what ifs"), because she cannot be on her own much longer.
- Babalou says what I'm thinking - I am quite scared of "negotiating", because our family is NOTORIOUS for waiting and analyzing and waiting some more and never actually pulling a trigger. If I say, "Okay, I can do this for another year.", I am fairly certain that it will just continue indefinitely. I keep hearing "soon". And then I hear, "Give it another 6 months there, she doesn't want to move here right now.". I just feel like it's slowly backing me into a corner because hey, am I going to be the jackass daughter who uproots her into a new place when she's truly too far gone? Of course not.
- Countrymouse - I appreciate your hackles. :-) And your advice, too, of course. It's comforting (though truly sad, in a way) that I'm not the only one who is or has been in this spot.
On the other hand, not to go to extremes: it *can* be done, and it is survivable, and I might even go so far as to say it was worth it; but do not sacrifice a cent to do it, and be very clear about what your mother's staying at home would involve before you agree to anything. Caring for your mother in her home until the end of her life (may that day never dawn) will cost you mentally, physically and emotionally, and only you can decide whether the reward (which is real, it's true) is worth it. But why the h*ll should it cost you money too?
My mom got diagnosed when I was about age 24. I truly didn't know how long this disease can last. My mom slowly went through the stages of accusations, aggressive attacks to sun downing and wandering off. One day, she woke up and couldn't walk. Bedridden for over 13 years. Went from choking on food, to liquid,etc.. In all these years, dad and I kept asking his 7 other kids for help. It was mainly just dad and I.
3 years ago, the stress finally affected him. He had a minor stroke but he had NO desire to do physical therapy. He's now bedridden. And now I had 2 bedridden parents and a full time job. and Not One of my 7 siblings offered to help me. Mom finally died a year later. I've been helping dad caregive mom for 23 years. And dad is beginning his journey down the road of senility....
Warning: do not move in! When I tried to leave both bedridden parents, to move out and have oldest brother of next door to step up and do his duty- my siblings told me that in the law's eyes, I am the caregiver. To walk away is abandonment and elderly neglect.... Whatever you do, don't move in. Your brother sounds just as wily as my brother.
Maybe "Go screw yourself " was a bit over the top. That is because I have absolutely NO patience with B.S. You cannot swim with one foot in the water. It is either your whole body or nothing. Therefore Big Brother is either 100% caregiver or 0%. Make a choice.
So was my response rude? Probably. Vulgar? Absolutely--but I would rather others think of me as being vulgar rather than as one who can be easily manipulated. I HATE manipulators. They attack and abuse the vulnerable--and get pleasure from their actions. Enough already.