My brother is 14 years older than me. My mom has Alzheimers. It's technically in the early stages and she is still living on her own. Dad died earlier this year, after a quick battle with cancer. I have two brothers, and the three of us have been trying to navigate this since then.
Here's the problem. He lives 1000 miles away. The plan, for the last 6 months, was that mom was going to move down to where he lives, either to live with him and his family, or to live in an assisted living facility. He has the grandkids and a large extended familial unit there - here, it's just me and mom. And I am in school and have a full time and part time job. It has always been clear that no one expects me to be the caregiver. I am not equipped for it.
He recently stated that mom won't be moving to Texas because, according to him "she doesn't want to move". I am now the primary caregiver here, by myself. However, he seems to feel as though he needs to micromanage everything from 1000 miles away. Literally. He will call and ask me what a $15 charge on her debit card is. He refuses to put me on the checking account (he IS on it) and generally refuses anything I say. It is quite clear that, in this situation, I am inferior. I am the little sister who, although she is 30 herself, has no business being the caregiver of anything OTHER than mom herself. It has been this way in our family always, he gets it from dad - women especially just don't get as much say. I've been fighting it my whole life. Every decision must be run through him, and he refutes just about every opinion or idea that comes to the table from myself or my other brother (he's my twin). My other brother doesn't live in either city, so he's pretty quiet on everything.
I don't know how to do this. It's causing so much strife with a sibling I thought I really understood, and so much anger and bitterness because really, if you're going to dictate that she stays with me, by ourselves here, it stands to reason that you would say, "You know what? You're there. You make the daily decisions for mom, financially, emotionally, etc. Big decisions can be made with all of us. Everything else, I trust that you're making the best decision for yourself and for mom." I know it's hard to give up that control but I just feel so crapped on.
None of this has been my decision, or anywhere close to what I want. Decisions are being made for me without my approval or consent, and I feel so chastised and condescended to. I'm often feeling so angry that I'm in tears at the end of the day. I don't know how to fix this.
For example:
In older generations especially, parents would often automatically appoint a son rather than a daughter.
One or more children may have specific financial expertise, which could be handy.
They might just pick the oldest child.
They might avoid picking a child for the most peculiar of reasons - a tendency to pick up speeding fines, for example, or habitual lateness.
They might pick the one who starts the discussion and calls the attorney.
There is nothing *inherently* wrong with an arrangement whereby one child does hands-on care while another exercises financial power of attorney. In fact, when the relationships are good and co-operative and communication works well, this ticks lots of regulatory boxes - it helps in terms of transparency, avoiding undue influence, double-checking of spending on the parent's behalf and all sorts of things. Also, although the tasks don't really compare in terms of time or energy, holding POA is not effort-free - so it is a way of sharing in the work to be done.
But for many reasons, unfortunately, it tends to be fraught in practice. Siblings may not be as close and mutually appreciative as the ideal, for example; or if they were before they might rapidly cease to be so. Communication may go awry. The worst aspect of it in my family's case was that we had differing views of what was and was not worth paying for - it could have been a lot worse, there was no trouble over respite care or buying in support once mother became bed-bound, for example; but there were certainly things I would have bought had I been in charge of the money that just got quietly shelved instead. And the thing about that is, now that my mother has passed, of course it doesn't really matter any more; but I'm left wondering, with some bitterness, just whose interests her POAs were protecting. They've done pretty well out of their efforts.
But I think you may have a situation where it's the parent who's in conflict, potentially anyway, with the POA child. Depending on how you view what is really in the parent's best interests, you can either look around for an independent advocate and/or legal advice for the parent, or support the POA child and give back up for what he's trying to do (if you agree that it's the best thing for the parent, objectively speaking). Tricky one, though.
again, there seemingly is no actual POA. I did so some research that at least seemed to indicate you can dispute your own "incapacity", which I guess, somewhat like you're saying, your ability to do so would be an indication of that. As far as I know she never got lost while she was driving and knew enough to not go nearly so far as others who wound up either quitting driving or at least would have someone go with them, which I believe she would do, or were forced to quit even by those who also didn't drive, at least as much, so not quite sure I feel I could totally back up taking away the keys and not giving them back. What does it sound like to you? Definitely tricky, though.