How to deal with a much older sibling wanting to micromanage without becoming the caregiver himself?
My brother is 14 years older than me. My mom has Alzheimers. It's technically in the early stages and she is still living on her own. Dad died earlier this year, after a quick battle with cancer. I have two brothers, and the three of us have been trying to navigate this since then.
Here's the problem. He lives 1000 miles away. The plan, for the last 6 months, was that mom was going to move down to where he lives, either to live with him and his family, or to live in an assisted living facility. He has the grandkids and a large extended familial unit there - here, it's just me and mom. And I am in school and have a full time and part time job. It has always been clear that no one expects me to be the caregiver. I am not equipped for it.
He recently stated that mom won't be moving to Texas because, according to him "she doesn't want to move". I am now the primary caregiver here, by myself. However, he seems to feel as though he needs to micromanage everything from 1000 miles away. Literally. He will call and ask me what a $15 charge on her debit card is. He refuses to put me on the checking account (he IS on it) and generally refuses anything I say. It is quite clear that, in this situation, I am inferior. I am the little sister who, although she is 30 herself, has no business being the caregiver of anything OTHER than mom herself. It has been this way in our family always, he gets it from dad - women especially just don't get as much say. I've been fighting it my whole life. Every decision must be run through him, and he refutes just about every opinion or idea that comes to the table from myself or my other brother (he's my twin). My other brother doesn't live in either city, so he's pretty quiet on everything.
I don't know how to do this. It's causing so much strife with a sibling I thought I really understood, and so much anger and bitterness because really, if you're going to dictate that she stays with me, by ourselves here, it stands to reason that you would say, "You know what? You're there. You make the daily decisions for mom, financially, emotionally, etc. Big decisions can be made with all of us. Everything else, I trust that you're making the best decision for yourself and for mom." I know it's hard to give up that control but I just feel so crapped on.
None of this has been my decision, or anywhere close to what I want. Decisions are being made for me without my approval or consent, and I feel so chastised and condescended to. I'm often feeling so angry that I'm in tears at the end of the day. I don't know how to fix this.
37 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Should I butt out: Care level and difficult family dynamics?
- How do I deal with a situation where the brother moves out of country, leaving me with sole responsibility caring for elderly parents?
- Our Dad (84) has been in ALF for 6 months and met a "nice lady" and wants to get married. Any advice?
- What can be done about my brother and sister removing any flowers that I place on my parents' graves?
again, there seemingly is no actual POA. I did so some research that at least seemed to indicate you can dispute your own "incapacity", which I guess, somewhat like you're saying, your ability to do so would be an indication of that. As far as I know she never got lost while she was driving and knew enough to not go nearly so far as others who wound up either quitting driving or at least would have someone go with them, which I believe she would do, or were forced to quit even by those who also didn't drive, at least as much, so not quite sure I feel I could totally back up taking away the keys and not giving them back. What does it sound like to you? Definitely tricky, though.
But I think you may have a situation where it's the parent who's in conflict, potentially anyway, with the POA child. Depending on how you view what is really in the parent's best interests, you can either look around for an independent advocate and/or legal advice for the parent, or support the POA child and give back up for what he's trying to do (if you agree that it's the best thing for the parent, objectively speaking). Tricky one, though.
For example:
In older generations especially, parents would often automatically appoint a son rather than a daughter.
One or more children may have specific financial expertise, which could be handy.
They might just pick the oldest child.
They might avoid picking a child for the most peculiar of reasons - a tendency to pick up speeding fines, for example, or habitual lateness.
They might pick the one who starts the discussion and calls the attorney.
There is nothing *inherently* wrong with an arrangement whereby one child does hands-on care while another exercises financial power of attorney. In fact, when the relationships are good and co-operative and communication works well, this ticks lots of regulatory boxes - it helps in terms of transparency, avoiding undue influence, double-checking of spending on the parent's behalf and all sorts of things. Also, although the tasks don't really compare in terms of time or energy, holding POA is not effort-free - so it is a way of sharing in the work to be done.
But for many reasons, unfortunately, it tends to be fraught in practice. Siblings may not be as close and mutually appreciative as the ideal, for example; or if they were before they might rapidly cease to be so. Communication may go awry. The worst aspect of it in my family's case was that we had differing views of what was and was not worth paying for - it could have been a lot worse, there was no trouble over respite care or buying in support once mother became bed-bound, for example; but there were certainly things I would have bought had I been in charge of the money that just got quietly shelved instead. And the thing about that is, now that my mother has passed, of course it doesn't really matter any more; but I'm left wondering, with some bitterness, just whose interests her POAs were protecting. They've done pretty well out of their efforts.
Maybe "Go screw yourself " was a bit over the top. That is because I have absolutely NO patience with B.S. You cannot swim with one foot in the water. It is either your whole body or nothing. Therefore Big Brother is either 100% caregiver or 0%. Make a choice.
So was my response rude? Probably. Vulgar? Absolutely--but I would rather others think of me as being vulgar rather than as one who can be easily manipulated. I HATE manipulators. They attack and abuse the vulnerable--and get pleasure from their actions. Enough already.
My mom got diagnosed when I was about age 24. I truly didn't know how long this disease can last. My mom slowly went through the stages of accusations, aggressive attacks to sun downing and wandering off. One day, she woke up and couldn't walk. Bedridden for over 13 years. Went from choking on food, to liquid,etc.. In all these years, dad and I kept asking his 7 other kids for help. It was mainly just dad and I.
3 years ago, the stress finally affected him. He had a minor stroke but he had NO desire to do physical therapy. He's now bedridden. And now I had 2 bedridden parents and a full time job. and Not One of my 7 siblings offered to help me. Mom finally died a year later. I've been helping dad caregive mom for 23 years. And dad is beginning his journey down the road of senility....
Warning: do not move in! When I tried to leave both bedridden parents, to move out and have oldest brother of next door to step up and do his duty- my siblings told me that in the law's eyes, I am the caregiver. To walk away is abandonment and elderly neglect.... Whatever you do, don't move in. Your brother sounds just as wily as my brother.
On the other hand, not to go to extremes: it *can* be done, and it is survivable, and I might even go so far as to say it was worth it; but do not sacrifice a cent to do it, and be very clear about what your mother's staying at home would involve before you agree to anything. Caring for your mother in her home until the end of her life (may that day never dawn) will cost you mentally, physically and emotionally, and only you can decide whether the reward (which is real, it's true) is worth it. But why the h*ll should it cost you money too?
For clarification:
- I do not use her credit card. She uses her own credit card, and I have her debit card, specifically for things like an unexpected bill, or groceries for her on my way to her house, or if she says she needs me to get some cash out for her. We do not share bank accounts, but I do take care of paying her bills on time.
- I don't live with her. I live with my boyfriend about 20 minutes away from her. There had been talk of the two of us moving in with her (meaning he and I talked about it. Then I made the mistake of telling my brothers and they took off like a shot with that plan, though it was made clear it had only been a discussion of "what ifs"), because she cannot be on her own much longer.
- Babalou says what I'm thinking - I am quite scared of "negotiating", because our family is NOTORIOUS for waiting and analyzing and waiting some more and never actually pulling a trigger. If I say, "Okay, I can do this for another year.", I am fairly certain that it will just continue indefinitely. I keep hearing "soon". And then I hear, "Give it another 6 months there, she doesn't want to move here right now.". I just feel like it's slowly backing me into a corner because hey, am I going to be the jackass daughter who uproots her into a new place when she's truly too far gone? Of course not.
- Countrymouse - I appreciate your hackles. :-) And your advice, too, of course. It's comforting (though truly sad, in a way) that I'm not the only one who is or has been in this spot.
I wonder if having the medical MPOA might tie her in a bit, too.
Tricky one, whichever way you slice it.
Snottiness from people with financial POA is something I had to endure too. If I'm proud of nothing else, I am proud of not having punched anybody. It was touch and go at times. Like you, I was conscientious and reasonably organised (it got better with practice) about expenses; but it's the sanctimoniousness with which they wield the fine-toothed comb that just gets up the nose, don't you find? And, yes, I couldn't agree more, the insulting attitude that you're good enough to do the donkey work but not to be trusted with a bank account. It IS insulting. There! - now I've got myself all cross about it again.
The way I see it, you have two separate but equally major issues, here.
1. Where your mother is to live, and how she is to be cared for. Until such time as she has lost capacity, which is not likely to be that soon, this decision is for your mother to make. However. If your mother's plan relies heavily on your co-operation, unless you consent to it then she will have to come up with another. No one can force you to commit to it.
2. The great Responsibility v. Authority debate. At the moment, you are in the untenable position of being held responsible for your mother's welfare, with no authority to back it up. Your email to your brother could be reduced to one sentence: "responsibility without power: the prerogative of the eunuch through the ages. Not doing it."
I learned all this much too late: by the time I'd gathered the information about POAs, who had it, when they came into force and so on, I was already living in the same house as my mother and royally stuck. Moreover, mother's cognition was too frail to do anything about it, even supposing it would have been kind or sensible to reopen the debate. We live and learn.
So be warned, because you're not at that stage yet. You are well placed to think carefully about what you are and are not prepared to do in terms of caring for your mother, and what legal and financial tools you will need to do that much. But a tip for negotiations: don't present a position and say it's non-negotiable. Instead, ask what is required of you and ask your brother what he would do in your position. It's a negotiation, remember, not the last word. Practice detachment, too, and hold tight to your sense of humour, particularly when a proposal is being imposed on you that is absurd to the point where no one who didn't have 'welcome' tattooed on her forehead would agree to it.
Your other brother - tchah. Just tchah. I've got one like that, too.
Let us know how you're getting on. This will get better, just mind your boundaries. Hugs to you.
He may have expected to live his life with his parents as a single child, then along come 2 other siblings. We have no idea how he felt about that. We don't know if your parents had to make financial sacrifices in order to raise the two of you while your older brother was almost an adult.
If he resented you and your younger brother, he may still harbor that resentment. It may also be that he had to help your parents raise you and he still feels the need to maintain that control. There could be so many factors from those earlier years, and I suspect many of them are ingrained.
I am her medical POA, and yes, I will definitely check with an estate attorney on what he's able to do as a financial POA out of state.
What I'm HOPING will happen with that eventual email is that he'll say, "Well, I'm not comfortable giving up that control." and I can say, "Okay. She will be moving to Texas, then." Being in control of all things, for him, for dad - that's priority number one. I believe at the end of the day, that it's the only way they know to take care of their loved ones, but if often gets lost in translation with people who are just as strong and unwilling to take a backseat.
I might also double check on the mom's DPOA and Healthcare POA. See if brother is legally able to operate as POA as an out of state resident. I think that if there is real estate, he may be limited in what he can do without having an agent in the mother's state. An Estate Attorney should be able to confirm that.
It's good that you wrote the DRAFT e-mail to get some anger out, and you can keep doing that if it makes you feel good, but DO NOt send it. KISS is the better philosophy, as Babalou demonstrates.
I would also add that you cannot under any circumstances care for your mother without financial control. Therefore, under the circumstances by which he maintains and has continued to consolidate financial control, you feel it would be better if he assumed physical control for your mother.
You could add that this would be a great option because it will allow her the opportunity to have more contact with her grandchildren.
Don't give him anything about which to get angry or fight with you; but do put the burden on him to affirm that he's not giving up financial control. And above all, make it clear that you cannot and will not continue to care for Mom under the existing circumstances.
Keep rewriting the e-mail until you get it down to less sentences, ones that are neutral, not angry, but that convey your message.
And in the meantime, you can look for a place near you as well as advise him that you're also looking for an attorney to draft a DPOA and Advanced Directive in the event that you do continue care.
Good luck. I know this isn't an easy thing to do.
Best regards
Also, you seem to say that you would be willing keep your mother near you and to take on the role of caregiver if you are given the authority to do so, didn't you say that you feared taking on the burden of caregiving alone because your family supports were so far away?
"Okay. I love you so much, but here's where I'm at. I am not interested in playing this game with you for the next 10 years. It's unacceptable. You either trust me implicitly and respect me - as I do you - or you don't. If you don't, then okay, that's your choice; I will be moving her to Texas on my own, and putting her up in the best facility closest to you that I can find. I am not interested in stealing money from our ailing mother, and everything you're doing is indicative that you think otherwise. This is not okay - it's illogical, hurtful, and such a disgusting idea that it makes my stomach churn. She will not live here if this problem continues. I will not be moving in with her if this problem continues.
This is a terrible situation that we've all been put in, and I know that you, much like Dad, need to feel in control of all situations. I know it's hard for you to see me as an adult; after all, you changed my diapers. I know that Mom's decline is scary and heartbreaking and sometimes, that control is all you've got to keep you from feeling like your world is crumbling. I so often feel that way.
Unfortunately, it's not an acceptable situation the way it is now. It is up to you to decide the next step. This is your choice, but she will not live here if that is the road you continue to take. I will not lose my relationship with you over this, but I'm also not going to be the person who's good enough to be the caregiver but not good enough to be trusted with anything else.
None of this is up for compromise. I love you, very much."
Having watching my mom care for several of my grandparents when we were children (and having been emotionally neglected as a result), I think the natural habitat of the elder in need of care is a facility, the same way that the natural habitat of a school aged child is school. Human beings, even the least sociable among us, do better in groups than we do with a single worn out caregiver.
Ask your mom if she'd like to move to Texas. If she says yes, he should step to the plate and start doing some real caregiving.