Family has always been so important to mom. Since young adulthood I've hosted family events to bring us together and in doing so created lovely memories. I never let on that these parties were a way to "forced" my siblings to visit my parents b/c they were clearly not coming of their own accord for any holiday i.e. Mother's Day, Christmas etc. Long ago mom and I discussed her wishes for her elder years. Her health has been declining for the last 5 yrs and gotten much worse over the last 2. Caring for her is tough but I feel it is the last gift I can give her. My siblings rarely visit and live 3 hrs away. I handle every aspect of her finances and care. When we had a family meeting about her health last year I respectfully asked for them to visit b/c she misses them. Nothing changed. During all of this I have not been able to devote time to my husband, children, home and have missed time from work. When I felt I was going to break I called and directly asked them to coordinate their time to come every 3 months to give me one weekend off - reasonable? No! Now they won't speak to me, have blocked me on social media and blame me for changing everything b/c of "the phone call". I understand their own guilt drives their behavior and that blame is a way of easing thier feelings, even so this is so undeserved. I will never feel the same about them. I have shown them so much love and have even made excuses for their lack of involvement. But now I am full of hurt. That me, the one who has done so much and is now doing everything for mom is so meligned...it is heartbreaking.
My heart is in my boots reading your post and then your further responses. The thing is, what's new? I don't feel your siblings have changed very much. You propped up their creaky relationship with your mother, you can't do it any longer, you ask them to do one small thing in return, they walk away.
They are rubbish children, and you are not.
And why are they being so vicious to you and self-justifying about it? Because your example makes them feel bad.
It is really sad, and I echo the suggestions that you MUST find support elsewhere, but I don't feel you've lost anything. They were never there, and they're still not there. No change. Your siblings have lost out; but then that's their choice and their problem. Forgive them if your faith asks that, and then put them to one side. Leave it to them.
Our mom needed to be in a nursing home, but that wasn't possible as long as she hovered over Mother. Now, my sister is gone and Mother is the life of the party at the local nursing home. Who knew? We certainly didn't.
Its not just my siblings too.. its my Moms siblings (who are much younger then her) who swore to me that if my parents just moved in closer that they would do this and that for them ... spend time with them.. well none of that has happened.
This is really changing my view of family.. at least my family. I really had an idea that when the going gets rough family will be there.. and that belief has completely been shattered for me. I just don't get how they can put there head in the sand and allow members of their family.. their flesh and blood to suffer in this way.
Like you... I am not asking for them to take over their care.. just to step in so I can have a day off, just to care and recognize how difficult my life and their life has gotten. I am asking for minimal assistance and care. I am begging for them to visit or even call.
I am at the point that I realize their help is not coming. Thankfully, my parents can afford to pay for some home care.. so I am in the process of finding outside care for them. Its still going to be hard for me and mom... but we cannot do this ourselves.. and neither can you.
Just wanted to chime in because I see a few posts defending these sibs with their heads in the sand... Chin up ... you are not alone! ;)
Contact your local agency on aging or Mom's doctor about services she might be eligible for that can give you a little relief. You do have to take care of yourself first and then your own family. It may be time to look at other living arrangements for Mom. It is a rough journey, I wish you well!
I would definitely not do anymore forced parties. They don't deserve it.
How old is your mom? How exactly has her health gotten worse over the past two years?
Does your mother have any resources to pay for some caregivers to come to the house and tend to her so that you can get a break?
What does your husband think and feel about all of this? Have the two of you talked in depth about your mother's need for care, your taking this on all yourself, and how this is impacting and has already impacted your marriage over the past 5 years as well as how things need to be dealt with now into the future and how this is impacting and has already impacted your children as well as how things need to be dealt with now and into the future.
Sorry to be so in your face when you have your siblings demonizing you in your face and your mother's care in your face, but your first priority really is your husband whose not really had a wife it sounds like for 5 years and even less for the last 2 and your children who it sounds like really haven't had a mom for 5 years and even less for the last 2.
I say this as a husband who has been in this boat but not with the same exact same components, but the feeling of being a single parent although married is real and children missing their mom although in the house is real. It was a very good day when my wife set some needed boundaries with her mother and became a fully present wife and mother again.
Frankly, I hope I'm wrong with this description, but if I'm not you're walking on thin ice and it's past time to make some changes.
I wish you the best as you find your way through this mess which I'm sure you will. Come back and let us know how things are going.
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