Follow
Share

Family has always been so important to mom. Since young adulthood I've hosted family events to bring us together and in doing so created lovely memories. I never let on that these parties were a way to "forced" my siblings to visit my parents b/c they were clearly not coming of their own accord for any holiday i.e. Mother's Day, Christmas etc. Long ago mom and I discussed her wishes for her elder years. Her health has been declining for the last 5 yrs and gotten much worse over the last 2. Caring for her is tough but I feel it is the last gift I can give her. My siblings rarely visit and live 3 hrs away. I handle every aspect of her finances and care. When we had a family meeting about her health last year I respectfully asked for them to visit b/c she misses them. Nothing changed. During all of this I have not been able to devote time to my husband, children, home and have missed time from work. When I felt I was going to break I called and directly asked them to coordinate their time to come every 3 months to give me one weekend off - reasonable? No! Now they won't speak to me, have blocked me on social media and blame me for changing everything b/c of "the phone call". I understand their own guilt drives their behavior and that blame is a way of easing thier feelings, even so this is so undeserved. I will never feel the same about them. I have shown them so much love and have even made excuses for their lack of involvement. But now I am full of hurt. That me, the one who has done so much and is now doing everything for mom is so meligned...it is heartbreaking.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

70 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3
Wow, Aubrey, I feel your pain. Two of my sisters, the two I was actually closest with, turned on me when I asked for support in taking care of our mother. I never asked for actual weekends or time off from any of them, just support. I think what you asked was eminently reasonable but your sibs need to rationalize in their minds why they aren't willing to do it so they're blaming you. One of my sisters did that. Basically guilted me like "you committed to taking care of Mom and now you're backing out," neither part of which was true. I stepped up to help out when help was needed; I did not go around to my siblings and say "Don't worry, I've got Mom covered in every way for all eternity, you'll never be called upon to help." And even if I had said that, things change. People overestimate what they can do and underestimate the strain and drain it's going to be on them. Your siblings are behaving like hassoles and are supporting each other in it. Mine do to. I too was full of hurt for a long time. The hurt gradually eased, but I know I'll never feel the same about them.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report
I am so sorry this has happened. If you haven't read other posts here along the same lines; it could be helpful. You are not alone! You can't change people and allowing the hurt and anger to linger will only affect you, physically and emotionally. Believe me, it isn't bothering your siblings. They strike out at you to make themselves seem the victims.

Contact your local agency on aging or Mom's doctor about services she might be eligible for that can give you a little relief. You do have to take care of yourself first and then your own family. It may be time to look at other living arrangements for Mom. It is a rough journey, I wish you well!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Some footnotes: Mom regrets/resents giving up her former independence such as driving. At age 88 we discussed it with her doctor and gave her the choice, there had been several mishaps + it was just too dangerous to continue. She has had 2 small strokes that we know of and shows some signs of dementia. It has come to my attention that she has been complaining to my sibs that I've taken away her control i.e. driving, her finances etc.and at times indicates that I am mean to her. This is so far from the truth, I only stepped in once the help was needed. I love her dearly and have always been her closest confidant. These days she is often child-like and ignores me when I'm with her however when one of my siblings calls she's chatty and sparkles. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I've asked my siblings to read up on eldercare and normal family dymanics but so far they haven't or won't. My husband has written them off and is disgusted by their behavior but as a Christain and their sibling I still struggle to believe they would treat me this way.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Unfortunately, what you are describing is not rare and happens to a lot of us that make the choice (or get stuck not by choice) caring for our parents. My siblings have been useless. Each time I've asked for some help, or even some support by just listening, they've turned on me and attacked. They just don't want to be bothered, don't have the time to visit, and certainly aren't going to help care for mom. They are just waiting for the estate to be disbursed, and will be first in line to collect the money. I have news for them: it will all be gone long before mom dies, since there isn't enough to pay for all the care she will need. Because they aren't living with mom's situation and don't have to deal with the daily realities of what is happening to your parent, it's "out of sight and out of mind". It must be nice to be that sibling. But these are also usually the same people that spend the rest of their lives complaining about their regrets. Chin up, you know you are doing the right thing, and you have to give yourself a pat on the back every day, since it sounds like there isn't someone else around to do that.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
Caregiving is such a tough job and only those who do it can really understand. I say, if you ask for help from your siblings and they refuse, then you have to accept it and move on. I have hosted family parties for years in an effort to give Mom and our family some good memories. This year, I decided to forget all the parties, do what I can for Mom as the only caregiver and forget the rest...we are only human. We can't change anyone but ourselves. I'm done with my siblings being 'victims' while Mom's heath declines. Focus on helping Mom and yourself; make memories of this. I'm learning to accept the reality of the situation...I don't have to like it, but I also don't have to chose to be angry and resentful.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Aubrey, this is terrible. As hard as it is to do, try to let go of the resentment and anger at your siblings for its like holding on to poison that in the long run will only hurt you and do nothing to them.

I would definitely not do anymore forced parties. They don't deserve it.

How old is your mom? How exactly has her health gotten worse over the past two years?

Does your mother have any resources to pay for some caregivers to come to the house and tend to her so that you can get a break?

What does your husband think and feel about all of this? Have the two of you talked in depth about your mother's need for care, your taking this on all yourself, and how this is impacting and has already impacted your marriage over the past 5 years as well as how things need to be dealt with now into the future and how this is impacting and has already impacted your children as well as how things need to be dealt with now and into the future.

Sorry to be so in your face when you have your siblings demonizing you in your face and your mother's care in your face, but your first priority really is your husband whose not really had a wife it sounds like for 5 years and even less for the last 2 and your children who it sounds like really haven't had a mom for 5 years and even less for the last 2.

I say this as a husband who has been in this boat but not with the same exact same components, but the feeling of being a single parent although married is real and children missing their mom although in the house is real. It was a very good day when my wife set some needed boundaries with her mother and became a fully present wife and mother again.

Frankly, I hope I'm wrong with this description, but if I'm not you're walking on thin ice and it's past time to make some changes.

I wish you the best as you find your way through this mess which I'm sure you will. Come back and let us know how things are going.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Thanks for the footnotes. They help explain what is at the bottom of your siblings demonizing you that is your mother's resentment and anger has flowed over into her conversations with them about you and has painted you in a bad way to them. I hope that you have said something to your mother about this at least that you know what she is doing. That's one way she's dealing with her anger/frustration. The other way is your description of her ignoring you when you are around, but being so chatty when one of the siblings calls on the phone. All of the above is passive aggressive emotional blackmail. and it's coming at you from two directions. That is quite a mess.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
I truly feel your pain, but I love your comment about "Caring for her is tough but I feel it is the last gift I can give her". This comes from a beautiful, giving heart. Try to get over the hurt because things probably won't change. Your mother is probably hurt to that they don't visit her and may be blaming you, but this may change. It finally did for me and now my Mother understands and accepts that it is just the two of us. Sending you loving thoughts and prayers.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Thank you for your kind words and support. This site is new to me, thank goodness I found you! I know I'm having a blue day today... pitty party, table for one!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I am sorry that you are having a hard time. You need to take care of yourself. Where will your mom be, if something happens to you? Maybe she could go to a care facility, and give you a respite for a few days. If not, she could outlive you. You just can't do the job of a full-time medical staff. Trying to, killed my sister.

Our mom needed to be in a nursing home, but that wasn't possible as long as she hovered over Mother. Now, my sister is gone and Mother is the life of the party at the local nursing home. Who knew? We certainly didn't.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Hello, your situation is very common as many others including myself have this same problem with siblings not wanting to be involved in any aspect of support for mom. I have been hinting around for help from my brother and his wife for years but to no avail. Brother's wife finally got so mad at me, she blocked me from emailing her and refuses to talk to me when I call to tell my brother the health condition of mine and his mother. I am sole caregiver as well and have been doing this job for 10 years now. I know what it feels like to be abandoned by family when you need some help. This past Christmas I was so upset at my brother and his wife and from keeping all of the pent up emotions I was feeling inside that I just couldn't stand it any longer and I wrote them a very nasty Christmas card. I hope it doesn't come down to that for you because now I regret it. They hate me and it will be very uncomfortable for us all should they miraculously call or want to visit. But at the time I felt they should know what was going on here and how desperately I need their help. They act like they don't know what to do to help since they feel they have a legitimate excuse like living 4 hours away. For one thing, mom is on a very limited income and so am I since I am unemployed, so common sense tells me that they could at least send a little money to help with mom's meds or just to help buy groceries occasionally. Afterall, my brother owns his own home and has published 10 books of which he still receives royalties from so what is the problem here? I am very sad for your situation and for the others when they ask this same question. God bless you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Hi Aubrey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel. I too am the one that is doing virtually 100% of the care giving for my father with my two sisters contributing almost nothing. First of all, be proud of yourself for what you are doing. Second of all, no its not too much to ask to try to get one weekend for yourself every once in a while. Your siblings sound very selfish that they cannot coordinate to give you some time off once in a while. I do agree with the others, look into some type of caregiver or assisted living or similar situation. It will give you a break once in a while. You do need to take care of yourself. Apparently your siblings do not care that you have no time to yourself so you need to take matters into your own hands. Look into some kind of care so that you can get a break once in a while. Take a step back and know that you are in a very difficult and trying situation and your siblings are offering no support at all. You do need to take care of yourself and your own family. You do deserve a break and some time to yourself. Please take care of yourself and be proud of being the better person.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Aubrey, I assume your Mom lives with you. Lets look from the other side of the coin, do your siblings think Mom should be in a continuing care facility? If yes, but you rather have Mom living with you, maybe this is their type of tough love by not helping out, so that you will eventually decide sooner than later maybe they are right. That in itself tells me why they won't give you a weekend break. Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Freqflyer, I think you are on to something here...It could be that the siblings are thinking something like this: Aubrey has always been Mom's favorite so will side with Mom and not work with us. Mom should be in assisted living.

Also, for sure, if my siblings tried to set up forced family meetings, you would have seen World War III! Thanks, but Mom is an adult, I'm an adult and we will conduct our relationship ourselves, so if you are playing Mommy's little helper, you can butt out. I know this is harsh, but I've seen too many dysfunctional families where one sibling has been favored, the others resent it, and frankly now that they are adults, the family should fracture. It could be the "nice" memories are nightmares to others in the family.

Now, if we are talking about fairness in necessary financial support, that is a different matter. But I believe that the decision to go "no" or "low" contact should be respected. Best thing to do here it seems to me is to look into respite care options. Would county office of aging have any options for low-income seniors? Day care for adults? Church groups? You might have more success going this route, than trying to rope in siblings.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Wow, I'm so thankful for your responses to my thread from this morning. When I wrote I tried to boil the story down to the basics...I'm sure you understand because these family stories "have stories"....and who has time to read a novel? In December after running myself completely ragged I wised up, sought financial guidance and began spending mom's money (and their inheritance) on the most highly recommended local sitters. As of the new year mom has excellent care for a portion of each day. I am so grateful for that help. However the sibling issues that prompted me to write this morning continue, what's almost laughable is that the time quickly passed where my siblings could have driven 3 hours to give me a weekend break for a whooping 3 times a year...and horray for me, I'm still the bad guy. Reading your stories breaks my heart but at the same time makes me feel that I am in a fellowship I'm finding that I am stronger than them
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
The AL my mom was in had some lovely rooms/Apts just for respite care use at a per night rate. Perhaps you could check into that? Regarding your siblings - you are projecting onto to them what you wish they WOULD do. But, they haven't chosen to take care of Mom - you did. You made your choice and they made theirs. Some people just aren't cut out to be caregivers and they know it. I'm afraid you are going to have to use community resources for help. Don't be afraid to use Mom's money for her care. Just keep careful records.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Yes you are.

My heart is in my boots reading your post and then your further responses. The thing is, what's new? I don't feel your siblings have changed very much. You propped up their creaky relationship with your mother, you can't do it any longer, you ask them to do one small thing in return, they walk away.

They are rubbish children, and you are not.

And why are they being so vicious to you and self-justifying about it? Because your example makes them feel bad.

It is really sad, and I echo the suggestions that you MUST find support elsewhere, but I don't feel you've lost anything. They were never there, and they're still not there. No change. Your siblings have lost out; but then that's their choice and their problem. Forgive them if your faith asks that, and then put them to one side. Leave it to them.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
it isnt uncommon for an old demented person to speak badly of everyone around them except who theyre talking to on the phone at the time . ya know theyre reverting back to near infant mentality and youre going to see some pretty eyebrow raising behavior from them at times .
if youve chosen to care for your mom , you cant guilt or coerce siblings into helping . theyre jealous and want to see you crash and burn . i think pretending NOT to need them resolves that crap once and for all and they will soon slink in to continue their relationships with their mom in the way that theyre most comfortable with . when they do , give them space and privacy . every kid has a different relationship with the parent .
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
freqflyer and rovana your assumptions are off base. I'm not the favored child but I am the child who is willing to roll up my sleeves and take on a difficult task. I will do my best to see that my mother's wishes are carried out. A more accurate appraisal is that my mother wisely saw in me someone who would respect her wishes and who would not let her down. I'm no goodie two shoes, I'm flawed and fiesty and compassionate too. I'm not a glory hog and certainly no push over. For those of you with kinder words and understanding hearts I thank you again.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Same here, Aubrey - I'm way down the pecking order! I don't think it works like that, anyway. Captain is completely right that every kid has a different relationship with its parent, and after all it's an emotional, not a rational, bond. All things are not equal, give and take. You just have to make your own choices.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
It makes me a little crazy when I hear people say "Your siblings didn't choose to take care of your parent. You did." Reality in most cases is, someone has to do it, and all siblings are equally responsible for the parent. I don't like that result either, because I think all relationships should be voluntary and all obligations should be chosen. But that's the reality.

The further reality, I think, is that nobody makes these decisions in a vacuum. Aubrey's decision to step up allowed the other siblings to step back. Their refusal to step up leaves her stuck with no opportunity to step back, even temporarily. Siblings can't make these choices independently - what would happen to Mom if Aubrey made the same decision as her siblings?

The issue about putting a parent into care is sometimes valid but often a red herring. It doesn't sound like Aubrey's siblings are favoring that. My own siblings aren't favoring that at all, because Mom can't afford it, my siblings would have to contribute financially, and nobody is willing to. It sounds like Aubrey's siblings just don't want their comfortable lives (or ideas) disrupted. They believe Aubrey will and should take care of Mom without help, and they don't want to reconsider that because it doesn't work for them. I can't respect that as an "independent" decision that they're entitled to make as adults. They know somebody has to help Mom every day - they just don't want it to be them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Thank you CarlaCB for the wise words. I've been surprised by two of the comments...for one thing mom is no longer an "adult" the phrase "once a man, twice a child" certainly applies in my situation. We did not have an Ozzie & Harriett childhood but it could have been a heck of a lot worse. No one can "get their pound of flesh" for hurts of the past. Though when the "phone call" occurred my sib trotted out 40 year old reasons to justify his position (dad cheated, mom cried, they fought...it was terribly painful but sadly pretty standard '60's stuff for God's sake)...pull your big boy pants on. Head in sand seems to be their comfort zone. BTW when we had the family meeting last year, they called it not me. So during their 5 hour Mother's Day visit when I thought we were going to discuss mom's declining health...their first question was "what are mom's assests?" and it wasn't b/c they wanted to brainstorm on care options. You can't make this up!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Oh I believe you Aubrey because I am in the exact same position. Siblings trotting out every excuse and acting as if they aren't close to mom and dad like me because of this or that (again 40 year old excuses). Funny thing is before their decline they seemed close to them.. sharing vacations, holidays, sending gifts, daily calls... etc.

Its not just my siblings too.. its my Moms siblings (who are much younger then her) who swore to me that if my parents just moved in closer that they would do this and that for them ... spend time with them.. well none of that has happened.

This is really changing my view of family.. at least my family. I really had an idea that when the going gets rough family will be there.. and that belief has completely been shattered for me. I just don't get how they can put there head in the sand and allow members of their family.. their flesh and blood to suffer in this way.

Like you... I am not asking for them to take over their care.. just to step in so I can have a day off, just to care and recognize how difficult my life and their life has gotten. I am asking for minimal assistance and care. I am begging for them to visit or even call.

I am at the point that I realize their help is not coming. Thankfully, my parents can afford to pay for some home care.. so I am in the process of finding outside care for them. Its still going to be hard for me and mom... but we cannot do this ourselves.. and neither can you.

Just wanted to chime in because I see a few posts defending these sibs with their heads in the sand... Chin up ... you are not alone! ;)
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
It really infuriates me when I read posts that seem to justify neglect by siblings "who chose not to be caregivers", like that somehow makes it OK. It does not. Taking care of our parents is our shared responsibility, regardless of who was the favorite, birth order, etc. The POA should be handling the primary responsibilities, but all the children have a role and part to play and the most important role those other siblings have is supporting the one that is doing most or all of the work! Children who "chose not to take care of their parents" are, as it's been posted above, just "rubbish children, and you are not." I also take offense at comments supporting siblings that think the caregiver is trying to hang onto the parent and not put them in assisted living, etc. Baloney! I really doubt anyone that is caring for parent and is truly overwhelmed by it, would balk at the chance to remove themselves from it and get their parents the care they really need. Most of the people that are complaining about lazy good-for-nothing siblings have good reasons to feel that way. We need to respond to each other with support and comraderie, not accusations and support for the offending NON CAREGIVER siblings. After all, we're not taking care of our parents for ourselves or to get something from it -- it is ALL GIVING and little or no receiving. And this forum is for CAREGIVER support, not lazy siblings. I'm living through almost exactly the same situation, so Aubrey, I completely understand and didn't those posts just make you sigh with disgust?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Well, think about it, Zookeeper. I have seven siblings. Only one helped me with my Mom. When people write into this site asking what to do because they are overwhelmed, what do we tell them? Contact state agencies, assisted living, hire caregivers, etc. Those options are available at the BEGINNING of the caregiving process, as well. The OP could have chosen to go that route then, instead of when she got overwhelmed. The siblings, regardless of their "responsibility", did not wish to go down that path. I wish I had been as wise but, no, I jumped in thinking I could save the day! All I did was lose several years of my life with considerable persecution from the non-helpers.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Wow Aubrey, that is funny that you mentioned that your siblings start telling you about things that your mother might have done wrong 40 years ago as their reason for not chipping in now. My sister says the same exact thing about my father. He's not perfect, but he wasn't a bad father, and my sister starts talking about things that my father did back in the 70's as her reason for not chipping in today. It is pathetic. I think at some point you have to just forgive, grow up and move on.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
"When people write into this site asking what to do because they are overwhelmed, what do we tell them? Contact state agencies, assisted living, hire caregivers, etc. Those options are available at the BEGINNING of the caregiving process, as well."

Okay, let me state the obvious. Just because we make these suggestions doesn't mean these options are actually available to most overwhelmed caregivers, at the beginning or the process or at any other time. If my mother could afford assisted living or paid help, or if there were resources available for free in the community, I would not be taking care of her, and I would not be resentful of siblings who refuse to help. The reality is, there aren't free services available to most people in most places (at least not the type the parent needs) and many people can't afford assisted living or hired help. We checked into all these things in my mother's case. Either not available or not affordable. Many, many caregivers are in this position.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Aubrey - sorry for my comment - like most people what comes to my mind is from situations with which I'm familiar - I was thinking of one where money was not problem, but Mom did not want to go into a home. So her son decided that Mom's preferences were to be followed - he did get caregivers, but what they were trying to do really was the kind of nursing that takes three shifts of caregivers. Of course, that kind of set up was not working very well because the caregivers could not always be on time, etc. etc. Basically, what was needed was a nursing home and it simply was not fair that he was trying to rope in his sibs into a home-hospital type of situation. But, I'll stand by my statement that no one should be forced into hands-on care as long as they are willing to meet their responsibility by contracting out. Unfortunately, I believe that bad, neglectful, even abusive parents are all too common and it is not realistic to treat this as a "rare, hardly ever happens and can be ignored" issue, like "what do I feed the Queen of England for tea?" I'd at least consider that the child that refuses involvement might be justified. Now it seems that you are not in that situation, so I apologize for any assumption that you might be. I simply did not know all the facts.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
You are your own worst enemy. Why are you trying to gain the love and respect from siblings who obviously do not care for you nor your mother? They have shown by their past behaviors they really don't care a hoot who happens to you, and you must realize continuing to force a relationship with them is futile. Direct all your love and devotion to your own family, your mother, and hire some help for when you need respite. We choose friends, we do not choose our siblings. We have a similar situation you and I as my three sisters have been hateful to me, and I had to stop all communication with them. I feel so much better because they were toxic to my life, and my best suggestion to you is, you don't need their approval for anything. You are great just the way you are. Keep taking care of your family and your mother, and you will be rewarded when it counts. Stop trying to analyze why they do the things they do. Their actions speak volumes.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Aubrey,

This is an all too common problem written about on this site. I would encourage your mother to be in direct contact with this no show children. If she is also given the run around, then she will know exactly where she stands with them. I would make no excuses to her about their neglect.

Meanwhile if you chose to continue with the direct care of your mother. Continue on but work a plan that allows you time for your husband and children if they are under aged. If they are of age (21 and up) they need to pitch in to the amount of time they can. I would use mom's money to find a paid caregiver who can be with her each day or at least weekly, so you are not there 24/7 if that is what you are doing presently.

While having supportive siblings would be ideal, I would not bother with reconnecting with them if they are "fair weather siblings". Consider yourself an "only child", focus on your mother, your family and your needs. If at some point the siblings begin to offer help or visits or (God forbid assistance in paying for the home health aide costs or equipment to keep Mom home--take it). However, they seldom reconsider and step up to the plate.

Good luck, be kind to yourself and your mom. Don't spend time or energy on those uncaring siblings.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter