Family has always been so important to mom. Since young adulthood I've hosted family events to bring us together and in doing so created lovely memories. I never let on that these parties were a way to "forced" my siblings to visit my parents b/c they were clearly not coming of their own accord for any holiday i.e. Mother's Day, Christmas etc. Long ago mom and I discussed her wishes for her elder years. Her health has been declining for the last 5 yrs and gotten much worse over the last 2. Caring for her is tough but I feel it is the last gift I can give her. My siblings rarely visit and live 3 hrs away. I handle every aspect of her finances and care. When we had a family meeting about her health last year I respectfully asked for them to visit b/c she misses them. Nothing changed. During all of this I have not been able to devote time to my husband, children, home and have missed time from work. When I felt I was going to break I called and directly asked them to coordinate their time to come every 3 months to give me one weekend off - reasonable? No! Now they won't speak to me, have blocked me on social media and blame me for changing everything b/c of "the phone call". I understand their own guilt drives their behavior and that blame is a way of easing thier feelings, even so this is so undeserved. I will never feel the same about them. I have shown them so much love and have even made excuses for their lack of involvement. But now I am full of hurt. That me, the one who has done so much and is now doing everything for mom is so meligned...it is heartbreaking.
So, don't expect it to stop even if mom were placed, it will continue until after death, and probably the rest of our lives. Just know you are not alone. My personal belief when these things happen is that they hope to wear you down so you will be rid of mom one way or the other in order to relieve their guilt for not being hands on. In addition there is also an element of jealousy that you have the personality, patience and fortitude to continue in spite of the additional stress that they cause.
Best wishes to you as you continue to fight this battle, I am rooting for you.
My point is that uncooperative, unwilling siblings will use any excuse to blame their lack of cooperation on the person actually doing the work. It's appalling and disheartening, but I've seen it over and over so I know that's how it is.
And now, naturally, with Mom in a facility both are doing their hardest to look good in the presence of others. I have had a number of discussions with staff there that understand what has occured, and now are only concerned with my mom's welfare which is what they should be doing.
The reason twisted2 insisted mom be placed, because it would cost less than living at home with me paid as her caregiver at 2k a month plus 1.5k a month for daycare program I took her to. What is mom paying now? She has had a very difficult time and the facility required a 24/7 caregiver be brought in to monitor mom's behavior, at an approximate cost of 3k a week in addition to the 6.5k a month for the facility. So, twisted dearest, be careful what you wish for. Nothing like mom doing exactly what I thought ahe would. She even tried to climb a seven foot privacy fence to get out a couple of weeks ago, only scraping her hand, thank goodness.
This is the example they are giving theirs.
Do as you can, but do not expect or demand their help, you can only commit for yourself. You can only give what you are willing to give. If you need respite, pay for it, if at all possible from Mom's assets.
That's outrageous. You should tell your sister that if she wants to see Mom she can always bring Mom to her own house for a week or two, or take her on a nice vacation. One of my sisters made the same excuse, while I was living with my mother (in a house we own together). I moved out after 9 months or so, and you know what? Sis didn't start coming around more often. It was just and excuse, like so many others in the past and now.
Your sister should be ashamed of yourself. Even if she's uncomfortable in your house, she should let herself be uncomfortable for a few hours to see her mother, and because her mother needs/wants to see her also.
My sister lives in another state. When I even hinted several years ago that we had not had a vacation since 1999 her comment was - What? You want me to take care of mom! She was highly insulted that I even hinted.... I coward out and said of course not. I even suggested to my sister that I would leave the house for a couple of days so she could spend time with mom without my husband or me here. She said absolutely not, she would not feel comfortable staying here. My sister is 72 years old, time to grow the heck up! My poor mom thinks her daughter hates her and nothing I can say can change it but I try - my sister says I am driving a wedge between them (???).... also I am wondering if my sister has the beginnings of dementia, can't remember when mom's started. My daughters see what I go through and are very supportive. I am very blessed. I have learned to get help wherever I can and as much as I can afford. Respite is $165 a day here (3day min), unfortunately my mom gets sick when she goes - the anxiety makes her physically ill - so that does not work well for me.