How to deal with siblings who don't help?

I have one sister, quick to want to place mom in a NH, but NEVER has helped. Funny......she is a CNA for a NH too.

I did the letter thing too and in it I told her she has some emotional issues and she needs help. I've asked her not to contact me until she seeks and starts receiving help because I cannot and will not deal with selfishness, and uncaring ways towards out mother. I won't deal with it.

I don't know where you are, but enlist help from other family members, your church and social services, if you can.

I'm still dealing with the fact that my bro won't let me talk or see my mom. My bro texted me on Friday to tell me to get a hold of my mom's BF to get her belongings. On Oct. 3rd, my sis texted me telling me if I wanted anything of my mom's I needed to get it by the 5th of Oct. The apt. complex said I couldn't get any of her things because I needed my mom's permission to enter her apt. or her own keys. Needless to say that my bro and sis have taken anything of sentimental value since my mom really didn't have anything of value. My bro and sis created this situation. They wouldn't step up to the plate and pitch in helping with my mom. I took care of her for 6 years. Her BF got sick and was put into a hospital. My bro called me and told me to go over to her apt. to stay with her. I stayed 2 weeks with little to no help. I have a mental disability and I had to put my foot down telling them that I won't do it. They are not going to make my life decisions just because they are older then me. I've taken care of another family member with the help of my mom when my mom was healthy. My siblings did nothing then, either. When my mom and her BF lived with me I was continually depressed. Mainly because of her BF. He used to self medicate with narcotics. I kicked him out but my mom wanted to move with him. So now I have to go on with my life knowing I will not ever see or talk to my mom again. My bro and sis are very hateful and spiteful. My bro raped me when I was a child and thinks he can still boss me and force me into doing things I can't or won't do. I can only imagine what he has told my mom as to why I haven't called or come over. I continually called just to have the phone not answered and he had moved and refuses to tell me where he lives so I can see my mom. All I can say is KARMA! May he rot in Hell.!!! My whole family feels I should be the one taking care of my mom. My father told me that she "mom" took care of me and I should do the same. Didn't she take care of my bro and sis too? Trying to put the guilt trip on me. It won't work this time. I didn't have a problem with the idea of taking care of my mom but I NEEDED help. My disability is too tough to deal with without making it worse so my bro and sis don't have to do anything. Now they have no choice. Let them see what it's like without having any help. I just know my bro has really hurt my mom not allowing her to see me or talk to me. Because I would tell her I loved her, she would cry. My bro doesn't want any drama thus, I can't speak to her. Almost been 8 weeks now. Again, KARMA!!!! Thanks for listening.

Thanks, rovana. Yes, mom was very abusive to sis and me all through growing up. That's why we both left and married at age 16 (which was just as bad as home life) I forgave mom a long time ago..didn't say I've forgotten, I will never, ever forget. You just can't when are raised that way. But brothers were golden children and she NEVER, ever abused them. My oldest brother died when he was 30 ..drunk driver hit him. But my youngest brother who is almost 50 now..is only 15 min. from mom. Mom helped him the most. She helped him raise his family because his wife never worked. She babysat, held big Christmas parties, etc. spent lots of time with him and his family..gave him money each week...for over 20 years! So, I just don't understand how he could "write her off". Believe me, sometimes I want to. But, why won't he even care one itsy bit??? I understand sister not wanting anything to do with mom because she doesn't have Jesus in her life (is an alcoholic) and never forgave mom. The sad part is when Christmas or her birthday or Mother's Day rolls around and I am there with her gift, she always says..."Oh, this is from brother!!"....I used to say..."yes" but NOW I tell her the truth. They've ALL been from ME only for 6.5 years.

I've come to this conclusion,... No matter if you call to let the sibs know what is happening, or if their parent has an emergency, or even being hospitalized!! They "STILL" won't come!! The benefits aren't there to be given anymore?!!! As I have heard here before, they just DON'T care! I for one, am through wasting my time and money, and my parents happiness! Especially on people who are so selfish that they forsake the people who bore them!!! I can't even call them "family" except on paper. I had to harden myself to this fact in my husbands case, because this is happening with his family right now! If you don't it will eat you alive, just like the rotten sibs want!!!! Take care of yourself and those YOU know care for you and your family...! Godbless

You know there is no answer to this question, because there shouldn't be one.
I've tried all of the above information and nothing helps. I just go on do what I have to for my Mom. God is my all and all in this situation. All of the thing besides life that her and God has given, they don't appreicate. I have no life, my kids are worried about my health trying to see about their grandmother. It's just me and my two boys and two nieces: behind six children and 26 grand children.

You need to get POA and a caregivers contract asap! I went thru (still am) the same thing. Good luck

Have you ever heard the saying, "one mother can take care of 4 children but 4 children cannot take care of one mother". Yeah it hurts. Yeah it's exhausting and hard. I know; my sister does squat but criticize, and she has Power of Attorney!!! Insane; she lives 15 miles away, has no clue about what my husband, daughter and I deal with daily and yet has the fricking nerve to be cold, distant and butt in with criticism. Try to put it out of your mind; pretend that you are the only sibling and try to move on. Yes, I know it's easier said than done, but your parent truly, truly needs you. Be there for them! Get all the help you can from strangers: there are some fabulous groups out there. Contact your local hospital. There's a website that is a godsend: The National Family Caregivers Assn. And remember, you aren't alone!! We're always here for you to vent and each person here cares for you in your horrific dilemma.

Boy can i relate to this i came from a family of 12 and the bad part about this all the girls are in nursing with one nurse..i took care of my parents and with my mother a few girls help but when my dad needed it the sister that was living there skip out cause dad was in dementia and she didnt want to care for him..but when it was time to split the money OH BOY!! they were there, but i quit asking and the only time they did come around when they needed to borrow some money from dad..i had outside help came in. and even a few gr kids help..yea i quit asking it was making me crazy but i got used to to it i took care of my fathee to the end..but they all reap what the soulk trust me all my sibling are having issues..HONOR THY MOTHER AND FATHER IS WHAT I SAY

One of my bothers took $17000 from my mom and then dumped her in a horrible nursing home, the other brother lives far away and does text once in a while checking on her. I choose to take her in, it is my decision and I can't hold it against them for not helping.

My sister has money and I'm disabled with fibromyalgia and arthritis. I wanted mom to com to my home and stay with us. Aging I called and could get several caregivers for care. She controls all her care. Mom fell 3 weeks ago and had have hip replacement she was taken by ambulance from rural area to Kansas City. Mom's mind started 3 years ago dementia and mri I showed mini strokes and my sister is in denial!! She controls everything and takes meds away. I do what I can, course not enough. Having illness of my own is bad. Wednesday I go for surgery as out patient 3rd time in 2 months. I love my mother dearly but I got take care of myself. I feel terrible I can't do more. I call daily twice day or even more, you have to tell your name and I always tell her how much I love her and always mom did you say your prayers and she says yes I do say my prayers! I love my mom an one of the hardest thing to go through!

My sister lives 2 hours away, and my brother 2 states away. My brother has seen and called my mother a LOT more often than my sister, but obviously I can't rely on him for any "real" day-to-day help, but the fact that he makes the effort to visit when he can, etc. helps somewhat. My sister is always making excuses as to why she "can't" (translate: won't) help. After being a headstrong independent woman her entire life, she is suddenly "unable" to drive more than 1/2 hour away from her house if her husband can't go with her. My mom had hip surgery the beginning of september...sis hasn't called her or visited her once. She'll ask me how mom is doing - i'll tell her to call her and ask her herself. I'll complain about my inability to get a job because of all of the dr. appointments mom has, the amount of time she takes up in my day, etc. and i'm met with dead silence. ONCE she told me she's sorry that "you have to go through all of this by yourself." I said "hmm...that's funny because I thought Mom had THREE children..." Needless to say I don't ask anymore, I just seethe with anger and resentment and the next time she asks ME for any help (she had the nerve to complain that they needed help with their bathroom sheetrock once), I'll rattle off the mental list I am building up of the things that I needed help with for mom & that she ignored! It's not worth the time and effort asking her anymore.

I know the honor thy mother and father. I feel in my heart I have for my mom.Her BF was even able to move in with us in that six years I took care of my mom. I wanted my mom to be happy although her BF and I didn't like each other. I had to take care of him as well. He is addicted to pain meds, narcotics. Gets them from the VA. He was hospitalized and my bro decided to take her from her apt, her BF and me. I can't imagine the confusion and frustration she must be going through. It makes me ill realizing I may never see my mom alive again. All because my siblings wouln't step up to the plate and help. They would rather tell me how to live my life and since I have a disability, as my bro says, "I would love to just sit on my butt all day." He contributed to my mental illness by raping me as a child. I feel no guilt because I know I did the BEST I could taking care of my mom without any help from my bro and sis. Now it's time for them to step up to the plate and do their part. I love my mom more than she'll ever know. My bro and sis have sent mean text messages and I have cut off all communication. They started texting my roommates cell phone. She has changed the number. They don't want anything to do with me other than to be abusive towards and spiteful. If I did as they said it was all fine. Although I am not currently a caregiver, I know how a lot of you feel. It is a thankless job yet rewarding. I can at least say I know my mom so much better than my bro and sis do. My mom is my best friend. We did everything together. She relied on me a lot. Just being by me would comfort her but my siblings don't look at it that way. It's either you take care of mom or you don't get to see her or speak to her. Now that I won't do, by myself, the whole caregiving, they're being total asses. I appreciate this website as a way to vent.

We are emptying out my mother's home and getting it ready for sale. I have filled 100 garbage bags with donations and throw away stuff. I am hauling it a little at a time to my house. My sister lives next door to my mom and when my mom went over to visit she tried to find out about my mother's will. My mom said that she thinks my husband and I are controlling her money which couldn't be further from the truth. My brother seems to enjoy getting my two sisters to find out about the will for him. I have told them both now that when he visits my mother, which has been three times in the last year and a half, he doesn't mention the will so he looks like a prince while they look like money-grubbers. My brother has had a dominant position in the family for years and years and my dad encouraged it. So now that my mom is living with us he is in a tailspin. I wish family would understand how horrible it makes a parent feel when they ask about valuables and wills and inheritance. So hurtful.

And also how the future looks grim when they say and do and falsely accuse their family. I've just decided that I'm not going out of my way for any of them. My oldest sister has refused to come to our home and my mom says that if that's the way she wants it then that's the way it will be. The extreme jealousy is insurmountable. I have been a homemaker my entire life only working part-time. My siblings like to act like I am "less" than them. So sad.

I guess I should clarify that my sister thinks I'm controlling my mom's money. Not my mom. I encouraged her to allow her attorney to handle her will and p.o.a. which she has.

The lawyer made it really clear not to tell any of them anything because in their experience it only makes things worse. So we haven't.

When my mom passed, I went through this with my own family,( 7 children in all) and we were eager to do what needed to be done! Yes we argued, but then we resolved the difference! Same, when my Grandmother passed 1yr later. We were all there to help and support each other? This is NOT the case in my husbands family,( only 2 ,my husband and a sis)there is such hate there!!?? Its a constant fight for my husband just to get information from the sis! The sis threw POA at him( all done behind his back,and w/no mention of it), after she screwed up all the paperwork and SUCKED every dollar from her dying dad and ailing mother, so there is nothing left!!!! This person won't even return a phone call or answer her door when my husband goes over there??!! I argued and faught with my sibs all growing up, and as adults we have many differences of opinions!! But we don't hold grudges because one thinks differently than the other?! I wish I could infuse this on the SIL, she is making it so hard for her bro to give"the best care" to his mom (she is in dementia care facility)! All because she isn't "IN CONTROL" of everyone!!! I have mentioned to my husband that he should see our Lawyer about this paperwork, it's important that we get it! Now he has POA, he can do all of this?! He can't take time off because he we are paying 2 incomes now. He work's out of town so driving time is 1 and 1/2 hrs oneway, so he is doesn't get back home till everything is closed, to take care of business!! I have tried but can't, because I am not listed on the paperwork the SIL had drawn up!! But her husband is???!!!! I thank God for my Brothers and sisters, at least I can trust them! I would't trust the SIL as far as I can spit!!! She has taken so much already,...now shes trying to SUCK the life out of my family and I am NOT going to let that happen!!!! I will do whatever it takes to get things right, however I will not forsake MY family to get it done! Saying my prayers cuz they help me to get through this mess.....THx and God Bless those who are in the same perdicament

Dear Ladies and men,
Gosh, I am sooo sorry that you have siblings like that. Family dynamics is so complicated these days and past makes it worse. I do not have professional advice for any of you, all I can say is get help from the pros: be it a state organization for social workers, reporting some siblings who take money and take advantage of your parents to elderly advocate agencies, there is help out there for you, but you all must do something to stop them from ruining your and your parents' lives. Don't they know that they must stand before God in the end and give an answer for all that they have done? Its a frightening thing to stand before the living God in the day of judgment!! I will keep you all in my prayers during my quite time with Him daily.

I have a sister who really did not want to help but always wanted to be "kept posted." After my mom's last hospitalization, I told her to get off her dead butt and to the hospital like I do all the time if she wants information. Then when she (reluctantly) helps, she is so verbally abusive or manipulative with my mom, that my mom is dazed and confused or so extremely angry that it takes me days to calm her down, not to mention myself. Long story short, my sister has been put out for good since she is so abusive. Now I handle my mom all by myself but believe me, it's much easier!

Dear BonnyW,
Good for you!! Kick her useless butt out. All she does is create more problems with her evil attitude.

Eggzactly! Plus she and her snotty disrespectful friends bash me even more. Finito!

I have given up on my family. I have detached myself from them. I'm still not allowed to see or talk to my mom and I have to accept that. I have done everything I can to get in contact with her but my family won't let me since I made them step up and take care of my mom. I am currently in counseling to help with my self-esteem. I am a good person and I have done good and wonderful things for my mom. I will just have to treasure the memories I have of and with my mom. I have always been the one in the family to care for everyone else and put myself last. I am the youngest and am now 50 years old. Time for me to take care of me and stay on top of my mental illness.

Lefaucon, In my case, this sil calls herself "born again christian", or so she professes?!! It's sad to think there are people out there who THINK they can be as nasty as they please while in this world , and do not think there will be any type of consequences for their actions at the end of their physical life!!! And I do know what God will see about me, when I stand before him. My only solice is knowing what she will have to atone for when her time comes !! As they say "what goes around comes around"!! And the punishment will fit! He has given me very broad shoulders so I can carry this burden. Also peace of mind to what I've been doing to help my MIL and my family! I'm still saying my prayers too!.. God bless

Yes, peace of mind is the best!

It has been my experience that when I engage in conversation with family about my challenges caring for mom (with dementia) their come back is, "and that's why she belongs in a nursing home". No, she needs to be in familiar surroundings with people that love her. Another "comeback" is "look, YOU DECIDED to do this NOT ME. Trust me, I only needed reminding once.Caring for mother is now only half of the stress. The other half is coming to terms that I don't like the people I call family; I love them but I don't "like" them. They are not who I thought they were. To NOT LIVE with daily resentments is very hard. We all know there are "givers" and "takers". People by human nature tend to be takers. Only a few tend to really be the giver that has enough depth to do the right thing even when it's not convenient and it requires sacrifice.There is this thing called, "rightous indignation". It is the liberty to be angry when we see the vulnerable taken advantage of and forgotten about. It SHOULD make us angry at the BEHAVIOR of others, but not at the person. We must be careful, however that the anger doesn't morph into bitterness and hatred. Hatred only kills the hater. It makes us sick and we can't get sick, we've got too much riding on us. So, what I've learned to do is to pound my computer keyboard and COMMUNICATE with others that DO understand and care. Communication with like minded people is sometimes, other than prayer, all we've got.The lonliness and isolation of being a caregiver is the hardest for me. I've learned to dispise the 3 words, "keep me posted". No, if they do not care enough to become involved with any dependability they are just something else added to my list of things to do. "How's she doing" is answered with "why don't you come and see, we'd love to have you...matter of fact let me know what day your coming and maybe I CAN GET SOME ERRENDS DONE. Stifling silence. This is the deal guys...two things. One- People cannot give out of an empty bucket. Weather thier bucket is full of superficial stuff and selfishness or all the other toxic things people carry around. Only those WHO HAVE THE TRUE GIFT OF LOVE can find it and use it as a tool when life calls on us to have the strength and foritude to do what we do on a daily basis. Understand that not everyone has it. Some, will develope it over time and some never will. Two- Guard yourself against unforgiveness. I know it's hard, but think of unforgivness as a kind of "cork". It plugs up the bottle of blessings that are essential to our strength, joy, rest, optimisum and everything else we must possess a measure of to get through our days and nights. Many prayers I've prayed and told God I can't do this by myself. The burden is TOO heavy and the sacrifice is ALL consuming. Please strengthen me with your strength. And there in my anguish, in the quiet sobbing I feel the release of the burdensome weight. And, I feel the grace to go on. We were never meant to carry the weight of our "situation" alone, that's why we CAN'T and we break down. But when we admit it to the One that CAN bear it, MEANT to bear it and WANTS to bear it; it gives us the physical, mental and emotional infusion to face another day. Admit ing our inability to do this caregiving thing is the first step to being stronger. To be dependent on God is a pretty reassuring place to put my faith and trust.How many times have people said, "I don't know how you do it"? I tell them that God is my refuge and my fortress and it's ONLY in Him I can trust and DEPEND. Now that responce is the truth and if it brings any sort of conviction to the one hearing it, so be it. If I'm asked, I'll certainly NOT refrain. You can't live in the "front row " of this disease with no spiritual undergirding, period. Pray for the hardened hearts of others. Ask God to extend the grace to NOT be unforgiving of selfish people and understand that to do so only hinders the flow of what you need to have the strength to do your job in a GENTLE, loving way. YOU precious CAREGIVERS ARE SEWING SEEDS OF LOVE AND KINDNESS and rest assured the "others" are sewing seeds as well. Your kindness will come back to you. Where and how... is not our business, but I do know that God is not mocked and his word is truth that never changes. So you see, the universe will line up to render to us all what we have given. And guys, we've been making some BIG DEPOSITS. God SEES YOU. Thank you AgingCare.com for giving me a place to vent and share. This is theraputic for us all.

I had asked my sibs over a year ago to give me 1 day a month to run errands, go to a movie, have a itty bit of time for myself. It lasted about 2 months and then the excuses began. My Mother has not seen my sister for almost 2 months now and she lives about 45 minutes away. I am lucky that my Mom can actually be alone for a while so I am still able to do some things for myself. However I am well aware that this will not always be the case. In my mind the way I handle the resentment is to keep my expectations of my sibs very low. I do not expect them to help anymore. It does feel lonely and I never thought it would be this way. I always thought we would pull together as a family. Everyday the 2 things that I pray for are peace of mind and contentment. I have found that my siblings might have the best of intentions but they are always going to put their lives first. I must be OK with that otherwise I am just an angry ball of resentment walking around. They miss out on being with their Mother these last few years. God bless all.....

I vow NO ONE would go through what i went through. With a family as large as mine we shouldnt had any issue of taking care of our parents but it was,,So i pray to all of you that is dealing with this kind of issue

Yup, I hate those three little words "keep me posted." In fact, I had it out with mine last year saying that I will NOT keep them posted, but if they wanted to know what's going on to get their butts at the hospitals, at the house, get up in the middle of the night, etc. and FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES. It's only MORE work to keep anyone posted. You're not their administrative assistant nor are you obligated to report to them if they won't come around. My sister finally jumped in with both feet and now has my mom living with her. You are so right - a nursing home is not the best unless they are either totally catatonic or need care you can't provide, but otherwise being in an environment with their family and friends is better for them. I saw my aunts who got "dumped" into a nursing home and their sadness was awful.

It's funny because as much as I complain that my siblings don't give me any help, my mother is just as bad in asking for anything from others (besides me, which she has no problem with...) or keeping in contact with anyone. She'll ask me "have you heard from your so-and-so lately?" I'll say "no" and I tell her she should give him/her a call once in awhile - the phones go both directions. Her response "oh i never know when they're going to be home..." So I'll remind her that's what answering machines are for. As far as "keeping me posted" remarks by my siblings...they know what response that remark is going to get them now ("no - why don't YOU call more often?") so they don't say that anymore. I'm done being the doormat. My husband and I are planning a trip out of state in June (graduation) so I am going to need someone to care for my mom while we are gone. I already know it's going to wind up being my aunt instead of my sister - they both live about the same distance away, but my sister always seems to "have plans" or "can't take that much time off of work". I'm done.

The rare times I get to see my friends they are always scratching their heads and asking why my sibs don't pitch in more. I find myself making excuses for them, they are so busy, they work, they have a social life ect..... My best friend looked at me and said "So your sisters social life is more important then your Mother?" I asked her what she meant and she put in very simply "We make ourselves busy for a reason." Ever have that moment when the lights go on? It was like that for me that day. If you are too "busy" to make time for the Mother who raised you shame on YOU. There is so much guilt and past resentments - I get it - but it is time to move on and help as a family. Good luck to all - I know that I need it.