I am going on 10 years taking care of mom. LT insurance has run out. Mom is doing fine at 92 because I did darn good job but eventually her money may run out. I spend all I earn on household with mom pitching in at her request and with a document she signed with a lawyer. I would have been happy to let sister and husband take care of her and handle everything but they never did. It would have freed me up to resume my career. Thoughts????
p.s As I have said my posts are not a spelling bee ( sorry ) hate spell check.
yes i am the sole family member left and have been on 24/7 for nine years come September. Yes bro is "bat shit crazy" is my term of endearment.
And for the court I did not get a lawyer at that time i was fresh and confident of myself. It was civil or family court, not criminal, so i just went in showed em the wills where mom had put me in charge at 19, (he was 31 then, jus saying she knew who would be able to take care of her) and explained his history and pointed out he is the one with an elder abuse arrest on record not me. and that was the end of it...haven't seen him since. anyway I have not changed or paid for legal help except for changing her will from equally disbursment of the home to me, instead then them should i be gone first. everything else i had been in fear to change... I know it is an irrational fear kinda but that is the damage from years of drama...you don't know how obsessed he can become and has always fixated on me...a social worker at hospital witnessed it and explained she thought it was because he is oldest son, and feels it is his duty and right. but because they put me in charge he is "jealous" for lack of a better term, that the baby girl is the one carrying the load...idk....made me feel better bout it for first time....i never had an understanding of why he did this to me, and no one else in family, so it made sense to me...ill take it!!! anyway so yes i have no idea why i would go to jail but for misuse of funds. but because i never followed up and chose to just ignore/deny the whole issue. i fear it could come back to bite me..especially now i found this site and see so many snippets on misuse of funds and jail in same thought ...i guess what i am saying is it is my ignorance on things causing the fears...
the credit card company sed they would not be able to stop harassing me for payment less i filed a police report as it is a crime to do what he did, so i did and gave them the report number (I think that is to make sure I was not lying as filing false allegations is a crime) and have not been contacted by anyone since cc or police so no idea what happened...i guess i should run ma's credit and see if it still on there etc.....
anyway hope that covers some issues...and that is why am telling the story...so until i can get some professional help for cheap need to know am i doing things illegally or ??? and what are the consequences! I just have to add i did ignore the problem as it was too painful to deal with...and now I am so burned out and exhausted i need help to try to go back and figure out things, i am overwhelmed with to do's in mom's recent decline!!
Thanks
Juju
Do you have POA? Have you ever shared your Mom's budget with your siblings? This may be helpful for them to get a picture of what it has cost you to care for your Mom. Those that don't step up and care for their parents have ZERO idea the monetary and emotional cost of caring for a loved one. I could go on and on here but I will abstain because it gets my blood pressure up. :-)
I have to add tho, as I mentioned my bro's are "ill" there was an awful ending to our relationship He falsely accused me of elder abuse APS saw thru it I guess cuz they interviewed me and closed the case. So that didn't work he then stole the will forged info, and filed eviction and restraining orders. Again I prevailed in court but the heartache and pain this caused me was unbearable. I have taken care of this boy my whole adult life! (put up with his abuse and shenanigans, have had the police to my home to remove him idk how many times) So I took ma and left the darn state, in a panicked emotional decision of which I now regret......I hold no resent toward them, but, haven't spoken to em in over 8ys...I emotionally am come to terms with the loss and betrayal....but I live in fear that at any time the shoe will drop and something he has done. That when this is all sed n done I will be the one in Jail, this time. (he did time for elder abuse, when he n dad got in a fist fite apparently) in deep water with ????...whatever the reprocussion is. I don't keep good records but I have a box with every damn receipt I ever had. I have never squandered moms money purposefully, we have been ripped off by atty and contractors tho... He actually ran up cc bill and refused to pay it trying to say it was me...I filed police report but never followed up. anyway I just pray this all works out, as I just left and stuck my head in the sand and never followed up on any of this to see what investigations or attatchments to her estate, idk right term...what shit he mite have stirred up. I had planned to but things became overwhelming pretty fast in my new isolated life! When he focus's on something, he will dwell on it till the cows come home, I mean years n years. I always had looked at it as I can do no wrong because whaterver I spend on myself could not even compare to the 6k+ a month a NH would take their estate would have been gone in in less that 2 ys. I wear rags, occasionally have to buy few things, don't do much but go out to eat once while, maybe an occasional concert or weekend getaway and the getaway is always with her and for her too....drive a broken down jalopy the only thing I think could be issue is the contractor thing...etc....
Anyway I digress, sorry to Hijack your thread...just scared to death I will end up in jail or ??? when this is all done. I I am in crisis about this, it is eating me alive!
Mauntauck your a good son and don't let anyone tell you any different! Keep your head up and certainly keep with the legal straight before you end up like me!!!
If you don't have power of attorney, then ignore them. You have more than one sister? What is the matter with them? Did they have a good relationship with your mother?
The up side here is you have your mother and her love. I am sure she knows who is there for her and who is not. Take care.
Carol
Hey Montacuk, are you good on computers? I'm really terrible at it. When my computer has problems, the poor IT guy gets really frustrated. In the end, he comes over and take my hard drive. ..But, I was wondering if you're good with computers, are you able to do work online with regards to your job? Or do a new and improved version online? Just do something online that pays you so that it helps supplement your income?
So, my advice to be upfront and keep records is for a reason. When my brother tries to take all of my mother's money, as he may, I have my lawyers ready to give him some grief. What good will it do, who knows? Certainly embarrass an already egotistical guy and make some trouble for him.
So the best thing for you is keep account of everything since I detected trouble with the sister.
And you are going a really good job.
If I was 92, and I had a relative drooling over what they thought they were getting from my passing, I would not want to be left alone with that relative!
Seriously, counting her eggs before the chicken has croaked is just plain tacky.
Just say to her the details will be communicated when the time comes, I hope that will not be for a long time. Tell her the executor will communicate the details and he will also reach out to her in case the funds fall and her help is required to keep mom under care.....that may keep her from asking for a while.
Most of us don't get an inheritance. Look up the percentage of people who actually get an inheritance. Not many.
My husband's family was very different. His father was prosperous and exceptionally intelligent. He set up trusts, was open with his children and wanted his heirs to have what he had accumulated through hard work. They were well adjusted, took excellent care of my MIL and all got a nice inheritance. But they knew they would. They are very close to each other as well.
Don't let a small amount of money or misunderstanding ruin you relationship with you sister if possible. Be as frank and open with her as you can be.
In my family, mom has a good amount of money. I was raised to want, expect and know nothing. Only when dad died did I get any information about my mother's finances and only because my brother told me. Mom created lies to keep me in the dark, she thinks I want her money. I never asked about it except to be sure she would be taken care of. It has ruined our relationship because her lies get bigger every year. And it is all over "her" money.
Communicate with her before it is too late and keep records of what you spend in case she has strange ideas about you taking your mother's money. People are just crazy when money is involved.
They think it's Owed to them.
So, when sister comes to visit to ask for her inheritance, tell her that your parents money is THEIRS for their care/health issues. Tell sis, that If anything, she should be helping with the parents. Then ask sis to do some errands (nothing to do with money). Or to help you change the pampers, the soiled room, etc.... Help sis see that it's not all roses caring for the parent ... but hard work.