I’m the daughter in law some of you are going to hate. The one who has the freedom to travel and go as she pleases within limits. Meanwhile, my PIL are living in another state battling cancer. I’m the one you despise since your up day and night caring for your elderly parent while I’m at home resting and taking care of my children. I’m the one who lives states away and only visit once or twice a year. I’m the one who wouldn’t dare agree with hubby quitting his job (not at his age), and spending all his retirement 💵 on his parents elderly care just so we can later demand and burden our children by starting the cycle all over again.
I’m so sorry this is happening to soo many families and it angers me that many parents didn’t plan for their senior care and living arrangements. It’s not fair despite the unconditional love.
That being said, for those of you that are caregivers to your parents, what type of assistance would be helpful?
Basically, What can “I” do to alleviate some of the stresses and resentment towards distant family members and siblings?
~Sincerely someone on the opposite side 💐
In my opinion, you are not 'on the opposite side'. Just a different side. So dont beat yourself up.
I dont despise you. In truth, I think I envy your freedom of choice. I have never been able to go on 2 holidays a year. In fact it one one every 10 years (if we managed to save up a little)
Being low paid workers (and boy did we work hard) it was all we could do to keep our heads above water.
BUT we are not complaining, in fact I think we did well.
This was just to show that we could not, ever, have saved enough for our old age.
I am a carer, who is being cared for by the one I am caring for. I think of this as normal. Each of us cares for the other.
I/we would hate for our children to have to look after us. I will go into a government run 'home' before I do that.
Now you have a little of my back ground, I can offer how I see would help.
Phone regularly, let the carer rant on (even if you have heard it all so many times before.
Send flowers. Not a big bunch, just one you have selected yourselves. A special food parcel (after you have checked it they can eat what you send.
Try and arrange some respite for the carer. Some time away. You dont have to pay for a holiday for them (although that would be nice). Just find a place where the cared only can go for a week or two, and pay for that. Ask if they would like a top to bottom clean for the home. Send little vouchers for a Spa day for the carer and some one to care for the loved one while they enjoy it.
Basically, ANYTHING that you do out of love would help. :)
I am happy you have the choice to stay away and I send you smiles.
Take care of your self and yours.
Buzzy
Sorry I rambled on a bit there. lol
Just my thoughts came spilling out. :)
You are loved.
I'm curious -- so just who IS doing the hands-on care for your in-laws? Did that person have to give up their job to do so? Their financial future? A solid retirement? Are they being compensated? Does that person resent your husband for not helping out more?
I am in the in-town sibling, and I have three brothers. Two visit during the year (but never stay more than one or two days). One hardly ever visits. He doesn't do a thing for our elderly mother. I resent him more than the others for that.
BUT...I don't live with my mother, she doesn't live with me, and we will never live together. She needs more help, has the money to hire it, and refuses to do so. I limit my exposure to her as much as possible -- my job is to drive her places, and I do it as little as possible. (She gave me her car and still thinks *I* owe her.) I resent her expectations of me. She was am emotionally abusive and controlling mother (as she still is now). I have set strict limits on my chauffering, and she isn't happy.
If I were the one living with and taking care of my mother, I would really resent my brothers. And, quite frankly, I wouldn't do it.
How to help out? Money (especially if the in-law who is doing the caregiving isn't being compensated). If there will be an estate, insist that the caregiver(s) get more of the estate than anyone else.
And I second the advice to insist that those who are caregivers get financial compensation, preferable as it is given and not as part of a division of the estate because that can keep someone in the trenches far too long - if mom or pop eventually spend 5 years in a facility will anyone remember and place the same value on those previous years of sacrifice?
Now housecleaning services would be a real Plus, or those new gormet food deliveries, where on gets to put together a really special meal! Obviously frequent phone calls to both the elders, and the Caregivers, letting them know how much you care.
There are So many options out there, but I'll bet that the elders would just Love to receive something special in the mail a couple of times a month, and its not that hard, compared to what the Caretakers are giving up.
QVC AND HSN have lovely food options that can be sent with the bill to/ship to option, especially holiday treats, wreaths, a holiday decoration, chocolate and candy options, crab cakes, Omaha Steak deliveries! Anything that would make things a bit easier for the Caregivers would be so much appreciated! I know that I would have Loved to see my husband's siblings offer up some thoughtful surprises, but never received so much as a card, during the 13 years we cared for my FIL in our home. It didn't go unnoticed either, as resentments do build up.
You are very nice to reach out, to find out what might be a real Ray of Sunshine to those in the trenches, to what can be a real drudgery at times, taking care of our elders! Thank You!
Thanks, siblings for taking 2 hours every six months to visit your father. I haven't had a real vacation in the 8 years I've supported your dad. But sure, I hope you are enjoying your time at the beach.
Jerks
How can you help? Are they being cared for in their home by a family member? If so, it would be nice to give them a break. Go there for a week or so and do the caregiving, If in an AL, same thing. Even though Mom was in an AL I did her wash. I had to purchase Depends and any other personal needs. Mom was 5 min. up the road. I visited everyday for a short time. If family is doing this again a break would be nice. Let them take a vacation without having to worry about parents. Have ur husband call them weekly. This is what bothered me about my brothers, they never called when Mom still knew who they were. Ask if money is needed. So many caregivers are left with all the financial responsibility when there are siblings that can contribute something. And then, when parent is gone they want their share. Maybe some gift cards for food places where if they can't go, the food can be delivered.
When it comes to parents planning for their futures, I really don't think they thought they would live as long as they are. I live in a blue collar town. Most families made living wages and raised families. There was not much left over to plan for the future. My Dad was one of these people with 4 kids. At 52 he went on SSD for a bad heart. He had two open heart surgeries and diabetes. So never enough to save. The money Mom had for the AL was Dads insurance money she had put into CDs and never touched. Her house, needed work when they moved in in 1958 and there was never enough money to keep it up. I couldn't sell it. So, I will be shutting it up and the township will eventually get it for unpaid taxes.
Me, we have some money saved and some invested. Hopefully enough to get us a nice AL for a while. We own our home, so an asset there.
I asked - she wanted help applying for any and all county services they could qualify for. She wanted help applying for Medicaid in preparation for eventual nursing home placement. She needed regular breaks. I went there one weekend a month and she left town each weekend to visit friends, go to the casino, etc. she always came back refreshed.
Each caregiver needs something different. For people who lived locally - she through it helpful if they would bring over groceries etc.
but ask and LISTEN
I'm also a DIL who lives far away. I think just the fact that you are trying to get information on how to help is excellent. It sounds like you acknowledge that someone is sacrificing to care for your husband's parents so he doesn't have to. Because they are doing it, your family has less demands on how you spend time and money. You can stay on track with your plans for the future. I think a lot of people would just like the out of town siblings to recognize the sacrifice.
The only quibble I have with your post is the breezy supposition that it was poor planning that leads to people needing help from their families. It is not. It amazes me how many people take their own financial security as something they earned and deserve on merit. It's smug. Many, many people planned properly, saved what they could and still got devastated by an illness or infirmity. If not their own, a child, spouse or parent's needs can derail the best laid plans. We don't deserve our health and wealth. It's a gift.
In my case my father is a spender and a hoarder. Any garden tool, gadget or gizmo he is going to buy. He is over $100,000 in debt at 89 years old, yet still spending. That number does not include his back income tax which is another $100k+.
He thinks that as he has mortgage and cc ‘insurance’ that will pay out on death. It is ok. He has no concept of how care maybe needed in the future and that money will be needed. His ‘insurance’ will not pay out unless he dies. It will not cover his income tax debt either.
Me, Dad does not believe I have anything to contribute. So when I visit I clean the bathroom, the kitchen, toss rotting food from the fridge and counters, and leave it at that.
when I visited last month he mentioned dribbling pee and I think he wet the bed. When I went this month I brought him pull ups and pee guards. He had forgotten the conversation and denied needing them. I told him they were for if He needs them in the future.
Dad’s short term memory and reasoning skills are not great anymore. His long term memory is great.
What would mean a lot to me is if sibling and spouse offered us moral support via phone calls, emails, even texts! That is all I would ask for. Weekly phone calls would be appreciated as would letting us vent when we need to.
No one hates you. The fact that you are on this site shows you care. Your first priority are your children and I completely agree with you about your husband not quitting his job and spending your retirement income.
Another suggestion if you are able to do so would be to research assisted living, nursing homes, or in-house agencies for your family.
Get creative, send a care package that has something fun for everyone and individually, home baked bread, cookies, cards (something to post on the fridge) cute magnets to hold the stuff or create a board that can be hung up and then the little love notes can be attached. Caregiving is isolating, so knowing that someone is thinking about you and how you are doing makes it a little less lonely.
Depending on the age of your children you could include their friends and send 30 homemade cards, pictures or hand turkeys, you get the idea.
If you know the caregiver send a thank you note with some flowers and a gift card for something that means a great deal to them.
Last but not least, be emotionally available to the caregiver, let them lean on you, be understanding and compassionate, DO NOT JUDGE, even if you cringe because of what they say, remember they are only venting so they don't blow.
Thank you for wanting to help in the best way you can.
Send gift cards, greeting cards monthly just to say thank you. Let them know how much you appreciate them giving so much time and energy.
Offer respite time, definitely, give a week away while you provide the care. Yes you will have to give up one of your vacations, you can sacrifice something too. Once you do that, you will have a much better understanding of how difficult providing care is.
Straight on ASK the PCG what is needed. Then as best you can, make that happen.
My SIL will routinely "gift" my mother the most useless crap--decorations for the holidays and scented candles and mother will be "thankful" but she has absolutely no room for anything in her place. "stuff" that is not usuable--such as what I mentioned, may be thoughtful, but is rarely helpful.
What she NEEDS is for someone to clear her grimy apartment,wash down the windows, powerwash the birdcage, take her to lunch...all "hands on" things.
Maybe your PCG needs money, couldn't hurt to ask. We have given YB a lot of money over the years as he has taken the burden of mothers' care on himself and pretty much refuses help. My sister offered to pay for 3 days a week in home aide--mother wanted it, brother wouldn't let strangers in.
Get to where the folks are and give the PCG a respite. (You'll come out a different person, I promise.)
I admire that you are aware that you're on the "other side" of this CG dynamic. And that you want to help.
It would It would have been an absolute godsend if someone had said "hey I got this. Get out of here." I would have been so grateful and would have returned somewhat renewed to carry on with the job.
I also would have felt that somebody cared about me and loved me instead of feeling alone, unloved, and invisible.
Thats the type of people this poster is talking about. Those that could, and should have known better..didn't plan for this stage of their life
He always thought his kids would take care of him. However, if any of us let him live with us, we would end up in jail for elder abuse. He is argumentative, hostile, says he is right 99.9% of the time, a hoarder, and now has vascular dementia.
We just got him forced into a nursing home. Through legal action, guardianship.
Remarkably we all still care, because we are a wonderful forgiving group of “war wounded” adult children.
We visit, call, take him things.
We we also sleep better at night and our hearts don’t skip a beat when a white car goes past our house, or when the phone rings.
No one has to take on a parent living with them, just because they refuse other options. If they have dementia, you have no idea what you might be in for.
And if if you do take it on, don’t expect all your siblings to take it on with you.
Choices made by different people in different areas. Sometimes on this forum when a poster is railing against siblings who do nothing, it is pointed out that those siblings didn't agree with the choice made by the caregiving sibling to keep the parent at home, and that maybe the parent DOES belong in a facility.
Just as siblings can choose to not be involved, so could the caregiver have chosen to not be involved. Some posters claim they were forced to be the 24/7 caregivers, others think their mother or father could never go to a facility, that their parent(s) deserve home care, etc. I am always wondering how these "wonderful" parents could raise only one child who wants to be the caregiver. Regardless, it's a choice, and the caregivers have chosen to encumber their lives with the elder(s) (in the huge majority of cases, that is).
Choices, choices. I am not in nearly the caregiving misery that many are in here, but even so, I resent my brothers for not being expected to be our mother's puppet/marionette chauffeur. Yes, I am the only local one, but what I most resent is my mother's expectation that my time is worthless and I "owe" her. Yet her darling boys are "so busy."
Two of my brothers express appreciation for what I do, but, quite frankly, that doesn't mean much to me. I would have liked a check -- talk is cheap, and money talks more.The other brother simply laughs when I tell him he's so lucky that my mother has bestowed sonhood sainthood on him and he does nothing at all...hardly ever even visits.
I have told them that when my mother's expectations get to be too much (and she's too nasty when I enforce boundaries), that I'm walking away. And when/if she ever goes to a facility (she should be in AL now but refuses), that I won't be the contact person, I won't be her taxi and I won't be the one she calls to complain. That is a choice I've already made.
I, too, had siblings out of town who never offered to help even before mom got bad and could no longer drive.
One brother decided to move to our town 3 months ago and asked me if he could move into mom’s house. I said “yes” with the stipulation he take mom. I gave him 3 months to get settled and find a job. Then he would start paying his share of the bills. I have been pissed at him for years, but I didn’t realize what a dysfunctional, needy, drama queen low life he really is.
He isn’t really trying to get a job - he has spent the past 35 years doing floral design. He doesn’t have any conscious about living off his mom. When the 3 months was up, he said he didn’t have the money. He even went so far as to pawn lawn equipment that belonged to my husband and me. He won’t even mow the yard - that is about an acre - citing health issues. We won’t let him touch our riding mower. Funny thing is, before I got married 2 years ago, I was doing all the yard work all by myself and mowed with a self-propelled mower.
My brother has taken handouts all his life and has been treated by my mother like he invented sainthood. She practically ignored the fact that she had another son. Well, that son died recently and left her as primary beneficiary. He wasn’t even dead yet and my other brother started talking about how it would only be fair if we split it 3 ways. That’s all he talks about now. He doesn’t realize he doesn’t have claim to that money.
Luckily, I have POA over mom’s affairs and continue to pay her bills. I put a certain amount of money in my brother’s account each week for. groceries and mom’s prescriptions. Otherwise, he’s not getting a dime from me or mom.
I’m afraid he may try and sweet talk mom out of some of the money, but that’s not going to happen. She has no access to that money. If it wasn’t for my mother, he would be kicked out today.
It’s sad that caregiving circumstances tear families apart. But it is what it is and the rest if us have to live with it.
Just care enough to call to find out how things are going. Ask if there is anything you can do even though you are states away. Always pray for them - all of them - caregivers need prayers too. Send cards to them - something they can hold and look at all the time. Not the cheap cards - spring for a really nice card and try to send one every week if possible. Way cheaper than having to visit. And they look really nice lined up on a bureau or chest of drawers. Or a bedside table if they have one.
Have the local florist deliver an inexpensive bouquet sometime - just something so they know you remember them. Show that you care.
with that said.... it’s not your fault that you live far away, but it sounds as if you want to help in some way, which is good!
i agree with other posters- “time” is number one. If there’s ANY way you could go and provide a single day, half day, or an hour of respite care... that’s more helpful than anything. Knowing that a family member is there with a loved one is a huge relief.
My SIL has not contacted me at all regarding the care of dad. She doesn’t help or offer support to my brother either. Although she works (as I do) she has no children and is free to vacation and socialize carefree. I understand that’s her choice. I just hope that when the time comes for her parents to need attention and care, she then realizes that an occasional “check in” with a primary caregiver in the midst of going from crisis to crisis is necessary.
I fully believe that what you give, you will get in return.
I hope your family can work something out so you don't feel guilty that you are far away and not helping out as much. It is okay. I just suggest you and your husband do your fair share to make this equitable for all the siblings.
Sounds like you are not even offering phone support or keeping in touch on a regular basis. That's probably why you feel the hate directed at you. Picking up a phone is the least you can do during this crisis.
My brother has always been an azz hole of a brother. Even worse now that Mom is in her final stages he is an azz hole of a son. As an in law you could at least call as it sounds like your husband (the son right?) is in the azz hole club. Doesn't he even want to know how his parents are doing? Shame on him. There has to be a special place waiting to reward him.
If you truly want to help ask the Caregiver(your SIL right?) what she needs. As others have suggested a phone call of support & honesty (including your husbands short comings) & empathy would go a long way. It's the elephant in the room.
The general consensus here is to "show up" & go from there. Caregivers have so many balls in the air it's difficult sometimes to determine what help is needed that can be easily accomplished by someone who has not bothered to keep in touch rendering them clueless.
You need to physically be there to give the CG a break & not just an afternoon. Believe me when I say to you that YOU will NEVER regret reaching out to the CG & doing what you can. It is the HONORABLE thing to do. When your parent in law's are gone you won't feel the overwhelming pain & guilt that your husband will have to live with the rest of his life. I'm guessing he feels it already.
Be the Matriarch that I am sensing you want to be. One can hope that hubby will follow your lead and "man up." WARNING; BRUTAL HONESTY TO FOLLOW.
What if you get sick? Will hubby be there for you? I doubt my brother would even be there for his child let alone his SO. I bet he'd call me.......and I already know what my reply will be.
When you call SIL start with an apology. I am guessing all this time you were hoping ....maybe even pleading with hubby to step up. So much time has passed now you feel your call will be met with disdain. No doubt it will.....thus the apology. KEEP trying & let her do the talking......this isn't about you. It may take time to gain her trust again.
Good luck......I feel your heart is in the right place........NOW take action before it's too late.
Come back and give us your thoughts on what may work for you and SIL. Obviously this is rather sore subject you’ve broached and I give you props for posting. I hope we can help you and SIL, and most importantly, the elderly parents get through this.
An extra ear, a kind word, and a sincere heart helps the most.
I've worked on funeral plans and researched "next steps," passing along pertinent information. If you truly want to help and just don't want to compromise your current lifestyle, talk to your siblings to see what would be most helpful for them!
Ask those