I’m the daughter in law some of you are going to hate. The one who has the freedom to travel and go as she pleases within limits. Meanwhile, my PIL are living in another state battling cancer. I’m the one you despise since your up day and night caring for your elderly parent while I’m at home resting and taking care of my children. I’m the one who lives states away and only visit once or twice a year. I’m the one who wouldn’t dare agree with hubby quitting his job (not at his age), and spending all his retirement 💵 on his parents elderly care just so we can later demand and burden our children by starting the cycle all over again.
I’m so sorry this is happening to soo many families and it angers me that many parents didn’t plan for their senior care and living arrangements. It’s not fair despite the unconditional love.
That being said, for those of you that are caregivers to your parents, what type of assistance would be helpful?
Basically, What can “I” do to alleviate some of the stresses and resentment towards distant family members and siblings?
~Sincerely someone on the opposite side 💐
Props and kudos to your relatives who sound like decent caring people.
Have you told them that?
I think in the 8 years of taking complete care of my elderly mother I have never heard that from my "distant" brother who lives under 3 miles away. You would think he lived across the continent. I have sacrificed quite a lot, as I am sure your relatives have. A little appreciation or validation from him would mean a lot.
I understand some people are busy or have families or jobs or whatever the excuse is- but really., who doesn't???
You can show a little concern towards their own welfare for starters. Realize that maybe they don't WANT to be in the situation they are now in but that it sometimes is the only choice they have because someone else in family thinks it shouldn't be their problem.
Some tangible things:
*Call and actually listen to what they have to say.
*Offer to help pay for an ongoing sitter to come maybe once or twice a week so they can have an actual break/date night etc.-
*Maybe a meal delivery or grocery delivery service a couple of days a week? What about while you are doing all of that traveling you maybe take a weekend to come and stay to relieve them. Too much? well how about ask them to make a list of things you could do from where you are. Some kind of paper work research or planning etc. and let them know that you would honestly like to help in some way from where you are and that you would like them to think about it for a couple of days and to tell you what.
This is life. Its not a matter of "Oh I'm just not good at that, or I'm just too busy. Its a worldwide concern. Most don't plan on getting sick or having Alzheimer, Cancer and diseases. No one really expects or knows when or what is going to happen or for that matter what age. You can get mad at poor planning all you want but Karma has a funny way of changing everything.
Step in, honestly listen to them, and I think you will be surprised that the resentment will probably start to disappear
If I were asking this question, I would think that my answer seems overly dramatic, especially since it's in addition to many others. If you would, I ask that you please kindly understand that I don't mean to be rude in any way, but the opportunity to explain this is rare or non-existent.
To better help a caregiver would likely require sacrificing things you have been unwilling to as of yet. Please also understand that it isn't an all or nothing thing. Perhaps you can adjust some of your time, some of your money and some of your social endeavors.
I've actually been thinking about this over the last several days, so I'm surprised to see your question. I have so much more to say but I'd prefer to take a bit of time to better formulate the remainder of my input, but I wish to start now.
In a small nutshell, give them time and money, an apology and lots of kindness.
No matter what it looks like from the outside, and regardless of the level of caregiving needed, know that for the caregiver this is many levels of absolute destruction emotionally, physically and financially.
Imagine you've lost your business, your savings, your mental health and almost lost your significant other, while the others who have far more resources, have basically abandoned you except for when they criticize you and tell you about their travels, etc., while you can't leave, or do much else.
My well-being and likely my future are in complete ruins. Believe it or not--and I would NOT have believed it from someone else--I am in no way exaggerating. I would never have understood this before I did it.
Thank you for asking this question. I hope to add to this. Additionally, if you have questions, please ask them to me. I'm a former tutor and am practiced in ways of patiently--and believe it or not, kindly--explaining things in various levels of detail.
Best wishes as you go forth with your learning and possible changes!!
Checking in on them. Caring about how they are doing. Being supportive if they need to vent or maybe referring them to forums that you know might be helpful
Sending them some funds to help if they are not able to work because they are caring for someone. Or sending them things they need.
Asking them if they need any help or downtime where you could maybe see if you could hire someone to go in and give them some time off even if only for a few hours a week.
Maybe even getting a cleaning lady for them if they are overwhelmed and that would mean one less thing they have to worry about.
Maybe putting some time aside (a week or several days) to visit and actually give them a break if you could. I mean if they are there 24/7 then getting out for me time can be a challenge. So even a short visit where you give them a few days or hours on those days would maybe be a huge gift.
Best of all, why not actually pick up the phone or email/text them and say you know they are doing so much and that while you can't do anything near as much as they are, you want to help in some way. What sort of things would be appreciated. Ask for a list of things that might help them and then pick a few from the list and do those. If my brother did anything like that for me I wouldn't feel like he's such a selfish jerk. Instead he seems to see me as the free nurse slave while counting on all the money he will inherit because we aren't using assets to put her in a nursing home.
Please please please persist. I can virtually guarantee that the caregiver needs a lot, but may not even know where to start.
We are so used to getting little or nothing and/or one-time things that we may choose for you to give to the person we're caring for, simply because we are programmed for that. Then I would likely say to do as requested, but tell the caregiver that you want to do things for them too. Say you have been thinking that you haven't contributed (much) and intend to change that. You can add that you've researched and have ideas and are committed to help going forward.
I had those feelings when my sister said she would come to help for 5 days. Not enough time for me to visit my SO out of state, but some help with stuff around the house and entertain our mom.
Now I should include here that my sister (my brother isn't even in contact with us anymore) hasn't just been unhelpful, she's said and done extremely unkind things to me before. (I'm not saying that you have done those kinds of things, I am just using that as an example to explain some of the things I mentioned above.) So even though she texted me that she was coming to help, (she didn't ask when or provide any other information) I was genuinely scared. I didn't know what to expect, what she would or wouldn't do or even what to request. And she's pretty much gone back to her former ways of being. She has more resources than the rest of us put together but everything is still about her and her family.
It may or may not take time for the caregiver to even open up to the idea that someone cares. And then the next thought would be what should they should ask for because they don't know what is too much and/or your capabilities, etc. That's why I suggested that you have and explain ideas of things you are willing to do so that you can give the caregiver parameters as to what they can expect from you and what is reasonable in your eyes.
Then make sure you follow through on all of it, and continue on.
1000000%
I haven't yet had a chance to read through all the responses yet, so others may have already said any/all combination of these:
1) You are NOT among those remote non-care-givers that are despised (at least not here, can't speak for whoever IS providing the care-giving for your PIL!) The ones who really get the goat are those who rarely call or visit, NEVER offer to help in any way (respite or $), criticize whatever the carer is doing, complain about their 'inheritance' being spent, basically clueless, absent and non-helpful or even worse detrimental. Clearly you want to offer some kind of assistance. That is a start and a breath of fresh air here!
2) Of the posts I did read, there were a lot of good suggestions (and probably more I have not gotten to yet), so you can think about all these and consider what you might be able to do. BEFORE just doing any of these though, ASK for what the carers might want or need for assistance and provide any/all of those that you can from a distance. Just sending items without asking may just add to the clutter and not provide much help (clearly thoughtful, but not what is needed!)
3) Be there for them (phone, email, text) when they need to vent. Understand if they repeat themselves as this kind of caring and the fallout tends to be really repetitive. If possible, talk regularly with the PIL as well, just to let them know you are both thinking of them and care about them! Have the kids make pictures to mail to them!
4) If money is tight, offering payments to help out would be better than telling them to spend whatever they/mom/pop have now on the care/needs or changing any will to give the carers a larger share. If they eventually have to go to AL, especially on Medicaid, even if they just stay at home a live a really long time with more needs, more than likely there will be no inheritance (Medicaid requires spend down), so the carers would get shafted in the end! Plus, they most likely could use some monetary assistance NOW! The care-givers, unless they have a bonafide documented arrangement, have to beware taking any compensation from PIL. Any payments they receive from PIL will count against the PIL if Medicaid is needed.
5) Since you said you "visit once or twice a year", plan ahead, coordinate with care-givers and spend the first day or so doing all the tasks with their oversight (if needed) and then let them go enjoy the rest of the week off! Just letting them get away once or twice a year would be like us having a vacation. If they need help to pay for a hotel or someplace to stay, offer to pay for that as well (keeping it within your own means of course.)
6) Someone's suggestion about offering to help clear out, clean up (and fix things) would make my DAY! Many years of collecting "stuff", letting intense cleaning go and letting things degrade can end up being a real bear to handle after the fact. So during that "visit", see what needs to be done and DO IT! Not much of a vacation for you, but better to spend a few days of that visit doing these things than waiting and spending many months on it!
Summary: be present, be willing, offer to do whatever you can from a distance, keep in regular contact to check on everyone (conditions for all can change quickly, decisions may need to be made about how they are cared for, needs can change), be a shoulder to cry on
I know what it is like to have siblings, local and not, who really have not done their "share". Not totally distant, but not of much help either. None of us actually cared for mom, she was okay until early 90s dementia set in, and is now in MC (not quite 2 years now). I handle all the financials, paperwork, processing forms for financials, managing the trust fund and coordinate everything else (and I do mean EVERYTHING!) It would be difficult to "share" the financials, but I spend so much time every month on "handling" things and spent so many days over a year and a half driving 1.5 hours to spend time clearing stuff out and cleaning her condo so we can sell it (at least twice/month, it's almost like working: 3 hr round trip, 4-7 hours packing up, cleaning, transporting or tossing stuff.) Non-local brother came up a couple of times to help, and although I appreciated it, it really was not enough and he is not a pleasant person underneath. After his last visit and physical abuse, I'm done with him! HE was always telling me to take money from the trust to pay me for what I do, but I say no, because there is no wording in it for paying any of us. Also, we do not know how long she will live, so we need to preserve all that we can to cover her MC. I will not do take anything for what I do - if money is spent to fix something, yet, I get reimbursed from the trust fund (I am "ok" financially, but not enough to spend my money on her condo!) The other brother is still working, but he is so frustrating because he often does not respond to requests/queries (text, email, phone calls can all go unanswered for weeks.) He did step up at the very end and help finish it up (after my last visit I said I am DONE! I have physical limitations, cannot move heavy items and spent hours cleaning the appliances and handwashing the floor at the very end, augh!), but over the past year and a half? Nope. Very little time spent there.
Siblings and other family members come in all shapes and sizes. We cannot change those who do not help or step up in any way (or actually get in the way and make things worse!) Having someone like you who is willing to offer assistance from a distance - can I trade one of my brothers for your hubby, then you can be mom's DIL and offer to help!?!?!?! :-) I'd take you!
With that said it would be helpful if they could spend some time helping out but for some it will never be enough until their sibling has given up as much as they have. If you need help, ask. That is the first step.
The truth is, as you said, no one is hog-tied and forced into this, me included. I should probably call my kids, disregarding the fact that they have their own lives, and maybe guilt them into coming here to learn how to wipe Dad’s behind, roll him over in bed and wrestle the soaked and dripping sheets out from under him. Or, I should put my feelings of guilt aside and if we should qualify for the Medicaid Waiver I’ve applied for, put him in LTC facility. I’d have to “get rid of” my beloved dog, sell our home at a loss and find a tiny apartment. My husband would be so miserable in a facility he’d be dead within a year and I would blame myself for as long as I survived him. So, I know no human being is forcing me to do this, nothing is but circumstances. This scenario, if our finances continue to plummet, is a real possibility.
No, no one is forcing me to take on my husband’s care but myself, my love for him and my gratitude to him for taking care of ME for 44 years.
The first time I ever felt like someone understood how difficult it was to provide care for mom was at the hearing aid place. I had been with mom about six months probably at that time. Her hearing aids would not work no matter what I did, what I knew to do was nothing! When the tech cleaned the wax out of the microphone, low and behold the aids worked! I then had a melt down that is was so simple, and I just did not know. That tech was an angel, I still think of her often. She sent me a $100.00 gift card for a spa a couple of weeks later. Again, I had a melt down. What a wonderful person to come into my life, when I most needed it.
Some of those comments would have made me decide to get out of this forum! I did not see enough in Bodoki's posts to warrant some of the rude comments, such as "I would have ripped you to pieces verbally." or "Tell you to stay out of it." Is that REALLY necessary? Are we having a bad day and taking it out on someone else?
I am curious though, because tacy022 mentions "her other post" - has this Bodoki post been removed? I only see the original post and these:
"Truly appreciate your wisdom and honesty."
"Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I needed to hear this."
I see this woman as someone who does care enough to find a forum like this and ask for advice on how best to support the caregivers. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, but many siblings are absent, refuse to do ANYTHING to help and even can be detrimental. Given that she is an "in-law", all the more reason to support her in attempting to do what they can.
As for someone's comments about making her husband get his butt out there and with the siblings place mom and dad in a facility - what the hell was that all about? They have cancer, not dementia. Sure, they can be difficult even without dementia, and caring for cancer patients can be difficult too, but if they are of sound mind, the children have NO SAY in where the parents stay. Is the son who is care-giving fed up and wants out? Then suggest they look into helping the parents file for Medicaid, etc so they can get outside help. If the parents have money, then guide them into hiring help or finding a good place. You don't just move mom and dad to wherever because you don't feel like doing this anymore...
There is so much that seems to be missing here.
Talking on the phone is fine. I think I did a lot of venting. I did Try to ask my 7 siblings to contribute some money so that Dad & I can get Saturdays off. Didn't work. Not their problem. But, boy, when both parents died, they were all so fast to insist on dividing the money equally. sigh....
You're a good DIL for wanting to help. Read the comments. Take what you think you can do or handle. Skip all the comments that don't apply.
P.S... it's useless to send theater tickets as gift if the caregiver cannot find someone to watch the parents. It's like my sister-in-law calling me at 11:30am to luncheon with her family but … no one to watch both of my bedridden parents while I go out... Too last minute...
I haven’t left the forum but I needed time to read everyone’s response. Some I commented on and others I did not. No particular reason. I understand my original post angered many but I needed to know how care givers felt about “distance relatives” in other states that can’t or chose not to relocate...
Someone mentioned there’s more to my story and there is.
For instance, I get along very well with my SIL. I’m the fun aunti and most of the funds given has gone to my SIL and her children. Meanwhile, my hubby gives to his parents. For the most part my PIL are well care for by all of her children in various ways. They have medical coverage through more than one program that is overseen by their adult children. Their home/bills are covered and they are still mobiled but with a few limitations, as expected. My PIL has no intentions moving in with their adult kids (their words) and living with them is not an option as I’ve tried 2x.
I did stay with my in laws for a couple of months and assisted them where needed. I did not cook as much since they have a particular taste I’m not accustomed too. I cleaned their home and did errands as needed; Then I got burned out mainly because my MIL isn’t the easiest to get along with (leaving out details). Overall, I wasn’t ask to do this but I did it on my own and they appreciated it.
What I’ve done from a distance is give my PIL specialized certificates for their needs (leaving out details due to privacy). I call, I text and I always talk to my hubby about what he would like for me to do.
What you may not understand is some elderlys do not like non-relatives in their home. That’s the case with my PIL when we offered to hire extra-set of hands/care to help out my BIL. 😞
Sure I travel, but I never stated in my post rather or not I visit my inlaws. I do and have.
What I won’t agree to do is neglect my financial/motherly/marital/self responsibilities.
All being said, I appreciate “Everyone’s” comment including those venting their frustrations. Lots to learn 💕 and I’ve been taking notes knowing a few corrections are needed.
Just keep being supportive of both your hubby and the other siblings. One thing you and hubby might discuss, along with the in-laws and other siblings, is a plan for when your in-laws are no longer mobile, whether they might need skilled nursing or AL at some point down the road - maybe helping look at the options now and how and what each sibling can/will contribute to that end if it becomes necessary, who has medical and financial POA, etc. That way everyone is on the same page with a clear idea of the plan rather than having to scramble to find care at the last minute.
His own daughter had about 15 years of excuses why she or her family could not do a day of their share of the care and expense until l it came time to settle an the estate.
My husband was the one who traveled the distance to clean up the messes from renters three different times because each time his father had rented it to losers for "such a deal "
On top of that we ended up paying the delinquent taxes that dear old dad neglected to pay because he was a big spender when it came to those he wanted to impress
HE died in our home . but when it came time for funeral no sister then but when it came to selling estate that we had maintained here comes daughter demanding she be served first even hired a lawyer . Now she calls regularly demanding to speak with her brother whom she " loves so much"
Well now seems I have vented but will the anger and resentment ever go away?
My brother has lived in another state since he graduated from college and worked for the same company for almost 30 years. He HAS TO WORK to support his wife (who can no longer work d/t breast cancer). I have no problem with him having to work and I understand that his ability to visit his mother and myself is limited by his job and the current project he is working on. It is WHAT he does (or does not do) when he visits that upsets me.
Both of his children graduated from college and got married recently.
Over the past 30 years, my brother & his family have rarely visited my parents to "HELP" them and they usually were only able to visit at Christmas or for a "long weekend" (due to my brother's job which my parents and I completely understand and supported). They came to "VISIT" and "TO HAVE FUN & A VACATION".
Unfortunately that still holds true today. They come to visit Mom at the nursing home and have a meal with her at the nursing home and a meal with me at a restaurant and then they drive home 5- 8 hours to another state.
(I have had to ask them to stay at a motel and not at our house as it is too stressful to "entertain and feed" them each time they visit. They are NOT too happy about having to spend money on motels when they can sleep at the house--IF I sleep in the basement's regular size bed instead of my own queen size bed in my bedroom.)
Do they offer to help go through the family belongings in order to decide if either of their children want any of their ancestors' "junk"? (I am single with no children.) NO. When they come to VISIT (that is why they come--"TO VISIT" and not "TO HELP"). My niece even said that they will not be driving the 5 hours to visit as often as they used to since Grandma can no longer play any games or play cards (due to her Dementia). No mention of visiting me and playing games or cards with me. No mention of helping me take care of the yard or garden or anything.
I would love it if my brother or his family asked me if there is anything that they could do for me. My brother did send me some flowers for my birthday. His children (in their late 20's) sent nothing.
I am sorry that some of the responses have been harsh. It is not easy being a caregiver, whether we "chose" to be one because we love our parents or because our parents "encouraged and pushed us into choosing to be caregivers"....or because of both reasons together.
If you go to your Profile page and activate your Messages, then some of us can send you personal messages and you can send personal messages to any of us that you want to.
"bookluvr" has offered you some great suggestions. Other posters have also made some great suggestions (I just didn't take the time to list them all). Take those that you can apply to your situation and do them. Think about how the caregiver might feel before you offer your gift. If the suggestions or comments don't apply or if they upset you, go on to the next suggestion or comment. This is a extremely emotional and "loaded" question and topic.
If we quit work and moved up to be near my in-laws, we would be twice as far away from my elderly mother. Here, we are just about equal distance from them both. We have jobs here that would be difficult to replace in their location- not to mention loss of seniority and accrued benefits. Because we have jobs, we can provide financial assistance. Families are made up of many members. It is about balance. You need to balance the needs of individuals in your family and your own needs.
I think the brother in law that is in danger of losing his home because he decided to be the full time care provider for his parents is making a very poor decision and not considering the needs of his wife and children. Other family members can't be expected to support that choice unless they asked him to make that choice. And I believe Bodiki says his brothers tried to talk him out of it.
I think Bodiki is looking for suggestions on how to find a balance, as am I.
Isn't this a Caregivers forum?"
Yup. My thoughts are we are here to support and give some advice to those who are seeking it, even if it is just a shoulder to cry on, or how to help from a distance.
There are so many who post anger about family members who are absent. Absent = those who do NOTHING to help and/or criticize the one providing the care. It has nothing to do with where one lives or how far they are from those needing help. Not everyone can relocate, especially when they have younger children to be concerned with, so if their jobs/homes are located too far from the one needing care, any support has to be done from a distance.
In this case, I see a woman who WANTS to help and is looking for suggestions on how best to provide it. Initially that was all we were told, but her later responses adds more perspective.
I would LOVE to have Bodoki as a SIL - I would GLADLY take anything she could do to alleviate my situation, even if it was just to have someone I could vent MY frustrations to! One of my brothers often takes weeks before he responds to requests or questions. The other burned the bridge during his last visit by throwing me to the ground, twice! I am *DONE* with him (he is one who has also made some poor decisions in life and is paying for that now! Not as bad as losing his house, but nothing to show for years of working and continues to work now, even though he is 66 - not all choice in his case.)
One sister lives in Japan. So completely understandable she's not able to help in the more traditional ways. Not a problem. The issue I ended up having with her was on her last visit she really didn't spend time with Mom but instead decided to sort through her storage from the attic which was not in anyone's way try to have a yard sale and ran out of time so everything was left in my lap to clean up. I still have to rebox her things and move them back to the attic. Thank you for the extra work. Just what I needed. Also, she never checked in with me how's Mom? how are you? do you need anything?can I do anything ?nothing. There's this cracker that they have in Japan that I absolutely love. A little thing like her sending me some of those crackers to say hi or thanks or have a good day would have meant a huge deal to me, but alas, I received no gifts, or treats, phone calls, letters Etc. No emotional support whatsoever.
It was It was like I didn't exist at all.
Another sister lives up north about a 12 to 14 hour drive away. She doesn't have an outside job as her husband works and her children are grown residing locally but I never expected her to drop whatever she was doing and come down on a moment's notice but She would come down quite often and stay with Mom as her doctor is located here as well as some friends. The trips were never about the visit or help. She needed somewhere to stay while doing what she needed to do and while visiting friends. At first this is not a big deal when Mom did not need very much assistance. But when more help was required nothing changed. It was like we were a hotel. She had even stayed for 8 months for personal reasons and it was like pulling teeth to get her to help out with her own mother. I began to see patterns in her behavior while she was here. Lots of agreement to helping lots of promises but no follow-through. A lot of take and no give. Every time I needed her she seemed to disappear. After I had repeatedly explained how desperate I have become she feigned understanding while still leaving everything up to me and I work full time. It was a lot of empty promises, lies, and excuses. She could drop everything and help someone she just met even though it made my job for more difficult. I wasn't even a consideration. It was like I didn't exist at all.
My third sister lives locally and it was she who looked out for Mom prior to me moving in. Mom didn't require the same type of assistance but she did house renovations, errands, yard work, that with all my mom's phone calls, appointment and what not while working full-time. So I felt that this sister earned herself a break. I didn't want her to have to worried about Mom for a while because she had put in the effort already. I asked that she be my go-to person or second in command. At first this was fine however we are now at the point where she says she'll come over next week, next week, next week but never does. She will agree when I ask her to help me with task X but when the time comes she is left town. As close as we once were it seems I no longer exist.
It was okay that they weren't helping equally or that I was doing most of the work. My problem is their behavior. I began asking for help early 2015. I'm still waiting. I began 2 really start falling apart beginning of 2016. Yep still waiting. The winter of 2017 brought promises of help but at the first moment of free time my local sister went up to help my northern sister instead, without letting me know, while I had no heat and rats had moved into my kitchen. Big rats. Of course this seem to be of no importance to anyone but myself. Silly me! The fact that no one cared about us even though I had made it very clear help was needed was a crushing blow and made my situation incredibly worse. To be continued...
Whatever it is that you are able to do or whatever it is you have to offer would be a blessing. If the caregiver is not immediately accepting don't stop offering. Our heads are no longer screwed on straight and it can take us time to process an offer of help and see where it would best be applied.
For me personally, I needed to be considered a priority. Not all the time and certainly not before work or children. And not to the extent that it would cause harm for hardship to the family member. But to come before going to the beach, visiting friends, out having a good time... I've given up all those things and I would have so appreciated if everyone else could have given up just a little bit. If we had all worked together it would not have been a hardship for them and they could return to their regular life without worry. I truly was shocked and do not understand how Mom and myself became so unimportant and our Health and Welfare meant nothing.
The gift of time is priceless. Caregivers need and deserve a break but we never get one. My local sister came and stayed to help shortly before mom's passing which was great but I was still conferred with on every move. If they had never done a certain task before it was always I'll let you do it. This does not help me. I figured it out so can you.
Listen to the caregiver and take them seriously. Even if what they may be asking for doesn't quite make sense to you it's what they need. I certainly didn't want to have to explain my every thought process behind my request to everyone all the time. Please just help me with things I need help with. I'm asking for a reason. My northern sister asked me to leave her a list of things I needed to be done. So I wrote a simple condensed list of things that were easy for her to do with the top two marked as important. When I got home from work she was ripping weeds out from a section of the garden ??? This was not on the list. How does this help me with mother? I know I mentioned the Garden in passing weeks before but this is the end of the season. It was a sunny day and my sister wanted to be outside so she chose to do this instead of what I asked for . This does not help me. The list I wrote out fell back onto my shoulders. She was offended that I was not grateful.
Say say what you mean and mean what you say. Stop telling me you're going to come over when you're not. Stop telling me you'll deal with x when you don't. Stop making me empty promises. Just stop. I need to plan ahead. I make decisions around what someone has said they'll do. When you don't follow through on your word you have no idea how much that screws me up. And it's just another disappointment and heartbreak for me. Believe me when I say I am already an emotional mess. That is something I definitely don't need help with.
There there will be times where you are unable to assist in the manner that I require. I get that. But there are other little considerations that could be done. And providing emotional support. Don't feel guilty on your own and then deal with that by ignoring us. Stop treating me like I don't exist. Stop acting like I don't matter. Stop making your life more important then mine.
I would have loved gift certificates for a massage OMG. A manicure or pedicure. Something that I needed for myself that was being neglected. Something that helps stress. Treat me like a real person who has valid thoughts and hurt feelings, who is tired beyond belief. Give me the benefit of the doubt when I fly off the handle. I'm not crazy, I'm just at the end of my rope. I'm not an asshole, I'm just trying to be heard when nothing else has worked. Please don't Let Me Drown.
I truly believed my sisters would be there if I really needed them. I was wrong. I feel like I've been kicked when I'm down and that is why I'm angry and bitter. I feel as though no good deed goes unpunished.
Are your husband and you on the same page? Meaning, is he also going to see them only once or twice a year or is he going more frequently by himself, and is he truthfully ok with that?
Are your PIL being taken care of somehow (Nursing facility, another relative that is nearby) or are they completely by themselves? Whichever the answer is, are they and your husband ok with the situation?
As a reminder and side comment, although I understand what you mean, not all elders are guilty of not planning properly for their late years. Not everyone has the possibility to plan ahead and also, many times life simply happens. We all have faced that reality one way or another at any age.
My questions have to do with the fact that guilt is a terrible enemy for present and future peace of mind, and if your husband is not honestly and fully on board with the way the situation is being handled he will very likely struggle with guilt and with many ‘should have’s’ that may hunt him and your relationship in the future. Just keep that in mind and evaluate if there is something else or something different that you could do, FOR HIM, and not because you feel you are -using your own words- “the one that people hate”, but simply and completely, out of love.
Again I'll say, time is priceless. If you don't have the time to help me please find the time to visit your Elder and make them feel special. There was no way I was going to let Mom exit feeling forgotten or unloved. I tried to do everything I could think of to make up for the slack of others. And although it felt like chewing on sandpaper I always covered for their lack of attention.
This must this must be my fourth post on this thread. I keep coming back to it again and again. Probably because I cannot express these things at this time to my own siblings without it causing confrontation and I obviously have things to get off my chest. So thank you for asking the question. It seems you have put thought into the situation and have concerns about what you should or should not be doing. This is already much more then the usual lip service given by family members or the obligatory "make sure you take care of yourself " as they're walking out the door.
Being being a part of the caregiver process does require some sacrifice. Most caregivers do not expect others to sacrifice everything. A little can go a long way. Take every second vacation to visit and help with or without grandchildren. Make a couple extra visit with the kids so the grandparents can enjoy them before it's too late. Go without the husband or vice versa if together is not feasible. Be flexible and creative and try to work things in without denying yourself, your family, or your happiness. I've always said that if someone wants to do something they will find a way to make it happen no matter what. It's only the things that people don't want to do that seem impossible to make happen. Caregivers don't want your life to be miserable. You matter too. But so do I. More often than not, instead of everyone participating a little it's all or Nothing. All of our time and energy and money and nothing from others. For whatever reason, intentional or unintentional, lack of communication or misunderstandings, selfishness or obliviousness the All or Nothing is more then just unfair, it's hurtful. And for me, it's the hurt that drives all the negativity and anger I feel.
Whew...you know, I do feel a little lighter now.
Hugs to all you caregivers out there. You are a group of special and amazing people. Don't ever forget that. 💛
My mother loves getting cards. She proudly displays them on her table. I've noticed that for her birthday, Mother's Day, and Christmas two of my brothers send cards. Sonny-No-Show never does. One of my SILs was visiting one time when the cards were displayed, and she asked my mother, "Where's ___'s card?" "Oh, he's just too busy," was my mother's reply.
This is the same brother who didn't bother to visit my parents for FIVE YEARS. And he was only a few states away, within driving distance! And now he hasn't been here for more than a year and a half. Another brother offered to bring him down with him, and he said he'd "look into it," but then never got back to the brother who'd offered the ride.
And yet this brother is the golden child (funny, he wasn't when he was growing up; that honor went to my youngest brother). My mother had ordered me to do some unnecessary online research one time, and I suggested that Sonny-No-Show could do it. She immediately went into her crying/shaking/blaming and shaming routine, telling me HIS time was worth much more than MINE. And other insults.
My mother turned 92 earlier this month. In past years, we would take her and my oldest son (whose birthday is three days earlier) out for lunch or dinner. We don't do that anymore, because she's insufferable and can out of the blue insult my oldest son. While I usually give her something for Mother's Day (flowers or cookies I bake), this year I just gave her a card for both Mother's Day and her birthday. It's the least I can do (pun intended).
Hahaha Hahaha. That's funny.
I know what you mean. I did everything, everyday, day in and day out, no matter what but it was Sister Tsunami who was her favorite. I know it was because she lived abroad and Mom missed her. It's always easier to forget the negative things about people when they're never around. I must say though, its stung pretty bad when I first heard it.
As to the fact that this is a cargivers' forum and you are not a caregiver, I applaud you for actually taking the initiative to ask what you can do. To me, you are welcome here. I wish more family members would visit here and see what our lives have become. I wish my family would offer to help and actually mean it....actually do it. Saying I wish I could help or let me know if you need help is not enough. Just wade in and do something. Even to give a much needed break.
I'm lucky in that my mom is fairly high functioning, but that is starting to dwindle. I work full time and when I'm slammed at work, like now, and then have more and more to do for her I find myself flailing. It is hard to juggle everything and keep all the plates spinning.
"I wish I could help you but...."
"I would give you a hand but...."
"Let me know if you need help... oh, that weekend doesn't work for me"
"How can I help? Oh, I'm not very good at that"
"What's the problem? I asked if you needed help...not my fault it wasn't a good time for you"
"Things could always be worse you know"
"Well, you could always move"
"Desperate? Can you put that in context?"
"You need to take better care of yourself"
Any sentence beginning with "you should...."
The list goes on and on....and they are so pleased with their generosity of offering help I guess no follow through is required.
All I hear now is the noise that all the adults in the Peanuts cartoons sound like when talking. You hear it but it doesn't mean anything.
Please stop asking me 10 questions on every move. You're an adult make a decision. Google it. I had to....No I'm not going to do it because I know how ...its a great way for you to learn. Worked for me. No I'm not going to do it once to show you while you talk on the phone. No I cant hold your hand through the whole process, I kinda need both of them right now. I'm sorry, half way done is not done. I know it's frustrating and its driving you crazy but could you try and persevere for longer than 4 hours? Would some advil not help your headache so you don't have to leave for home and lie down. We also have beds here. Cant take anymore of this? Having a meltdown? Ummm.. It's been 48 hours since you arrived.
Oh, ok. Well bye. Drive safe.
Sigh...
Yes, so true I'm glad you are finding your way. Perspective is a powerful thing. I'm working on it day by day. I know my anger and bitterness only affects me and no one else. I'm working towards peace of mind and soul regardless of others but it is not an easy task. It doesn't help that my job has been extremely stressful for a long time as well. I get zero breathing room. My own life is still falling through the cracks while I deal with the executor duties now. They say relax, don't worry, you have time... But what they're not hearing is that it is such a weight on my emotional well-being and in turn, my overall health that I need it to be done so I can move forward. I can barely look towards tomorrow, next week, or next month with any certainty or confidence or even hope with the task of dealing with mum's things, while living in the same house, hanging over my head. They were just here today and the talk was of buying another property. A good investment they said. I haven't even closed the estate yet and the subtle pushing to sell has begun. Just trying to include you they said. Untrue. No discussion with me of where or what or when. Just wanting me to get on board with what they have already decided on on for themselves. I said that if they were asking me today the answer would be no. I got quite the stink eye for that response. I can't be honest about how I feel as there are two of them and one of me. I am outnumbered . Do they think I can't see them roll their eyes at each other after I say something or do something? I don't want to use the word selfish because that's not really the case but I think self-absorbed might be appropriate. I've heard them both speak about the exact same things I'm thinking and feeling in other scenarios involving them but somehow the same considerations do not apply to me. I actually had a breakdown today while they were here. It was overwhelming and I couldn't breathe. But I have these moments in private because if I stand up for myself and disagree it becomes an argument and naturally I'm wrong. If I raise my voice because I'm being talked over and not allowed to finish my sentence I'm being an asshole. If I try to explain my desperation or break down and cry then I'm just a drama queen. If I try to hold it together, stay quiet and leave the room, I'm rude. I know I can't win but I don't want to win anyting. I want to be heard. I want to be cared about. I was very close with one of the siblings. She was my sister and my best friend. Out of the blue I lost that and I'm left standing here wondering WTF happened? These two sisters did not have a strong relationship growing up and have not spoken to each other for over 20 years. Now they are almost inseparable and I have been voted off the island. I think they have a lot in common and relate much better now so naturally they would Bond. I just don't understand why that has to push me out into the cold. I felt important when I was taking care of Mom and now I feel like dirt. It may not sound like it but I'm trying my best not to obsess about things I cannot change. To look Within Myself for the answers and the power to shape my own future but damn it I'm just not finding the strength to deal with the hurt, sadness, and pain right now. One day I'll get there it's just not today.
That in itself is a selfish trait.
It is important to remember that it would be insane to have your husband quit his job to tend to his elder out of state parents. He has his own family to worry about, financially. As well as his own and your elder care in the future.
Do you want to burden your own children with your care? As his parents did. It is not that difficult to plan.
It is important to remember that these people who live close have chosen to be caregivers.
They can most likely put the elder person in a facility, but they likely do not want to spend their inheritance to do so.
Meanwhile, they act like selfless heroes.
Call "A place for Mom". They will tell you how to use your parent-in-laws own money and benefits to care for them.
Your relatives, the ones who want her money, will likely be even more hateful of you.
Financial elder abuse is a growing concern, and when a family member does not want to use the elder's asset for a good care facility that is considered elder financial abuse.
Reading this reply it reads as a little one sided.
Also there is such a thing as caregiver abuse. Taking advantage of nice people - Taking advantage of kindness and compassion.
Wouldn't it just be so convenient to drop our families at a nice care center and be on with it.?
Whoopsie, did we forget
A. The parents' wishes and what they want?
B. Acting on the parents best interest? which is not always a "facility"
C. Compassion
D. the fact that the parent may outlive their money?
Everyone's situation is different. You obviously have not cared for someone with a long term disease, or are looking at this through a quite narrow scope.
Interesting points that most caregivers will laugh at
But since one brother lives out of state, another brother has a hellish situation with a hellish wife, and I am not working nor need to work, I am the one who ended up taking care of everything.
Again, looking back, I would not trade that for the world, to have been the one to take care of my dad in his final months. It was difficult from a time and energy point of view, and although my dad was easy, my mom was nuts. But I will always treasure the fact I was the one able to provide care and comfort to my dad in his final weeks on this earth.
Again, looking back, I would not trade that for the world, to have been the one to take care of my dad in his final months. It was difficult from a time and energy point of view, and although my dad was easy, my mom was nuts. But I will always treasure the fact I was the one able to provide care and comfort to my dad in his final weeks on this earth." )
Karsten:
What an excellent reply. Kudos to you.
You are caregiving for all the right reasons and you have realistic expectations from your other family members.
You are caregiving out of love, not in expectation of an emotional or financial reward of any type. It also seems that you enjoy caregiving. I am appalled at all the complaints I see daily on this forum
You also have empathy for their financial and work situations.
I can only imagine how harmful it may be to an ill family member to feel resentment flowing off of the caregiver daily.
Caregiving is a tough job. It should not be taken on accept out of love.
I took on caregiving for my Grandfather as well as an elderly friends who was fearful of her own children because of feelings of resentment from some of them. As well as the infighting, she witnessed among her children.
I did not in my granfather's case expect others to help. I also do not expect my elder friends children to help.
I volunteered as the caregiver. I am doing it out of love and concern. I am glad if other visit and offer help, but I do not expect it.
Sending hugs.
And for those who HAVE planned and saved, they often still come up short. I have this conversation all the time with my in-laws, who are the primary care navigators for my MIL as she falls into dementia (yes, I know these parents have different issues) while my husband has financial POA. The money is going quickly because she needs 24-hour supervision and it can't be agreed upon how that's being implemented. I keep trying to tell them that this is a long haul and we're going to be in trouble ourselves if we don't plan more carefully with her money.
That said, whether or not the PILs planned ahead or not, this woman has basically stated that she's not going to let her husband help, not her problem and she's going to mosey on with her life.