I’m the daughter in law some of you are going to hate. The one who has the freedom to travel and go as she pleases within limits. Meanwhile, my PIL are living in another state battling cancer. I’m the one you despise since your up day and night caring for your elderly parent while I’m at home resting and taking care of my children. I’m the one who lives states away and only visit once or twice a year. I’m the one who wouldn’t dare agree with hubby quitting his job (not at his age), and spending all his retirement 💵 on his parents elderly care just so we can later demand and burden our children by starting the cycle all over again.
I’m so sorry this is happening to soo many families and it angers me that many parents didn’t plan for their senior care and living arrangements. It’s not fair despite the unconditional love.
That being said, for those of you that are caregivers to your parents, what type of assistance would be helpful?
Basically, What can “I” do to alleviate some of the stresses and resentment towards distant family members and siblings?
~Sincerely someone on the opposite side 💐
Get off your high horse and ask your in-laws, genuinely, what they want and need. Then listen to them and do it.
it is not.
What will an old person do if all their children die before them. It happens. Often.
In my business I see this a lot. I see 94 plus year old people who have outlived their children and now they are up the creek without a paddle.
Whose fault is that?
Conversely, I see people that HAVE planned, for poor heath and senility, and things go smoothly.
It is not responsible to relegate responsibility to other people. It is not wise to counsel people to depend on others.
Why? Because there is no guarantee those people will be emotionally, physically or financially able to help you.
Whatever happened to personal responsibility?
People should be advised to plan and seek out appropriate aid early. Not to depend on others.
Why should anyone listen to what someone else whats and needs and then do it for them?
What they need gets some leeway, but what they WANT is simply off the table.
Are those wantful people listening to what their daughter-in-law needs.
No one who plans for retirement will run out of money for care because their are agencies that can supplement their costs.
However people need to plan early and save accordingly and seek out appropriate legal guidance. Too few people bother to do this.
Planning may mean fewer vacations, a smaller home, fewer toys, fewer dinners out and visiting an elder care attorney in their 50s to seek advice.
It's not brain surgery.
Perhaps some are venting their own anger at unhelpful, unresponsive family. Whatever their reason is for lambasting you, it should not be posted here. This forum is for HELPING others, not for passing judgement. Clearly Bodoki is already receiving that from her BIL and/or family.
I might add also that every one of her responses has been thankful and gracious, even to some posts that were not the most forgiving. Perhaps some of you could take a few pointers from Bodoki...
Perhaps Bodoki can confirm this please (and correct any misconceptions here or below)?
While it sounds like the parents need assistance, it does not sound like a full-time job, at least not yet. BIL quit his job to "take care of them", and is now struggling with no income, on the verge of losing the home, etc. Well, how is this Bodoki's fault? Why should she/her family be dumped on because they are not bailing them out (whether or not they have the funds is NOT the question here - even if they did, this is NOT the right answer.) Are they supposed to bail him out for a really stupid (perhaps altruistic, perhaps not, we don't know WHY he did this) decision? OP's husband should quit his job to move/help out as well and put THEIR family into the same predicament?? What are some of you thinking? Two families are supposed to give up everything to care for these parents and then end up with nothing, no means to care for their own families or their own future needs?
Bodoki, I believe, truly feels for them, but it is NOT their responsibility to bail them out. I could feel bad for a sibling who did this, and provide some assistance, etc, to a point. As a matter of fact I did try helping my son out when he LOST his job and had to take a lower paying job, but eventually had to stop and say if I continue this we will BOTH end up homeless!! HOW DOES THAT HELP ANYONE? BTW, he DID end up losing the house. So I guess that makes ME an OGRE too!!! I am ogre, hear me roar!
So Bodoki posted questions about what she/they can do to provide help and what she could do to alleviate the guilt trips being laid on them. Moving, quitting job, etc is really not the right thing for them to do. She HAS spent time there with the PIL, helping out, and though it was appreciated, she was not really welcome in the home. Can the brother not take a job to have income? Does his wife work? Perhaps if the PIL need a lot pf help during the day, he could take a night job? Work around it. If you willy-nilly give up your job with NO plan, then you should expect consequences. Perhaps they thought this was a short-term issue. Did they try the family leave first, then find themselves in a situation that could drag on for years? WHOSE FAULT IS THAT? You should not be dumping on Bodoki because the she/they chose not to make the same stupid decisions. If the parents have sufficient income and refuse in-home care or a facility, then THEY should be paying reasonable wages to BIL for his time, but DOCUMENT IT LEGALLY to avoid any future issues with Medicaid should it be needed.
BTW, I repeat again to all who say something along the lines of 'put them in a home' - they are NOT, to the best of my knowledge, incompetent, therefore you CANNOT do this. THEY have to make that decision and they have already, I believe, stated they don't want to move.
Given that many siblings and in-laws are useless, no-shows (until it is time for any inheritance) and often are combative, deceptive, destructive, divisive and do everything they can to make the job of the care-givers more difficult, then this SIL should be viewed as a helping angel. She WANTS ideas on how to help (without giving up the farm, so to speak.) She has asked for advice, not criticism. If you have nothing positive or helpful to provide to this discussion, then don't post anything.
I I think the same idea applies to the brother-in-law here. One person cannot make decisions or move forward with actions without discussing it with the others and then have an expectation of what the family is supposed to do that they never agreed to. Maybe there was a group discussion about caring for the parents and maybe the brother-in-law was told giving up your job at this time is not the best idea but he went ahead with it anyways. Whatever the scenario is the decisions the BIL made certainly we're not working for everyone. Not for himself, his wife and children, his parents his siblings and extended family. And it has been many decisions badly made to get to where they are losing the house not just one. I'm sure there were many red flags along the way warning of impending doom. Many chances 2 fix the situation before it became so dire.
Everyone has the right to live their own life and be happy. Everyone needs to be responsible for their own actions and accept consequences. The decisions and choices you make on your own are not my decisions or choices. I cannot take credit for the good things you do for your parents or covet any rewards but I'm also not responsible for the consequences. You do not get to make choices for me. How does one neglect loved ones to care for other loved ones. I think the responsibility should be to the wife and children first and parents second. Especially if the children are young and dependent on you. You read it time and time again on this forum about caring for yourself or you won't be able to care for others. Being a caregiver is hard, heartbreaking work. You lose so much of yourself before you even know it. But it doesn't mean you are not still responsible for yourself.
In a perfect world, where Human Nature doesn't get in the way, all of the family should sit down as a group, via video chat if necessary, and discuss the options. Bounce Around different ideas about the best way to move forward. Verbally Express what each individual is willing or not willing to take on so it is clear to everyone. No hidden expectations or surprise demands. Parents not ending up feeling guilty that this is somehow their fault. No guilt trips on family members who are helping and supportive. As the situation changes there should be another group meeting Etc
Back to back to reality...
when you have a relative like the poster who is sincere , concerned, and wants to help how did the situation get so bad? Did bil say anything along the way before this point? Living close to his parents is an excellent idea but I'm wondering why he is not working. Are there no jobs available in the same city? Lacking further information something doesn't sound right there.
My other advice Remains the Same. Small Things count. Be supportive. Make sure they know you care. Make a few sacrifices to give them a helping hand. Gear your assistance towards the parents and your nieces /nephews who are unfortunate victims here. I am a resentful caregiver who cannot believe the self-absorbed Behavior of my siblings that I experienced before mom's death and I'm continuing to experience now. However, I do not agree that it's your responsibility to bail him out. There's a line between sacrificing for and helping out ailing parents and being responsible for the consequences of another person's choices. Try not to let their attitude get to you or stop you from trying to help. Good luck to you.
But, what I wish from my MIA(Missing in Action) siblings and anyone for that matter. Is just to make my Mom and once my Dad smile. I and DH with the Lord's help have got everything else covered.
I only wish they would call her, send her cards or letters, visit. Just anything to make her feel loved by them and smile.
That is the ONLY thing I wish from them. I do not seek
any assistance, any of their money, any thing, just make their Mother smile and feel loved.
Something so simple and takes little effort, that is all.
She has always loved her children and family they were her life under God. So it's so sad when they run away from a Mother who sacrificed all for her family. I would do anything I possibly can for her, because she has always done the same. Sometimes it seems we just can't get over being human and caring only for our wants.
I know a lot do not understand nor believe, but when you rely on the Lord and trust Him over self or others, there is no fear of what if's. We just do. Knowing He will take care of us. If I use all my Money to care for my Mom, I have no doubt the Lord will provide what I need when it's time, he always has.
Honour is a huge thing with Him, I dare not question why, I only seek how.
The way my mom would smile and laugh, or the way her face lit up when I entered the room is the only reason I would do it again and when the dust finally settles it will be the one thing I will carry with me always.
I remember thinking when I was taking care of my Mom before she died, don't phone me up and ask me what should I do? Think about the situation. What do you think needs being done and then just do it. If I'd already done it, then move on to the next thing. When I saw Mom's needs I didn't phone everyone in the family up and say "should I do this?" I just did it cause it needed to be done.
I remember my brother phoning me up one evening saying "I just saw Mom, and she doesn't look so good" It was obvious to me that he was waiting for me to say, Oh don't worry, I'll take care of it. If you saw a person laying on the side of the road who looked like they needed help what would you do. Go up to the first person you see and get them to do something and then walk away whistling. No, if you are a decent human being you help, the best way you know how.
So Anonymous, if you are a somewhat educated person, think about your question for a moment. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know how to help someone if you have even half a brain.
I did what I did for my dear departed Mother cause I adored her. But even if I had not had the close relationship I had with her I would have still helped her cause that's what good people do.
Because you live out of state, you can not divine what type of help is needed.
The people living closest need to communicate their needs to you.
There expectations of the type of help you an offer should be realistic, too.
Your husband would certainly be foolish to quit his job and destroy his family's welfare.
Any mildly educated person will have no difficulty realizing that having your husband quit his job would be an insane action, and it would be thoughtless to expect anyone to do that.
When you offer suggestions to the caregiver in your family, the caregiver in charge needs to listen and consider them......each and every one. They should not be making the decisions unilaterally.
If these people want you involved they need to give you decision making responsibilities.
To many caregivers I work with, expect their family members to read their minds.
Too many caregivers also make assumptions rather than asking for clarification from other family members. They also too often want to take total control, yet they still want to complain that no one helps.
Here is the thing, if a caregiver is taking on the responsibility of caregiving knowing that their other family members are not in a position to help, and if they are truly doing the caregiving because they feel it is the right thing to do.......Then they need to be doing it without complaint, if they want to be taken seriously.
A decent human being, who lives close to the needy parent would realize that a family member living miles away is not in a position to offer too much help. Emotional support, perhaps, not much else.
No one with even half a brain would expect a brother with children to travel across the country, if his work situation does not allow it, or worse quit a job to help out. Not everyone can take time off from work without getting fired. Some people are day workers and paid by the day or the hour....no vacation included.
One problem is that as Digustedtoo mentioned, there are people who are presenting themselves as the selfless caregiver hero, when perhaps the reality is that there is something in it for the caregiver.
For example, some claim they have given up their job but they are living with the needy parent rent free. Some are the POA or share the joint bank account with the needy parent but have never given the brother an accounting of the funds available to the parent. Some do not want to spend down the parents assets to put them in a facility because they do not want to lose their inheritance.
Medicare pays for CNA and therefore caregiving need not be a full time job.
If someone wants to make it there full time job, then that is their unilateral choice.
If they made that choice, whether it was to keep an inheritance intact or out of adoration for the parent, then they have no right to complain.
If they are living in the needy parents home rent free, they should bear the brunt of the responsibility for care without complaint.
If a caregiver adores their parent, then taking care of her should be a privilege not a burden.
That caregiver should also realize that perhaps their siblings had a very different relationship with the parent. There are a lot of dysfunctional parents out there.
Some target only some of their children for abuse, while showering others with undue love an affection.
Lastly, as "DisgustedToo" wrote in her August 24th posting: "Can the brother not take a job to have income? Does his wife work? Perhaps if the PIL need a lot pf help during the day, he could take a night job?"
Those are all good questions to ask.
-Offer respite. Go (or have you husband go) and take over the cares for a week every few months. I guarantee the caregivers are exhausted and would welcome the luxury of a few good nights sleep.
-Find out what you can do from a distance. Have groceries delivered to the house. Set up and pay for a cleaning service once a week. Offer to make phone calls to insurance companies/doctors offices/pharmacies. If PIL still in their house they may be in need of home repairs that have fallen by the wayside because of their illnesses - call the fence guy, have the lawn mowed or the house power washed.
-Show some compassion. Even with the best laid financial/physical plans many elderly people still need help in areas they didn't anticipate. Mobility issues, inability to drive, failing vision/hearing, memory problems...can you honestly say you've considered every possibility as you've planned for your own retirement?
Above all else remember this - when a caregiver is overwhelmed modest amounts of help can go a very long way. It's really not that hard.