Solutions to caregiving decisions. Am I bad for being scared?

I wouldn't take on this caretaking because they are abusive. Experts advise not to caretake abusive people because we've already suffered enough and because we might be tempted to retaliate. For instance, my mother has narcissistic personality disorder and I have a lifetime of memories of her cruelty. I returned, thinking I might help her in her old age, only to find that she's even more mean, crazy, spoiled, selfish, manipulative, ignorant than before. Last year I was having vivid fantasies of shoving the old snot off a tall cliff. It's best for me to stay away.

Even if they weren't abusive, you'd be wise to concentrate on developing a fulfilling life, your work and resources. You only live once so I hope you don't waste yourself on mean people, who do not change. The time goes quickly.

Absolutely no. These old folks will take you down. Live your life.

No you are not being "selfish" in the way you mean, you are taking care of yourself as well as taking care of your Grandmother, Uncle and Dad. I don't think your dad is being selfish either, he is simply looking for the best possible scenario he can find. How many times have I seen people upset because the job of caring for a grandparent wasn't offered to them first.

I have no idea if there might be other circumstances that made your dad think you might want to move to Hawaii and do this or where he lives (maybe selfishly he thought it might bring you closer to him?) but he is bound to understand that uprooting your life and moving across the country to care for your difficult grandmother and uncle just isn't feasible for you. I wouldn't say "are you crazy" or anything, maybe even let him know how touched you are he thought of you and thought you would be a good choice to handle the situation, agreeable to you Gmother but it just isn't something you feel you can take on. If you are able and they are able to pay for it you could offer to go for a limited time to help out but only if that's something you are driven to do and can do not with the thought it might become permanent unless that's your idea and it doesn't sound like it is. No guilt either way IMHO

Now that my head has stopped exploding and I've stopped hyperventilating from the predicament you've been placed in, I feel I can offer a straight-forward solution.

This situation screams out for a geriatric care manager. They'll do a needs assessment of each person and set up a care plan. Care managers are usually former nurses or social workers who specialize in addressing the changing care needs of people for the families who are no longer equipped to respond. They may work independently or with a broader-based care agency. Importantly, they have experience and connections to of all the resources to respond to each situation. Care situations can change overnight with an illness, fall, or hospitalization rendering everything already in place invalid. These experienced individuals can respond quickly to meet the new needs.

These individuals might be tracked down through the internet for local resources, a senior center, the local council on aging, perhaps the AARP site, through universities who offer degree programs in these areas, through hospitals who employ them to assemble a discharge plan, through Home Health providers, local clergy may keep a list, and perhaps through support organizations like Alzheimer and stroke care, for starters.

Dad will pay for the assessments for each of his relatives and retain these qualified experts to respond as future needs arise.

There are other problems here beyond just Gram's and Uncle's needs. There is a flashing caution sign that says "Boundries Work Ahead." Many of us on this forum are caring for people who are abusive, narcissistic, mentally ill, cognitively challenged, and physically impaired. Some of us are caring for people who didn't care well for us. Your dad's instinct to treat your life, time, and energy as a disposable extension of his own as a matter of convenience to himself set off a lot of alarm bells for some of us. I'm sorry to tell you that people who are abusive, manipulative, or exploitive don't have your best interests at heart, even when they're called mom or dad. The advice to you to initiate and engage your own life at your early stage of adulthood is spot on.

Finally, I want to recognize you for having the wisdom to seek advice from the knowledgeable and experienced people on this forum. You are well-meaning and tenderhearted concerning your family but most of us have learned that it takes so much more than that in this situation.

Best to you.

I'm not even going to be eloquent about my reaction or suggestion. I didn't read all the replies either, but those I did read are telling you not to feel responsible or guilty, and
I agree! What a load of cow crap that just because you are young and single that you should be expected to take on caring for an elder AND disabled person!!!! DO NOT DO IT!!!!!! It sucks. You will grow bitter and resentful. You will want to die some days just to get away from the situation. You will have NO LIFE. And if you think anyone will give a care about your health. It's a trap! Stay in Texas!!

Nooooo! Just no.
I would live in lean-to in the dryest most barren corner of Texas before I'd move to Hawaii and take on THAT job! You will NEVER get to enjoy Hawaii, believe me.
We are all guessing you are maybe 30-ish. You have many years ahead to live your life. You will absolutely have NO life if you take on that job. You will be damned lucky to get to read a book or even leave the house for an hour to get groceries.

I'm so worried for you that I just can't get this out of my head. As an addendum to my previous answers I'd like you to consider that your dad is an enabling member of a dysfunctional and abusive family. People are trained to be enablers of poor dynamics through the use of manipulation using the emotions of guilt and selfishness. When enablers run out of steam appeasing unrealistic demands, such as those of his family who want their requirements met at the expense of everyone else's, they attempt to locate fresh energy as a stand-in for themselves. I'm sure your dad loves you but he doesn't appear to know how to break out and do better. You have been backed to the very precipice of becoming an enabler yourself. I can attest to the fact that there can be relationship repercussions for the person who defects from the system in favor of rational choices, but your response here matters for the rest of your life. I really hope you read up a bit on enabling behavior so you can pass this important life test.

FromDaisycat do not do this I have been responsible for my parents since I was 16yrs old my dad is deceased my mom is now 86 and I am so tired sometimes I just don't want to do this any more I have never been able to live my life the way I wanted to not worth it

This is a huge request. And know that it will impact your life in every way. I was caregiver for both of my parents, for over 20 years. No one ever thought it would be that long. The effects it had on my life and my marriage were monumental, and we are still dealing with the aftermath.

Love your parents, grandparents, uncles, etc., but take care of yourself. I can't imagine not doing it, but I wish I had had some other options - 4 siblings, but I was the only one that helped.

Contact your local Area Agency on Aging, Senior Protection Agency, a social worker. Get information before you make such a huge decision. I'm saying prayers for all of you.

This is NOT your responsibility! I have been part time and full time caregiver of my parents for 18 years. I moved from Dallas back to Houston, because my mom kept telling me how forgetful and how often my dad was getting sick. I gave up my job, my family (I had 3 new grand-kids at the time). 3 of my grand-sons are now college age and the youngest (4th) is now 12 and in middle school. My dad fell in Feb. 2012, breaking his hip for the 2nd time and had to go to a Skilled Nursing Facility for Rehab. Because of his dementia, the VA said he couldn't do it in the hospital. He got an infection in the facility and passed away at my house in June. Mom had moved in with me in February of 2012, when he fell, because of her heart attack in Jan. of 2012. My dad was at our house while she was in the hospital.
Now she is 92 and has multiple health and mental issues. Just in this past year, she will have been in the hospital 4 times and skilled nursing facility for rehab. This week she is about to got to one again. She will be there about 3 weeks and resents it when I do not come every day.
Mom is frail, sometimes won't eat, won't drink fluids, sometimes can't even walk to bed. I am nearly 75 years old, with a new "heart Valve" in 2015. It wears me out to take care of my mom, even though I love her dearly. But some days, it is more than I can stand.
Because I am an only child, I felt I had no choice but to come home and watch over them, take care of them. This care included multiple trips to doctors, hospitals, doing things for them at there home, taking care of one of them while the other was in the hospital, etc, etc, etc.
You can imagine, a lot of things happened in the last 18 years.
Maybe I sound bitter and I guess I am a little. My mom promised to move back to Dallas, when dad died. Then she wouldn't do it. Now, I not only have her to take care of, but all of her finances and personal needs. I am married, but my husband (2nd) has a job and doesn't want to move back.
We have no other family here. I very much miss mine.
It has cost me too much of my life, being the "Good Daughter". My sons and grand-sons basically lost a mom and grand-mother. When I look back now, I realize that my parents, while loving parents, were/are selfish people, who always kept me under their thumb. Almost every decision I have made in my life, revolved around their needs, wants, approval.
I am trying to come to terms with myself, over placing my Mother in a nursing home, even though it is difficult for me to care for her any longer. Her doctors think I should and so does mine. It is something I swore, I would not do. She will probably live only a few more months with all her problems, but it hurts me to have to do it. At the same time it "hurts" me to not do it.

My advice to you, is don't ever do to yourself, what I have done to myself. Love your family, but don't let them run you. Live your life to the fullest!

Taking care of your uncle and grand-mother is NOT your responsibility. Suggest your dad get skilled help in Hawaii. Tell your Grandmother she does not have a choice, if she keeps acting out, she WILL have to go into a home.

DON'T GIVE UP YOUR LIFE AND DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT!

Root word of "Selfish" is "SELF", you are too young to lose your SELF in an effort to become a caregiver to your uncle and grandmother. Just wondering, why isn't Dad stepping up to help his Mom and brother or BIL instead of asking you?
I too had nobody willing to "step up" to care for an aging step parent (parents divorced 31 years ago) so I took on the role completely unprepared for how much
of my own identity would be consumed. Visiting for a week or a month is nothing like 24/7 care 7 days a week. You will never get to enjoy living in Hawaii except by car as you drive to endless medical appts., banking, grocery shopping.
Please direct your father to www.elderlyaffairs.com he can find many resources there as a starting point for services available on O'ahu.
If your grandmother doesn't want "outside" help you will be her FULL time attendant. Do not subject yourself to her's or your uncles verbal or violent behavior, unfortunately it will likely intensify. Best wishes to you.

Dear Yurchenko, You are 22, I’m 46. Have been caring for my mom who has a very, very difficult personality for almost two years.

My mother, despite being such a difficult person, tells me every day since I moved here with her: “you are burying yourself in this house caring for me; sacrificing precious years of your life. As a mother I feel so sad and desperate! This is not fair for you”.

That comes from a narcissistic mother, yet still able to recognize the blaring truth that this labor of caregiving, although a labor of love, implies complete self sacrificing.

Why would your dad not see that? the answer although important is not that relevant. What is really relevant is that when others don’t show consideration towards us, don’t respect us and don’t protect us (a parent specially) , we have to be equipped with the clarity and mental and emotional strength to do it ourselves.

Your dad I’m sure doesn’t mean to hurt you or sacrifice your life, but by asking what he is asking, he is; maybe he doesn’t know any better; I cannot imagine the set of circumstances that led him to ask you to do such thing, and I’m sure he’s incredibly worried for his mom and his brother, but either due to desperation, cultural beliefs, or an old fashioned mindset, what is clear is that he is absolutely NOT analyzing the situation clearly nor thinking of priorities. His priority should be you, no buts, no hesitation.
Since he failed to see things clearly, you have to do it for him, and for you.

Now, don’t leave him alone in this situation. Do what you can and are good at, for instance research. Find options online, give him ideas. And if you feel you should, even offer to contribute financially with a little bit to help pay for help (if/when you work).

That’s what I would do. And let me tell you, I’m an only child and a lot of my life has been driven by guilt, but if I found myself in your predicament there would be no guilt strong enough to make me literally quit my life, because honestly, truly and from my heart, that’s what you’d be doing. Quitting your life in more ways than you can imagine now, at 22.
Wishing you peace and STRENGTH, over anything else!!

Please just say NO!  There are other solutions and it is Dad's responsibility to find them.   If you get involved in this, even on a temporary basis, you will be trapped and slowly devoured alive.  It is NOT selfish to want to avoid this!  You have the right, indeed duty, to love yourself and make a reasonable future for yourself.

Believe me when I say, you will become a wreck! I just did three years taking care of mom. Then just like that, sister runs in to “save the day” in mom’s final weeks.
Mom left me here as a mental case, myself. I’ve all but lost my business. What you are considering doing is above your ability. I mean that in the best way possible. It’ll take every thing you have and leave you needing help in the end. In a word, AVOID!

Just went thru messages and last post of OP was the 10/28. Would be nice if she came back and told us her decision.

I just feel this is a good reminder for all of us, specially those who have children, to plan ahead and be realistic. I don’t think anybody dreams with going to a nursing home when we are older and basically relying on strangers to care for us, but the truth is that hopefully by then we will have lived a full life, and even if we didn’t, we should realize our loved ones should not be burdened with caring for us. I don’t have kids myself, and in all honesty after what I’ve experienced, I am relieved to know that I won’t be burdening those who I love and chaining them to me during my decaying years.
I love my mother, always have, always will. And although a very hard path, I don’t regret my choice. I know I’m doing what my heart tells me is right given the lack of options.
But in an ideal situation no one, specially those who we love, should have to face these dilemmas. It is not fair to anybody...specially not a 22 years old like you dear Yurchenko!

Your gut feeling is right. This responsibility shouldn't be placed on you. It seems like your father may be desperate to try and please his mother by having "family" do the caregiving instead of strangers hoping her paranoia will subside when its someone she trusts.

A lot of people have already cautioned you against this move. I agree. This is a tremendous undertaking. It goes way beyond just helping them out. This is job for more than one caregiver. I would be concerned that if you did decide to take on this challenge that your father would completely disengage and leave you to do this alone. Too often family members leave the caregiving of relatives to one person and then go on with their lives.

As to what to do, you can tell your dad that you are willing to help research facilities, interview caregivers, make phone calls, help pack, etc. Ultimately, he has to make the decision. If Grandma is unable to make decisions he's going to have to decide what to do with her and uncle. A hoarded home is not a safe and sanitary place to do caregiving.