My mother is very sick she has high blood pressure, diabetes and is on dialysis and other health issues I am the oldest of 6 kids, and I am the only one she can depend on to take care of her. I am constantly fussing at my and sisters to help me out because my kids need me too. I am not getting paid for expenses such as gas, I can't get a job now because I love my mom and I want to be there to help her bust is becoming to hard, I am starting to feel tired and burned out, I need help
I don't know about other families, but I know that none of my siblings would be willing to say that we are not responsible, collectively, for our mother. Rather, they all think I should be the one to take care of her because that works better for everybody else, including my mother.
I was the first to step up, but I didn't expect to be in it alone. I think that's a common theme though. One adult child steps up and the others step back, breathing a sigh of relief that they're now off the hook. Meanwhile the parent perceives one child as willing to help and the others as less willing, and comes to rely more and more on the one helper. As the parent's situation and needs evolve, the uninvolved siblings fall further and further out of the loop, making it less and less feasible for the caregiver to step back.
That's the situation I'm in now. Other than me, nobody really has a clue what goes on at my mother's house from day to day or what she needs help with, even though two sisters live within a half mile of her. If she asks for specific help they'll usually do it, but she doesn't feel free to ask. And now she's now at the point where she can't really manage her own household anyway. Someone needs to walk around and check if the sink is full of dirty dishes, if the fridge is full of spoiled food, if the air conditioner filter needs to be replaced, all that stuff. It aggravates me that nobody else will do this, but I do it anyway because some one has to. It doesn't feel like a free choice to me. Not at all.
The evidence is there they can't be trusted..
Ok, maybe not hate. But I am disgusted with who they really are. I've cut one sibling out already. Go away.
Hate keeps you bitter. Phase their selfish a***s out of your life and be happy. Good riddance.
If my mother had her way, it would only be me. Even my local sister would be exempt, because she has a busy schedule, and anyway, she's not as nice to my mother as I am. If I bring my mom home from shopping and it's near mealtime, I come in and make sure she's settled with her meal before I take off. My sister just takes off. That sort of thing. Of course she prefers me!
I went through the hating my absent siblings phase a long time ago. Now I find it easier to just leave them out of the equation and forget about them. It isn't fair, but what can you do. Sometimes life's abandoned baby ends up on your doorstep, and you have to be the one to take it in.
I hear you. Its always tough being the good one. Do what you can and if the siblings don't help, its best to look for part time caregivers or start looking at nursing homes or assisted living. Don't allow yourself to get burnt out. I know its a raw deal sometimes being the only sibling that does everything. I'm with cdurnan and it takes time to establish boundaries and new routines.
Decide how "good" you are able and want to be in each situation, and then arrange things so that is all you do, except for the occasional emergency. Don't worry about what anyone else is doing. But act based on decisions you make, not on some default knee-jerk reaction that you are "supposed" to be "good"!
Thing is, most of us don't envision, or want to invision, caregiving as a contest in which one unlucky person draws the short straw. We want it to be more like a circle, where the infirm person is surrounded by a group of caring people who also support and help each other.
In my opinion, anyone drawing "the straw" should be upset. That's not the way it's supposed to be.
Remarkably, I do now have that circle of care for my mother, consisting of myself, my one surviving local sister, my mother's live-in helper (who is one of my closest friends) and my widowed brother-in-law (another of my closest friends). Every caregiver should have this, IMO. It makes caregiving so much less stressful and lonely.
I kind of cringe when I see the phrase "not everyone is cut out for caregiving". I don't think that should excuse those siblings who do absolutely nothing. No one is cut out to shoulder the caregiving burden alone for years.. Even those that don't take on the daily hands on caregiving should help, should offer emotional support at the very least.. I expected that in the beginning when I had to take everything on.. and help never came.
I'm trying to get past hating/resenting though because that is hurting me and not helping the situation. Its hard when I see their smiling tanned faces on facebook living their lives.. carefree... even posting about how important "family" is.. I guess that doesn't include sisters and parents.
What really bothers me is that all I have asked of her is to call her mother even just once a month. It's not exactly a huge ask considering what I am doing. But since she doesn't get anything out of it, she doesn't do it. She doesn't even call me unless she wants something from me. Taking care of my mom is one thing. Having her add to my stress with her problems makes it harder, not easier, which is where the resentment on my end comes from. I think it's fair and reasonable. We are allowed to have feelings, including resentment. A lot of us caregiving daughters/sons have put our lives pretty much on hold to ensure the safety, security and health of our parents. When there are others that could share in the responsibility and choose not to, it's completely reasonable to feel resentful of what you are giving up so they can continue to live their lives uninterrupted. Would it be nice if my sister actually helped? Yes. Truly, it would be a gift. But it will never happen. Hoping for what will never happen will just make unhappier. At some point, acceptance may be your (and my) only salvation.
Really, who IS cut out for caregiving of this kind? I'd venture to say no one.
*I'm* not cut out for caregiving. I wish *I* could call my mother every so often and travel to visit her a few times a year. But I'm the local sib, and am only surviving because I enforce very strict boundaries with her. I don't like being her taxi. I've really worked on detaching myself from her. She doesn't think I do much for her, anyway...