My mother is very sick she has high blood pressure, diabetes and is on dialysis and other health issues I am the oldest of 6 kids, and I am the only one she can depend on to take care of her. I am constantly fussing at my and sisters to help me out because my kids need me too. I am not getting paid for expenses such as gas, I can't get a job now because I love my mom and I want to be there to help her bust is becoming to hard, I am starting to feel tired and burned out, I need help
I don't know about other families, but I know that none of my siblings would be willing to say that we are not responsible, collectively, for our mother. Rather, they all think I should be the one to take care of her because that works better for everybody else, including my mother.
I was the first to step up, but I didn't expect to be in it alone. I think that's a common theme though. One adult child steps up and the others step back, breathing a sigh of relief that they're now off the hook. Meanwhile the parent perceives one child as willing to help and the others as less willing, and comes to rely more and more on the one helper. As the parent's situation and needs evolve, the uninvolved siblings fall further and further out of the loop, making it less and less feasible for the caregiver to step back.
That's the situation I'm in now. Other than me, nobody really has a clue what goes on at my mother's house from day to day or what she needs help with, even though two sisters live within a half mile of her. If she asks for specific help they'll usually do it, but she doesn't feel free to ask. And now she's now at the point where she can't really manage her own household anyway. Someone needs to walk around and check if the sink is full of dirty dishes, if the fridge is full of spoiled food, if the air conditioner filter needs to be replaced, all that stuff. It aggravates me that nobody else will do this, but I do it anyway because some one has to. It doesn't feel like a free choice to me. Not at all.
wills were ignored because of Med POA. Fraud meant nothing. Abuse of the staff meant nothing. Sister in law (att) lived off of cash account, moving 10,000 amounts to daughter. And on and on.
Caregiving for a parent is a huge eye-opener for many people. You learn that your family members are not the people you thought they were, that your relationships with them are not what you believed them to be, that their loyalty and concern for you is not anywhere near what you expected or believed it to be.
I personally have been bitterly disappointed by the family members I once was closest with, and painfully disillusioned with the whole experience. I no longer want those "rare, peaceful times" or those "little moments of joy", not with these people. I wouldn't trust them. I don't want to get sucked in again to believing in the goodness or caring of these people, now that it's become abundantly clear that they don't care one bit if my life is miserable as long as their lives go on as before. I go through the motions, making nice at family gatherings etc., but that's all it is. I wouldn't say I hate anyone. Rather, there is a loss of trust, loyalty, and caring connection that I doubt could ever be restored. I doubt I'll have anything to do with the rest of my family once my mother has passed away.