Hi everyone. I hope you are all doing well, hanging in there, staying strong!
My stepdad, 88, was admitted to a hospital after a series of bad sundowning episodes.
He has been at the hospital for over a month now and we're still waiting for a long term care facility placement for him. Two facilities denied him due to the fact that he requires a sitter and he has daily episodes of wandering and elopement. Unfortunately, those facilities don't have a secured/locked memory care unit. Meanwhile, the other facilities denied him simply because they don't have the capacity to accomodate another resident.
I flew home and took time off from work so I could assist my mom with all of this. she's on fmla leave for over a month now which is unpaid. she's in so much stress and anxiety. the first two weeks, she'd sleep over at the hospital with my stepdad despite not being able to sleep properly at night because that's when my dad's sundowning episodes get worse. she has recently stopped doing this and just visits him daily for a few hours instead.
After the denial from the facilities, the hospital case manager/social worker sort of hinted at my mom the option of discharging my stepdad for her to bring him home.
This is our first time dealing with all of this so even I don't know exactly what's happening. I finally urged my mom to consult with an elderly care lawyer. she went with my sister, and they were told that it's the hospital's responsibility to look for a placement for my dad that is safe and that caters to his needs. They were also advised that if the hospital tells my mom he needs to be discharged and she needs to pick him up, she should say no.
English is not my mom's first language and she can be very timid and shy. I worry that there will come a point that the hospital will try to intimidate her into agreeing to bring my stepdad back home.
Should I tell her to limit her visits to my stepdad at the hospital? Will that help make a statement that my mom taking him back will never be an option? Would that make them more motivated to find a placement for my stepdad? My mom also stresses so much about the hospital not yet finding a placement for my dad to the point where she almost wants me to do their job for them.
I initially thought of helping the case manager look for facilities, but I fear that doing this will just delay the process even more. Should I just let them handle this completely? Let them do their job?
I literally have been staying up all night til 4am since I got here doing research, hoping to find useful information and honestly i've been feeling so stressed out myself.
I appreciate all the insights that you guys can provide. thank you so much!
Apparently there are no neuro-psyc units in your area that are rehab Staying as long as he is in hospital is almost unheard of and I wonder how even the hospital is managing without 24/7 sitters. A locked facility is of course a requirement for him. So he needs a whole lot. No facility will want him. He is not currently manageable other than one on one care.
Again, thank goodness for the attorney. If hospital needs a cease and desist on some Social Worker calling to suggest your Mom take your Dad then get that from the attorney.
I am so sorry. This, for your Dad, your Mom and yourself is just a disaster I cannot imagine the exit for. People complain all the time about some seniors being drugged into stupor. Your Dad prove the case of why it happens.
You have done everything right. Esp the attorney. My own personal opinion your Mom should visit every few days for an hour or two only. This could kill her before your dad passes.
i'd have to get clarification again from my mom.
from what she told me, there's always a sitter in the room, even when my mom is inside.
my stepdad always wishes to go outside and interestingly enough, the staff lets him hang out by the hallway. he does his crossword puzzles there or tries to read a book. but still with someone looking after him.
as for 24/7, im not 100% sure. it was the case manager that told me this yesterday. she said that the nursing home person evaluated him and because he saw that he needed a sitter and he has elopement episodes, he cannot take him.
My LO was a fierce escape risk, but once a compassionate psychiatrist saw her and she was placed on a minimal dose of carefully chosen medication, she became much more like her old self, and began to enjoy her life and visits from us again.
Try a search for “geriatric behavioral psychiatry ”. If you can have him seen, and get a behavioral plan, you’ll have a professional statement about what may be an appropriate placement.
And do NOT allow him to be sent “home”. Be sure someone is with your mother whenever she is seeing hospital personnel. HER safety and welfare are important too!
if my stepdad gets an appointment with a geriatric behavioral psychiatrist, will he need to leave the hospital for that or will they send a doctor over to his room?
the hospital where he is pretty big so i hope theres a doctor in the building that can just come to him. if he has to leave, they should still be given his room back right?
I read your other posts -- your mother is only 58 (you are 32), and your stepdad is 30 years older than your mother. !! Your mom has a LOT of years left. She canNOT risk her physical, mental, and emotional health by bringing your stepdad home.
Does she go to visit your stepdad by herself? What is her first language? I wouldn't past the hospital to find someone who speaks her first language to talk to her and try to convince her to take him home. Make sure she knows that the hospital will promise all sorts of things that will NOT happen (they will "help" her find in-home help, they can't find anywhere now but will continue working on that if she takes him home, etc.).
Your mother needs to continue working -- she canNOT give up her life to take care of this man when she needs to plan for her own financial security.
Did she ever get POA? HCPOA?
Please keep us updated.
she can speak and understand english just fine but every now and then she may not easily find the right words to say. she speaks slowly and softly so there's definitely that tendency for other people to talk over her or interrupt. her first language is filipino.
yes shes already my stepdad's POA. and yes, she does wanna go back to work, she's the most diligent and hardworking person i know and its so unlike her to miss work but because of what happened, she had to take extended time off because just so she could focus getting my stepdad taken into a facility. so that's when she finally got POA, she consulted with an elderly lawyer in person, etc.
thanks.
my stepdad is a veteran and i found some va nursing homes in the state where they live, the closest one being is 2 hours away.
when i went to the hospital with my mom yesterday, i got to speak with the case manager. i was told that they're now trying another nursing home facility that does have a secured memory care unit. i told her about the va nursing homes and i asked for her email so i could send her the list.
is it a good idea to help them this way?