So, short story:
91 year old Dad, Parkinson's, dementia (at least partially Alzheimers), depression, currently in assisted living, $10K left in his bank account, nearly-depleted $115K home equity loan, only income from Social Security
88 year old stepmom, cancer, aneurysm, living at home (which is in a trust in Dad's name, for which I am likely to become the trustee given his dementia)
First off, we do have an elder care attorney to handle the legal aspects.
I'm looking for a reality check and some ideas. The doctors think Dad will need memory care in 2-3mo, which will likely cost $5000+/month more than what's available (including his longterm care insurance). Our ideal scenario is her and Dad in the same community--her in independent living, him in memory care. She says she's not ready for 'senior living' and claims she won't be able to move out of the house by mid-October.
Is it realistic she needs nearly four months to relocate (less than 30min away)?
Is there something we can do to facilitate the move to make her more comfortable?
Should we start asking for rent? Her monthly income includes SS (hers and her husbands), pension (hers and her husbands), and revenue from a small apartment building left to her by her husband
I know we can't force her to move to a certain location, and, even though we think it would be better for Dad for them to be in the same community, maybe we can live with her moving to an apartment so we can monetize the house.
Thoughts?
The Senior Move company, of which there may be several should be interviewed to find the person you think can relate to your SM. They are experts at downsizing. Do a web search to see who is in your area. But I agree that she needs to be out of the house to sell it, if at all possible.
To get her to move, it might be helpful to take her to look at apartments, visit with people who live there, have lunch with them, maybe attend at outing. They sometimes let people stay in a furnished apartment to get a feel for living there. Tell her it's a vacation so she can see her husband. The marketing people there can help you with al this. If she does this, you can have a realtor come and do a market analysis of the house. Just some suggestions.
1. Stepmom now understands staying in the house through the winter is not workable. Still says she is not ready for assisted living, but seems ready to get an apartment when dad is 'placed'.
2. The rental property she owns is in California
3. Great advice on Senior Move Managers!
4. They have an antenuptial financial agreement; only thing shared was a checking account for home expenses. Dad has no other assets.
5. I do have signed legal POA and health care proxy docs for Massachusetts.
6. Stepmom has not offered up an option to the financial issues.
The second professional to be consulted is a Senior Move Manager (my profession). Senior Move Managers assist with both the physical and emotional aspects of downsizing, coordinate all the myriad details involved with the transition, from address changes, utility notifications, downsizing, packing, organizing, liaison with the moving van lines and new destination management, space planning for the new location, estate liquidations, and right through to a complete unpack and setting everything in its place. Yes, adult children can do all these things to. But the emotional dynamic and time constraints between family members can be very sensitive and slow things down. When a professional move manager becomes your step-mom's partner, she will feel more in control of the decision making process and will have less reason to feel she is being forced to do something she doesn't want to do. Check the website of the National Association of Senior Move Managers (NASMM) at Nasmm.org to find a Senior Move Manager in your area. Best of luck!