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You are experiencing caregiving burnout! Get relief somehow. If you fall ill, you can help no one!
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My Mom also goes to an Adult Day Program.. It's activity for her and respite for me...

Call your local Area of Aging ..
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Is there such a word as over-caregiving? You've willingly turned into a robotic slave in perpetual reaction mode.

See what you can do to level the playing field somewhat by sharing the physical and emotional exhaustion. Make a Mom's Chart with 3 columns: WHAT SHE CAN'T DO; WHAT SHE CAN DO WITH HELP; and WHAT SHE CAN DO INDEPENDENTLY. You'll notice most things fall under the last 2 categories.

She can, for example, do dishes more often and carry her own purse. If she has the vocabulary and the energy to find fault in everything you do, then she can talk with her doctors herself instead of using you as a mouthpiece.

You've chosen to operate beyond burnout. And now that guilt-ridden, 24/7 sense of obligation has you running on fumes. As long as you keep catering to her every need and whim -- whether real or imaginary -- she's not going to be inclined to do much on her own.
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Rereading everyone's suggestions here..it seems everyone wants to do the right thing...help our parents..but for myself anyway...guilt keeps us from setting boundaries until we realize it's almost at the point of no return..we are so burned out we resent our loved one...who is in survival mode and sucking the life out of us..now we don't even like or respect ourselves anymore..we feel selfish for even thinking of our own well being! It's like a trap I set for myself! Mom is at my brothers right now...and it's like a vacation for them...cause when she returns...I have to do the hard stuff..the banking..the doctors..the cooking...laundry etc..that makes me kinda angry...he gets to be the good guy..I'm the one she gets to verbally and mentally abuse..it's gotten to the place..I want to be just her daughter again...not her caregiver....but then maybe I am over caregiving..hard to draw the line...hope I haven't offended anyone...I'm just thinking out loud
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SheriJean and others I think we all struggle with this. However, I've come to finally understand there is a limit to how much I can do (physically/emotionally/spiritually). Caregiving can be become so suffocating to the point of what you described so correctly!

I wish I had understood the boundary setting early on along with the guts to act on it then. It took me a while to get there, but I'm well on my way. We've started the year with my mom having two health crises and she's in rehab now near me. Dad is 45 min away in a house practically falling down around them. Even the house is saying please leave, get out and never come back! My wonderful hub has been caring for him. So we're getting dad moved in the next week or so to a really nice AL about 8 minutes from us. If mom survives then she'll move in with him.

We just told them both we're done! No ifs ands or buts you have to move for your safety and health as well as our sanity and health. Or I'll call social services and APS and let them guide what happens. So, they chose AL. The next will be to tackle the doctors. I'm sick of them, sick of hospitals, etc. The AL has doctors so I'll be looking into that after we get them settled.

We have to muster the courage to say when OUR time is up and follow through on getting them good care and get our lives back and peace of mind. I'm there now. I'm done running on fumes, just done.
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I understand the part about the house falling down around them..crying out..please leave me..this was my mom and stepdad..my brother and I begged them to move...they wouldn't listen..even tho we offered to do all the work..then step dad was diagnosed w colon cancer...they had hid his symptoms for quite some time...so back and forth with them to the hospital..doctors etc...and note..they were not cooperative...so we lost him in January...moms with us..my son lives in her former home...she gave it to him...he's handy and can do the repairs...because of their poor decisions...that I knew they were not able to make mentally....it's quite a difficult time for all three of us...so hard to get loved ones to understand...what they are in denial of..you feel like a bully
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Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine! I have had my Mother at home with me for l0 years now and she was always self centered but now that she's has dementia she can't see the person that takes care of her every need only herself as the person disabled. I handle this better now (sometimes not so good) because my brother gave me the book, "The 36 Hour Day" which has helped me see around some of the things my Mother says and does. It has also helped me deal with the hallucinations and hurtful things she says. I recently took her an elder care doctor and my Mom was put on a anti psychotic that's helped tremendously but doesn't stop the continuous repeat story telling. I sometimes think it helps her stay as grounded as she can by going over the events from her past. Sometimes if I've just heard that particular story, I'll tell her and sometimes she will change to another one but usually not.

Your Mom doesn't sound as disabled as my Mom but with your Mom still able to get around, she must be watched even more carefully so may be harder in a way. I recently lost my husband to RA and I am learned to forgive my Mom for outliving my so very sweet friend of a husband. I guess that sounds strange but my Mom was always here always demanding attention and left little time for my sick husband. We rarely got out together alone! My Mom has chronic pain as well and all the problems that goes along with the pain meds. and the classic symptoms of a drama queen. I have also gone through burn out and am up many times at night being buzzed by her for needs caused by sun downers. She just doesn't sleep at night.

I also know that this will not last forever and figure I am working off some sort of bad karma I've incurred from a past life (it must have been a bad deed, indeed :-).

Some times a sense of humor helps to lighten the mood and make everyone laugh. We also have several little dogs that distract her attention and they are comical, too. On a good day, I plan on keeping her as long as I can lift and work but other days I'm ready to chuck it and run off to a distant land. I think the key is to do the best you can for your person, rest when you can, and take breaks as possible until something changes. I also know that when it gets tough, hang on a little while and my Mom will get distracted and forget what made her upset or play my kindle solitaire with an ear to her stories since I know them so well.

So if you haven't already read the book mentioned above, I highly recommend it. It is updated every so often, too. May God bless you both.
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You are stress. You need to go out and relax. Enjoy. You need to get a help for your Mom.
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Dear Rachel, I can relate to most of your story except, seeing it coming, we started to get home help care. 18 hours a week. Sometimes there's not a lot for them to do except "babysit" but it lets me go to my church stuff and an occasional movie. But it gets me away from my mother's toxic disposition. Last night with the sirens blaring she refused to go to the basement. Her control issues were more important than a tornado coming thru town!

Anyway, the thing that struck me the most is that, according to your letter, she seems to still be driving. I think that's really dangerous. I admit that for some people it's a real struggle taking the car keys away, but I think that there are previous posts that discuss the driving issue and ways to get the car keys away. Good luck.
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Rachel, Like the others have said, I am saying this is my story too. Wish I had an answer for you. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in suffering.
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Eddie: Great post!
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jamarshall, I loved what you wrote. I feel like I must have done something terrible in a past life that I'm paying for now. The idea of karma comes to me a lot. I love hearing someone else thinking the same way. What if it is true? What if we are the karma debt generation? :-D

I bought the book 36 Hour Day. It is on my shelf now. I started reading it. The more I read, the more I dreaded. I didn't want to work that hard! I set the book down and never picked it back up. The writer was such a better caregiver than I am. I have to admit I take things an hour at a time and try to keep things normal as possible. When it gets too hard for me it will be time to find a facility where she can get better care.

I might should try to read some more of the book again or at least donate it to the library for someone who can use it.
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Racheel29, you could have been writing our story, but at least there are 2 of us. My FIL has been with us in our home for 12 years now, and he is rapidly declining. He only ever leaves the house for Dr appointments, and is now so incredibly weak, from no exercise. For the past 3 days he has had constipation, then the remedy of a gentle laxative, plus an enema, has led to non stop diarrhea, multiple times , all-over the carpets, thank God for my carpet cleaner I just bought a year ago! My husband has a severely bad back, and today he is out of commission, so now it's like I have a hospital ward, running back and forth between the bedrooms, and caring for my doggy to boot! Calgon take me away! I wish I knew the answers, but I don't, only time will tell, but I do know that the final decision to put him into care is my husband's, and I am stuck waiting for that decision to be made.
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I did all of that and more and yes, she is dying slowly. My mother now has at home hospice so you know I managed. But not without help. You need the following and both medicare and medicaid can help with some of them, but you should call your local Area Agency on Aging for specific help finding them:
1. Support groups, at least one
2. Home Health Aids
3. Time out for a coffee, a walk, whatever suits you
4. Meals on wheels (unless you are like me, organic. I am not sure if they do kosher or halal)

Some religious groups have volunteers who will keep your mother company. Some adult day care places are mefical model and can take people with great health needs - medicaid will pay for this, medicare as well I think.
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Othet remedies include magnesium, sleep teas (at your local health food store), calms forté (also at tge health food store), exercise if you can manage it, but I can't when I am exhsusted.
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I thought I was reading my own diary. Hang in there. I take it a day at a time. For me - my work, yoga, meditation, and exercise 2-3 times a week have All of I provided help or Distraction. And most importantly - deep breathing in moments of stress and exhaustion. And I almost forgot - daily prayer. You are not alone on this journey. This too shall pass.
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Stress relief efforts can help, but I don't think that I'll ever stop being emotionally exhausted till I'm no longer responsible for my dad (when he passes away or when I do).
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I know it must be so hard to have her live with you and hear negative remarks all the time. My dad lived with it for many years with my mom before he had his heart attack. While he was recovering I lived with them and saw exactly what he was going through first hand instead of just listening to him every evening when he would call me in secret while mom was sitting on the front porch. I lived with them for six mos before mom became uncontrollable and had to be put in a facility what we thought would be a couple of weeks just to get some rest but instead for 6 years. Is there anyway you can get professional help in a couple times a week to relieve you? One thing for sure.....you can NOT let her get to you. Whatever she says she is not in her right mind. DON'T argue trying to explain yourself. It just wears you down and does nothing for her. It's like arguing with a 3 year old. You're brain knows what is right but her's is starting to fail. You have got to bring in help for more than an hour or 2. Look into adult day care. talk to social worker. Look into financial aid or medicaid or elder care attny. This is a long journey and you need help with this. So to keep your health you need professional help. Good Luck and God Bless Many prayers to you and your mom.
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rachael29, reading your post was like reading my own thoughts. My dad has moderate phase Alzheimer's, diabetes, and stable stage 3 chronic kidney disease. He's 83 years old but believes he's 81. After my mom passed in June 2015, I became his full time caregiver. I lived in his home with him. He wanted me to do things like he and my mom did things but I'm not like them. Nothing I did pleased him and this has been the story our whole lives. It's difficult dealing with the conflicting emotions (guilt, pity, anger, and compassion) while being on 24-hour alert and managing responsibility for their life and your own, without any help or appreciation from the person you're caring for or from other family and friends who you thought cared about you and your family member but are nowhere to be found. I reached a point where I was exhausted, too. During a conversation with a financial planner, I realized that I defined our lives as "one" when, in fact, there are two separate people involved here: the person who is being cared for and the caregiver. My financial planner told me I was describing our situation as if it were "one picture" but he saw two people's circumstances: one person who had some savings but not nearly enough to cover the care that they needed, and one person who would need to go back to work in the next six months or declare bankruptcy. He warned that declaring bankruptcy at my age would be something from which I would likely be unable to recover and I would be in no position to help my dad financially when his assets are depleted. I had already tried respite in one AL facility and through neglect on the part of the staff, he ended up in the ER. I managed to find another AL where he's actually very well cared for. He's been there for a month and a half and I received a job offer last week. My dad is actually calmer and more confident now than he was when we were together 24/7 and getting on each other's nerves constantly. I visit him every day so far and, when he becomes critical, passive aggressive, or negative, I remind him how his comments affect him and me and let him know that I'm going to leave for now and will be back tomorrow. He's less negative now than he has been and is beginning to acknowledge that the "pros" of AL outweigh the "cons." At first, he continually asked "when am I getting out of here?" I would ask if he really wanted to come home and we'd talk about what that looks like (because he can't remember). I realized he meant he wanted to come home and be with Mom and, without Mom, home doesn't have the same appeal. He said recently that he starts to think he wants to come home but he knows he can't stay alone and hiring someone to stay with him would be too expensive. What I'm trying to say is, it takes a lot of work and vigilance but AL can be a lifesaver (no exaggeration). When he depletes his assets, we will use a local day program (which he disliked but it will be our only option) because his SSA benefits exceed our state's Medicaid limit but aren't enough to pay for the AL. I'm praying that something will change in the mean time (I'll find a way to increase my income so I can continue to pay for his care or I'll establish myself in the job so that I can afford to buy his home and give him another 1.5 years in AL). Thank you for asking the question and for articulating the frustration I have been feeling for at least the past 10 months.
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I'm emotionally and physically exhausted! It's non stop, " will you get me this, get me that, make me food, call my Dr, prescriptions, water, cofee, help with this or that, and I've only just walked away from his (my FIL'S) door! Sometimes I tiptoe around so he can't hear me, just so he'll leave me alone! Everyday, he has something new he wants from the market, and I think it's something he's seen on TV, but he doesn't get that we are tired of doing for him, 24/freaking 7! We didn't sign up for this! 12 years ago, when he initially moved in, he was healthy, driving, independent, and our lives were SUPPOSED TO carry on, and We were to go out and Do, exactly what we wanted, CARRY ON! But now, he's 86, and his body is plain tired out, and he Never stops asking and asking, and now have physical limitations, I'm tired too! Plus of course, I have many other family obligations to deal with, like my Daughter's upcoming wedding! Now just when am I going to fit that in? It's been really bad lately, and hopefully will get better, so hopefully this is just a rant, and our lives will return to some semblance of the previous normal, before he got this GI ilness, or what HE thinks is an illness, but I think it's just his new excuse to boss us around even more! I'm sick of caregiving! Rant over!
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They usually don't stop to think that it may only take 3 seconds to say "I need you to do this," but several hours to get it done. I look back over last week and realize I spent a total of 3 working days doing extra things that were "needed." Then I don't have any time left over in the day for my own work, so I do it in the evening a lot of times. I try to not do things that seem silly, but Mom can be like a badger when she doesn't get her way. It is easier to do things than it is to listen to her. I always hope she'll forget, but she remembers anything I want her to forget. She only forgets what she needs to remember.

We spent Saturday afternoon here at Urgent Care and getting antibiotics for a UTI. The doctor said that there might be the start of a UTI, so gave a shot and a prescription. After we got back from the doctor, there were no more signs of a UTI -- no frequent urination and all focus was on going to church the next morning. I knew that there was no UTI. It was just a revival of the old days of wanting to go to a doctor. She has no conscience left about wasting time and money. She has no concept of me. She is always telling me that I don't do anything all day long, even on long days filled with chores.

I read the other day that complaining too much can make us ill. I guess I should quit complaining and just buck up under it. Really I wonder if having too much to complain about is what makes us sick.
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The same applies to holding it all in. Except it's worse. You hold it in and the resentment and anger builds up. Then you explode. You either let it all out spewing all over. Or you collapse from a stroke, heart attack, nervous breakdown. Or worse kill yourself and/or her. Best to vent your frustrations instead of keeping it all in. And be proactive in finding what small happiness/joy you can find for yourself.
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Full moon is almost out. I love leaving work at 5:30pm and seeing the full moon in daylight. Yesterday, I paused to admire how pretty it is before hauling the office trash bag into the trashbin and going home.... Books temporary take me away from my situation....
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OMG-When moving out of state and in with my late Mother to provide care for her, I felt like running away from home but it wasn't even my home! Every night I would work to clean the house up and she would mess it ALL up EVERY day! I did the best I could and at least can hold my head high unlike my brother who only stayed a few days while I was there for 6 months!!
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Thank you for all the answers! I do think she doesn't want to admit that she is losing touch with a lot of things. It's hard to point out when something she's saying doesn't make sense because then she thinks I'm saying she's 'crazy'. I can usually figure out where some of her thoughts come from and it might be a mistake, but I try to help her rationalize why she's thinking that way. I think I have made a mistake doing this because now she can hardly see when she's wrong and I may have justifying her behavior? My sister called last night to talk about a situation with our brother and I let my mom talk to her and within like two minutes she almost started an argument. It's like she only sees things in terms of how they affect her, is that normal?

I took my nieces and nephews bowling the other night and I invited one of my mom's sisters to come with us. My aunt came and sat with my mom talking the whole time, which was nice, but a couple times I had to police what my mom was saying to her. This aunt spent her whole life taking care of their mom and she passed away last year. My aunt and my grandma were extremely close, my mom and my grandma were not. My mom has a lot of resentment toward my grandma and when grandma was on hospice we visited a few times and my mom is convinced grandma was pretending to be asleep while she was there. Anyway, she started to ask my aunt if grandma was pretending to be asleep and I had to interrupt and steer the conversations to something else. I've tried explaining to her multiple times that I don't think grandma would do that or was even with it enough to fake sleep at that point. Also, I dont think it's fair for her to try to trashtalk grandma to my aunt, who gave her whole life to grandma. Is this obsessing normal? Why would she even ask that?
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Well, does anyone really want to be told "you did something wrong/you lost something?" Certainly not!
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rachael: And yes, they will want to start an argument. It's their defense mechanism!
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I was re-reading what Bookluvr wrote above. They are such wise words and I have been thinking about these things today. We caregivers are told to not react and to let things roll off our backs. We face anger and belittlement each day when we are with a difficult person. We do so much, but get little appreciation. We get a lot of criticism and a lot in the way of gaslighting. But we are told to absorb it all to help keep the elder comfortable. The take-home message here is that the elder is the important one and if we are not totally submissive, then we are not being a good caregiver. We get mixed messages that we shouldn't tolerate abuse, but when abuse happens we should let it roll off our back. This is okay for a week or a few months, but many of us are in it for the long haul. All the negative really builds up in us. We are only human. It is not healthy for us to hold all this bad stuff inside.

So how do we dispel it without doing harm? And really, is it healthy for us to keep doing it? We all like the idea of helping our elders, but some of them are very difficult. What do we do when there is no one to help and we can't get the person to think about AL or respite? How do we deal with the anger and resentment in a good way that clears the bad effects from our bodies? If someone were to measure my cortisol level, they would probably find it through the roof.

How do we keep from getting so emotionally exhausted working with a difficult parent?
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Deep breathing is very, very important. I never realized this until I saw Teepa Snow's video. As caregivers of people with dementia, our risk factor of getting dementia through stress is raised by at least 50%. When dealing with them, we're on 24 hours survival mode. Survival mode is Not suppose to be 24/7 because it can change our brain - for the worse. It's also been proven through studies that deep breathing Does change our brain. So, to counteract against the constant frustrations of holding your breathe (to prevent harsh words from coming out) and gritting your teeth (hence holding back the needed oxygen for our brain) ...Teepa recommends deep cleansing breathing 5 times a day - 3 deep ones at a time.

My therapist says that we need for our wellbeing a social/emotional and spiritual outlet. My emotional- is here on AC. I can vent my frustrations here because I Know that you all have an idea of what I'm going through. I have learned that it's best not to vent too much detail, repeatedly, because it causes others here on AC to be frustrated on me for not being proactive with my vents. My social partner is my sister - where we can go out shopping, eating, or just lazing around at her house. I'm lacking the spiritual one.

Jessiebelle - I'm terrible at preventing emotional drain. I do believe that I need to work on - Emotionally Detaching. I haven't googled to find out How to do that.
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Jessiebell, that is totally true that it seems like we are just expected to let it roll off our back. And she isn't constantly negative, she has periods of good moods. It just seems like most of the time she's looking for something to b!tch about. Today she thought her legs were falling asleep so I asked if she had walked much and she said no. So she finally gets up and immediately started walking through the house pointing out everything I hadn't gotten done yet. But I was also working today and filling out a bunch of paperwork for her and us, and now I'm going out to the store because she wants something from there. She is in a good mood now but half the time I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I totally do withhold information sometimes because it does no good for her to know or for me to re-explain things that she wont remember 18 times.
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