How can I stop enabling my mom to drink alcohol?
My mom is a vascular dementia resident in assisted living.She is 79 and I am one of the siblings that has a difficult time saying no.She is mobile and still wants to continue drinking and taking prescription pain pills. My dad died two years ago and she always ask me to take her to eat where she can order wine. She also buys little bottles of wine at the grocery when I take her shopping. She has type 1 diabetes. The assisted living home can't give her care when she drinks if they know she is drinking.. It isn't allowed. I have brought her the two little bottles when she begs me. I have been told to stop by my sister and other family members but I have a hard time not giving her what she wants. She had always been a drinker and pill popper. That is why she has some of the medical problems she has now.
In the US, moderate drinking is not discouraged for people who are healthy and lead a healthy lifestyle including sufficient amounts of exercise. One drink per day is usually considered to be 12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine, or 1½ ounces of spirits (hard liquor such as gin or whiskey). Each delivers about 12 to 14 grams of alcohol.
That said, you are not dealing with a healthy, active woman, which means that the health benefits likely are not outweighing the risks to her. Sometimes we have to put our big boy pants on and stop enabling our parents. Learn to say no.
I don't intend this to be critical, but in terms of why you enable her, you might even want to think about getting some professional input to address this issue.
Unfortunately, it's not just your mom's issue; it's yours as well.
1. Why your mother drinks;
2. Why you feel pressured/obligated (I'm using those terms even though there's really not a good word to express what you've written) to enable her;
3. What you can substitute, if anything, to help ease her off the drinking, and
4. Whether she should be going to Al Anon.
1. This is a question only family can explore and answer; it might not be a bad idea to discuss it with your siblings to see if you can get at the cause of your mother's drinking.
But you probably realize that if she's been drinking for years, and if it's been a coping mechanism, it's not going to change w/o professional intervention (such as Al Anon) even if the AL facility demands it.
If she has chronic issues that motivate her to use pain pills, address those to see if there are other ways of mitigating the pain - therapy, perhaps.
This is I think the hardest part of the issue you're facing.
2. This also could be based on a variety of issues - she's your mother, you're trying to take care of her, it's hard to challenge one's mother even when we are adults, or there could be other similar reasons. This I think is something you'll have to figure out for yourself, and if you can figure out the "why", then you can work on the "how" aspects.
3. You might try grape juice, or fruit juice or something that doesn't affect her diabetic status. This also could be a challenge; perhaps the AL facility has a dietician that can help you with this.
If your mother complains that it's just grape juice (or just "whatever"), tell her there's been legislation at the federal level mandating the decrease of alcohol levels in wine, so she won't be tasting that "punch" she used to get from wine.
You can tell her there's a shortage of grapes in France, Michigan or California, or there's a shortage of ingredients required to make wine. Do some research on how wine is made and come up with something plausible, but something she can't verify.
I believe Pam Stegma makes her own wine; perhaps she can suggest some critical ingredient that's suddenly become in short supply, something realistic that you can use as a fib with your mother. Maybe even a shortage of glass bottles!
4. This issue also turns on issues No. 1 and 2. Personally, I think it's wise and advisable. With pain meds and diabetes, mixing in wine is a volatile combination.
This is a study showing protective benefits from alcohol in the elderly with vascular dementia ( even with diabetes).
Read it and see what you think. Perhaps discuss it with your moms dr.
The part about AL not serving her. What does that mean? Would she be in danger of being asked to leave?
the old guy who trained me in masonry went thru something similar . he would take his mother in tennessee cheap cigarettes from indiana . his siblings were outraged . he wanted his mother to enjoy her life . the siblings wanted to push their own selfish views . old man holt didnt live in la la land . he was a realist in the here and now . tomorrow isnt a guarantee . not even for the delusional do gooders .