I just can't do it anymore. I am so stressed from caring for my mom. Am I a terrible person?

My calendar is the same - I haven't been to the dentist on two years. Does your area have a PACE program? They have transportation and other help. If you can afford it, call a helper organization, or call the local senior center and see if they can take her to some of her appointments. At least it would give you a bit of a respite.
Some members of my family have to take the Lucentis shots for macular degeneration. No I doubt if putting it off hurt that much. The shots can only maintain her vision - not restore it.
I wonder if this is something that your mother wants? Some older people want to manage their illness and then some want to back off and not deal with the doctors. This is called Palliative Care and the Hospice provides it. I'm asking because my mother ( who wants to just die anyway) is saying that she wants to stop going to the doctor so much, and I guess it depends on the age of the person. Some people will do anything to keep their health as good as possible and then some get tired of dealing with it and want to let nature take its course.

I think nothing bad or selfish at all about you or anyone of us caregivers ,it is what we do for other and this is our pay.Take time for yourself and relax (hugs"

Thank you for venting. If it isn't one thing, its your mother.

I stubbed my toe today and ripped the nail off, running because I heard a crash in my mom's room, trying to get to her. Mindfulness goes and I get covered with bruises and wounds. We must take care of ourselves.

Best to you. Hope all is well with your son and your dog. Hey, it isn't dumb to love your dog. If I didn't have my dog now I would be so lonely. What you are doing is so hard.

You are not selfish! You've done so much and have so much else that's needed. Stress is a very likely cause of your own health problems, so that is a warning. Somehow, you have to get other help for your mom. If siblings can't help more, then in-home help or even assisted living should be investigated. Try going to your state website. Type "aging" in the search box and look for your local National Family Caregiver Support Program. These people should be able to give you some local information.

Also, if you have an Area Agency on Aging in your community, please contact them. You can go to www.n4a.org and type in your Zip code. These people are amazing. I wish every community were covered. Many are, however, so try them. You need to do something for yourself.
Carol

I hope your medical evaluation that involved the abnormal EKG turned out ok. We can only do so much, and I can relate your words. I had a boss once who used to say 'all we can do is the best we can do'. I try to remember that when I'm beating myself up because I didn't think of this or that, or when I'm feeling guilty over cringing at all the doctor appointments coming up on the calendar, or when I'm having one of those weeks where I'm so overcommitted that I wish the week was just over. If that doesn't work, I try remembering that it's my job to take care of myself by taking time to do things I enjoy--and regularly--so that I can continue to take care of others and bring more joy into their day. It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate, things that would stress any of us. And you absolutely do NOT sound selfish. Hope things are better since you last wrote.

I took care of my 93 year old mother for 4 years then I finally had to put her into a convelesant home. She was wheelchair bound and too heavy for me to transport. She hated the convelesant home and slowly started slipping away not caring about anything.She just passed away a week ago while I was visiting my daughter. I feel so quilty for putting her in the home and wonder if she would have lived longer at home. I cant stop thinking about this and it is making me miserable. I feel I could have saved my Moms life by keeping her at home. However I was letting my own life go by. I could never leave her alone and I am single with noone to help me. Does anyone have any advice on how i can get through this quilty feeling. I need to finally live my own life and dont know how. Thanks Linda

Ummm. Well, I'd bet money you visited a lot at the convalescent home and did what you could to make her life better. And I would also bet one reason you placed her was that she was slipping away, rather than the other way around. If you had no options for home health help or respite and no lift equipment to get her out of bed or go anywhere, being at home was possibly more retrictive than the skilled nursing facility too; I would also bet you did not pick out a crummy one that just let her languish.

Now - one more thing to think about, namely this: She was 93 and in poor health. She might have lived longer, shorter, or the same if she had stayed with you in the best of circusmtances. THEN, you could have ended up feeling guilty that she might have done better or gone on longer in a care facility.

My mom is also in skilled nursing and just moved to hospice..I am going through whether to try to bring her home with all the help we could get and feeling the guilt of the little voice inside that says "Why is she not living with you?" There are reasons and answers to that which I won't go into right now, but I can't help admitting its a good question. Every single decision I've had to make has been hard and wracked with guilt over not having made the other one, even the ones that turned out to have been absolutely dead on. My son who I shared this with yesterday says its not logical and that if you made the decisions the way you did because you loved her they are right. I still say you could be loving but make the wrong decision, and of course be forgiven...so I guess a little angst is normal if you actually care about someone. And maybe a lot of angst is normal too. And maybe, if you had to balance your needs and other needs you take care of so that "what's best for mom" could not remain your one and only priority, that makes it harder yet...but I also don't think either your mom or mine would want to destroy and ruin our lives, if they understood that's what they were doing to us, after all the time and effort they put into raising us and giving us a future.

couldnt have said this better myself! vstepans

Horselver, you made an agonizing decision where there was no "right" answer. As vstefans so articulately points out, either decision you made would have you fretting about whether the other decision would really have been better for your mother. I can understand your grief and regret and frustration. We want to be SuperDaughter and it is so disappointing to discover that no matter how hard we try we are only human daughter.

But the guilt? No, I don't think that is appropriate. Even if you made a "wrong decision" (and there was some objective way to evaluate that), you did not make an evil decision. You did not deliberately act to bring harm to someone else. I'm a big proponent of guilt, and I'd like to hand some out to people who don't seem to have enough, but I don't think you'd make my list. :) Keep your grief until you are ready to let go of it. But please, please give up the guilt. You didn't earn it and you don't deserve it.

Condolences on the death of your mother.

Hi,
I am the care giver for my 79 year old mom. She moved in with us 5 years ago when my brother died. At first she was able to pretty much take care of herself but after one year she fell I'll and it left her very weak and she needed extra help so we got a provider to come in daily. Now, she falls a lot and is incontinent and I am not able to lift her or clean up any "messes" due to a compromised immune system.( kidney transplant patient). My mom got sick a couple of weeks ago and to recover has been taken to a nursing home for rehab. They called and told me to apply for Medicaid for her because she needs custodial care. I feel like this is a mixed blessing because she doesn't want to be in a nursing home but I cannot care for her and she needs 24 hour care. I feel I have done my best for her the last 5 years but I am not sure if she will stay there because she is against it and I do not have POA. If her doctor says she needs custodial care, would she have to stay there if I cannot care for her? God Bless all of you care givers...I know in my mom's case she has a way of making me feel guilty and I know it is hard to stay strong! Thanks for letting me ramble!

Roxey07,

As a mom of two kidney transplant recipients, I strongly suggest that you must leave your mom in the nursing home if she qualifies for medicaid to pay her expenses there. Tell your mom this is how it has to be. You must look after your own health, you know how dangerous it is for you to become run down and immune suppressed. She must stay there, don't offer her a choice. Be firm and take care of yourself. More than anything, I would want my children's health needs to come before mine. Take care, be strong.

I am so happy I found this site. Since my dad past away in '94, I have taken care of my now 89 year old mother that refuses to leave home. For years me and my husband took care of all her needs from bill paying, being sure she has the right insurance and drug card, house cleaning, yards done, grocery shopping, doctor visits to hair appointments.......'I can't do it any more'! I have 4 sibling, one helps alot since he moved back home, two others help out when 'ASKED' and my only sister lives across the country. She calls mom once a week, sends a check every three months to pay for house cleaning and that is the extend of her help. With today's technology she could take care of some on mom needs right from her home. Also my oldest brother had a stroke 6 years ago, and guess who he asked to take POA for his financial and health decisions.

I feel so guilty about taking my and brother their files while knowing they can't handle them...........but 'I can't do it anymore'. With all the stress over the years as well as my husband and myself's medical problems; I have been diagnosed with Poly-Myalgia Rheumatica, I have days I can't get out of bed. My doc says I have to get out from under so much stress.......and just how do I do that. The only answer I can come up with is to tell my mother and brother that 'I can't do it anymore'. In fact my husband is pushing me make them find someone else to help them out. Every day I give to my mother and brother takes from my home and my disabled husband...........he is to the point 'he can't take it anymore'. He sees the stress I under daily and demands I make them find someone else to help them out.

It feels so good to be able to vent to others that understand where I am and reading other's post helps me have the grit to do one of the hardest thing I have had to do in my life time.........I feel like I am turning my back on them, but 'I can't do it anymore'! As soon as Christmas and New Years is over, I think I now have the strength to do what I have to do, that is to tell them 'I can't do it any more'. My health and marriage of 32 years are both a risk, please say a prayer for me to be able to do this without causing them and me too much emotional pain!

Joetta welcome to our group-glad to have you aboard-I remember the time I came uopn AC it had to have been an act of God-it just poped up on mt screen. You have taken a good step realizing that you can not do it anymore-I had to be told by a therapist that no one would rescue me I had to rescue myself and then others who had remained silent came forward. Do tell the family they have to make other plans for the care of your parents-no one will step up to the plate as long as they know they can depend on you-after all it is working for them very nicely-now they will get off their duffs and make arangements which probably will be placement-they will not put their marriages or health at risk-and let them know now after the first of the year they will have the job of doing what needs to be done-do not help you may want to advise them to turn to social services-every county has the resources to do this. Be firm and do not let thier nasty thoughts or words affect you-they will fight it with all their might-because they are happy with the way things are now. Keep posting and let us know how things are going-there are the most wonderful caregivers in the world here on AC-people who really get it.

Thanks for the encouraging comments 195Austin.........This is breaking my heart to have to do this but with my broken health, I really have no other way of dealing with it. Oh, I can just hear their remarks and thoughts.....especially my 13 year younger RN sister's! But like you said, they will find a way to do what needs to be done. I will keep you posted..........but for now I plan to shove this out of my mind until after the holidays so I can enjoy my kids, grands and great-grand. Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year too!

I have an 87 yo mother who also has diabetes. I live with her as I am disabled,
but I have to call 911 on a regular basis when she has low blood sugars. Its very
stress provoking during those times. My only sibling lives over a thousand miles
a way, and my adult children all live 30 minutes to an hour away. I have no outlet, no social life and I feel like I'm losing my mind. To top it off, I'm not eating
anymore, just lost my appetite. My mother, however has more energy than me,
in fact she has an obsession with cats, she has eight of them, which doesn't help
things any. I'm finding it difficult to live with all these cats, but I have no where else to go, and I wouldn't leave her anyway. I lost my husband a year ago due
to respiratory failure, and he was my anchor. Without him, its hard to go on and
face all the daily issues on my own. But I do have hope after reading all these posts.

Kathylee, you should be able to stock some glucose and/or glucagon to treat those lows and not have to call 911 every time - can you go over a better plan with mom's doc? You and Joetta both have to take care of yourselves and realize that running your own health into the ground is not going to help your loved ones in the long run. Drink some Boost or Ensure and keep you strength up until you feel better! And I hope you feel better very soon. You might even be having what they charmingly call an "anniversary reaction" having lost your hubby...more like a ton of bricks that hits you out of the blue if you ask me. Some kind of grief support group if you never got into one before, maybe online even, might be just the ticket.

Now 8 cats means a lot of litter box duties if they are indoor critters - wear gloves and be careful with that too! Cats can be awesome and I bet they have eight different personalities, but darn, that's a lot of cats. I've never had more than five at one time but I remember each and every one. We are probably taking care of our last one now - older and ill, and not the most affectionate, but he has his charms. I'm pretty bittersweet about it. I miss our last one who was one spry old lady right up to her last couple of days, and would basically climb up and give you a back massage if you laid down in the right position on the couch.

PS I recommend Facebook for socializing - see if you can teach Mom to take cute cat pictures and post them. The last time in my life I was totally overwhelmed and no non-working daylight hours for any collegial contact let alone any social outlet, I was turned on to listservs and made some lifelong friends that way, but Facebook has put me in touch with long-lost high school friends and cousins all over the country. Cute cat pix will get you lots of friends and likes on there.

Im struggling! Im soo torn.. i take care of my mom, and dad.. i am an only child and im just getting more depressed by the day.. i looked into assisted living, but they cant afford it. They both have become very content.. All i do is spend my days and nights worrying about them.. i live with them. I started to see a therapist. Lets hope I find some relief soon

Their contentment may be a good thing, but you getting help with the worrying part even better. (Yes, something bad will eventually happen, and worrying won't stop it...if only...) But seriously, can you get any respite help? Day program? Outings with other seniors? If you can make good memories now with them, however you can, it will be a blessing later, and God bless you just for taking care of them!

Hello,
This is the first opportunity I have had to write on the Sun in fact I didn't even know this site existed but it seems like quite a blessing the one thing that I would like to make sure it's there always take care of yourself as a caregiver I learned in a very difficult way I took my savings and move back to my hometown where my mother was living alone and 92 years old I'm an only child unmarried and have no children of my own but I figured I used to run my own little one-man business I could take care of my mother she is always taking care of me. I begin doing a very good job taking care of my mom however the one thing that I did not take care of with myself. After I began taking care of my mother about two years into it my health began to fail and I became ill I never took time for myself I just didn't have the time to do it sometimes you see that you can if your mom wakes up that's definitely 24/7 sorry I don't mean to be complaining I guess I am relieving a little stressed just to tell my story. A person came into my mother's life before I returned to take care of her.

When I was placed in a recovery facility my mother was given a guardian and conservator by the city. My power of attorney durable and medical were both taken from me and I was advised that it would be reconsidered that my mother and I could be living together without assistance when my time was completed. I stayed for approximately 8 months much longer than what was required because the type of alcoholism I had was not going out but only going to a quiet place in the house and taking the ship but it was continuously in the time I get frustrated even have a drink and that is almost killed me. Now I have moved into a retirement community with an extra bedroom for Mom it's very nice three meals a day everything that we might need and I am now retired early. No the account or property has been put in my name because I am the sole beneficiary and my parents were afraid that if I ever married without children and got divorced then I might lose my inheritance half of it. I'm not sure if that was the right choice maybe at the time but for now the city appointed Guardian and conservator have complete control of Mom's finances because she has Alzheimer's early stages and has been placed in a facility that is over medicated just because her mental deterioration has mainly effected her short term memory and really sensitive we love each other very much because we are all we have. I do agree memory of how she cared for me when I was a baby and growing up sometimes helps. Now that I have a place for Mom and I have spent one year being sober and taking care of myself it is being calm very frustrating because the court appointed guardian and conservator are fighting me and not allowing my mom and I to live together at 96 she only takes two aspirin a day changes yourself treat yourself each special and really has no special needs other than knowing she can't live alone now I don't know what to do.

If this actually gets posted I hope so I don't know I didn't see it answers but I'll try it. I'm not sure how to see if someone answers me but I do feel better talking to maybe another only single child caring for my mom.

On the flying always put on your oxygen mask first so you can take care of whoever you're caring for. That is by far one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received should have known before I thought I was all that and a bag of chips but at least it was full of love.
Sumview

Hi Sumview, welcome to AgingCare. It sounds like you tried to take care of Mom but could not do that and take care of you too. It is probably a good thing that they are in charge of the finances, because that takes a LOT of pressure off of you. And you get to visit and be a daughter and not just a caretaker. You staying in recovery can stay a top priority this way too! The whole situation may be pretty reasonable. I would say don't beat yourself up for being unable to do it all by yourself before without losing your sobriety. There is some heartache in that post, and bless you very much for taking a chance on us all and sharing it! Make good memories with Mom...hope you can both enjoy life where you are!

"A woman who heals herself heals all the women who came before her, and those who come after her."

I take care of my mom, I’m also a two time cancer survivor and in my second year of remission. I feel exactly the way you do. My dad died last year and my only sibling. My brother died 4 years ago. My mom moved in with my husband and I and after a year of being a full time caregiver, I’ve had enough, she is starting with dementia,and I feel bad for her, but miss my life before. I quit my job to be a full time caregiver. I do have respite help on the weekends, but I want to go back to my old life when I worked cane home and spent time with husband and in the weekends doing whatever I wanted instead of having to wonder if I’ll have help. I do care about my mom, but I feel like I have given up so much, and I’m so burnt out. I’ve gained weight and my patience is very thin. I don’t know what to do? Rgsnk you for letting me share.

I care for my mother who is 85 with early dementia. I lost my dad last year and my only sibling, my brother 4 years ago. I am a two time cancer survivor going on two years,but I am burning out. My mom lives with my husband and I and I cry everyday, because it’s too much. I do have respite care on the weekends to have time to spend with my husband, but it’s not enough. I miss my old life, where I went to my job cane home and spent time with my husband without anyone bothering me. On the weekends I used to sleep in or we used to go in fun outings. Now I have to be home at 10at night and hardly sleep. I take very good care of my mom, but I’ve gained weight and I’m at breaking point. I have no patience and I want her to go somewhere else and get my life back!!!! Those memory care places are so expensive don’t know what to do!? Life is so short and being that I have been battling cancer the last 4 years and is finally cancer free. I want to do things, go in vacation and have fun with my husband. Instead I feel trapped, depressed and sad. I love my husband very much and he is so understanding and helps when he can, but he deserves a better life too.  I hope I can find a solution soon, before I drop dead! What do I do??