I will try to make this as brief as I can. 10 years ago, I moved in with my boyfriend and his father. It was meant to be temporary however his father continued to decline in health. He has COPD and emphysema and was put on oxygen in 2019. In 2021, I decided to buy my first home. We had his father come with us, because the only other option was to leave him where he was and he wasn’t physically well enough to care for himself or the home.
I bought my home because it specifically offered first floor living for my FIL. The bathroom is maybe 8 feet away, kitchen is 10 feet. It was perfect. He did well in the beginning and was able to do most things himself but in July 2022, we all came down with COVID. Ever since then, he barely leaves his bed. I started bringing him everything he needed, including food/drinks, etc.
Then, about 2 months ago, he had a random bout of what he said was diarrhea. He had accidents in his pajamas almost daily. We got him Depends, thinking this was a temporary situation however ever since then, he will only have bowel movements in the Depends regardless of how often we tell him he needs to use the toilet. His doctors said he was constipated and the stool was the loose stool coming out however this has been going on for two months now.
My SIL is the only one willing to change his Depends and shower him and she only comes here once, maybe twice a week. He will soil himself and sit in it until my SIL comes to clean him. He is capable of cleaning himself up, because he has done it before, though I know it takes a lot of energy.
I pushed my SIL to get home care, so now for the last week there has been a nurse, physical therapist, occupational therapist and social worker here. The nurse comes, takes his vitals (which are always good) and then leaves. He has very little interest in therapy. He will do the exercises while they are here but doesn’t do them when they are gone. He refuses to get up and move every hour, even though that’s what the nurse instructed him to do. It seems like all he wants to do is lay in his bed and have everything done for him with no effort on his part.
As this progresses, I have increasingly become more frustrated and unhappy. I don’t like being home. I work a hybrid schedule so I am home 3 days a week and I am responsible for bringing him all of his meals and medications and must be here when home care comes to see him. My SIL bathes him once a week but once we obtain an aide, her job will be done except to come visit him when she has time.
I feel extreme guilt for what I’m about to say but I don’t want to do this. I care about his well being and that is why I have stepped up and have done what I’ve done thus far but I never anticipated caring for him on a daily basis for the rest of his life. I truly feel as though a nursing home would be better for him but my SIL will say no because of the money factor and my FIL does not want to be in a home.
My SIL, who works in a nursing home, has said she would have him live with her but she has not made any action to move forward with that plan.
I don’t know how to explain to them that I didn’t want to take on this responsibility without feeling like I’m being extremely selfish. We have a family meeting scheduled this weekend and I know when I tell them I don’t want to care for their father in this way, they are going to tell me that I invited him to live with us so I can not ask him to leave. I fear they will make me feel guilty and selfish but I also feel as though this shouldn’t be my responsibility. I also fear having to look my FIL in the face and tell him I don’t want to care for him. What kind of heartless person does that make me? I never wanted to make him feel like a burden but I also don’t want to be unhappy either.
Please, any advice will help.
Like many others on here have said, I'm sorry to say but you are being taken advantage of. It does not sound like a good situation and your boyfriend and his sister (and their Dad) are all disrespecting you. Please listen to what people on here are saying. I'm actually angry at their Dad for treating you like this.
Just ask yourself: would you sit in someone's house (unrelated to you) and eat their food and poop in their chairs and throw rubbish on the floor, and expect them to change you and bathe you and provide for you? I bet your answer is no.
So please don't allow a person to do this to you.
I am married but would NEVER provide personal care for my FIL. I would visit him, drive him places, attend appointments, but that is it.
It is NOT your responsibility. But for some strange reason, it sounds like you want it to be your responsibility and you feel guilty for some reason. As others on here have suggested, perhaps this goes back to your childhood and maybe it might be good for you to talk to a counsellor/therapist?
Please please tell your boyfriend that HIS father needs to move out by the end of the month. Set a definite timeframe for this and don't let it drag on any longer; arrange for an aged care assessment and tell your boyfriend (and his sister) that they need to find a suitable nursing home for his Dad. Tell the Dad that he needs to go somewhere where he can be properly cared for. It is neglectful of them to allow him to sit in poop all day.
I say this with kindness and really hope things improve for you
This man is not YOUR father. He is not even your FIL, yet. He IS however, your boyfriend's father. And I did not see a single mention of even ONE thing he has done for his own father. You talk about his sister coming once, maybe twice a week to help out. But other than that, it sounds like the rest has been on you. Am I reading this correctly?
You bought a house - because it was designed to accommodate him.
And after 10 years, I get why you act as if you are in the position of wife/DIL. For all we know, you may be in a U.S. State that recognizes common law marriage, in which case for all intents and purposes you have every right to feel and behave as if you are. HOWEVER, to date, your boyfriend/fiancé has not seen fit to "put a ring" on it so to speak, and neither of you have made it legal - which I also realize is somewhat "going out of fashion" for a lot of people. But my point is- you literally don't have any obligation to this man.
Heck. I've been legally married to my DH for 30 years and I don't legally have any obligation to my FIL. I don't have any actual obligation - moral, ethical or otherwise to care for him. There is only a perceived obligation as family.
The vibe I'm getting here is that you are being seriously taken advantage of. If you had come here and said "We are ALL working hard to ensure that my FIL (or whatever) is taken care of at home. BF does ABC, SIL does XYZ and I do EFG. We share these tasks, we have a nurse or aide that does these tasks and we have made it work but it's getting harder to manage" - then I could see where you might feel like you were being selfish for pulling just your support and upsetting the applecart - you wouldn't be - but if everyone had agreed to contribute and you had decided to stop - I could understand why you might have some feelings about it.
What *I* would feel in your situation is anger. Anger over the fact that you have become their solution to the problem. They aren't considering other options, not really.
You say your SIL has said that he can come live with her, but she has not made any action to move forward. And she probably won't. Why would she? She can come and go as she pleases and leave the brunt of the work to you AND she gets credit being the heroic daughter in the process. She gets to keep her job, her life and not have to make any hard choices about her dad.
And don't get me started on your bf. He has it all. He gets credit for taking care of his dad and he's not even doing it!
You sound like a very kind person. You don't want to make FIL feel like a burden. And that is admirable. But he is NOT your responsibility. But as long as you are the answer to all of their problems, they will not find another solution.
SIL does not want to put FIL in a home because of the money factor and because he doesn't want to be in one. NO ONE DOES! If all of the people who didn't want to be in a home were not in one, there would be no need for SNF. And there are almost always money options for people if they can't afford it. People just don't want to spend mom and dad's money because they want to hang on to it for themselves!!
You are not heartless. You are not selfish. You are tired. And this isn't even your fight. Stop fighting theirs and make them find their own solutions!
My fiancé's sister texted us yesterday saying she's looking into hospice care. I was under the impression that hospice was only for end of life care but she's saying it's not just for end of life. Either way, as long as he gets the help he needs then that's fine.
Ultimately it didn't go the way I wanted it to, however I'm hoping the meeting at least made them realize they need to be involved with their father's care more. My fiancé now packs a cooler for his father every morning with snacks and meals so I do not have to. He realizes now that HE needs to be the one taking care of his fathers needs, not me.
I want to thank all of you for the support and the help. It really meant a lot to me.
Frankly I think you are in denial about what these people are doing to you. You are choosing not to see. Take your blinders off.
If you are going to keep boyfriend/husband/whoever he is, tell him that you no longer want to live with a man who chooses to sit in his own feces, refuses to do his exercises, and needs more care than you want to give him. Stand up for yourself because nobody else in that family will do it for you.
Your boyfriend is not paying half the mortgage, he's paying RENT.
Your boyfriend does not own the house. You do. Do not change that.
Your boyfriend should be the MAIN caregiver for his dad, not you.
If your boyfriend can't be the main caregiver, then he should make other arrangements with his sibling(s).
You don't have a fiance. You have a boyfriend who has all/most of the benefits, and you all/most of the responsibilities. If he wanted to marry you, he would have done that a decade ago. He is just stringing you along to be his dad's maid/servant as long as possible. When the gig is up, let's see if he still wants to be engaged.
You need to wake up and realize what is happening. You need to see yourself as the owner of your space, your time, your life. You need to see that the boyfriend is taking advantage of you. You need to get mad. You need lay down the rules and carry them out.
With a boyfriend and his dad living in your house, and his siblings using you as a maid, you'd be better off being single.
I do wonder about the mortgage/rent thing. Depending on state law, this could perhaps be a situation of common law marriage with mingling of assets? Below is a link to a CA law firm webpage that sort of addresses the matter: https://www.sjdivorce.com/blog/2020/may/does-my-spouse-have-any-right-to-my-house-if-i-o/
It really shows you what this family values, doesn't it?
Makes you wonder where his priorities will be if you get sick. Or if you have kids.
mental distancing you need to do.
I know this sounds harsh, but this predicament will not go away by your being nice & accommodating. They do not see what you are doing as “nice & accommodating”, they see you as a servant or as a lesser as you are not “family” is my guess. Please do not let them talk you into your paying towards your boyfriends dads care or incidentals. He needs to spend his own money for things and for any copays for health care. Once he’s spent down his $, ONLY THEN will only he be eligible for LTC Medicaid custodial care financial criteria. You paying for things only delays his eligibility.
You can do this. I bet you thought you’d never ever own your own home, Yet you have done this! You can do this & not find yourself enmeshed anymore.
No can and cannot. WILL NOT.
I will not care for your father any longer.
I will be putting the house on the market.
Practice in front of a mirror.
PS, your boyfriend doesn't "have your back" or he would have told his sisters where to get off YEARS ago.
These 2 are deciding that their father will stay in YOUR house. You have no say?
Do you see what is wrong with this situation?
See All Answers