Supported friend at her death-at request of her family-has anyone been in this situation?
Hello,
We just said "good-bye" to a close friend, under palliative care in ICU. Her sisters didn't want to travel because of Covid, and we live close by, so we agreed to do this. My partner and I were with her; along with her brother. The hospital was generous and wonderful, and allowed us to stay 3 hrs. She was removed from ventilator, and passed in 45 min. This was not-Covid related. I just need to vent, and wonder if anyone has been through a similar experience?
Having a lot of feelings and am doing my best to care for myself. We are part of a small social circle, and we kept others in the loop about our sick friend, who was in the hospital for weeks. Two of them responded sporadically, and sent a nicely worded email after her death. I realize everyone deals with death differently, and some people are afraid of strong emotions, but this feels like crap. I'm angry and disappointed, and feel like somehow they not only abandoned the two of us, but this mutual friend as well.
I know I will learn from this, and in time it's getting better. I am grateful they we were willing and able to be with her as she passed. I realize not everyone would be able to do this - my partner and I both were willing to be present, and we did not want her to die alone.
Thanks for listening. If anyone can relate, please let me know.
11 Answers
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I lost a classmate at Thanksgiving. We had an on and off friendship. The last 7 years of her life I was busy caring for an infant grandson and then my Mom. This friend had really never been a happy person. Another classmate called her a "Debbie Downer". The one thing I noticed about her is she expected her friends to act a certain way and when they didn't she complained about them to me. I am trying so hard not to be this way. Life is lots better when you don't expect people to be a certain way. I have 2 friends I have had for 66 and 63 years. I have come to realize that the one I have known for 63yrs will probably be the one I can depend on. I do not expect the other one to be there for me even though I have and would be there for her.
People get rapped up in their own lives. Be happy that when someone reached out to you, you were there for them. Let those feelings go.
Some friends are like family. It’s really tough to say goodbye to them. It doesn’t even seem real after they die. We feel their loss deeply.
I struggle with understanding human behavior. Some people are lovely and it’s a pleasure to be around them.
Eh, we all know others that are ‘fair weather’ friends or ‘so called’ friends. We tend not to take these people seriously. Their opinions are neither here nor there for us, right?
Good friends though, we rely on and it catches us off guard if something seems to be out of character for them.
I am sorry if you feel let down. It is true. Grief is a very personal matter for each of us. We do respond differently.
Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.
Take care.
Also another time, many years earlier, a gentleman that worked as a security guard for the jewelry store I worked at, was in the hospital dying of lung cancer. A bunch of us would go every day to see him, and when we got word that he would be dying shortly, about 5 of us went to be with him, and when we got there, his wife was curled up in a chair in the corner of the room, and couldn't bring herself to go near him, all evening. The rest of us stayed around his bed, and held his hand, and rubbed his forehead, just to let him know that he was not alone. We were with him for about 6 hours when he finally passed in the wee hours of the morning, and his wife never left her spot in the chair. At the time I found that to be quite peculiar, but like you said, everyone deals with death differently.
I guess being a Christian, I just view death differently than most. It's just a crossing over from this life to the next, where we will spend eternity with our Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ. Perhaps those who don't share that view, have reason to fear death, as it is the unknown they fear more than anything. God bless you for caring enough for your friend, to be with her as she transitioned from this life to the next. I know she was grateful.
Don't waste time in anger, please. Celebrate the preciousness of this life. And thanks so much for being a loving and caring friend.
My strong preference is to be by myself when I die. I do not, at least in my present frame of mind, wish to be accompanied until I draw my last breath.
My own mother, whom I dearly loved, was a complicated and severely troubled woman. My father, her husband, loved her as I did. When I knew she was dying, I felt an enormous peace that he, who had died several years before, was with us in her room, and would leave with her when she was ready to go.
I left after a lovely, sweet, peaceful visit with her, and received the call that she’d died at 2 that morning. No regrets. I honored her intense privacy, and was grateful to have been with her while also sensing my father’s loving presence there.
You did a beautiful and loving thing by being with your friend. I can think of no kinder gesture that could be offered other than what you did.
We are going to have a memorial service, in the future, where family and friends will be able to share their feelings, and grief, and also celebrate our friend. I agree that might be a better way to share our sadness.
Thanks again for your kind answer.
When my uncle died, his own son declined to come to support his mother for a full week. He had been there with his dad about 10 days before his death, but after the death, he just couldn't bring himself to support his mom and be with her and his sisters to grieve as a family. He was also very close to our step-grandmother and spent a great deal of time with her as a friend -- far closer than any of the rest of us, although I was always in touch with her from afar as I lived in another state. When she died, our grandmother's nieces asked my cousin to give the eulogy. He agreed, then pulled out three days before the funeral. I had to give the eulogy instead, which was fine, but I'm not a public speaker and would have liked to have more time to prepare.
Back to my uncle -- his best friend of 60 years didn't attend my uncle's memorial service. It was held three weeks after his death, so the loss wasn't fresh, nor was it unexpected. I found it extremely disrespectful to his family, who are the ones who need the comfort and support. My uncle was gone -- his time of need was past.
People can do what they can do. There isn't much you can do to change that, and I wouldn't be surprised if it simply hasn't occurred to anyone that you and your partner needed support. I think it's fair to talk to those in your circle how you felt, but give it a little while.
You nailed it when you said "People can do what they can do."
Thank you for your kind answer.
I do keep in touch with her SO and that is tough because I don't know who grieves more to this day and we might be reminders of our loss. But as time goes we have our good memories to hold us together.
It has been hard, God bless those nurses who go throught this every day and God bless people who are truely alone in the end...except for the presence of said nurses.
I'm not sure I've helped you just please know you are not alone with your feelings of how or why this happened.
Know you were and are a true friend and be easy on yourself.
Hugs xx
It sounds like you did go through something similar with your best friend's death. I think it will take me some time to come to terms with how her other friend's reacted, as it did with you.
You know, I did feel, before our friend's death, that I might be called on to step up. It was just an intuitive feeling that I couldn't shake. I think perhaps we were asked to be there because we could handle it; and we were supposed to be spiritually present.
God bless those nurses; and especially now with Covid, and so many people are dying with only the nurses present - and contact with loved ones through a screen.
Thank you -- you did help me. I'm so grateful for all the responses I've gotten this morning. Hugs to you.
Second, let me express my admiration to you for being there for your dear friend when she passed, so she would not be alone. Watching someone you love die is never easy, under any circumstances.
Now as far as the other people in your small social circle; you are 100% correct when you say that everyone deals with death differently. And while I understand your disappointment and anger, I hope you can come to terms with it. There are many reasons why people drift away in the face of a loved one's terminal illness and death; partly fear, partly regret, partly grief. I think we all tend to think if we can just say the "right thing", then everything will be better; in the absence of knowing what that "right thing" is, we tend to either go silent or overcompensate by saying entirely too much.
And you have a segment of people who feel that anything you say when someone passes is trite; that funerals are a "waste of time"; that it's better to not mention it to the person/people experiencing loss so you don't upset them; the list goes on and on. There are also people who can't come to terms with the fact that bad things happen to good people through no one's fault, and they're mad as hell about the whole thing. I don't know what caused your friends to distance themselves; likely they don't know all the reasons either.
If you think you are able, maybe reach out to this circle of friends and have some sort of memorial -either in person or virtually - with them, where you can all share your memories of your friend. Perhaps if they have a more informal setting than a church/funeral home, they might be more willing to open up and share their grief, which will give you the opportunity to share yours. It would be a shame if these friendships are important to you to lose them over difficulty expressing sadness.
I wish you peace as you proceed through your grieving.