diabetes. My problem is that his aging dog also came with him. My father is selfish and more considerate to this animal who is not fit for a household and requires care that my father can not give. My father continuously threatens to leave but with no where else to go. I feel like a nag and am making his and my life miserable. I'm at such a loss and riddled with guilt. I too need help. Sam
Am I truly around the bend??????????????
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lovbob
Think about a NH for him. Look around and make visits and see what they have to offer.
beta I know what you mean about moms being nicer to strangers, it's not that my mom is mean, but she use to sit on the porch all the time and talk to all the passer-bys then when I would come over she'd start in on why my hair is this color today, why I'm carrying the same purse as I was 2 weeks ago, why am I wearing tennis shoes.....just a bunch of dumb stuff. Who cares, I'm here aren't I.
The road of caregiving is rough, and it gets rougher with each day. But you'll need to find something to laugh about. Laughter is important when we're wearing ourselves out. Laugh hard and loud. Don't worry about who's watching, listening, or talking smack about you, just laugh. Granted easier said than done but without it, we will all go crazy.
You'll make it, I have faith in you and know that you are certainly not alone on this journey.
Pam
well my mom is 79 thinks i am her friend, cries and shakes alolt due to fear cuz of mean son she lived with- have to put on americas funniest videos at least 10 x a day makes her forget and start laughing- when that doesnt work anymore will probably put her in a home- if she is combative and mean- and wont let me give her a shower- its their job and they can give her meds which will calm her down - we cant- told my kids if i am mean and hard to deal with dont know who you are - put me in a home- i wont know who you are anyways, and will forget you came to visit anyways so why put your self through it. does your dad have dememitia- my mom had a cat that she loved and we did not bring it with, she has not missed it- said she had a cat once- cant you take it outside and say it ran away? does your dad know you are his child? and he is mean on top of it - i will not do it- sometimes parents are nicer to strangers than family members- you have to do whats best for all including yourself-mom smokes-goes in garage cuz i dont smoke-2nd hand not good for me- right after cig. forgets she had one -would smoke 5 in hour if let her- so i have to just let her think i am witholding them and mean to keep her from smoking pack a day-thats whats best for both of us- i love my mom but if mean to me well guess she dont love me and guess she could care less if went into a home- have you told him that u wll if he dont be nicer- what does he say - was he always mean?
I say disaster because most of us( including me)did not plan on care for our parents when we were planning OUR future, this includes financial, emotional, power of attorneys, Etc. the DIsaster is that its financial, emotional and psychological damage to us and our families AND our wallets
If it were me, and I had to deal with the dog, and you can find no one to take it for you since he wont allow you to get rid of it,( this would be easiest if he were gone like he is right now) I would simply tell him that you let him out to "do his business" and he ran off,( to a shelter somewhere of course or a proper home that can care for the dog) I know IM gonna take heat for this one) < My mother was begging me to get a dog for her yesterday, problem is, we are leasing a property that does not allow pets. I had to tell her no. I simply cannot do that,. sounds to me like No is a likely answer for you too. I have only been on this site for a couple days now, and through the support and knowledge that I am gaining here I am gaining the power to say NO. 'No' doesnt mean you are bad,No means you are sensible and realistic to what its going to take to maintain care of your loved one AND yourself. who Doesn't have enough to do without taking care of a stinky, nasty Dog ? one more thing.. If you are unable to provide proper care for your father, then he needs to be somewhere that he can be cared for. You have Kids, They come FIRST in my opinion~Nutz
I am so sorry and believe me I KNOW how you feel.
There is no way you could be a horrendous person by placing your dad in a good facility.
In your home, you will become a nurse, not a daughter. Your father a patient and not a dad. The strain on your family, marriage and health will become REAL.
I was the same way when I started my caregiving journey 5.5 years ago. Had I known then........
Mom would have been in a good facility (and they're out there!) all this time and she would have been ultimately happier and so would I and my poor husband.
You are not being punished, you are just dealing with the brutal reality of your father's situation. You are not a bad person inside, outside or any side.
If you're wondering about the long term ramifications of feeling this way, just think about how you feel now and multiply that by 1000.
This is an impossible task and no human being deserves this.
Start making plans to place him, it could still take a long time depending on your research.
I've been looking for my mom and have found a lovely place near to my apt.
She'll be 5 minutes away, I can have 3 meals a day with her if I choose, 3 bucks apiece, you can't cook for that; she'll be able to be my mom again instead of the patient who's butt I have to wipe and everything else that goes with it.
67 is not too young to go to a nice place. I am 59 years old and will never allow myself to become a living nightmare to the people I love.
If I hadn't toured a bunch of these places I wouldn't have this opinion, but they are nice and it takes about 4-6 weeks for them to adjust and before you know it, they have activities, friends and life at their speed instead of trying to fit into your household. Way less stress all around.
I have learned that it is harder, but KINDER in the long run and my mom is ready to go because I told her that the kitchen is always open!!
I am worn out and old feeling and I need my life back while I still have time to live.
hang in! you can do this!
lovbob
That and 'why, it's just like having a baby!'
No it is not anything like having a baby, idiots.
Mom sat around giving my husband and I the stink-eye for the entire evening last night and we couldn't figure out what she wanted. Nothing like an evening of hateful looks and sniffs to make you think about joining the circus.
Hang in there,
Bobbie
nins
this is a heartbreak, I know. Don't be sad because your father is demented.
Just imagine a big Band-Aid on his forehead to remind you that his brain is broken and so the stuff he does will not make sense and has the potential to be very hurtful to you.
Get someone to take the nasty dog out of your house and hopefully you can find a permanent living situation for your father that is not in your home. This may sound harsh but I am 5.5 years into caretaking and wiping butt and I personally am here to tell you to not get sucked into this nightmare.
Bless your heart, you are doing all that is humanly possible, do not beat yourself up, and know that we are here and will try our best to cheer you up and cheer you on.
Bobbie
Is this a temporary arrangement? permanent? Either way, is there someone who can offer you respite? Can a family member take the dog and bring it by for visits?
Have you looked into alternate housing yet (assisted living, group homes, etc.)?
Medicare does not offer much in the way of respite care. However, if your father can afford it, I would recommend having a private caregiver come in once a week to help him personal care, etc. It would give him a chance to interact with someone else and it would give you a few hours to yourself. I use a bonded, licensed, company. It costs $19/hr. in my area. I have someone come in once a month to tidy Mom's place, or do whatever she needs.
Also, I just recently found out that you can have a podiatrist visit your home to do foot care. This is so important for diabetics. Medicare pays for one visit every 60 days I believe.
Take care...and let us know how it's going.