He has PSP and his quality of life is suffering at home? We live in dad's house with him, his mobility is very bad and falls almost every day. He recently broke his hip. He is now on the waiting list for high care. I just know he will fight every inch of he way to stay home, but it's getting to be too hard on a daily basis.
My Dad passed away when my mom was still in her early forties so she has always been an independent soul. She had no choice. She grew up on a farm and has always had that tough "life must go on" spirit. I on the other hand have always been a worry wart and for whatever reason felt that I needed to become my mom's protector and guardian angel so to speak. I've been watching out for her since the age of four.
Now she is 91 and having my position usurped so to speak is tough. I could always silence the what ifs with a course of action, whatever that might entail. Now I try to not watchdog the careworkers at the nursing home to death, take deep breaths and pray and hope a lot.
We tried home healthcare for my mom and they would come four times a day every day. The thing is they didn't stay the full hour when they came and you can't force help on someone who doesn't want it. My mom would of starved to death if we kept going that route and she figured out pretty quickly that it would be best for all involved if she allowed us to find alternative care for her.
The nursing home experience has been so-far mostly positive (at least if I go by what my mom has told me). I've never detected any signs of abuse or mistreatment by the staff there and I'm pretty paranoid when it comes to my mom so I'm sure everything is fine. Yes, I have guilt about it all the time but I would not of been able to provide proper care for my mom at home especially since I get little or no help from my siblings.
I hope and pray for you and your father that if you decide to go the nursing home route that it will be nothing but a positive experience for you.
Not everyone is cut out to be a Caregiver, no different than not everyone is cut to be a brain surgeon, or a State Trooper, or a Construction worker. We all have different sets of skills, but not all those skills relate to caring of an older person. It would be like starting a brand new career without an ounce of training with no one to watch over you to make sure you are doing everything correctly. How many of us who are in our late 50's, 60's and 70's have the energy to learn a new career?
Anyway, I'm sure stressed had such a bad experience with a nursing home -- I've had to put two elderly relatives into homes and had one bad experience -- but not all nursing homes are terrible, and every senior is different from another and needs different kinds of care. It's simply not true that the elderly all receive better care at home, especially if they have serious issues that require constant attention and nursing skills.
Sure, we'd all like to keep our loved ones at home, but it depends on what they need and what's available. Insurance doesn't always cover home health aides or visiting nurses, and they can't be there all day in any case.
Feel no guilt. Do what is necessary. If you can keep someone at home, go ahead, but if you can't, recognize that you need to take care of your father and yourself in the best way possible.
Lately I have found out a lot about nursing homes and what can happen in them. I placed my Mom into one and within 2 weeks, she was dead of "blunt force trauma to the head" it caused 4 brain bleeds and they did not take her to the hospital for 16+ hours.
Although they promise to care for your parent as though they were their own parent....they don't. The patient to nurse ratio is too high and your parent usually winds up getting less care than at home. It is true that it will take pressure off of you but the care they receive will not be better. I found out the hard way and no I live with guilt.
God Bless You All!
na na na NA
hey old man , yer really gittin absurd ,
that aint a cigar , yer smokin a turd .
weve kept you home, for better or worse ,
i sell insurance , im not a nurse .
a better life , for you awaits ,
right across town , at clapboard estates ...
I hope you can find that for your dad.
Also all dad's paperwork is in order, I am enduring power of attorney, so that's all organised. I speak to my brother and sister and they both have no second thoughts about putting dad in a home. They have never really had much to do with dad since mum died 20 years ago. So it's just me and my family. I know I will do what's needed, it's just very hard. I'm all he's got and I don't want to make him sad. Thanks again to all. God bless
I have read on these forums that it is best not to say *nursing home* because our elders have a different concept about a nursing home compared to what we know.... many of these home are bright and cheery with a lot of friendly faces and helpful personnel.... some elders think those homes are dark, dank, and no one smiling because of what they heard on the news 40 years ago.
So how do you tell him? Gently and with love, making clear that you're not trying to "get rid of him" but that you're worried about him and the pain he will feel if he continues to injure himself. Explain how your own health is threatened. Hold his hand and just explain things as best you can. You can also make the point that you could be considered a neglectful caregiver if you didn't take action to keep him from being injured at home. I don't know what your father's mental state is, but often simple logic will help them see reason. One suggestion is to not tell him that the situation will be permanent -- even if it will be -- so he can have some hope of coming home if he "gets better."
Good luck.
Your question also indicates you know the answer which is that you can't manage taking care of him at home any more. So, the only thing missing is action and I suspect the sooner you take it, the better it will be for everyone.
Blessings to you all during this difficult process.
In addition to nursing homes, you can get some respite from in-home agencies. They offer services from 1-hour to 24-hours, or anything in between. If your husband is a veteran, be sure to ask the VA about the Aid and Attendance benefit that can potentially help pay for these services.
Bottom line, find support for yourself and you may discover support for your husband. Ask your doctor or care manager about any support groups in the area. They can offer thoughts and suggestions on other avenues to consider. As the last response mentioned, his safety is one way to bring the topic up. And your health, safety and rest are ways to take ownership for the need. Indicate to him that you need the help, whether with in-home help or in a community.
Nobody wants to go into a facility---it is normal to want to stay in their home & fight to do so. When it becomes more of a risk for their safety than it is safe for them, it is time to make a decision.
I am sorry you are going thru this - I understand your concerns.
superior care going forward most nursing homes would probably fall way short on care too. Once you have a good place in sight, the paperwork in order to protect his assets as best your legally can, then I would try to explain/ sell the idea to your father. Expect resistance upfront as no one loves the idea of living in a nursing home, but in some cases a properly run NH is want is needed. I think he will eventually come around, however this type of talk has to be compassionate and he should not feel "shoved into a NH" but reassured he will get better care and will be well visited by family and friends.