My in laws are both 93 and live about 4 hours away from us. My sister in law has a second home about 30 minutes from us. We recently placed my mother in law in a dementia facility near us with the thought that my father in law could spend time between the two homes here and his own home. After spending the month from Thanksgiving to Christmas with us because of poor weather, he now thinks that he can move in with us permanently. We get along great, but I don't want him moving in. I feel as though my marriage and mental health will suffer. While he was here I felt as though I had gained a second husband. Someone else to do laundry for and cook for and to clean up after. I don't mind him visiting, but don't want him moving in. As a side note, my husband is very non confrontational and will never tell his dad he can't live here. Help!!
If you don't set things up properly from the beginning, then assumptions will be made that You will be the one caring for him, as well as what you already do for your MIL, And it will soon consume your every waking moment! That means, that your other family obligations and enjoyment of your children and Grandchildren will go by the wayside, as well as your relationship with your husband, your home, and any future plans to travel in your retirement. Ask me, I know!
After 13 years of having my FIL in my home, we are at our wits end. Our life has revolved around him, and we are finally starting the process of him moving into Assisted living in a very cozy place, about 6 blocks from our home.
Here, we were thinking that he would kick up a fuss, but he too, has come to the reality, that it is time, and that him being here, is robbing us of enjoying our own lives.
We did our best, but the BURN-OUT IS REAL!
Moving him to Assisted living does not mean that we are abandoning him, we will still be there for him, visit often, take him out if he chooses, and take him to his Dr appointments. But he is at a point, where all he does is sit and watch TV all day, and my hope is that he will interact with others, enjoy meals with others, and hopefully learn to adapt and even grow from this experience.
His biggest issue has been wanting to leave his money to his Son, in an inheritance, but we are not concerned with his money, we are much more concerned with freeing up our time, to enjoy our own retirement, and that's exactly what we are going to do.
Please, don't make the same mistakes we've made. It becomes a drudgery, always being on call to his every whim. It consumes your life, and soon, you do become resentful! Then your feelings begin to change towards him. It's not fair to everyone involved. We are around a place, where we cannot leave him alone longer than 2 hours, and even then he fell, thankfully we got home within minutes of that happening. Do right by your marriage, your family, and yourself!
Help him in all ways, to keep him self sufficient! Everyone will benefit, if you go about this with love, respect and dignity!
It's best to talk with all the adult family members, and then bring him into a family discussion, and assure him, that it's for his own good, as well as everyone else's! Get that SIL of your ON Board! Even direct her to this website, and have her read the responses to your Post! You will need an ally in this! Tell your husband ABSOLUTELY NOT! that you can't do this!
You can do it!
Let us know how it all works out.
MY FIL moved in, because he was incredibly fearful of being alone, once his wife passed, but he is a Narcissist who groomed us long before she passed away. He used to corner both my husband and I at different times, and say things like "if anything should happen to Mother", or when Mother is gone, can I live with you guys", and for me, not really knowing what a Narcissist was, or that HE was one, and coming from a family who for generations, had taken care of our elderly, we said YES!
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! It was a Huge mistake on our part, and here we are 13 years later, he's 87, and we are completely fed up, burnt out, and looking into Assisted living for him.
Please, Don't make the same mistakes we have!
And it sounds like you still have young kids about, so don't do it!
There is nothing wrong with finding him a nice little Senior apartment near by, he can come and go, but he should not live with you. You say that he is still capable of driving, and caring for himself, but at 93, that won't last long, and especially if he gets into the habit of you doing everything for him. You will of course, still help him as time goes by, but never let him think that living with you is an option!
He would soon have you fulfilling all his wifely roles, and you've already got one husband!
Put your foot down now, as it seems like you are going to be the one doing it, because basically hubby, like mine, will just let things flow, and won't stand up to him.
Why we get stuck in these roles, is beyond me, but please, for your own sanity, take action now, before he becomes too comfortable with living in your home. Tell your husband NO! It WILL Ruin your lives, and your marriage as it is now. Everything will change, is that what you want? Of course not! Don't do it!
As others have so wisely stated, find him a nice place, visit often, include him in family events, the children's sports, keep him busy, just not in your home! You Can do this!
But I like CM's idea of getting an alternate lined up. "You can't stay here" has got to be very firmly communicated, so he doesn't think he is choosing between the IL or your home. You love him, you are very glad you had this chance to know him better, but now it is time to resume your family life.
Good luck! Keep us informed of how this works out.
So when he says that, you laugh loudly and say with good humour, but not joking, "well, I'm not happy with it! And this is my home."
ILF or bust, I'd say. You can do the groundwork without his permission - find out the costs, the availability, the hypotheticals, see what the managers think about his moving in there in principle. You figure out the logistics of his home being sold, and his moving permanently to the family's area. You get all these facts down on paper, and come up with a costed, well-planned, attractive and thoughtful proposal. You then call a further family conference, and present the proposal.
At which point, the proposal is in reality an ultimatum. You should be prepared to adapt it, of course - an extra week in the timing, a different room, negotiating bringing his dog or whatever - but finally, he does it your way or you're leaving the circus.
Have courage. This would be better for HIM, too.
Did the family discussions take his travelling time into account? And what about how he would cope on his own?
You don't need your husband to do that for you.
Your husband and his sister had the bright idea of moving mother into a unit four hours away from father's house. So what were they expecting of their father? He's 93! Did it not occur to them that he would probably want to spend as much time as possible near his wife? And that he might find the idea of living alone much of the time pretty terrifying once it came to it?
I know that "I wouldn't start from here" is not the most helpful suggestion, but it is a pity that this wasn't fully thought through and discussed prior to the move. So where do you go from here?
Well, is the memory care unit attached to a wider facility, that might perhaps have rooms or apartments suitable for FIL? Would he consider selling up and moving to be near his wife, in his own independent or assisted living unit?