I'm in NC and live with my daughter and son-in-law. He is taking a new job in Florida. My mom is about 45 miles from me now in a nursing home and has bad dementia. I only get to see her about twice a month but she recently said when I'm gone a long time that she is disturbed. I'm torn between telling her I'm moving and not telling her.
However, if that's not an option, I agree that you shouldn't tell her at this late stage. I do hope that you can somehow keep seeing her as often as you have been seeing her. She may not remember your visit but she still, underneath, knows that you've been there.
As far as her saying it's been a long time, in the later stages of the disease, she could say that it's been a long time in the afternoon even if you were there in the morning. I wouldn't take this as anything more than she is lonely and confused.
Try to work something out that is okay for you all. This is a tough place to be in.
Carol
Can you discuss this with someone at the nursing home? They have probably had to deal with this in other cases. Does she have an accurate sense of time?
Maybe you could split the difference and tell her you are going on a trip, and can't visit for a while. If that makes her more upset, maybe you can "come home from the trip," and visit when you can without going into the details.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
We have her in a assisted living facility and after my FIL passed away she has been more active and now takes part in activities. There are many ladies there in the same situation, they have lost their husbands too. This has formed a support group.
Life is hard, there is not doubt about that. Your decision will be a very hard one to live with, but life must go on. My father passed away suddenly, there was no time to say goodbye. My mother died in the hospital under hospice care. That was an ugly heart-wrenching death.
I believe that was the worse day of my life, to watch her suffer then die. I'll be honest, I would have rather been somewhere else and remember her when she was alive. The only time in my life my mother ever told me she loved me was 5 days before her death, but she did not have to tell me I knew it.
Do what you feel is right. Our opinions are ours, not yours. If moving is your only option, then you must do it.
I would also assume with most later stages of dementia that the person no longer has a concept of time. I know my Mom didn't realize I hadn't visited her for over a week [I was under the weather].
#2 If so, does she remember your home, work and mobile phone numbers?
#3 Does she remember your address?
If all answers are "no," then you've got your answer!
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