My dh is going to visit his mom this weekend. Her short-term memory is non-existent. About 2 years ago I finally told her that her favorite grandson was gay. He was worried about her reaction and finally felt like it was time for her to know. Personally, I was getting tired of trying to explain why he didn't have a girlfriend. At that moment, she seemed to take it in stride but never said anything about it. Now, of course, she doesn't even remember that her grandchildren are adults. I was printing out some pictures to put in a book for her. My daughter got married in June and we have some of those. My son is getting married in a year and I would love to add some photos of him and his boyfriend. Has anyone else had to deal with this issue? I will say, since the dementia really kicked in, she can be VERY NASTY which is a complete 180 from what she once was. I know if she has a hissy fit, the only person to see it will be my husband. I guess I don't want anyone to get upset.
So, I just put old photos in there, except that I do provide her current photos of her with her roommate in the facility. She knows who they are, but still prefers the old photos from many years ago.
I suppose it really won't matter though, because she will likely not recall who your grownup son and his boyfriend are when she looks at the photos.
I told my mother who has dementia and lives in the moment that my son was in a car accident. The next time I visited her the first thing she asked about was my son. She had been upset for a week. I never told her that my brother died 2 years ago and since he was adopted at age 3 she does not have a memory of him like she does about her 3 daughters. We no longer tell her that her mom died in 1980 and that her husband died in 1997. We just say Dad is at work and that her mother does not drive and can't come to visit.
I can understand your son wanting to have his once understanding grandmother know about his happiness but the disease has robbed her of this understanding. You son may understand this compromise - not that you are not trying to hide the facts but you are working with a person who is living in the moment and/or with only past knowledge.
I've had others ask me about this issue and I've given the same opinion.
We have to decide what to tell - even including deaths - so this is just one more thing that sadly must be filtered.
Carol
As for the recent pictures I'd stay away from them if you think she'll have a negative reaction.
It's best to play safe, as You do not know how She might react. It is so difficult for Our Love one's to absorb information now simply because it's being digested by this awful illness.
To compare telling your MIL your gay son is getting married, to a loved one having a car crash or dying is comparing a happy loving event with a catastrophe.
If your MIL was always fond of this grandson, I'm sure she would love to share his good news that he's found happiness. I'm also sure your son would love to share if with her. If she was told in a celebratory way and everyone being agreeable, I'm sure she'd enjoy the moment. (I know for sure my demented mum would be so happy for her grandson)
I think more than anything, the lesson here is for your son to start of his married life with confidence, not to have to hide. Tell her with love and pride....
I'd suggest that he & his partner go to visit grannie & take all sorts of photos with her. They will always have these to remember grannie by & that she got to meet his spouse.
I wouldn't worry about her saying something nasty to them, if they grew up gay in the US they have heard it before and probably worse.
My mom had lewy body dementia & lewy allows them to keep their current memory a pretty long time unlike Alz. But eventually if they live long enough, anything recent is gone. At the very end, mom thought I was her aunt; I - as her daughter didn't exist - as she was back in her childhood. Every once in a while, she would come into the recent past in a fleeting moment and remember me as her adult daughter & knew her very much beloved grandson. My son took a selfie with her which he has as one of his screen saver images. This is what matters to him. Mom thought he was one of the good looking doctors.....
If she's not likely to remember, why take the chance of even a little upset? He can share his good news with the other family members. Don't upset the apple cart by raising issues she may not be able to process, let alone remember.
Full disclosure isn't necessary in situations in which someone has dementia.
She has had quite a decline since then, and dealing with her since then has been hell, since she always has to "blame" someone. So now it's "why didn't you stop him from drinking?" and on and on. As if I could have changed his choices in life. So I say, share no news that has the potential to upset the person.
The person with dementia? Myself? Someone else I am trying to please?