I am sure others have navigated this before, so tips welcomed.
THANKSGIVING. I live with and take care of Mom. Mom does not do well going out of the house. She gets very agitated when we get home, says "This is not our house," and, " Other people" have to be told we are in the house/or own the house now. Add walker banging and being told I am a "bit@h" for not leaving. I have talked to her doctor and medication has been prescribed. It helps but does not entirely work.
So, last week I get an email from a travel site. Reservations have been made at an area hotel. I am a little confused, but a text comes from my brother in Tennessee. He and his family is arriving the day before Thanksgiving. They are staying at a hotel because my SIL is allergic to the cats. he wants to go out to dinner to minimize fuss. Nobody discussed this with us.
I asked my brother about my sister. He said he had not talked to her. So, surprise! She texts the next day, telling me which rooms she and my niece will stay in and my niece's dog will accompany them, so the cats have to be penned.
This was not discussed.
Oh, and dinner will be at home.
HOW do you all manage relatives descending? If I sound peeved, I am. Both siblings are free with advice/orders from their homes.
I just want a good Thanksgiving for mom.
I had a hip replacement last week so that got me out of any Thanksgiving duties. Including seeing my dad who doesn’t care what day it is. I’ll be at home with a dinner we ordered and watching the telly!
let the “family” do their own song and dance, and tell them you’d like the day off.
And why cook? There’s tons of supermarkets that prepare the meal... and who says it has to be Turkey? Overrated! (My sister in law is vegetarian so we often do lasagne!) one pan!
Take the day off for YOU!
If there isn't regular lines of communication then that always leads to misunderstandings.
1. Inform your sister that Brother is at XXX Hotel and she can reserve rooms there as well. If the cats are a comfort to mom you do not want to have to deny her of that comfort by confining them to one area.
(alternate on this check with your vet as to how much it will cost sister to board her dog for the number of days she will be visiting)
If extra people confuse and agitate mom then you must tell her that she can not stay at the house because of the way it effects mom.
2. Tell everyone that you will be ordering dinner and that it will cost each person $XX..xx (If a full Thanksgiving meal is $70.00 from the local grocery store and there will be 5 people in your brothers family, 2 in sisters and you and mom that is less than $8.00 per person. And you don't have to shop, clean, cook, clean up.
Don't let people run you over for the holidays.
Do NOT stress yourself. Do not ask questions about the meal. If they say anything to you, tell them THEY are to handle the meal and cleanup because YOU have your hands full with your mom.
Period.
Would be kind of funny if they show up to the house expecting you to have cooked a big T-giving meal in addition to caring for your mom and they find no meal cooked. If there is any communication at all regarding the meal, let them know THEY are in charge of all of it - meal and cleanup.
Last year in February, my Dad's main doctor told me he had less than 2 weeks to live. He wanted to died at home, so I did not check him into the VA. He had a rally and perked up. His friends all came to see him. When late October came around, he was still alive, but failing. I called every relative that was usually invited for the holiday feasts, and let them know I was no longer having guests for the holidays and the oldsters could not travel. This also included all other holiday feasts. My parents are/were in their 90s, and I was tired. It was time for someone else to handle the family feasts. No one has stepped up to the plate. I did cook a much smaller Thanksgiving dinner for my parents and son. My Dad died in December. His funeral was on Christmas Eve. Cooked a small Christmas dinner for my Mother and son.
Just tell them you cannot have the entire family for the holidays. Too much work and stress. I recommend you read the book "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by John Townsend. Take care of yourself.
It seems that your family have decided what works best for them without considering what works best for you and mom. Are you comfortable with them making these kinds of plans on a regular basis in this manner? If not, please talk to them about what works best for you... and mom. Maybe this can be a one time option - if you are able and comfortable in making it work. If it is too difficult, consider how you and mom can celebrate without them or a get together on another day with extended family. Just because somebody else hosts a party doesn't mean you have to attend.
Tell then now, this will not work for us and why.
Learn to say no. Trust me it gets easier.
I once knew a woman who had 54 for Xmas every year & she did nothing but the planning - paper plates, napkins & table clothes - she assigned what dish everyone was to bring [usually what they made best] that was hot & ready to serve - those who didn't/couldn't cook brought cases of soft drinks, paper goods, rolls, butter, relish trays etc - she did the set up on her basement with a huge garage bin for all the mess plus the extra clean up afterwards - everyone happy
I am all for the idea of you leaving for the weekend and letting everyone else have a lovely Thanksgiving in the house. As soon as my children were raised I have almost always opted to have holidays with friends, not family.
If mom decides to eat in, let sister do all the shopping, prep and cooking and sis can feel like she is contributing while you tend to mom. SIL could stay at the hotel during dinner then you can visit at the hotel and bring her a plate of food...Brother can either take you somewhere for another meal or have a meal at his hotel or whatever. For heavens sake..... have a backbone and don't let them dictate what Mom is going to do!! Do what your mom wants to do and tell them know what the plans are. Perhaps they can take mom for the day and let you get some well deserved rest if you are too miffed at them. Stand your ground! If they don't like it...oh well.....Good luck!!
I'm in the same boat....I buy the food, prepare it and clean up and wealthy sister shows up with dinner rolls and takes leftovers.
I haven't had a day off from being the caregiver in 2 1/2 years so it's great adding even more stress...😕😕😕
I think everyone could benefit your approach on issues. We should all have this attitude.
How did it come to be that they all think so little of you, considering what you have given up by living with your mother and taking care of her?
I wish you would go on a trip and leave your mother in your siblings' care.
Give a wonderful gift to yourself at Christmas by not doing Christmas either!
you will not be cooking or cleaning up....so they need to get an order in..wherever.
next...the dogs are NOT invited. It is bad enough they invite themselves into a situation that is already too difficult...but dogs too? I think not.
if they do not like your plan...remind them they invited themselves, you are just trying to accommodate The situation.
Here in Canada, we are more civilized by having Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October .... LOL - it marks the end of summer as well as cottage closing - better weather & more space between the turkeys