My husband was diagnosed with dementia in March, 2019. He is 71 and I am 63. I have been noticing some decline in memory; but, the past few weeks have concerned me. He has accused me of stealing money from his wallet and he is hiding things from me. We have a beautiful home we built together and he constantly states it’s his-nothing is mine. Today, I noticed he was looking at me differently then asked, “I’m sorry, but who are you and do you belong here?” I knew this day would come and it was devastating. I immediately brought out photo albums and reminisced of our time together. I calmly assured him he is loved and I will be with him always. He then admitted, for the first time, something is happening to him he doesn’t understand. I explained how dementia progresses. But, I still don’t understand why it’s only me he doesn’t remember. Any advice would be appreciated.
This is so hard to accept, but it doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship. As for why you or my friend and not everyone else, who knows? This can be neurological, generally from a very limited stroke, a form of visual agnosia such that he doesn't recognize you. (I have had patients that cannot recognize themselves even though they recognize their spouses.) Try watching the movie 50 First Dates (with him if he can sit through a movie). It might give you ideas, and it might help him to understand.
In the meantime, please protect yourself for the future. Make sure you have the legal and fiscal ability to care for him and yourself.
I have been taking care of a man for over 5 yrs. He is 87 and I am 48. He will sometimes think I am his ex wife. Sometimes he does not remember my name and the sometimes he does and other times he plays and says my name is Alice. Lol. Which of course is not even close. But he knows on those days....I just laugh and say ...really ? He says nooooo....and says my real name.
I guess that my advice would be this as this is what I do to help myself and my feelings...he likes polka so I put polka on when bathing him. He likes to hear me sing so I put my music on and sing. I engage in conversation and memories of his past. I know his likes and always go to them if he is having a hard day. I also share about me. It's amazing how he can remember everything one day and the next nothing. I know his worst confusions and have tried to remind him but this has not been very successful and was making him agitated, so I just let him go with them now. Like his daughter is his sister. That's been around for a while so I know who he is talking about and just let him.
I know this is hard. Especially for you as it is your husband. I don't know if you have help coming in or not but I think it would help you. You are only 63. You need to still live a life or you will get depressed. So maybe have someone come and be with him a couple times a week and go have fun. Maybe bingo or lunch or gambling or shopping. Lol. I wish you well. Being a caregiver is hard mentally, but it is hardest when it is for the one you love. I give you big hugs!!!
I am so sorry that you're husband is showing signs of serious memory loss. I don't know why it's YOU of all people whom he can't recall but the same thing happened to my mom and dad. When my dad was in mid-stage of Alzheimer's and still 100% verbal, he went through a lengthy period of paranoia and confusion where he was sure my mom was one of his former students who had come to visit and refused to leave their house. He would call me from inside a closet and ask me to come over to tell the person (my mom) to leave. Sometimes I could distract him well enough that he'd break out of that thought loop but after a while, my mom started going along with it, and she'd kind of pretend that she was a former student and ask him to explain things. For the last 2 years of his life when he could no longer speak he most certainly recognized my mom (and us kids) as a familiar presence and would smile and pretend to converse with us. That was better than being mistaken for a stranger, for sure!
Hang in there,
Marya
Eventually, the response you give might be only, "I am here to care for you in sickness and in health, (Husband), until death do we part," because that says it all.
The first time they forget you, is devastating. But, it tends to come and go. Hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia are also a huge part of Dementia. You will learn to distract, deflect, and use therapeutic lying.
Just make sure that you join a support group, so that you can have a place to vent.
The Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group is a great place to get help and support.
You might try telling him that he is transitioning from mortal to immortal, and the data is in process of transferring to that new data base, so, sometimes, he doesn't have immediate access to it.
Eventually, I stepped into the world of Alz/Dementia and did the only thing I had the energy left to do so I ended up just almost like playing along. Eventually I got to a point when I would walk in and he would be nasty or say he didn't know me and I would say, 'oh - we met the other day but there was a lot going on' blah blah blah....And if he said anything nasty, I would say the same thing to him as I would anyone else in the world being nasty for no reason. But, there's not really any nastiness - more confusion I would say.
I actually ended up starting a new 'friendship' with my husband who didn't know me. Sometimes he did & sometimes he didn't, but I let him lead the way. Whatever his topic of conversation for the day - I played along. He would say, 'do you remember.......' and he would talk about some bizarre story and I would just listen and play along. This is an awful disease and sometimes we have to remember it's a terribly lonely disease for all involved.
I hope this helps you.
God Bless.
The other thing about the accusations of stealing money and it being his house, you just have to try to not get too upset about it. Arguing will make it worse, but it is really hard to not be trusted. Eventually, those kinds of thoughts he has will most likely go away. They did with my mom and she's trusted me completely for many years now. She's in memory care now, but seems to know me still.
Not only does this tend to induce guilt and anxiety, it also won't help because the cause won't be there. The loss of recognition is caused within his brain, not in anything to do with the OP. The OP is handling this superbly by offering calm reassurance and visual prompts.
Similarly, we have a client who is experiencing severe, acute depression, I suspect as part of vascular dementia although this is not yet diagnosed. Her daughter is working from home, has set up her office on a table ten feet away from her mother's chair, and is in agony trying to find more ways to reassure her mother that she has not abandoned her and never would. I explained to the daughter on Tuesday that, because the cause of the mother's distress is in her brain and not in any external reality, she could sit by her mother 24/7 and her mother would *still* believe that the daughter has left her and no longer loves her; this was borne out on Wednesday when the mother wailed "G_'s gone, I don't know where she is..!" while the said G_ was literally holding her hand.
The reality is that dementia is a cruel bully that hurts people in their tenderest parts. Staying calm and focused on getting the sufferer through it is certainly the way to go.
As far as advice, everything you stated that you have done is exactly what I have done. I really don't know what else to do either. It's extremely frustrating, as you well know. Some meds have helped a little, but not much. I also have to deal with her Parkinson's physical disabilities, so many days I feel like I am a 24/7 caregiver. It's been over 3 years since this has felt like a marriage. I know this may not help you much, but it is good to know that someone else is going through the same thing you are. I'd love to find a support group for people like us but, even if I did, I'd have a hard time getting away because of her numerous problems. I wish I could say it'll get better, but unfortunately it won't. My best advice is make sure you get some time for yourself because this situation wears on you. There are a lot of days that I feel that I just hate my life. Hopefully you don't get that same feeling.
minutes after he had a meal and many other behaviors like that. The only thing I can tell you is to make sure you have respite care in place because that is a lifesaver. And get counseling if you need it and in home medical help for your husband when going out becomes more difficult.
Judging by your age you and I are a year apart I was born in 59. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ 5 yrs ago a month before my 57th birthday. I have learned a lot on this site over the years. Most recent Neuropsych Report, said I was in mid-late stage Dementia. The recent situation you have found yourself in is close to what I am going through. My DW is 8 yrs younger than me. We've made a follow up appointment with the Neuropsych Dr. for the first week of June, we want to ask him how he came to his diagnosis. My DW and I disagree with this diagnosis but accept I am in Midstages, I still cut the grass, bushes, vacuum in the house, wash dishes do laundry. The Nueropsych Dr says I need 24/7 supervision and care.
When I read your story about your DH forgetting who you were, is an issue in own mind and I'm terrified of reaching that point. My suggestion is, keep up what you've been doing, showing pictures of you together over the years, talk about places you've been to, and just assure him you understand he is in a new place, but you will be there for him when he needs you. Gently re-inform him of the same stories, keep showing the pictures etc. I believe what you've been doing is the best thing you can do.
Personally I've told my DW exactly how far away I want to be moved when I can no longer be cared for at home, and that I want her to place me 100 miles from where we live, so the family doesn't have to spend every non working moment visiting me. I want them to go on enjoying their lives. I know my DW has exceptional health and I want her to go about building a new life for herself, because she deserves, to enjoy life, we've worked hard over the 27yrs of our dating and married life. Think about what you might like for your future. My DW and I have been sharing our way through this journey from the beginning. I know she agrees with my requests, don't know if she'll really go forward with them, but I've wanted her to know my thoughts. Share all the thoughts you can with your DH. My hopes and prayers are for you and your DH. I wish you both the best.
One other suggestion I have not seen thus far in this discussion is to try to play music from the time period he seems to be his mind. Play music that he knows and likes. Research has also shown that music reconnects the brain somehow with the complexity of the connections it requires. Glen Campbell was able to still sing and play even though he did not recognize his family.
best to you and your husband, you have the healthy brain and you have your memories of him. Hold those, cherish those, and don’t blame yourself because you can’t make him remember. His brain is failing him, support him as best you can, and as others have said, make sure to take care of yourself and seek help whenever possible to give yourself a break, ask for help, either professional home care or a memory care community if it becomes too much or he is in danger by trying to escape and go “home”.
I'm sitting in a room with three musical instruments nearby--a clarinet and a trombone (both my own), and an alto sax our mother played in her high school band for which I'm wondering if I can make it playable again without spending a small fortune (plus my double bass in a storage unit, that won't fit inside my little car!). Our mother also played piano well into her adult years, but my sister and I eventually gave that away to a friend after our mother was in a nursing home.
I figure if I ever go blind in my remaining "good" eye, I'll still be able to play one or more of them, and hopedly for a while if I develop dementia.
Maybe others on this forum have some experience as to how music has had an effect on a dementia patient, either provided by others or produced by the patient himself/herself.
Now the other thing I want to say is more difficult. If you haven’t already it is time to have a plan I place that you can put into immediate action in case he becomes too much for you to handle, I mean this in the safety realm. It doesn’t sound like his body is keeping up with his mind in the deterioration department and he’s still relatively young so his delusions may become too dangerous to you and to himself for you to remain his only caregiver, you will need help and the time may very well come next week that being home is no longer the safest and best place for him. Please don’t be caught off guard on this, find the best case, safest situation for both of you and have it ready so you don’t have to do this in crisis mode and settle with what you get.
Last but far from least if the sharp decline has happened that quickly make a visit to his PCP just to make sure there is no UTI or other infection throwing his brain off balance, I can’t tell you just how sensitive my moms delicate brain balance is when it comes to infections (typically UTI) we often know before it shows up on a urine test simply based on her behavior change and have to go back a second time before the infection actually shows up on testing.
This is a horrible disease and it seems like often the easier it gets on them, the harder it gets for and on us the people that love and care for them. Enjoy your moments and know you are the loving partner he married whatever you need to do, no second guessing yourself.
Be brave, take care of yourself. Keep a n emotional distance from this terrible disease, but love the person. (All difficult, I know)
I am touch by your overall concern for husband of 32 year.
You sound like a faithful women of your marriage vows ;to love unconditionally.
Now is the time to take care of yourselves “first”. Seek resources pertaining to this aging disease,which will be like a rollacoaster ride for you,your husband and all whom involved in his life.
Establish some me time for yourself. This will help to keep your focus on you.
Your husband is relying on you:therefore finding ways to build your strength,can help you.
I do pray that you find Godly wisdom. Try mediation,jouralling. Keep coming to this web site.
You will find amazing people whom will support you!
Have a peaceful,pleasant day,🙏🏾. God bless you and your family.
Bottom line:
This is no picnic 🧺
HUGS 🤗
Hearing those words from the one you love is devastating. Having a support group to know you aren't alone is helpful...at least I think so.
Take care DonnaMarie.