Hi, all. My husband and I have been caring for his grandmother for the last three months. She's now bedbound from a fall, and has also suffered two subdural hematomoas this year, leaving her with many dementia-like symptoms. She's receiving hospice care, but we've reached the point where we can no longer care for her full-time, as the stress of caregiving has induced psychosis in my husband.
Thankfully, an amazing assisted-living company from a neighboring town has just opened up a 5-bed, assisted living house here in our town, and they have one spot left that grandma can have. It can only be described as an answer to prayer, since a place like that was just what we were looking for (neither of us wanted her in a big, institutional facility). She's set to move there within a week.
How do we tell her about the move in a way that doesn't make her feel like we're "getting rid of her" or that she was "too much for us?"
A statement like:
"the doctor wants you to have more care than we can give you at home"
"the doctor wants you here until you are better and he says you can go home"
After she has been in the ALF for a bit just keep telling her
"grandma this is home." "you are home" "you are safe"
prayers for you and your situation - been there
You know, throw hubby under the bus. Run a few tire marks over him for good measure. But it’s the truth, you haven’t blamed his grandmother and if she loves her grandson, she’ll understand you both need to do right by him. Better than, you’re getting demented and we’re shipping you out the door.
Good luck!
This IS an answer to a prayer thought, spoken, or otherwise.
If this decision has been made with love for all involved, any sense of negativity she experiences during her first days or possibly weeks there will quickly be replaced by the environment, and all its advantages, that you have chosen.
It’s VERY possible that you’ll experience her tears, complaints, and perhaps anger. Ask the social services contact at her new residence how they suggest you handle any negative reactions.
Hopefully you’ll be told to bring her calmly and peacefully to her new “home”, hug her and tell her you love her and that you’ll see her soon, and leave calmly and quickly.
You are doing what needs to be done. However she reacts it will be far harder for you and your husband than it will ultimately be for her.
As far as telling her of a move, the marketing person should have a lot of suggestions. You will need to keep it simple and repetitive as far as your answer.
Likely she will be upset, but with dementia, she will adapt. Your hubby needs care himself, and all of this is falling on you.
Make her room as 'homey' as you can and let the facility do what it does--and get some care for your DH.