A little background- my mother has been living next to me in my condo building since 2018. Diagnosed with dementia in early 2019. She has always been difficult, manipulative and selfish and wasn't a good mother. This has been hell and her dementia has progressed. She can still do ADL's and puts up a charade of independence, but her executive functioning continues to get worse. She can not live "independently" in her condo without me being next door. I could go on and I have a pretty extensive post history here, but basically I have been stuck. I had to put up a huge fight for her to accept having a companion aid for 4 hours a week (which she reduced to every 2 weeks) so in her mind assisted living is out of the question.
Awhile back I went to an elder care attorney to find out if I could force my mother with dementia into assisted living with a DPoA.... the answer is NO. I'm in Florida- a "wait for a crisis" state.
My life changed again with the news that my brother has terminal cancer. He will be lucky to get a couple years and that will be with harsh treatment. That is when the thought started that I wanted to move closer to him, I wanted to move to my adult son's state which is driving distance to my brother's state. 3.5 hour drive.
Now I have gotten more news. For the first time I am going to be a grandmother. I am over the moon with this news, and needless to say it really ramped up my desire to move to his state.
I told my mother the news of the baby, but my siblings do not know as my son wanted to wait until after the first doctor appointment which is tomorrow. Her reaction was ..... meh.
My DH and I have decided we are going to move to my son's state, which is Maryland. I plan to talk to my mother this weekend and let her know she will have to move, because we are moving. She can decide where she wants to be but her only options will be assisted living no matter which adult child she decides to live close to- staying here will not be an option. If she tries to play that card I will take her to court and force the sale which I can do as a co-owner.
My mom will not care that I want/need to be closer to my brother and my son. She will be so angry it will be horrible.
But I'm getting out of something I never should have set up to begin with, and this time around I will be MUCH less prone to her manipulation.
Any tips, because the truth is I dread this talk so much, but it has to happen.
If anything I’ve learned, most elders do not want to give up their home. Period. Do what you must ….
Thank you..
Not only does my brother get a pass, he and his wife need support. I flew to see him shortly before the baby news and it broke my heart to leave. I knew then that I desperately wanted to be closer to him.
Thanks for reminding me I've done enough for my mother. Plus she doesn't realize it yet but she will be better off in ALF. She will be able to afford a nice one and get more attention and care than I can give her. I'm way past burn out on her and need to get stronger for my brother.
So - you can stay where you are (not!!) and leave her be and BOTH of you remain unhappy, or
You can tell her she's got to move because you are, and then ONE of you is happy.
I think you've done yeoman's work thus far trying to keep this woman at home, because it's what SHE wanted - even to the incredible sacrifice of your own well-being and happiness. So I don't think you have anything for which to feel guilty or bad about.
So find a place for her that will meet her caregiving needs and go support your brother and enjoy your first grandchild!
Leave the room. Time to reclaim your life.
You do what you need to do and give mom over to sis.
My mom is that same way. Never 'happy' about anything, really, unless it's about her.
Congrats on becoming a grandma! I have 14 grands and they are my joy!!
Tell her you're going and do it.
The State of Florida says she is a competent adult.
You've been kind and considerate and gotten nothing but grief in return. Let her lawyer handle the fall out.
I remember back years ago when I first realized I made a massive mistake I thought about moving but it always seemed like an outlandish idea. Now it’s very real and going to happen.
I would put it off as long as possible. Not to be a procrastinator but why listen to her BS any longer than necessary?! Figure out what you're going to do then tell her the facts and lay out her limited options.
She's going to be angry and maybe you can lead with that. "Mom, I have something to tell you and I know you are going to get angry but....."
Maybe have someone else there with you so that she will be less likely to pitch a fit??
My husband will be with me, and I’m thinking just getting to the point right off is the best way. If she gets abusive I will definitely leave immediately.
Let him/her handle the logistics of where your mother is going to live--on her dime of course. The lawyer is going to have to be involved in the property transfer, yes? Just get him/her involved from the get go.
You tell Mom "DH and I are moving to MD. You can go with us or stay here. If you stay here u will need to go to an AL because I won't be here to do for you. If u go with us to MD, I can no longer cater to you. I AM going to enjoy my grandchild. So u need to go to an AL there."
If she says she can be alone, list all the things you do for her. I hope she is still capable of understanding what your move means.
If she tells me that she will not agree to sell, then I will be the one who has to get a lawyer and I will. I'm not leaving her here alone. Thankfully I can force a sale in FL as a co-owner a judge just has to agree. I doubt my mom would take it that far.
I just need the courage to have the conversation and hope my sister will help in getting my mom moved to assisted living no matter which state she choses to live.
I appreciate the tips given!
1. Someone on your side in the room.
2. Someone with some "authoritative" stance who can stand up to your mom and tell her "no".
3. Someone who can advise you on what to do if mom goes ballistic and DOES take this to court.
I would be in favor of going back to the eldercare attorney you saw who said you can't force her into care, even with your POA.
I would want to explore the ramifications of resigning your POA. And how to prevent your mom from moving next door to your new home.
I suggest you just tell her that you are selling your condo and your portion of her condo in order to buy property near your son. Tell her that she will need to move or buy your portion of the condo she lives in by a specific date. Explain that if she can not or will not buy your share, then it means she will sell the entire condo after that date. Have her sign an agreement to that effect.
Tell her that moving into senior housing whichever state she decides to live in may be a wiser choice for her future. Explain that if she stays in Florida, you will visit only ____ times per year and will not be able to do the things you currently do. Explain that if she lives in your new state, she may not live with you and your husband. Tell her you are willing to help her find senior housing in the new state. If she wants her own house, she will need to work with a realtor on her own.
The reality is that you can't "make her do" anything unless the authorities step in. You can suggest options for her but you can't make her take them. It is always wiser to just explain what you will do and give her options. Even with poor decision-making, nobody likes to be forced into a corner. If a crisis emerges, then you may be in a place -legally - to "make" the decisions for her.
Is it an option for her to move to Maryland?
The sooner you tell her the better so she can have plenty of time to think and decide.
Prayers
I am almost in the same boat as you. Without writing 100 pages on how my mom wanted a boy 1st, had one, and proceeded to dote on him and ignore me. Guess who she isn't living with and being cared for by.....yup the son she devoted ALLLL her time to. She literally was shipped down here (NC) by my daughter because "something is wrong with Nana".
Fast forward, I resent the fact that I am burdened with the foolishness and mess and chaos that she always brings AND that it's magnified by her (Feb of this year)dementia/Alzheimer's diagnosis. My mother also puts up this façade that she can take care of herself. I give her the meds/vitamins cause I don't trust her. I prepare her meals cause I don't trust her nor do I want her in my kitchen. We never had the mother daughter bond we should've had and now, well.....I just want this to be settled and done. She's going into an assisted living whether she likes it on not. There is no one else to take her and she can't stay with me.
Now far as my husband and I were concerned, her moving in here was ALWAYS temporary. I laid the ground work and planted ideas as soon as she set foot in the door. Medication has made her a bit more bearable so, I have started giving her items from the list I made.
The list has ALLLL the reasons why she must move. I put every reason I could think of on the list. So far she has agreed to go.
Also, I don't know if your mom would be open to adult daycare but I'm looking into that also. Anything to get her mind focused on what's outside my house for her. I am so sorry you're going through this. When you create a home you expect to be happy in it. Not annoyed and aggravated by what is best described as 'outsiders'.
The adorning son should'a / could'a done - taken responsibility.
I doubt I should have done what you took on if in your shoes and that is the key here - in so many of these posts. We are NOT in another's shoes and we don't know what shoe fits.
We can only support the suffering family member / inflicted member - and hope that compassion and self-care are a part of decision making. Its the guilt that seems to get people discombobulated (oh, that is one of my favorite words). Seriously, take care of YOURSELF in order to be 'there' to take care of another. Don't lose your life caring for an elderly parent. They will be gone and at that point, so will you. Take care of you first.
Losing so much as we age plus losing our minds is unfortunately, a horrible reality for many. If a person is miserable now, they may always be miserable. I read years ago that the emotions, feelings, who we are when younger is who we become as we age. God help me. . .
But.
Then it will be done. And you'll be in a better position in so many ways. Concentrate on that. The horrible will pass.
she is safe and being cared for and that’s the most important thing for me. I do not let what she says to me about going home affect me as she is in the later stages of dementia. Take a deep breath, say a prayer, be strong, tell her what you are going to do , and do it!!! You will find so much love and joy in that grand baby that it will make things a little easier for you! 🙏🏻🙏🏻💜
Then just walk away. Do not stay as it will be fights and threats ( sure no apology for the hell she has put you through.).
If her mental capacity is poor, why not 'take a trip' to the East coast with her in tow. Find a new place for you to live in the area near your son, locate a place for her, then send a moving truck to get everything. If she can comprehend making a permanent move, then just flat out tell her you're moving and ask what her preferences are (and they don't include staying in the condo unless she can afford to hire 24/7 care). Surely a doctor would back you up on the fact she cannot live alone without you next door.
Too many here - learn the very hard way - extending their self to an ailing parent when there is no self left to extend and then they wonder what to do and how to deal with their stress(ors), exhaustion, etc.
- Many never learned to set limits nor feel it is 'okay' to say no and set boundaries. And then, the avalanche of dementia 'happens' and people must learn a very steep learning curve - to function. It is a cruel reality so many family members experience 'on the spot, / job' learning.
* It is hard to put our own welfare / well-being 'first' and yet the more we do that, the more available we are to others, including family. This society doesn't support self care 'before' an/other's-care.
Gena / Touch Matters
This is not going to be a one time conversation because she is going to be madder than a poked porcupine. You get your messages clear and be repetitive:
1. "Mom, hubs and I are moving to Maryland."
2. "Mom, you can buy me out of my half of your condo or sell it and move to a senior community."
3. "Mom, look at these senior communities. I'm touring them next week and I want you to come with me because I want you to see what you're missing."
Take it one conversation at a time. Right now, the most important conversation is that you're moving and she needs to decide what she's going to do about your half of her condo.
I would maybe give a timeline re buying her out of her condo - she may 'think' she has to be out in a couple of weeks. It will be a shock enough that she has to uproot herself. Knowing she has xxx time may help.
I still believe offering her two options (care facilities) vs open ended would be a better way to start. She could string one along for months 'looking' and 'finding' the RIGHT one only to put off the enviable - moving - and daughter selling the property.
Llamalover47