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I can see why you are dreading this conversation.

I would put it off as long as possible. Not to be a procrastinator but why listen to her BS any longer than necessary?! Figure out what you're going to do then tell her the facts and lay out her limited options.

She's going to be angry and maybe you can lead with that. "Mom, I have something to tell you and I know you are going to get angry but....."

Maybe have someone else there with you so that she will be less likely to pitch a fit??
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ExhaustedPiper Sep 2021
Too much needs to happen that include her making choices that I can’t keep her in the dark or I would to avoid the drama.

My husband will be with me, and I’m thinking just getting to the point right off is the best way. If she gets abusive I will definitely leave immediately.
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Piper, just MOVE.

Tell her you're going and do it.

The State of Florida says she is a competent adult.

You've been kind and considerate and gotten nothing but grief in return. Let her lawyer handle the fall out.
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ExhaustedPiper Sep 2021
Trust me Barb we are moving, no doubt. But I can’t exit until after she does, and I will be able to do it soon because I can force the sale of her (our) condo if she protests. I feel like I owe it to her to help with this transition because at the end of the day I moved her here, which was a huge mistake on my part. I know I was manipulated and lied to in the process but it’s my own fault for not being more careful and checking everything out for myself first especially knowing her history.

I remember back years ago when I first realized I made a massive mistake I thought about moving but it always seemed like an outlandish idea. Now it’s very real and going to happen.
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IDK--if you cannot enact your POA, you can't force her to do anything.

You do what you need to do and give mom over to sis.

My mom is that same way. Never 'happy' about anything, really, unless it's about her.

Congrats on becoming a grandma! I have 14 grands and they are my joy!!
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Just tell her she is moving. Do not explain or defend yourself to her.
Leave the room. Time to reclaim your life.
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She's not going to be happy about it - but then again, she's rarely happy to begin with, correct?

So - you can stay where you are (not!!) and leave her be and BOTH of you remain unhappy, or

You can tell her she's got to move because you are, and then ONE of you is happy.

I think you've done yeoman's work thus far trying to keep this woman at home, because it's what SHE wanted - even to the incredible sacrifice of your own well-being and happiness. So I don't think you have anything for which to feel guilty or bad about.

So find a place for her that will meet her caregiving needs and go support your brother and enjoy your first grandchild!
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You've done enough for your mother. You also have a sister, correct? Let's hope your mother agrees to move near HER. (I'd say near your brother, also, but he will be undergoing cancer treatment, so you'll have to give him a pass.)
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ExhaustedPiper Sep 2021
Yes, a sister and an ALF near her would be an option. Yes I hope she picks that one!

Not only does my brother get a pass, he and his wife need support. I flew to see him shortly before the baby news and it broke my heart to leave. I knew then that I desperately wanted to be closer to him.

Thanks for reminding me I've done enough for my mother. Plus she doesn't realize it yet but she will be better off in ALF. She will be able to afford a nice one and get more attention and care than I can give her. I'm way past burn out on her and need to get stronger for my brother.
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I have one tip … be strong for yourself.

If anything I’ve learned, most elders do not want to give up their home. Period. Do what you must ….
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ExhaustedPiper Sep 2021
No she will not be happy about this at all. I do need to be strong.

Thank you..
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