I am very frustrated. My father passed a while back & my mom has lived with us since. It's definitely hard b/c she's very codependent (lived with an alcoholic 40+ years). I am the last child of the family and left home ASAP when I turned 18. I could not stand to live around the alcoholism & dysfunctions that go along with that. Well, I was out of the house 7 years and that's when she moved in with us. She is financially irresponsible and will gamble or give all her money away. She was lending family members 600+ or probably more monthly and would not get it back. She is an impulsive buyer and does not believe in saving. She does not have health insurance & does not have life either. My husband and I pay for everything but for some reason she still ends up broke & overdrawn at the end of the month. At this point I do not know what to do. Any conversation I have had with her of getting her own place is interpreted as, "you don't love me, you hate me, you don't care". I have a sister who will not even think of taking her in. My mom is physically healthy & capable of managing her own household but does not want to. I'm just tired of this situation & would like to continue on with my own life. I have tried to talk about finances & helping her create a budget and have talked to her many many times about saving & buying herself things & self care. This goes in one ear & out the other. She complains that she has not bought herself anything in "forever" that she cries saying she was finally able to buy pants. She brings in nearly 3k a month (retirement, social security, my dad's pension) and does not pay for a single thing. What can I do? Please help, I feel like I'm stuck in a revolving door trying talking to the glass that just does not get it. :(
The mother is not providing for them financially at all. I don't understand how someone could comment on a post without actually READING the content of a post. If you had done that, you would not be posting negative comments toward the OP. You're not being helpful which is the point of this forum.
If you really want to help and not enable her, get her out and tell you that you will be glad to find someone to work together with to help her keep her finances on track. You said she has not health insurance but she is old enough to be on Medicare and should be. If she is signed up for social security she should also have health insurance. Pat B won't cost her much at all and Part A is free.
Hate to say this, but this is really up to you. You will just have to stick your fingers in your ears when she starts with you, but be firm. Keep telling yourself and her too - the best way to show your kids that you love them is to prepare and take care of yourself in retirement. Buying gifts and lending money that she can't afford is no gift. It makes her feel important or whatever, but creates a burden for you. You deserve her to be a grown up. You have stepped up and done the responsible thing and it's time she did too.
She's got the financial means to take care of herself, but chooses not to. But why should she, since you'll take care of her despite her irresponsible choices of gambling, blowing money, or giving it away. It's NOT your responsibility to bail your mom out of her self-created messes.
Like others have said, give her a date to move out and stick to it. Then set some boundaries around your relationship with her. Offer to help her with resources (counseling, support groups, activity groups, etc.) but let her choose to use those resources or not. Given her history, I imagine it will take a real wake-up call for her to make any changes. Tough love from you is needed here.
And compassion for yourself. You love your mom but you don't have to be a slave to your mom's dysfunction. My mom is 93 and going strong. Imagine the next 30 years with your mom sponging off of you. How does that feel?
I'd also recommend you get some counseling to understand that letting your mom manipulate and abuse you isn't fair to you, your mental health and your own family. You deserve a life too! A happy life with your own immediate family. Good luck and please keep us posted!
not very good for her to stay there since she isn't wanted. she is 67&can move away
from their situation&start by being with people her own age.
she did for them.
I don't think a physically healthy 67 year old would want to live in assisted living, she needs people her own age or younger to help her out of her rut, I just can't see Mick Jagger, Tina Turner or Rod Stewart in assisted living could you?
I think YOU need be Responsible for her actions& instead of saying she is
responsible for your whole life&being with you.
There was on another blog on this sight about letting your loved one volunteer at an assisted living for bingo, a job to meet and greet the other other residents, and they become people your mother knows and when you say something like they need you, she can be moved sooner. I hope you can find tat blog it sure sounded like a way to move resistant people into a new living situation and for you...your freedom back!
How come? Because all of my children are smart, independent, loving, and reasonable adults. None of them would put up with my whining two days (if I could stand to do it that long).
You realize, don't you, that Mom may live another 30 years. Is this how you want to spend the next two or three decades?
You don't need to convince your mother. You don't need for her to "get it." You simply need to set a realistic deadline for when she has to be out. Offer to help her find a place, if she wants your help. But one way or another she must be out by such-and-such a date. Don't fall for the "You don't love me" crap. Many a parent has heard that from a child, "All my friends get to do this. You don't love me!" "If you really cared you'd buy me my own car," etc. etc. Responsible parents don't allow themselves to be blackmailed this way. You shouldn't, either.
Was she always self-centered?
How you talk to her is in plain, unemotional English, repeating yourself as often as necessary. "Mom, this arrangement is not working out. Hubby and I need our privacy back. We were happy to give you a little time to get back on your feet, and now it is time for you to find a place of your own. We expect you to be out of here by the end of July."