Hello All,
Im 26, froze my life in TX and drove 1,000mi to come stay with my Grandfather for what I planned 4 weeks. His caretakers said he hasn't been eating much, and he was declining. He was getting out of the hospital with COVID, and I was eager to spend the holidays with him, as this could be our last. I was thinking on getting a day job to help my mental, but I don't think he wants me here, or is it my anxiety?
My Grandfather is bed bound for maybe 5 years now, He lives by himself and still "mentally capable to make his own decisions," yet he's such a curmudgeon who refuses care left and right, mainly when it comes to changing him. He has vertigo, so turning to his right side is a pain.. and chooses how much he'd like to assist. Been let-go by every home care agency in town due to incompetent behavior, so we're low on care givers.
I know he's lonely, has a poor quality of life but I believe he also likes his alone time. Changing him has become a 2 person job, yet he's sleeping so so often we can only change him once a day. He's on antidepressants/anxiety, (I'm not and I was 6mo ago, last time I was here and vow'd I could stay with him). And I feel like I'm in his space.
He told me I have a calming presence and should "wait until things aren't in balance"? Yet, I'm "stupid and don't know what I'm doing".. I understand this is him and aging, but at what point do I stay and make sure he's not neglected or can I return back to my home? Just visit more often? If he wants to be in bed then so be, right?
Thanks in advance, rant over for now.
He has caregivers, and things have been handled just fine for years. When I told him I was leaving, he stared off into space for a bit but ultimately long story short had a glow in his eyes like he was proud of me for finally standing up for myself. He asked me if I was a plod.. (the second term I've learned this week from him..that is the Grandpa I know :)
So yes, Im glad I came to check on things. I'm leaving tomorrow to be home by NYE. I know I'll make it back again to visit him again soon, with my siblings. But everything else is out of my control. Love from a far, and not grow resentment. I know he wants me to take care of myself, first.
Thanks again, everyone! <3
I think you should plan to return home soon. Grandpa is telling you to leave.
but yes, I hear him loud and clear now. :)
"Nothing will get an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn". BurntCaregiver-Aging Care
Don’t call yourself stupid. You’re a sensitive young woman who cares about her grandfather.
I would call hospice as soon as possible. Do not feel obligated to do this job. Your grandfather will understand that you have a life to live. I am sure that he was glad to see you but your cousin called for your help not him.
Where are his children? Are they helping at all or making any sorts of arrangements for your grandfather?
Plans should be made according to his needs, not his wants.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Good luck to you
"but at what point do I stay and make sure he's not neglected or can I return back to my home?"
Question time: who, what, where, when, where?
Q1 Who is in charge of ensuring Grandfather has adequate care? Yourself?
If so, keep reading. If not, report Grandfather's condition to that person with authority for his care & leave.
Q2 What is his prognosis? Has he had a recent medical check? Eval for Palliative Care/Hospice? Refusing changing/rolling could be PAIN related. I would want that looked at. But, also is typical dementia behaviour - not understanding why changing/rolling is required.
Q3 Where will it be best for Grandfather to be cared for going forward? His home? Or moved into care? If moved,
Q4 When? ASAP? Or only if caregivers/staff fail to show?
Q5. Where? Where would he go if if there is insufficient care at home?
Q1: My cousin is POA, she's younger than I with her hands full so she asked me for assistance with him.
Q2: Hes just old and giving up. He has vertigo so changing him makes him nauseous. We're waiting to hear back from a new company with home health care, that itself has been difficult. He has no PCP as of right now.
Q3: we're lucky he went to the hospital a few weeks ago for treatment, but Im pretty sure that He wants to die in his bed. He refuses to go to a community, as beneficial it may be to him. Or he could get kicked out.
>> Is there a point to where he would legally have to leave his home?
Q4: I don't think he'd agree to go anywhere, he's pretty set on being at home. On days where there's no staff, those are the days I wish I was here.
Although, God sent me an DoorDash guy who's wife is now use to visiting him and helping feed..
Thankful for care.com and all you angels out there.
I'm a stranger & so can view your situation (as you described it) without any emotional attachment. Hope you are OK if I am blunt..
The facts seem to be;
- Grandfather lives alone
- He is bed-bound
- He is very dependant on his support workers (or family) for all his care needs
- He cannot arrange his own care
- He refuses some care eg turning & changing
- He has insufficient 'staff' coming to look after him
So taking from that info - an elderly person, unable to self-care or arrange his own care staff is in real danger of neglect.
Thoughts?
Regarding your question "wait for normal programming" I am not sure I follow.
Do you mean awaiting Grandfather to stop declining? Or were you here for the final curtain, but it appears he still has more scenes left.. ?
You are only 26. Are you willing to give up 5 or more years of your life taking care of him?