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My dad has been in AL for 6 months. Until now, I've been using the softer method whenever he asks about going back to his home, such as "no dad, not right now, the doctor says you are not ready" or " no dad, only if you improve physically then we can discuss and see if we can consider it.”



The problem is, he is too smart, and his dementia is not too bad and so he will hold on to memories he wants to hold on too. So, the topic keeps coming up. Tonight, he said, " I've been here 6 months and I have improved physically, why can’t I go home, and can’t we tell me doctor we will set it up in a safe way?"


So, I decided on the spot that the way to go is what Alva Deer recommends, blunt honesty. I told him that he really has not improved physically, he can barely walk with a walker for 5 mins before getting tired, that he has lost function of his dominant right hand, that his memory and dementia is actually worse than it was 6 months ago, and for all of these reasons plus my own limitations, going home is not possible without getting together an army of caretakers at home that I will not agree to manage and set up, and is likely not practical as some of them will quit once they see how he is. I told him flat out " it’s just not possible that you will ever return home."


The response was not as bad as I thought. He was quite disappointed, but then I changed the subject to some things going on in the next week that he must do… and we left it at that.


I'm sure he will test the limits again. But a path has been crossed - now I'm bound to total honesty to tell him “Dad, at this stage, we have crossed a line and you won’t ever be going back to your own home or any other "house" setting."

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A man in the facility was mobile until he was bedbound, taken out to smoke early in the morning until that stop. End result, he was in the room in bed 24/7. He in essence stopped caring and recently passed.
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Impressive. I know it wasn't easy.
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Love it!
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Now that you have told him, I would not keep repeating it. Just "We will not be discussing that anymore."

Good for you.
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strugglinson Mar 30, 2024
good point. although its possible he forgets the discussion.
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Oh, dear. Hope I am not responsible for a whole philosophy here, but I DO think that dishonesty isn't fair. Putting things off gives the elder hope and keeps them pestering, stops them from adapting. They should be leveled with. It's too confusing for them, otherwise. I think gentle honesty is the right way. They WILL react. This is surely a HUGE loss and worth grieving, yelling, screaming, anger. We have a right to our emotions and our grief. But once that is out of the way we can know that this is it. As my brother said : "It's like being in the Army when I was young. I don't especially LIKE it, but I make the BEST of it" .... and he DID.

I am so glad this went relatively well, Strugglin. You are right he may circle round again, but you will just repeat the truth. Tell him you know it's tough to accept. Tell him it hurts you to tell him. But it is a fact. And life is FULL of unhappy facts hitting us up the side of the head at a moment's notice. We have to roll with the punches; they never stop coming.
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I'm glad for you both that he took it so well. Hopefully it won't be Groundhog's Day next time you visit.
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lealonnie1 Mar 30, 2024
It was Groundhog's Day every time I visited mom. No matter what I told her, it didn't work. Truth, lies, therapeutic fibs, etc etc. Dementia is such that the answer we give them isn't what they want to hear, so the question comes up again and again and AGAIN.
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I think the way you worded your response was great.
Clear. Concise.
And more important YOU included YOUR limitations not just his. That way you are showing that you do have limits and when you have to set more boundaries it might be easier. I say might because with dementia you never know how much he will retain and if he does for how long.
👋👋👋👋
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Good Job! I also use the direct approach, works best for me. Another hurdle climbed over!
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Wow. Tough Love can be tough indeed - all round.

Honesty takes bravery. When younger I never realised how brave middle aged 'kids' had to be.. or how much the elderley needed bravery & stamina to face their future.
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You are awesome. Good job. 🌟
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There isn’t a one size fits all plan when caregiving.

You have been patient with your dad by giving him time to adjust.

You recognized what isn’t working for you and tried a different approach and found success.

Very happy for you!
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Good for you!
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